joana_ferreira Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Hi Everyone, I'm in desperate need of help as I am in love and in a very LONG LDR. He's been away for two years now. He's away at school studying to be a vet in the carribbean, while I'm here studying to be a nurse.. The reason why I need help is because I have been with him for so long, and now he'll be going to FSU for his clinicals. The problem that I'm having is that he's moving in with a girl that he is close with, who was also accepted to the same school. I do not get a long with this girl because I have found out that he stayed over her apt one night, and thinks it was ok. yes he was drunk, but i told him his excuses weren't enough because there are other ways of getting home. I also confronted her with it, and she said herself that she didn't care if her BF (yes she has a BF of 6yrs) had a girl over. And she called me a psycho. My bf did apologize, fine we got over that hurdle. When I found out they both were accepted (the process is that the schools pick you, you not picking the schools) they both decided they wanted to live together. For about three weeks we fought about this, I've been against it and still am. Until one day he received a call from the apt dealers that they need an answer that day.. he called me up and asked if he wanted me to live alone or to live with her. NOt to see him unhappy, I said yes. Part of me is ok with the fact that he's with someone that we both know, not him living alone and bringing someone else. I'm trying very hard to keep my emotions together, but the more I think about it the more I am scared. I don't even talk to my friends about it cause the few people that I have mentioned this to said they were against it. They said that I was a fool for loving him so much and accepting this HUGE sacrifice. I need support, and yes it's stupid to ask for help or sympathy, but sometimes it's just so damn hard to keep things to myself. I love him dearly and I know he's the one.. He has reassured me many times and has PROMISED that nothing will happen. But what am I going to do? I'm so confused and sometimes I feel like things are going to end bad. PLEASE HELP someone, I'm desperate.
Rollercoasterr Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Honestly, if it were me, HELL WOULD FREEZE OVER before I would let this happen. I'm a jealous person by nature and you can bet that Mathew would know not to even attempt to ask me. Or entertain the thought of him living with another girl. It's not that I don't love and trust him, because I do 100000%, but it's just not right. And I know without a doubt that Mathew would never cheat on me, but you can't account for the things that SHE will do, regardless of if he responds or not. I know this doesn't help, but I'd throw a huge fit if I were you.
Author joana_ferreira Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 That's what I did. For three weeks I gave him hell. And at each time that I did, he was patient with me and explaining to me everytime that nothihng would happen.. I did speak to his mother about (we're very close) and she said that nothing would ever go on. She mentioned that he wouldn't be with me this long if he didn't care. I honestly have never been this upset....
AnnPod Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I really understand you. I mean if you were having this conflict, why does he have to move in with her? Is it so extremely tough to get an apartment where he is? And imagine yourself being stressed out all the time over this. You have been together for some time, and you are serious, so I think it's ok to ask him to get himself a new place.
Els Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 (edited) In an isolated scenario, the living in the same apartment part should be alright - I thought it was a common part of university life? I have had a male housemate when I had a bf, and my bf currently lives with two girls. You might want to count yourself lucky he's a vet and not a med student - cause mine practices physical examinations with his housemates who are girls. It really doesn't bother me, though. However, what exactly happened when he was drunk there? And also, him knowing that it bothered you, did he even consider other options for housing? Edit: Wait, this is the same apartment, right, not the same room? Edited October 28, 2009 by Elswyth
Author joana_ferreira Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 he said that nothing happened between the two of them. and she said the same thing. he said that he looked into other apts to live alone and that they were more expensive cause he would have to buy all the new furniture and with living someone else, it would be cheaper so they would split cost. they have their own rooms and bathrooms. shes staying in the master bedroom because of the closet space (of course we have more things to wear and accessorize). they share the living room and kitchen.. i mean we talked today about this, and he is very upset that im constantly bringing it up.. its just so damn hard and i try so hard, but i just dont want to get hurt!!
Els Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Honey, what are you afraid of happening? If he did want to cheat on you physically, he could always bring a girl home to his room. Staying in the same apartment doesn't facilitate much. With that said, though, you do have a right to have him resolve your fears about this.
Author joana_ferreira Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 what i'm mostly afraid of is that he loses interested in me or stops loving me or wants to end it with me. i feel like its all been a very delicate balance, and i care for him so much that i dont want it to end. i want to be able to look back on all this and say wow look what we have accomplished, but sometimes i feel scared because i dont want to be so vulnerable.... i love him very much and only want to give him the best.. but i dont want to it to compromise me too much either.. im a mess.
