Hippychik Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 My SO had an affair with a woman, who is married herself, and ended it in January of this year. I don't have time right now to go into more specifics (but I will later) but she is still prying. I have a website which has a tracker, has always had a tracker even before she came along. I can see when she comes to visit my site. I have banned her and can personalize the message she sees. Nothing I have done will make her go away. I don't want to move my website. I have had this "online identity" for over 5 years and I don't want to give it up because of her. Any advice?
jwi71 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 My SO had an affair with a woman, who is married herself, and ended it in January of this year. I don't have time right now to go into more specifics (but I will later) but she is still prying. I have a website which has a tracker, has always had a tracker even before she came along. I can see when she comes to visit my site. I have banned her and can personalize the message she sees. Nothing I have done will make her go away. I don't want to move my website. I have had this "online identity" for over 5 years and I don't want to give it up because of her. Any advice? Tell her husband.
whichwayisup Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 My thoughts exactly. Tell her H. Are you sure he isn't still in contact with her? I just ask because if she is still prying, then there's still a possibly your H is welcoming her contact, or contacting her as well. My suggestion is, make your site private, only members can see what is being written. If it's set up to be public, then unfortunately she will still look. You can't control what she does online, where she goes.
Samantha0905 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Maybe she is grieving and simply has a morbid curiosity. Unless she tries to make contact, or your husband is still in contact with her -- I wouldn't pay it much attention if she can't see your actual information on the site.
Lizzie60 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Simple.. remove the tracker.. then you won't know if she visits..
stuckinoz Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Are you sure that your husband isn't still with her? The reason I ask this is because MOST (not saying all) Most affairs are never over the first time that they are either caught or tell their spouse. My own personal experience - My exAP & I were together 6 months - apart for a year - back together for a year - apart for a year & then sparatically for a few months after that. We have been NC since December of last year. NC Period!! I'm just saying....Make sure that they aren't still talking, emailing, etc. It's VERY difficult to let go the first time. IF you come to the conclusion that they aren't talking -Tell your husband that you are going to contact this woman's husband & then do it. That will for sure confirm if they are or aren't. I'd think he'd put up a stink if they are still in communication. After that I say tell the husband that his wife is still lurking about.
1Angel Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Your site is open to the public and as much as this stinks she can keep visting your website provided she isn't harrassing or otherwise threatening you.
Author Hippychik Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 stuckinoz - I am pretty sure they are no longer in contact, since January of this year. They did do the off again, on again thing that you described. He and I have discussed it extensively and could come up to no conclusion between us as to what to do to get her to get lost. He even helped me come up with stuff to put on the "ban" page...I embedded the song Cheater Cheater (at his suggestion) so that when she went to the page, it blasted away (she lurks while she is at work). He and I have also discussed telling her husband but the fact of the matter is, this woman wants someone else to do the dirty work...we often wonder if she carried on the affair hoping my husband would confront hers, then she would have an "out." She will not leave her husband on her own...it's as if she wants someone else to tell him the dirt so that he will either leave or tell her to leave. She is also aware that I am privy to some information she doesn't want him or her mother to find out. I've kind of thought about changing my 'ban' message to let her know that my next step is to tell them both. I just don't want to do anything that will cause her to call my husband again. I am hoping it is as Samantha says and that she is mourning...as awful as it sounds, I hope she is hurting but good. She caused so much damage. My husband is not blameless but there are times when my anger with her is greater. Thanks for all your responses.
someonesangel Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 He even helped me come up with stuff to put on the "ban" page...I embedded the song Cheater Cheater (at his suggestion) so that when she went to the page, it blasted away (she lurks while she is at work). And you are proud of him? Just a question as I personally would find that a concerning trait. Again only my opinion and I am the OW. But I find it disgusting that he is treating her this way, He DID play with her, apparently repeatedly and now to team up with you and throw rocks so to speak - you on the other hand have every right and would be entitled if you felt that way. But him? Speaks volumes of his character.
Samantha0905 Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 I am hoping it is as Samantha says and that she is mourning...as awful as it sounds, I hope she is hurting but good. She caused so much damage. My husband is not blameless but there are times when my anger with her is greater. Thanks for all your responses. They caused so much damage. I understand how you feel, but remember -- he made love to her. When they were together, that's how she saw it. I think if I were in your shoes, I would be more mad at him than her. He made the commitment to you. I'm not saying that lightly either. I've been a WS. If my husband had an affair on me, I feel like I would be mad at HIM for how he violated OUR relationship. That being said, I've only been on the other side of the coin. Why do you assess more blame in her direction? Is it easier for you that way? I'm not being glib. I'm just wondering. I'm not minimizing your feelings either. They are what they are and goodness knows you should be able to have them.
