justwantlove Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Poker is a huge part of my xMM's life, that how he makes all his money. He was teaching me while we were together so i had a shrine of poker around my comp.While i was really in my depression i would sit and play poker for hours and watch him play. Last week i took it down, i was totally freaking out!! I passed back and forth and was almost hyperventilating, that's how big a part of my life it had become. So anyways i took it down, blocked myself from being able to play for a month. I deleted the sites from my comp so now i cant even sit and watch him play. There's a letter i posted as the letter i cant send(if anyone's interested.) Last week i broke my week of NC to send it to him, but i haven't responded to his reply. I used to keep my messenger always on waiting for him so we could talk. Even after I went no contact i would keep it on just to see if he was logging in waiting for me. I deleted him from my buddy list and tryed to delet my account but i cant. I used to check my email like 50 times a day, no lie. Now i have it set so that if i do get an email from him it send's me a text message. Its so much less stressfull! I was considering turning off my internet because of what i was doing to myself.Going no contact was the hardest thing ive ever had to do but im glad that im sticking to it. Every week since i became the OW ive gotten a little better. I feel like sunshine compared to the day i found out he was going back. I'm starting to think that ill be able to move on. Does anyone else who's going through NC torture themselves in little way's, or even people not in the NC faze?
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 i torture myself constantly. with my A theres so much left unsaid. so i start to write letters over and over and then delete them. its torture.
someonesangel Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 i torture myself constantly. with my A theres so much left unsaid. so i start to write letters over and over and then delete them. its torture. I am a writer.... one, any it is fantastic therapy and two it is truly healthy to get it out, no matter how many letters that means. For me, I sent almost all in the anger phase and they were heavy hitting, then came the reconnect ( due in large part to my anger)....since we are talking and sitting on Thursday but I realized tonight I am in fear of what I say next. I am a mix of angry, hurt, feeling used, feeling loved, feeling foolish and now I don't know how to say things. It is all jumbled and my fear is that is a sign of me shutting down. I keep thinking, if this is your last chance to ever speak or see him again, what do you truly want to say? I don't know that answer....at times I want to leave him hurt and others I want to leave him loved Keep writing, because for the life of me, it is blocked right now... I am stumbling over basic thoughts.... and I think the true fear is the idea of letting him go, forever.
Author justwantlove Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 I am a writer.... one, any it is fantastic therapy and two it is truly healthy to get it out, no matter how many letters that means. For me, I sent almost all in the anger phase and they were heavy hitting, then came the reconnect ( due in large part to my anger)....since we are talking and sitting on Thursday but I realized tonight I am in fear of what I say next. I am a mix of angry, hurt, feeling used, feeling loved, feeling foolish and now I don't know how to say things. It is all jumbled and my fear is that is a sign of me shutting down. I keep thinking, if this is your last chance to ever speak or see him again, what do you truly want to say? I don't know that answer....at times I want to leave him hurt and others I want to leave him loved Keep writing, because for the life of me, it is blocked right now... I am stumbling over basic thoughts.... and I think the true fear is the idea of letting him go, forever. Writing unsent letters is what is really helping me out. I dint know it would be so therapeutic for me, but im glad to be doing it now, it moving me milestones. Personally i would try to come up with things that he has to know. If you never talk to him again make sure you try and get it all off your chest. Of course thing's will come up later as you replay the meeting in your head but know that you have said what you could. I would leave him feeling loved and feeling hurt both and at the same time.
ladydesigner Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I would leave him feeling loved and feeling hurt both and at the same time. This is exactly how I left it in my email for NC. It wasn't harsh and it definitely would have made him feel loved and hurt for the pain I had suffered (at my own discretion of course). Or maybe he could care less who knows.
Recommended Posts