MightyQuinn Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I think I finally know what the Righteous Brothers were singing about. Not sure if this is the right forum or if it should be in "Second Chances," but the live-in boyfriend of 8 years is on his last chance. If we can't avoid old patterns and treat each other better, it's over. However... I'm not sure if it is going to matter? I love him, but I now feel that I'm not IN love with him. Something isn't right. Even though we are both very interested in saving this relationship, I don't feel like my heart is fully invested in it. Part of avoiding old patterns is doing more stuff together and talking more, and to me, it is becoming more and more obvious that we don't like the same things and don't have much to talk about. It feels like something that was there and used to come easily, just isn't there. I'm going to stick it out a bit longer to give us a chance and so I can collect some money to move out if I need to, but... I dunno, I'm sad, I thought getting him to realize we were in serious trouble would be enough to make me feel different, like we could see this through, but it seems to have made me feel worse. I'm not sure what sort of responses I'm looking for, I just don't have many people to talk to about this situation because we have a lot of mutual friends. Has anyone else here felt this way and overcame it? How successful was it? Does this relationship sound doomed?
Citizen Erased Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I have experienced it. I completely shut down from him. We both neglected each other in different ways and it eventually killed my feelings for him. That break up hurt like hell. I've been with him since we broke up and it's been nice. But I am being realistic. You can't give them "one last chance" for things to not end up the same. Real changes need to be made. And they won't happen if you aren't in it 100%. Which it doesn't sound like you are. I was there, I was bored. I was planning my escape. I didn't have the guts to end it when I should have and it was awful, I am so ashamed of that. I was comfortable and it was impossible for me to dig myself out of that. You shouldn't stay with him for any reason other than you love him and want to be with him. If you don't, any other reason doesn't matter. It really doesn't.
Author MightyQuinn Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 I am putting forth the effort. Trying to find stuff for us to do together, stuff to talk about. If there was a spark there for years, I don't understand how it can just disappear. If it'll come back, I don't want to destroy the future we'd planned before our relationship got way, way off course. But I also don't want to stay in a relationship that doesn't have any heat for me, and it's not fair to him, he deserves to be with someone who is crazy in love with him. I hafta figure out what I want. For the first time in 8 years, its crossing my mind that it's not him. That is crazy to me.
bayouboi Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 That is crazy to me. Well, you're a woman so you're entitled to be crazy You should tell him you're not in love with him anymore so he can move on.
Citizen Erased Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 I am putting forth the effort. Trying to find stuff for us to do together, stuff to talk about. If there was a spark there for years, I don't understand how it can just disappear. If it'll come back, I don't want to destroy the future we'd planned before our relationship got way, way off course. But I also don't want to stay in a relationship that doesn't have any heat for me, and it's not fair to him, he deserves to be with someone who is crazy in love with him. I hafta figure out what I want. For the first time in 8 years, its crossing my mind that it's not him. That is crazy to me. Yes, he does. And so do you. It would be crazy. It's hard to think of your life without someone you love. You seem to both be actively trying to fix this and that's great. But you do have to be prepared for if there is no fix.
harmfulsweetz Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 I'm there at the moment, right where you are, so I feel a bit rich dishing out the advice. But here goes, what I try to say to myself (and what has been said to me) daily: Sparks come and go, they do. It is possible to reignite it, but there's always the real chance it won't happen. Why has it gone? Has it for him too? You both need to work on these things, if there's a definitive reason it has happened, then chances are, it can be amended, fixed. If it has just 'petered out' (as they say) it may not happen. Set realistic goals, i.e. you will see each other x amount of times a week, by x date. Or whatever it is for you. If things haven't improved, changed, then you need to really look at getting out. However, if you aren't in it 100%, then you may as well not be in it all. Seriously, don't stay out of guilt, or fear. If you aren't IN love with him, then there's no point. I know the feeling well, but don't be like me. Don't stay because it's easier than going. I'm still in the situation I am in because of fear, because I fear hurting him, I want to make it work just so I can avoid it. Selfish, I know. I'm hoping each day it will come back, with time, with effort, it isn't. I do love my bf, very much, he's an important part of who I am, but I'm not sure whether that part is so important anymore or necessary to me. Don't stick in a trap because that is the easiest route, trust me, it isn't.
Author MightyQuinn Posted October 31, 2009 Author Posted October 31, 2009 Thanks for the advice. harmfulsweets, how long do you think you will stick it out in your relationship as it stands? I am preparing myself for the possibility of this not being something that can be fixed. It makes me sad, because I can see in many ways he is mad about me. And I want to feel the same way, but there was a spark that just isn't there right now. If it comes to us breaking up, I want to know that I did everything that I could to re-ignite my feelings and that I didn't just bail on him. If the spark doesn't come back..... I am not prepared to stay in this relationship just because he is still in love with me. That wouldn't be fair to either of us. We had a really good date last night, went out to eat and talked, laughed. Then rented a movie, curled up on the couch. Tonight we're going to two Halloween parties. It is a start. Getting to this precarious point didn't happen overnight, so I'm not expecting it to be fixed very fast. I am trying to be patient with myself and with him. I haven't reached my breaking point yet, so that's a plus.
harmfulsweetz Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I've not a clue yet, still trying to work everything out in my head. The issue of breaking up is coming again and again in our R, it's only a matter of time I think before we have to face what has long been upon us. I would sit down and discuss things with him, try and do different things etc, but keep a realistic head. Sometimes things fizzle out, and sometimes it won't come back. Not either of your fault. These things happen, some people are only meant to be together for so long before it ends. To quote from the Time Traveller's Wife (because I am completely sad like that) "is it better to be entirely happy for a short time, than just be ok for the rest of your life?" Something like that. It struck me as something I agree with. I would rather have been in the R with my bf, and to lose him knowing we shared wonderful times, he taught me a lot, I hope I taught him a lot, we gained so many memories that no matter the bad, will always be there. It's hard right now, and I don't doubt it will be for you. Keep your head up, if you think it can be saved, give it your all, and go for it. Keep communication open, and honest, you may have unresolved issues from the past. I do, which is why we came to a head on Saturday night. But that's another story entirely. Have you tried a break? Like saying 'I need a month to find me, for space etc'. It may help you to think clearer about things if you do this.
stace79 Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I am also in a similar situation, although right now we are broken up. Our R has been a pretty intense roller coaster -- we've each broken up with the other for numerous reasons. Every time we think we get something fixed, something new happens to us. (Some of our problems have been caused by situations and not necessarily actions or lack of feelings.) The trouble I have is that many people over my life time have told me I'm too idealistic. I have always believed that the person you're meant to be with is the person whose flaws don't drive you nuts -- you can tolerate their flaws or even find them endearing. So how do I know that I'm not just holding people to ridiculous standards? Anyway I have felt for awhile that I had fallen out of love with my fiance -- I care about him tremendously, but just didn't have those gooey, "in love", dying-to-marry-him feelings. I am not sure how much of it was just me, and how much of it was a ridiculously trying circumstance. But what troubles me is how much he loved me, and I wonder if I am throwing something great away? I guess my point in this ramble is that there is no right or wrong blanket answer for every person. You just have to feel it out and make your own decisions. And remember that at one point, every choice you make is exactly what you wanted.
harmfulsweetz Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Exactly. Feel it out, always do the right choice for you, make sure it's what you want.
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