jennie-jennie Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 (edited) Many LS posters seem to believe that secrecy adds excitement and passion to an EMR. This is a quote from Samantha for example from her thread "Developing intimacy and passion...": "I think a lot of the passion in an affair is from doing something that feels secretive and forbidden. It makes it so much more exciting." In my opinion the secrecy of the affair is a big turn-off. Any sign of my MM wanting to hide me is repulsive in my opinion. That is the part of our relationship that I do not like. Also, I go by my own moral rules, which makes me not interested in what is forbidden or not. To put restrictions on me by society and expect me to obey them even when they go against my own morals would be to ask me to not be an adult, to not think on my own. No turnon in that. So, I am curious to what other posters who have been involved in affairs say? Was the secrecy and forbidden status something that turned you on or off? Edited October 28, 2009 by jennie-jennie
jwi71 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 In my opinion the secrecy of the affair is a big turn-off. Any sign of my MM wanting to hide me is repulsive in my opinion. That is the part of our relationship that I do not like. This just begs the question... If you do NOT like being hidden...why be in an A where your existence MUST be hidden? To me...its almost like saying I don't like milk...please give me a glass of milk to drink.
delirious Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Secrecy is a big turn off for both me and him. It is a major PASSION KILLER It makes us want to stop when we have to suddenly hide. It definitely does not add anything to how we feel. To be able to walk down the street hand in hand, to be able to gaze into each other's eyes not caring in front of others, now that would be a turn on.
delirious Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 This just begs the question... If you do NOT like being hidden...why be in an A where your existence MUST be hidden? To me...its almost like saying I don't like milk...please give me a glass of milk to drink. And this post is just utter nonesense, shows a total lack of understanding
Fallen Angel Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 For me it is a turn off.. but of course it was about love for me, not the sex. In the town in which I live an hours drive away from the town he lives in), he never tried to "hide" me. We go out anywhere we want, and don't think about who may see us. He has introduced me to some of his friends, his best friend and the friend's wife. He has told his friends at work about me, and I have spoken on the phone with several of them. They have seen me come and go from his room when we stay at a hotel when he is working out of town. It has all been out in the open, to everyone excpet his wife and children. But I guess that is what hurts the most, that I am a secret from his children. He has gotten to know and love my kids, and they know and love him. But I never had/will have that chance with his. But the secrecy doesn't effect whether the sex is "hotter" because in "my part of his world" it doesn't exist.
skywriter Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 The secrecy is a turnoff for me. It was asked then why get into an A? For myself, I did get emotionally involved. I chose to ignore my intuitive voice, the gut instinct. Now, I'm realising that my feelings abt secrecy in a relationship hasn't changed.
Author jennie-jennie Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 This just begs the question... If you do NOT like being hidden...why be in an A where your existence MUST be hidden? To me...its almost like saying I don't like milk...please give me a glass of milk to drink. I would say a better analogy would be: I like milk but I prefer to drink it in a glass, not a cup.
2sure Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 When I was OW, I was single - the secrecy of the affair made no difference to me. When OM or OW is the single partner - they are the partners who are inconvenienced by or dislike the secrecy & being hidden. The secrecy element is a turn on for those who benefit from it - the married partner.
Samantha0905 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I'm sure (well, I know) there is also anxiety related to keeping the affair a secret. This was taken from "Social Psychology" by Kenneth S. Bordens: "Why does secrecy create this great attraction? Perhaps it is because individuals involved in a secret relationship think constantly and obsessively about each other. After all, they have to expend a lot of energy in maintaining the relationship. They have to figure out how to meet, how to call each other so that others won't know, and how to act neutrally in public to disguise their true relationship. Secrecy creates strong bonds between individuals;.... (Wegner, et al 1994)" I realize there are some downfalls to a secret relationship, but I do believe it also increases the bond and passion with an affair partner.
ADF Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Finding out your SO is secretive ought to be one of the biggest red flags in the world. Secrtive people are not interesting. They sneaky, conniving, egotists. RUN FROM THEM!
Author jennie-jennie Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 (edited) When I was OW, I was single - the secrecy of the affair made no difference to me. When OM or OW is the single partner - they are the partners who are inconvenienced by or dislike the secrecy & being hidden. The secrecy element is a turn on for those who benefit from it - the married partner. I had a SO since 25 years when MM and I started our relationship. I immediately told him about MM. I told him when our EA became a PA. It was my SO's choice to still stay in a relationship with me. No secrecy here. I don't know how it would be possible for the passion that first year between MM and me to be any hotter than it was. Isn't the other side of secrecy guilt? Guilt certainly is not a turn-on for passion. Edited October 28, 2009 by jennie-jennie
Samantha0905 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 When I was OW, I was single - the secrecy of the affair made no difference to me. When OM or OW is the single partner - they are the partners who are inconvenienced by or dislike the secrecy & being hidden. The secrecy element is a turn on for those who benefit from it - the married partner. That makes sense.
