boldjack Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Yeah, well I'm happy that I amuse you......Brat....
Author jennie-jennie Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 LOL You are calling a 50-year old woman a brat!
boldjack Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I will have you know, that age has nothing to do with Brattiness.......So there.....
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I don't. I have never been secret about our relationship. I choose the man not the secrecy. You chose both. You cannot separate them.
2sure Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Everybody is motivated differently but for affairs, secrecy is a primary element whether you enjoy it, hate it, or are indifferent to it. And for some AP's....the secrecy itself is the motivation for the infidelity. The box. Dont underestimate that. My H's infidelities were not so much motivated by sex or particular women as much as they were by his need to have a special secret box just for him. He is way out there, agreed. But still, the secrecy element affects most affairs especially for the MP...thats the deal.
ladydesigner Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I would have to say from my own personal experience of the A the secrecy part was not a turn on, it made things stressful for me probably because I was married.
Spoiled Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 The secrecy never turned me on. It was extremely stressful having to constantly figure out how to schedule meetings and phone calls. I was forever stressed and anxious. Did not sleep well, overeating, and my hair was shedding. I recall my xAP misreading a text and calling my home and my H answered(we were all friends so he spent that convo with my H). His W finding a lunch receipt, explaining why my cell bill was too much, xAP explaining why cell phone battery was always low, and so much more. Total drama, I do not miss that aspect. He would make me nervous due to holding my hand in public or sitting "too" close. I hated the dishonesty and secrecy. I shared with two close friends and a family member of our A. My times spent with him were awesome and I wanted to share that part of my life with those close to me. I was used to men being very proud to be with me and immediately introducing me to their friends and family. The secrecy made me feel insignificant to him. D-day was a relief to me in many ways.
Spoiled Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Oh, I did something as a teenager and nobody knew but me. I suffered so much guilt that I told on myself to my parents.
skylarblue Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 So, I am curious to what other posters who have been involved in affairs say? Was the secrecy and forbidden status something that turned you on or off? I’m single, he’s married and for me the secrecy of the A is a major turn-on. I like MM just because I like knowing I got him to cheat on his W (bad, I know). So it’s a big factor in attraction for me. If they had an open marriage or she knew he was cheating and didn’t care, the attraction wouldn’t be there. But we are only in a PA. Even though it’s been 5yrs, there’s no emotional attachment. I wouldn’t accept being hidden in a bf/gf R nor do I date MM when I’m looking for one. It’s illogical and warped thinking but I kinda feel like his W should be flattered because she's like the main component. If it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t even want him.
boldjack Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Sorry to disagree with the unnamed poster, but secrecy is not the be all and end all of affairs, at least for the MM/OM.(I was both) I never cared if my wife found out or not, and I certainly didn't care if the SO's found out. What are they going to do, kick my a**? Some people have tried , but I'm fairly hard to kick. Any secrecy involved was on the part of the women. If they asked me to keep it secret, I would, but I never received any kind of "rush", from it.
fooled once Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Unless you are known by all to be the married person's girlfriend/boyfriend, aren't you a secret? I mean -- aren't the OW/OM hidden from the spouse?? If the spouse doesn't know, isn't it a secret?? And if a person thinks they aren't a secret, do they call the house and ask to speak to the person they are having an affair with? Affair = secrecy IMHO
OWoman Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Unless you are known by all to be the married person's girlfriend/boyfriend, aren't you a secret? I mean -- aren't the OW/OM hidden from the spouse?? If the spouse doesn't know, isn't it a secret?? And if a person thinks they aren't a secret, do they call the house and ask to speak to the person they are having an affair with? Affair = secrecy IMHO I was never a secret. The BW didn't know, but we were an open couple, known as such to everyone else. Yes, I did phone him at home. No, she never answered - she had her own landline, and he had his.
NoIDidn't Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 ITA with Untouchable Fire. Jennie-Jennie you said this in another thread, that your bond with him was replacing her bond with him - implying that this secret bond between the two of you was replacing his known bond with her. Obviously, you might not feel like you are getting off on the secrecy, but you are benefitting from it whether you call it secrecy or not. Some posters are confusing the issue on secrecy. Just because you go out in public when he's in your town doesn't mean that there isn't secrecy. My ex, the engaged guy, and I went everywhere in full view of complete strangers. But I was a secret he kept from his fiance. This is the secrecy. Not that you feel that the relationship isn't being conducted in dark alleys, and cloak and dagger. But that the relationship isn't known to all in his life. That the relationship is being kept secret from the other person in the triangle. Mind you, I didn't realize this truth at the time.
MizzBlue72 Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Secrecy is a turn off to me. At first, it had to be completely secret, since we were both married. It never made the passion hotter or my love stronger. Now - I WANT him to be around my friends, etc. To be open, honest .... all the aspects of a real relationship. He still wants to keep this a secret until his divorce is final. Why hurt his W or devistate her if it is not needed?