Els Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I will say this: That if he loses interest in you just because you're not here and there's a girl in his house, he doesn't deserve you to begin with. How have you survived 2 years with this sort of fear? However, I think you should bring it up very calmly with him, not in a 'I don't want you to live with her!' way, but more of a 'I'm afraid of this and that happening, what have you to say about that?'
Author joana_ferreira Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 I think I survived everything for so long is because I've been busy with school and work. My friends and family also occupy my time, and things go by faster. I hope he doesn't lose interest. Especially because in his past relationships, they have all cheated on him. I get along great with his whole family, and my sister thinks he's a great match for me. I know I get emotional sometimes, but being a girl in this situation is very tough! I did calmly talked to him about this, and he first will say nothing will happen, i promise that it won't ----> which then leads him yelling at me saying you have to trust me more. That's like being reprimanded for saying how I feel. That's what I end up doing, I end up holding it in till I burst. I just want to look for some support from his end, even if its him saying everyday its gonna be ok. I have never really had good things happen to me. My dad had cancer, my aunt had cancer, and my mother is going through a rough patch in her life with her health. My sister just had a major surgery on her back, so I am the one that always deals with situations. I'm the wall to lean up against, but when I want someone to just listen to my pain, I look to him because when he is home, it's a relief.. It feels good when he holds me and says that he's proud of me that I'm stronger than most. But it gets tiring when I don't have him listen to my grief about the situation with the apartment.
ADF Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 (edited) End the relationship. He's gonna dump you for this other woman. In his own mind, he may have already. Edited November 1, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Els Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 End the relationship. He's gonna dump you for this other woman. In his own mind, he may have already. One thing is for sure: they're sleeping together. You might want to read this person's opinions on LDRs in general before considering his extremely confident, yet baseless post. Also, if it bothers you so much, isn't there any male whom he could share with? Or he doesn't know any?
Author joana_ferreira Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 please i need help.. like im seriously upset here, im crying about what is being read.
Bearandsue Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 The fact that there was some bad history with you and this girl is reason enough for him not to live with her.....She called you a psycho! I cannot even imagine what emotions I'd be feeling is Bear wanted to go live with some girl that I didnt get along with. I think it is really unfair of him to put you in this position. Only you can decide what to do about this situation we can only tell our opinions of it. Whatever you decide do what makes you happy. All the best.
Author joana_ferreira Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 that's the thing i can't decide.. that's the problem i have at hand :(
Author joana_ferreira Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 ok everyone, i think i'm going to ride it out, see what happens. the most i have to lose is already in his hands: my heart. i love him dearly and want the best for him, and i have to start believing in myself that it will work out.. wish me all the best of luck for you are all in my prayers, thank you for the advice!!
SuburbanOblivion Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Even in small college towns, there is always someone looking for a place to live. He could EASILY have a male roomate if he wanted. It sounds like he specifically wants to live with her, and whether he has slept with her or not, that's trouble in my eyes. I'm going with Rollercoasterr on this one- hell would freeze over before I'd allow this, and if that meant ending a 2 year relationship, so be it.
Els Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 I must admit that I'm quite puzzled by the responses to this, considering most of the people on this board are from USA. I really did think that co-ed college dorms and apartments were more the norm there than otherwise? Joana, I honestly don't think you've made peace with this. Until it's resolved one way or the other, it WILL eat at you and your relationship. Has he signed the contract yet?
Author joana_ferreira Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 yes they signed the lease when his parents went to visit him. his mother has been so supportive of me and him. she did take my side on it and really wants us to work. he called me up this afternoon and asked how i was doing, i responded that i felt crummy and he really was upset with that. he doesnt want me hurting and he said that he took out his stress on me too (he had a MAJOR exam to study for) and that he had no right to hurt me. He apologized for not listening to me and not to support me when he should have.. he said that he missed me and that he never wants things to end especially because hes made reservations and plans for me to fly down there every so often (this is true because he sent me all the flight info) and that even if its a year that we'll be travelling a lot, he wants it to work. i said to him that i had to think about all that has been going on because no i am retaliating. i met up with some friends of ours and they asked how my bf and i were doing. they said that my bf isnt the type to give up on a girl especially like someone like me which was comforting to hear. i think im seriously going to ride it out, but ride it out in the sense where i start to become a bit unavailable. put more effort in myself then so much on him. i think that's been my flaw is that i made myself too accessible to him. wish me luck!
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