rp123 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 We were together for 8yrs. ( although a number of problems and breaks) She's met someone else, although did sleep with me, after meeting him and just prior to me going NC. after 33 days NC I get a text message asking me how I am, and can she speak to me. Then a couple of hours later her friend tries to call me ( I don't recognise the number and ignore) her friend texts me, asking if I can call her.... I have not responded at all. I cant help but think that maybe she wants to gauge how I feel and maybe there's a chance of reconciliation. I'm so curious to know why she wants to talk. She has never used a friend to contact me in the past. Protecting her pride? I certainly don't want to go back to square one. I have met someone new that is really lovely, but can't progress with it because of my total love and obsession with my ex. Help!!!!!
TaraMaiden Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Oh stop it. Part of this obsession is hurt pride and the sheer disbelief that anyone could possibly do this after 8 years... try asking someone in a 25-year-old relationship how it feels.... If you've met someone new that is really lovely, then you have two choices: Dump her, because as things stand, she's a rebound, and you'll never give her the fairness and consideration of your full and undivided attention - as she deserves - OR: Devote all your time to her, and tell everyone to go take a hike, you've moved on and you're happy. (option b sounds good....) Text this friend: "Don't know why you want to talk. if it's about me and ex, don't bother. Am getting on with my life. met sum1. Very happy thnx. Bye." simple. Then follow words with actions.
Odyssey Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Why does she want to talk?!? She's only dropping breadcrumbs...only breadcrumbs. It's worth nothing. Seriously man, take heed to what Tara said... ...'cause sometimes doing the right thing, doesn't always make us happy.
symbol Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Maybe a quote from CaliGuy would help: If they really want to get back with you, they would be banging at your door. Anything less than that is just a breadcrumb.
Thebob Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Just type "supercalifragilisticexpalidocious even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious"! in a text and that'll shut em up. Marry Poppins tends to do wonders. NC it and move on with your life. Thebob
TaraMaiden Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 actually, it's "supercalifragilisticexpIalidocious"... The spelling is critical for it to work. 'Retail is Detail', and I think it might make a crucial difference to the result.....
Thebob Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 damn that is true, thanks TaraMaiden.... I gave it my best shot without looking at it. But Mary Poppins rules all! Thebob
TaraMaiden Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 "Chim-Chimney, Chim-Chimney, Chim-Chim-Cheroo" works for me.... Sorry, OP.... Whatever you decide to do, I'd make sure that this 'friend' trying to contact you, doesn't even get a foot in the door. as caliguy says, if they wanted you enough, they'd be sleeping on your doorstep in minus-zero.....
BCCA Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Personally, Id ignore the ex and her friend, and focus on being happy with the new girl. Let the past be the past. If she cant even call or text herself, its probably just a game, or she just wants to know what youre up to. Im telling you, stone wall them both. Dont respond with anything.
DustySaltus Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I forgot who said this quote but I think it really hits the nail on the head here: "The best response is complete and utter silence" Tara: If they bang down your door when it's "positive" zero, is that enough to give them a second chance?
Author rp123 Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Does silence say they most. I really love her ( of course......!) and want the best strategy to restore my dignity and potentially win her back. Her text revealed nothing about her feelings, other than she wanted to talk. Her friends call and then text, is unusual, I never known her to do that before. she is extremely proud and stubborn, is she trying to see if there is a way back? Or just looking for an ego boost or guilt relief. I don't want my silence to be interpreted as: I'm really totally not interested anymore. Equally, I don't want to break my NC if its just breadcrumbs or a game.... How about a neutral text like: 'Hi, how are you. Nice to hear from you, why did you want to talk?' And thanks guys, for all your responses and support!
Author rp123 Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Personally, Id ignore the ex and her friend, and focus on being happy with the new girl. Let the past be the past. If she cant even call or text herself, its probably just a game, or she just wants to know what youre up to. Im telling you, stone wall them both. Dont respond with anything. She did text first, then 2 hours later her friend calls and then texts... Its now been over 2 weeks since these texts. Is the stone wall the best...?
TaraMaiden Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I forgot who said this quote but I think it really hits the nail on the head here: "The best response is complete and utter silence" Having had a dose of a poison-pen diatribe from a family member, I would certainly agree with this..... Tara: If they bang down your door when it's "positive" zero, is that enough to give them a second chance? Only if they're nekkid. If they're done up to the nines like an Eskimo, that's just playing at it......