Samantha0905 Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Samantha, you were a WS, in your personal case, did you feel that the secrecy and forbidden status added to the passion you felt with your AP? I don't mean I set out thinking, "Oooooh, let's do something deceitful. That turns me on. ;)" I just meant there is a kind of bonding/urgency thing that goes on when you meet up with someone in a clandestine manner. Someone(s) is going out of their way to lie to a partner(s) to meet up with another partner. It takes effort and involves stress and anticipation. When they finally are able to meet up with the partner, there is that worry they may get caught and/or that sigh of relief they've been able to meet up with the object of their immediate desires. This all adds some sorts of rush -- whether it be adrenaline, cortisol, endorphins, or a combination of all of the above. You chose both. You cannot separate them. Very true. I was never a secret. The BW didn't know, but we were an open couple, known as such to everyone else. Then you were a secret to the BW, right? There was some sort of secrecy going on.
sammyA Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 I wouldn't say either way. I am so in love with my MM that there are days I want to scream from rooftops and tell all my awesome girlfriends just how amazing he is to me and how perfect he makes me feel inside when he's around. Then at the same time I would be able to give them a real reason why I am the way I am sometimes when I don't have him there and all the pain that comes into play as I dwell on reality and the fact that I'll never be able to call him mine and he is home making love and spending a life with another woman as I go to bed alone. I would say it's more frustrating that it leaves me unable I express it to the people around me that think they know all there is to know about me. Constantly feeling like I'm hiding a huge part of what's going on in my life from good friends is hard and isolating. When I do get time with him, any added excitment is probably just coming from the fact that I haven't seen him alone in two weeks and the 'visits' are a constant impatient anticipation in my life. I think I just kind of went off right there....I hope that made sense.
Fallen Angel Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Some posters are confusing the issue on secrecy. Just because you go out in public when he's in your town doesn't mean that there isn't secrecy. My ex, the engaged guy, and I went everywhere in full view of complete strangers. But I was a secret he kept from his fiance. This is the secrecy. Not that you feel that the relationship isn't being conducted in dark alleys, and cloak and dagger. But that the relationship isn't known to all in his life. That the relationship is being kept secret from the other person in the triangle. I understand the difference. TRUST ME, I understand. That is one of the most difficult parts of my affair. I WANT to know his family.. (his kids, siblings etc. obviously not talking about his W) It is the fact that I am a "dirty little secret" from them, that breaks my heart the most.
Author jennie-jennie Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 I'm sure (well, I know) there is also anxiety related to keeping the affair a secret. This was taken from "Social Psychology" by Kenneth S. Bordens: "Why does secrecy create this great attraction? Perhaps it is because individuals involved in a secret relationship think constantly and obsessively about each other. After all, they have to expend a lot of energy in maintaining the relationship. They have to figure out how to meet, how to call each other so that others won't know, and how to act neutrally in public to disguise their true relationship. Secrecy creates strong bonds between individuals;.... (Wegner, et al 1994)" I realize there are some downfalls to a secret relationship, but I do believe it also increases the bond and passion with an affair partner. Thinking constantly and obsessively about each other is a characteristic of any couple in love.
Author jennie-jennie Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 It's just like a personal joke shared between two people. The secrecy CREATES INTIMACY! Jeeze, is it really that hard to understand your own emotions? Sometimes you people really get me wondering how you even function on a day to day basis. Could you be confusing secrecy with privacy here? Two people in a relationship share a private zone. This creates intimacy. A private zone is not the same as a secret zone. Unfortunately in affairs private zones are usually also secret. To me the privacy would be the turn-on and bond binder, the secrecy would be an obstacle in the way for both passion and commitment.
NoIDidn't Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 It is the fact that I am a "dirty little secret" from them, that breaks my heart the most. I wish you would stop referring to yourself this way. This breaks my heart the most.
NoIDidn't Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 (edited) Could you be confusing secrecy with privacy here? Two people in a relationship share a private zone. This creates intimacy. A private zone is not the same as a secret zone. Unfortunately in affairs private zones are usually also secret. To me the privacy would be the turn-on and bond binder, the secrecy would be an obstacle in the way for both passion and commitment. Its okay to call it what it is. Dressing it up only makes it seem like you are trying to avoid the reality of what it is. In affairs, private zones ARE secret - not usually secret. Edited October 29, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Samantha0905 Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Its okay to call it what it is. Dressing it up only makes it seem like you are trying to avoid the reality of what it is. In affairs, private zones ARE secret - not usually secret. Calling the secrecy in an affair privacy is like putting lipstick on a pig, IMO. I think so too. It's like dressing it up to avoid what it really is. Denial.
skywriter Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 I've been getting alot of insight from this discussion, "thanks to everyone". FA, saying how she feels like a "dirty little secret". I relate to this comment. She also said it depends on what you're in it for. Spoiled, saying, total drama, being stressed and anxious. I, like she expressed, don't & won't miss that aspect. Spoiled also said how she wanted to share her time of happiness w/him, w/her friends and family. The secrecy made her feel insignifant to him. I have struggled with accepting the reality of this being an unspoken "rule" if you will, in an A. I've also realised that I am not the kind of woman to play by these rules, indefinitly. Untouchable Fire, I understand the secrecy creating a bond and intimacy between the two. ADF said, secretive people are sneaky, conniving, and egotists. TO RUN.... Given what I have experienced in the A. There is some very uncomfortable truth to that. Untouchable Fire asked, is it really that hard to get in touch w/your emotions? Now that question can veer off into so many discussions as far as an A is concerned. It gives me alot to think about. Given the fact that this A has been comparable to a roller coaster, of emotions for myself. Some days, honestly, I have found it nearly impossible to get in touch with my emotions. I've been too emotional at times. Other days, I have denied my true feelings, particulary and this goes back to the "bond" of secrecy and don't cause any drama ( see rules on, never rock the boat). I'm sure I could go on with things I relate to from other posters. I'll leave it here and say ,thank you again, to all.
Author jennie-jennie Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 Its okay to call it what it is. Dressing it up only makes it seem like you are trying to avoid the reality of what it is. In affairs, private zones ARE secret - not usually secret. Calling the secrecy in an affair privacy is like putting lipstick on a pig, IMO. Wow, that was insulting. Shows real lack of empathy. That goes for you too, Samantha.
Recommended Posts