MGone Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Hi, I have been seeing my partner now for over a year and everything on the surface seems fine. We get on really well when together and I do love her. Basically, I feel insecure sometimes in the relationship especially when she talks about her exes. She has had a handful of long term relationships and so have I. Hers are longer term than mine. The problem is she has talked about a guy that hurt her a few years back a couple of times now. This has opened old wombs for me as I was hurt by a girl that left me for an old flame. This relationship only lasted a few months for her but it took her a while to get over. She has said that she has spken to him a couple of times since on the phone but not for a couple of years now. This relationship was from 7 years ago. I do worry that she may leave me for this guy even though they are not in touch now or so she says. Maybe I am over reacting. He would not let go at first because the relationship ended due to his ex wanting him back by saying she was pregnant. My partner has told me all about her past and I have told her about mine. She has been with about 10 men prior to me but this did have a brief affect on me at first but at the end of the day we are both 38 and we have a past. Still she has been open about this and mentioned that some were flings and some were serious. Sometimes I do tend to think about this but try and keep this in the past. The way I see it is because it bothers me sometimes is because I give a **** about her. I feel sometimes she tries to leave some insucurities in the relationship as she does not want it to become comfortable. As I have said to her I just want a easy life her and not need to worry. I think we a both a little insecure but she has been asked out alot over the years because she has told me this. I do believe this because she is an attractive girl who is very approachable. Maybe she is trying to keep me on my toes here. All in all the relationship has been good with some up and downs at times but not many. Maybe it is just me but do all relationships have insecurities or am I just over reacting.
Ms. Joolie Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Hi, MGone. Questions for consideration: How many times has she actually brought up talk about the ex? I mean, has she mentioned it less than five times or is this something that she's done on and off since the start of your relationship? Did talk of the ex come before or after your discussion about your relationship histories, and did she initiate this discussion because of her ex? Maybe she is trying to clear the air in regards to her past, but hasn't done that effectively. It could be that this stuff is coming up because she is ready to put it behind her. Or do you think that she is really attached to her past, too attached. (And distracted by it!)
Author MGone Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Hi Ms Joolie, No i do not feel she is attached to her past - I feel she is just very honest and has been very open with me. It is just the talk of this lad that she got hurt by annoyed me a little and seemed to stay on my mind. sometimes it crossing my mind that she may have feelings for this guy but she has said it was seven years ago. This guy went back to his girlfriend and has had a baby since so it probably not much to worry about. If you are with somebody and wanting to make a future then I believe you should be honest but this honesty has just brought some insecurities into the relationship.
back2gether Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Mgone, She might be bringing up her ex because she is afraid that someone will hurt her again. She is probably bringing it up because she is insecure, and you may be picking up on that feeling. I think the best thing to do, is to be kind and patient when she brings it up and calmly assure her that you are a great guy that will treat her right. The other side to that, is that she could just be trying to make you feel jealous. If someone has been in a lot of rocky relationships sometimes they don't know what to do when they find one that is stable. If she brings up her exes, just be as calm and short as possible, telling her that you are not that guy.
Ms. Joolie Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Hi Ms Joolie, No i do not feel she is attached to her past - I feel she is just very honest and has been very open with me. It is just the talk of this lad that she got hurt by annoyed me a little and seemed to stay on my mind. sometimes it crossing my mind that she may have feelings for this guy but she has said it was seven years ago. This guy went back to his girlfriend and has had a baby since so it probably not much to worry about. If you are with somebody and wanting to make a future then I believe you should be honest but this honesty has just brought some insecurities into the relationship. So I wonder why she feels the need to bring up a 7 year old relationship. Personally, I think you shouldn't let that get in the way of the relationship you have RIGHT NOW...as far as YOU being secure. The question might be, does SHE feel insecure? Maybe she doesn't want you to leave her and this is the way she's expressing herself. Your insecurity might be stemming from her insecurity. Her insecurity may be the problem. Do you think this could be the case?
Author MGone Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Not sure whether it is her insecurity. Some times she can go a little distant. I think she has been independant as i have for a long time. I think she is a confident girl but sometimes can be to open and honest. When we spoke about this I told her that sha can go and get which upset her a little as she cried. I was apologetic about this at first but it did cross my mind what she was upset about. In the main I feel we are good but when you talk about the past that can cause uncertainty. All this just plays on my mind. I do hope she is over this as I would hate to lose her but at some point the past should not be talked about. It just seems to crop up a bit too much for my liking
Ms. Joolie Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Maybe in your own way, next time she brings up the ex, let her know that it bothers you, it makes you think that she's not over it yet, or she's not entirely secure in the relationship. (Word it however you think it needs to be addressed.) Maybe just ask her why she wants to keep discussing it. Don't be upset, just listen.
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