TaraMaiden Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Does silence say they most. I really love her ( of course......!) and want the best strategy to restore my dignity and potentially win her back. Then you're being a crap-head. I don't want my silence to be interpreted as: I'm really totally not interested anymore. BUT YOU'RE WITH SOMEONE ELSE - !! Listen to yourself! In that case, the first - very first - thing you need to do is to be fair to this new person you've met and drop her, right now, because I'm telling you, if I was going out with a guy who (unbeknownst to me) still hankered for his ex - and wanted her back - he would be out of my life quicker than hot runny sh*t off a silver shovel. Equally, I don't want to break my NC if its just breadcrumbs or a game.... Which - unless she is beating down your door - is exactly what it is.... Are you learning nothing from the NC guide? How about a neutral text like: 'Hi, how are you. Nice to hear from you, why did you want to talk?' How about you get your head out your @$$ and decide what you truly want to do about your current sweet, before doing something stupid like acting like a doormat?? And thanks guys, for all your responses and support! It's a pleasure, don't mention it. I'm also known as Florence Nightingale with a touch of Ghengis Khan.....
BCCA Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Does silence say they most. I really love her ( of course......!) and want the best strategy to restore my dignity and potentially win her back. What you really want is to play this so she comes back, that's all. I agree, its totally unfair to the girl youre dating, who has no idea she is just a fill in until your ex comes back. Thats really crappy on your part. Her text revealed nothing about her feelings, other than she wanted to talk. Which is precisely what she wanted. She doesnt have anything to say about her feelings, and probably just wants to know she can still get you back even if youre dating someone. Shes done nothing to show she is serious about making something work with you. she is extremely proud and stubborn, is she trying to see if there is a way back? Or just looking for an ego boost or guilt relief. Everyone says their ex is too proud/stubborn, but listen - if she wanted you back, and I mean REALLY actually wanted you back, it wouldnt matter. She would do what it took to get to you. Shes just playing a game. I don't want my silence to be interpreted as: I'm really totally not interested anymore. Well, it wont be, but either way - you are with someone now. You shouldnt be interested. Dump this poor girl, explain you still have lame ex-drama, and she should run away from you to save herself the pain. How about a neutral text like: 'Hi, how are you. Nice to hear from you, why did you want to talk?' How about you decide if you want to date this new girl. If not, be single and wait for your ex forever if you want to waste your life. If you do want to be with this new girl, you have to ignore your ex and any of her attempts to toy with you.
paperchase Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Do not write back. Those are breadcrumbs if I've ever tasted them. As soon as you reach out and ask what she wanted to talk about, she'll say something like "nothing really" and you will feel very stupid for responding. Trust me. Even if you want to reconcile, your first move can't be based on having breadcrumbs tossed to you. Look, I had mine beat down my door, give me a weekend of crazy intense sex, tell me she wanted to marry me and have my babies, then a few days later begin to waffle. What you are getting amounts to a hill of beans and the fact that it's been quiet for a bit reinforces the fact that it was merely a curiosity, ego driving, fishing expedition on her part.
Author rp123 Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Then you're being a crap-head. BUT YOU'RE WITH SOMEONE ELSE - !! Listen to yourself! In that case, the first - very first - thing you need to do is to be fair to this new person you've met and drop her, right now, because I'm telling you, if I was going out with a guy who (unbeknownst to me) still hankered for his ex - and wanted her back - he would be out of my life quicker than hot runny sh*t off a silver shovel. Which - unless she is beating down your door - is exactly what it is.... Are you learning nothing from the NC guide? How about you get your head out your @$$ and decide what you truly want to do about your current sweet, before doing something stupid like acting like a doormat?? It's a pleasure, don't mention it. I'm also known as Florence Nightingale with a touch of Ghengis Khan..... Just for clarity. I have met someone new. I have explained everything to her, including my feelings for my ex. However, I don't discount the attraction between us, and neither does she. I have been 100% honest with her, and although she has been tactile, I have not slept with her. She is somewhat older than me, and recently broke from a relationship herself. It is fun with her, and there is a definite attraction. But believe me, I would never treat someone in a dishonest way....