Author Hippychik Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 I think he offered suggestions because there have been many times in the past whenever he has (these are my words) taken up for her...offered explanations as to how "hard" her home life supposedly is as to why she did this or that. I talked to him at length one night after she was trying her hardest to get on my website, and told him I wished I could come up with something. I think it was just his way to show that there are no good explanations anymore, for what either of them did. And to show that he is TEAMING up with me. That it is about us and not him and that woman. As for him 'playing' with her...not sure how you mean that term...? She is the one who told him she would leave her husband if he would leave me. SEVERAL times. She is still with him. She was always telling him they had to wait for this that and the other...all those times went by and she never would leave. He also found out she was communicating & arranging to meet with yet ANOTHER man. Cheating on her husband with mine while arranging to meet another one. So I think she was the one doing the playing, with people's hearts & emotions.
Samantha0905 Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 And you are proud of him? Just a question as I personally would find that a concerning trait. Again only my opinion and I am the OW. But I find it disgusting that he is treating her this way, He DID play with her, apparently repeatedly and now to team up with you and throw rocks so to speak - you on the other hand have every right and would be entitled if you felt that way. But him? Speaks volumes of his character. I agree about the act. However, he didn't play WITH her. THEY played together. There seems to be a lack of accepting responsibility on the parts of both WS at times and OM/OW. If two people participate in a sexual relationship together -- and they are both aware that both are married, or one is married/one isn't, etc. they are both participating as adults in a consensual relationship that is deceitful.
someonesangel Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 I think he offered suggestions because there have been many times in the past whenever he has (these are my words) taken up for her...offered explanations as to how "hard" her home life supposedly is as to why she did this or that. I talked to him at length one night after she was trying her hardest to get on my website, and told him I wished I could come up with something. I think it was just his way to show that there are no good explanations anymore, for what either of them did. And to show that he is TEAMING up with me. That it is about us and not him and that woman. As for him 'playing' with her...not sure how you mean that term...? She is the one who told him she would leave her husband if he would leave me. SEVERAL times. She is still with him. She was always telling him they had to wait for this that and the other...all those times went by and she never would leave. He also found out she was communicating & arranging to meet with yet ANOTHER man. Cheating on her husband with mine while arranging to meet another one. So I think she was the one doing the playing, with people's hearts & emotions. Again only my opinion. And I agree with the both are responsible for their parts ( WS and OW) I apologize for not clarifying. But your H knows that will hurt her and to suggest it again in my opinion is disturbing. If your husband wants to show you he is serious, I would think remaining NC and showing you remorse would be the way - creating additional pain for her at his hands ( his thoughts/suggestions) to me is wrong As for the actual Affair, both married, both cheating, both lying.... one is no better than the other.
NowhereToHide Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Personally it sounds like you're giving your H quite a free pass and blaming his OW quite a bit more than him. I know that you want her to leave your family alone, but there isn't much you can do about the website. I, myself, have one for my business and I can see exactly who is visiting. I get visits from all over the world. The internet is an open forum. If you change your name, she will just find you. As an OW, I have visited the website of my xAP, although not for a few months now. It's more of a curiosity, then anything more. I would let it go. She will get tired of it and move on.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 My AP's wife always blamed me. when in reality he did the chasing much more than i ever did. hes the one that initiated it and kept it going for so long. but anyway, not really getting her line of thinking. Does she really think I had sex with myself? Could/would I maintain such an intimate and long term relationship if he wasnt giving me anything in return? Get real, just because its easier to blame the OW doesnt make it logical.
bentnotbroken Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Again only my opinion. And I agree with the both are responsible for their parts ( WS and OW) I apologize for not clarifying. But your H knows that will hurt her and to suggest it again in my opinion is disturbing. If your husband wants to show you he is serious, I would think remaining NC and showing you remorse would be the way - creating additional pain for her at his hands ( his thoughts/suggestions) to me is wrong As for the actual Affair, both married, both cheating, both lying.... one is no better than the other. This is so right. Neither is better than the other. So why should he not do wrong to her, when he did wrong with her to his wife? What makes her better than his wife? If she was good enough for him to play hide the penis with all the while hurting his wife, why would she expect him to develop some morals now and treat her with respect and dignity he didn't show his wife? Isn't his core set of standards the same? Did he grow a backbone, a conscious or respect for a woman he was sleeping with.
outofthedark Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 First off, you have a public website, PUBLIC right? That means anyone can go to it. If she isnt bothering you just looking at the site, what is the harm here? I say get over it. You are obsessing about a tracker..that isnt healthy. Second, getting your husband involved to show messages that only she can see is just mean. Maybe she is curious. Maybe she uses that in her grief process over the loss of the relationship. Only she knows why she goes there but to directly insult her like that, why I ask? If you think about it, hasnt enough pain already gone around here? Let it go. Third.. this one got me. You are defending your husband, taking up his cause because she supposedly was cheating on him while he was cheating on you? Now really, do you feel sorry for him here like he needs your understanding and support that his ow was cheating on him? Focus on yourself, not on her or what she did or did not do to him. He was in that affair 50% just as her and for you to be cruel to her and give him a free pass also gives him a free pass to do it all again!!!!
