Els Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 The hardest phase that we've yet to go through begins. Long story short, my guy will be doing his finals soon, and the stress is insane. The university (quite a highly-ranked one, too), frankly, doesn't care. How the heck can you threaten to make someone retake an entire year without even a possibility of resit if they fail even one component of a multiple-component exam?!? It's alright for the locals, who have subsidized fees, and can stay with their family and loved ones. Not so alright for us third-world country people who are desperately clinging on to hopes of a better life should we graduate there, who are NOT subsidized because we are foreigners, whose parents are forking out literally a million of our currency PER YEAR for the education + living cost there. Who probably would have to give up the course entirely should they need to retake the year, because they can't afford it. That would be him. Anyway. So as not to derail my thread... yeah, insane amount of stress on his part. Crazy tough time on mine. I therefore resolve not to make it any harder on him, regardless of the cost it exacts on me. I am crying now as I type this, because he's been in an extremely foul mood. But I can't let him see it. If there is anything to be said about it, it HAS to wait til after. Because I can't let myself be the one to ruin his dreams. Please help me in my resolve.
Rollercoasterr Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Make a journal. Write in it every day. Mathew is a person that worries and stresses so much and always ends up neglecting me a bit when he gets too busy. So instead of having that same old fight, I've been writing in a journal every day. It really does help so much because I feel like I've gotten it out without actually getting it out. Everything will be fine sweetie. You just have to be strong like we all know you are.
Author Els Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Yeah, actually, I did that some time ago! Thanks, forgot all about that.
Island Girl Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Oh Els. The journal idea is a great one. I'd recommend a "good" one and a "bad" one. So if you are in need of a pick me up you have a plethora of good moments to thumb through with no peppering of anything else. Just great stuff. If you don't already have one. Think of some moments and start putting them together. And the "bad" certainly is straight venting. Just let the pen hit the paper and write - no editing at all - don't even think of how you want to put something just let it flow. The two of you can get through this. He is committed to the vision of your future as are you. {{{Elswyth}}}
joana_ferreira Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 just be patient! my bf is also in school, and if he fails one class, he has to repeat the full semester, if he fails again he would be expelled. my best advice is to write in a journal or work out. i do a lot of running when im angry because 1.working out produces endorphins 2.your mind will be distracted 3.healthy way to keep in shape and feel good about yourself! just keep in mind how much work he has to do. be proud that hes continuing his studies. you will be fine, just make sure when u do talk to him be at peace. he will be sure to find recluse from all that stress, if ur not like that he wont want to tlak to you, and say to himself heres another stressful situation i dont want to deal with. be positive! read my thread boyfriend issues.. believe me this is a lil minor (yet important!) than what im going through at the moment!
Kamille Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Anyway. So as not to derail my thread... yeah, insane amount of stress on his part. Crazy tough time on mine. I therefore resolve not to make it any harder on him, regardless of the cost it exacts on me. I am crying now as I type this, because he's been in an extremely foul mood. But I can't let him see it. If there is anything to be said about it, it HAS to wait til after. Because I can't let myself be the one to ruin his dreams. Please help me in my resolve. I am so here for you! Just keep your eyes on the prize: once he is done his exam his stress will die down and he will be extremely proud of himself. Journal, work out and remember, right now, that his actions aren't at all a statement on your or your relationship. It is about him accomplishing a goal. But make time for yourself, and if you can, ask him to make just a bit of time for you (like maybe a date once a week or once every other week, whatever you both feel he can handle). On said date, be there for each other: massage him (oh how I want a massage right now!). Ask him, also, to be as clear as he can about how you can support him through this stressful time. Anyway, these are just some suggestions coming from someone who is on the other side of the stress fence (finishing Ph.D).
SophieA Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Oh Els- I know this stress so well! Freakin med school exams/blocks/finals stress. *sigh* I just want to remind you you're not alone. I think RC gave decent advice when she suggested a journal. Another thing I enjoy is putting on my Ipod and heading to the gym, even if it's just for 1/2 an hour...it really helps to have an outlet. ((((hugs))))
Bearandsue Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I like the journal idea do your venting there and be completely supportive for him right now....channel step-ford wives if you have to..lol.
Author Els Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Thanks, guys! Yeah, I've been keeping myself busy doing things I love and stuff. Still, it's really hard. It always happens during that time of the month, too! Kamille, I'd LOVE to follow your suggestions. But I haven't seen him for 4+ months, and likely not for another 9 if he fails.
Kamille Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Thanks, guys! Yeah, I've been keeping myself busy doing things I love and stuff. Still, it's really hard. It always happens during that time of the month, too! Kamille, I'd LOVE to follow your suggestions. But I haven't seen him for 4+ months, and likely not for another 9 if he fails. Sorry, it slipped my mind that you were long-distance. I think I was projecting my own situation onto yours a little.
AnnPod Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I have this email address where I send mails to when I am very down or angry and don't wanna put it on him. I mean I write those mails to him, but send them to the other address, so he doesn't see them. Not that this happens all the time, I think I sent like 4 very angry, sad, let's give up emails there during last year. Somehow this really helps.
Author Els Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Joanna, hon, sorry I didn't have the time to read your post earlier. To be very honest, you don't know my history, and how circumstances have been screwing us around - but briefly, I'd rather be in your shoes. The pressure of our circumstances is immense - if I screw up even a little now, I would probably screw up both our futures, and it's the same with him. So as not to stray offtopic, I've responded to your post in your own thread. Hope yours works out well, Kamille! I have a private 'blog' whom nobody knows about but me, Ann. I prefer it to physical journals.
cybersister Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I think the on line blog/journal is safer, also like the idea of emails sent to another address. I kept a journal and wrote out all my negative stuff, cos when your long distance any negativity in emails/ phones calls just gets magnified so I find it has to be kept under control and vented elsewhere. My problem was when he was over here he found all the negative stuff- yes, I had questioned did I want the relationship and accused him of being racist and sexist in there... Now he has never accepted I was just venting and things have never been the same between us since, though it was over 2 years ago so it has not killed us off, but I think he is much more cautious about us being together long term and we are slowly drifting apart which I put down to this. So yes, exercise, look after yourself, seek your support elsewhere ( like here ) and vent but make sure he cannot come acorss the evidence in the future. I also like the diea of 2 journals- for a while after I had read my journal and found all the negativity I decided to only write down positive stuff and vent the rest in other ways... Focus on other positives- keep a gratitude journal- I do this when times are tough. And keep us posted
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