TaraMaiden Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 (edited) Ok, so why would you go back towards definitely crappy, and turn away from potentially good? Hmmm? (And by the way..... your thread title does read "STOP me, need Caliguy!" Well, hello....? Anything to oblige! I've given you the next best thing! Edited October 28, 2009 by TaraMaiden
Author rp123 Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Ok, so why would you go back towards definitely crappy, and turn away from potentially good? Hmmm? Simple Ghengis: = Love. What else...? I love her so much. I am doing all the things suggested: Working out (never been so fit!) New hobbies, keeping busy, friends, Working on myself etc.... But I can't deny the love. The hope just won't die yet. I know the new lady I have seen a few a times Is keen to get physical with me. I keep stalling for time (even though I am attracted) hoping that my ex will contact me again, and show something of herself.... Like I said, i have been totally honest with the new lady, but she is understanding and supportive. Maybe she just wants a physical connection with me... Once again, thanks guys....
TaraMaiden Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 No. You're lying. Maybe not intentionally, possibly because you're kidding yourself, and possibly because you want to keep some options open... If this lady wants to get physical, then believe me, she is very much under the illusion that (a) you are definitely trying to get over your ex- and that (b) she is on to a winner with you, because she's willing to commit to a physical stage and make love to you. You are playing her along. Maybe not intentionally, but you are turning away from the obvious. Your relationship with your ex- is OVER. Even if it were to start up again, it would never be the same. And if she broke up with you, then believe me, she will never re-commit to you, because the emotion, effort and desire to succeed is nowhere near your level, and never will be. She is not interested. She may be curious, but interested? In you? In starting over? Nah. And all the while, you are stringing your current lady along, and stalling? And you call that "totally honest"....? Really? Er....I don't think so. Unfair, deceitful and prevaricating yes. But please, don't kid yourself you're being 'totally honest'.
Phateless Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 DON'T DO IT! It's over, move on. Tomorrow you will regret calling her because you will have to start from square 1, emotionally. Don't do it.
Author rp123 Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 No. You're lying. Maybe not intentionally, possibly because you're kidding yourself, and possibly because you want to keep some options open... If this lady wants to get physical, then believe me, she is very much under the illusion that (a) you are definitely trying to get over your ex- and that (b) she is on to a winner with you, because she's willing to commit to a physical stage and make love to you. You are playing her along. Maybe not intentionally, but you are turning away from the obvious. Your relationship with your ex- is OVER. Even if it were to start up again, it would never be the same. And if she broke up with you, then believe me, she will never re-commit to you, because the emotion, effort and desire to succeed is nowhere near your level, and never will be. She is not interested. She may be curious, but interested? In you? In starting over? Nah. And all the while, you are stringing your current lady along, and stalling? And you call that "totally honest"....? Really? Er....I don't think so. Unfair, deceitful and prevaricating yes. But please, don't kid yourself you're being 'totally honest'. I am trying to get over my ex.. Aren't we all. Part of trying to get over my ex is trying to embark on new relationships. In fact I've probably tried too hard to get over my ex! I've done all of the things that are suggested, and not broken NC once. My relationship with my ex is in all probability: OVER. I don't deny it... I have been honest with the new lady on the horizon, but yes, maybe I'll just bring it to a conclusion. My relationship with my ex may be OVER, but I'm just not OVER-IT. I do not want to hurt anyone, in any capacity. I acknowledge that any reconciliation with my ex, would mean that the relationship would never be the same. I wouldn't want the relationship to be the same. Things have changed. I disagree with you that girls never re-commit. I've seen couples get back together numerous times, and in equal proportion to male/female being the instigators..... Thanks for the advice though.... I do appreciate your views.
Author rp123 Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 No. You're lying. Maybe not intentionally, possibly because you're kidding yourself, and possibly because you want to keep some options open... If this lady wants to get physical, then believe me, she is very much under the illusion that (a) you are definitely trying to get over your ex- and that (b) she is on to a winner with you, because she's willing to commit to a physical stage and make love to you. You are playing her along. Maybe not intentionally, but you are turning away from the obvious. Your relationship with your ex- is OVER. Even if it were to start up again, it would never be the same. And if she broke up with you, then believe me, she will never re-commit to you, because the emotion, effort and desire to succeed is nowhere near your level, and never will be. She is not interested. She may be curious, but interested? In you? In starting over? Nah. And all the while, you are stringing your current lady along, and stalling? And you call that "totally honest"....? Really? Er....I don't think so. Unfair, deceitful and prevaricating yes. But please, don't kid yourself you're being 'totally honest'. Gosh, you sound really angry....
Thebob Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 I got a great story for you! There once was a boy named " MOVE ON " He "MOVED ON" The end. Thebob
Recommended Posts