tinktronik Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Hippychick, I don't see anything wrong with putting anything what-so-ever on your website. She has been blocked and has been given clear signals to stop trying to intrude into your life so she knows you are aware of her visits... Yet she ignores them and comes back for more. I don't think you need to feel sympathetic, after all she attacked your marriage, I'm not saying your H did not as well but you can pick and choose it how you want to. I also don't see that your H at this point needs to cater to the feelings of the exOW; if his priorities are straight, he should see that ALL of his compassion and defenses lie with you and his M and that any attempt by the exOW to infiltrate your family at this point is an attack on your marriage and should be dealt with as such.
bentnotbroken Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Second, getting your husband involved to show messages that only she can see is just mean. Maybe she is curious. Maybe she uses that in her grief process over the loss of the relationship. Only she knows why she goes there but to directly insult her like that, why I ask? If you think about it, hasnt enough pain already gone around! :eek:Just mean huh? What do you call screwing someone else's spouse? Having sex with another woman's H isn't a direct insult? Why should playing games with ow life be any different the ow playing games with the wife's life? They both are using WH to hurt each other, isn't all fair in love and "f"ing? Why can't the wife decide when enough pain has been dished out? Why do others get to decide this?
outofthedark Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Oh i agree completely with all that you said. My point is that there has been enough hurt that has gone around hasn't there? Isnt this just keeping the wound fresh for everyone? I totally understand that everyone heals different ways but there comes a time to stop it all and begin healing yourself and your marriage. They are still together trying to repair a broken mariage, they shouldn't be having discussions about this ow. It keeps it all fresh and alive and dramatic. IT's time to break the triangle apart and stop the madness. Seems to me this is just a way to keep it all going......
bentnotbroken Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Oh i agree completely with all that you said. My point is that there has been enough hurt that has gone around hasn't there? Isnt this just keeping the wound fresh for everyone? I totally understand that everyone heals different ways but there comes a time to stop it all and begin healing yourself and your marriage. They are still together trying to repair a broken mariage, they shouldn't be having discussions about this ow. It keeps it all fresh and alive and dramatic. IT's time to break the triangle apart and stop the madness. Seems to me this is just a way to keep it all going...... For some, dealing with the AP daily is the way they heal, until they no more feel the need to do so. If ow can visit the page to heal, then the couple should be able to do whatever they need to heal. This approach wouldn't work for me, but it seems what's good for the goose(ow thinking of visiting the home page of the wife)should be good for the gander(wife setting ow to be emotionally hurt by using her own web page.) If the ow needs to heal(which I agree all should be trying to do)then she needs to stop visiting a place that might make her pain worse. Isn't that basically what you are telling the wife to do....let it go and move on?
eeyore1981 Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 I agree with Bent on this one. The BS is the one sucking up the most pain, was not the one who made the mess, and for some reason some of you think she should just suck it up some more??? I say if you have a plan of attack towards OW, go for it. It doesn't matter if your site is public or not, OW is invading your space like she invaded your marriage, and she needs to be shut down.
outofthedark Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 If it were the ow on here asking for advice I would give her the same, let go and STOP! But since it is the wife, I am directing my responses to her. I have learned the hard way that making any sort of contact even if through a website is still contact and it keeps everything open, therefore you cannot put it behind you. ...and on that note, im not saying she should just put it (the affair) behind her but it is a step that is needed if she really wants to make her marriage work. Focus on the issues that led to the affair, not the ow that is in the past.
bentnotbroken Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 If it were the ow on here asking for advice I would give her the same, let go and STOP! But since it is the wife, I am directing my responses to her. I have learned the hard way that making any sort of contact even if through a website is still contact and it keeps everything open, therefore you cannot put it behind you. ...and on that note, im not saying she should just put it (the affair) behind her but it is a step that is needed if she really wants to make her marriage work. Focus on the issues that led to the affair, not the ow that is in the past. I agree she should focus on the marriage if she is trying to save it. But it is kind of hard to put the ow in the past when she won't go away and remain in the past, been there done that. The contact the ow makes, continues to bring the A to the for front every time she makes an entrance into the BS life. Whether that is on a web page or real life. I know all I wanted was for the ow to leave me and my kids the "f" alone, she didn't want to do that, so whatever happens as a result, she wanted to happen. I would suspect this is how the OP feels, though it is just a guess.
Hawthorne Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 By creating a special message to her you validate her existence. She probably checks to see if the message has changed. Ignore her. Put up a generic message "Access Blocked" There is no room for this woman in your marriage. Don't give her one more second of your life.
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