Author jennie-jennie Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 I am more inclined to believe what FA says. If you are in it for sex, then secrecy and the forbiddenness might add to the passion. If you are in it for love, it will be a turn-off instead.
Author jennie-jennie Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 That makes sense. Samantha, you were a WS, in your personal case, did you feel that the secrecy and forbidden status added to the passion you felt with your AP?
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Many LS posters seem to believe that secrecy adds excitement and passion to an EMR. This is a quote from Samantha for example from her thread "Developing intimacy and passion...": "I think a lot of the passion in an affair is from doing something that feels secretive and forbidden. It makes it so much more exciting." In my opinion the secrecy of the affair is a big turn-off. Any sign of my MM wanting to hide me is repulsive in my opinion. That is the part of our relationship that I do not like. Also, I go by my own moral rules, which makes me not interested in what is forbidden or not. To put restrictions on me by society and expect me to obey them even when they go against my own morals would be to ask me to not be an adult, to not think on my own. No turnon in that. So, I am curious to what other posters who have been involved in affairs say? Was the secrecy and forbidden status something that turned you on or off? It's just like a personal joke shared between two people. The secrecy CREATES INTIMACY! Jeeze, is it really that hard to understand your own emotions? Sometimes you people really get me wondering how you even function on a day to day basis.
2sure Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Affairs , for the married partner, are a selfish luxury. And I dont say this as an indication of right or wrong...they are just something a person does just for him or her self. The affair is separate from the rest of their lives. Something special just for them. This compartment is a secret. If it were not a secret, it wouldnt have the same qualities.
Spark1111 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I can only speak to my own situation which concurs with some of the posters here. My WS found the secrecy a huge turn-on sexually initially, then the guilt began to eat at him. But I think she really loved him and wanted a future with him. I do not know how she felt. Taboo, forbidden, can be very exciting for some, probably most MP.
Author jennie-jennie Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 It's just like a personal joke shared between two people. The secrecy CREATES INTIMACY! Jeeze, is it really that hard to understand your own emotions? Sometimes you people really get me wondering how you even function on a day to day basis. Untouchable Fire, is this your own experience from being either a WS or an OM? I am sorry if it was in any way unclear. I am asking for personal experiences, not presumptions. Spark, I took your post as being your husband's personal experience. Thank you for participating.
skywriter Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 It's just like a personal joke shared between two people. Sorry but I guess that I lack a sense of humour about this. If anything I find it very disappointing, but then, I made my bed and now I have to ly in it.
boldjack Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Might not this whole secrecy issue be gender-motivated? I agree with (the poster, whom I must not name) that for the MM an affair was a "selfish luxury", but I never made any secret of any of them. If the MM's that I was f**king wanted secrecy, that was their business, and I would comply, in order for the sex to continue, but I certainly did not go out of my way to "sneak", around. Could it be that WW's are more sensitive to guilt, or could they be more interested in the drama? In these cases, maybe the secrecy would add more zest, IDK. Personally I always though that "sneaking around", was for the childish and /or feeble-minded. I, was a dishonest adult, but I was an intelligent, dishonest adult. Secrecy is beneath me.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Untouchable Fire, is this your own experience from being either a WS or an OM? I am sorry if it was in any way unclear. I am asking for personal experiences, not presumptions. Spark, I took your post as being your husband's personal experience. Thank you for participating. I was both. It's not a presumption... it's an explanation. Most of us in time learn about ourselves. Our good points and our shortcomings, how to compensate for the things we don't do well. If you never stop to consider WHY you do, say, and feel, you will never truly understand yourself. Maybe I'm wrong and the answer is different for you and your situation, but you should already have that answer! If you truely don't like the secrecy... Why do you choose it? It's just like a personal joke shared between two people. Sorry but I guess that I lack a sense of humour about this. If anything I find it very disappointing, but then, I made my bed and now I have to ly in it. I'm sorry but that's how our emotions work. When you share something secret with someone else and nobody else in the world knows it... that creates intimacy. Intimacy creates attraction. I made my bed once.
Author jennie-jennie Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Personally I always though that "sneaking around", was for the childish and /or feeble-minded. I, was a dishonest adult, but I was an intelligent, dishonest adult. Secrecy is beneath me. For once we agree, BJ.
boldjack Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I thought we always agreed, Jennie, except of course when you were being silly.
Author jennie-jennie Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 If you truely don't like the secrecy... Why do you choose it? I don't. I have never been secret about our relationship. I choose the man not the secrecy.
Author jennie-jennie Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 I thought we always agreed, Jennie, except of course when you were being silly. I love that remark!
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