HarmonyHope Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 ... Because you just keep pushing people's buttons ... You couldn't resist one last jab could you? Thank you for removing yourself. The offer still stands but you have to play fair too. Moaning Myrtle/SidLyon(?) Relax ok?
Fallen Angel Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Moaning Myrtle/SidLyon(?) Relax ok? SidLyon?
tami-chan Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 LOL.....really? or just "sounds" like Sidlyon..it figures..
NoIDidn't Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 See, now I just wasted a perfectly good PM. Can we stop with the piling on? Can we get back to the subject at hand?
MizzBlue72 Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 OK - I agree with NOT having hubby meet this guy IF he knows who he is. This is NOT the place for a confrontation. I can understand how hard this is, and how you would feel guilty. Stay strong - smile even if you feel like crying. You can do this!!
Fallen Angel Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 BEG, Okay girl, I am worrying about you. How did it go? Are you okay? ((HUGS))
Devil Inside Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Hey BEG. You sound pretty stressed about the event. I know it will be hard, but you can get through this. Stay focused on your husband and on your children. Whenever you feel your emotions welling or feel like you may do or say something you might regret think of the fact that you are at this function for your children. Emotions from an affair do not die so quickly. I really see commitment from you post affair...but every time you see xMM you are going to be putting yourself in a vulnerable position. The truth of the matter is...it is hard to see the person so soon afterward...regardless of your commitment to your marriage.
Morelikeher Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 I am the one who used the term "bully".. and I guess I used poor judgement in my verbage.. perhaps a better word would have been "intimidate". As in make her feel that somehow she doesn't have a right to be there. As in by their presence make her feel ashamed or ostricized. She is no more to blame than the fMM, she and her H have as much right to be there as he does. (And I said them, fMM and BW, because they are now working as a team, so any attempt at making her feel uncomfortable I would assume would come from both.) Yes, exactly. She has every right to be there, just as much as they do. I have purposely stayed away (as much as possible in a small town) from any events that they might be at. This is just not always possible. Why should I stop living my life and go into hiding? Why should BEG? It is obvious that she still has feeling for the fMM. I think that is normal. It's still fresh, give her a break. Anyway. I hope everything went okay. ((HUGS))
Lucky_One Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 i have dreams of him at least smiling and being cordial. to become friends out of this mess but i know it probably wont happen. You need to stop with the hope of having a friendship with your XMM. Your husband will never accept your being friends with him, and neither will his wife. If you try to maintain some sort of friendship, then you will have to hide it, and that is a huge no-no when you are trying to rebuild a marriage. There IS no friendship post-Dday and post-EMA - only a hidden EA that leads right back to a bedroom.
jwi71 Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 You need to stop with the hope of having a friendship with your XMM. Your husband will never accept your being friends with him, and neither will his wife. If you try to maintain some sort of friendship, then you will have to hide it, and that is a huge no-no when you are trying to rebuild a marriage. There IS no friendship post-Dday and post-EMA - only a hidden EA that leads right back to a bedroom. 100% agree. You MUST choose...the MM or your H. You can't have both. And I mean, you cannot have the MM in ANY capacity EVER. I mean EVER. There is NO way your H, IMO, would tolerate/stomach/allow that friendship. Your H...or the MM...choose. One must go. You have already PROVEN you and MM CANNOT respect boundaries. No way ANYONE believes you will do so going forward. The "we are just friends now" speech will say one thing to your H "We are having an A again"...even if you are not. Avoid the MM like the plague.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 Ive never claimed not to have feelings for him anymore. I have tons of feelings, confusion, anger, sadness, fondness. I just dont know what to think or feel. But what I do know is that the tears over him are for much different reasons than before. I'm not wanting him back, Im not missing the A, its just a ton to deal with. busy busy day. i'll write more later about yesterday.
whichwayisup Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 i have dreams of him at least smiling and being cordial. to become friends out of this mess but i know it probably wont happen. The thing is, is a friendship in the future, any kind of friendship with exMM, fair to your husband? What would be the point of having exMM in your life? All I can see is, it'll cause your H more pain, mistrust of you and also keep your feelings fed for exMM. NO good can come of a friendship. Have to think of exMM as a cancer, a diasease that will ruin your life.
Devil Inside Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 I think the "you can't be his friend" horse has been beaten to death here. Let's move on and help BEG cope with her emotions. Emotions that anyone in her situation would have. It was only one setence in her OP...let's move on to more salient points.
confusedinkansas Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 From what I've heard & from my own experience....You can TRY to be friends & have all good intentions to be friends - It just doesn't work. When there's a sexual history, it just can't. You'll find yourself right back in the same situation you were in before. Whether you want it or not. Cutting ties all together is the best way to handle ex affair partners. Too bad you still have to see him - I know how painful that can be.
NoIDidn't Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Ive never claimed not to have feelings for him anymore. I have tons of feelings, confusion, anger, sadness, fondness. I just dont know what to think or feel. But what I do know is that the tears over him are for much different reasons than before. I'm not wanting him back, Im not missing the A, its just a ton to deal with. busy busy day. i'll write more later about yesterday. I can only imagine your feelings. You once said in another thread that it hurt not having any personal "secrets" with him anymore. That the NC letter made that clear to you. I think this is what you are missing. I think you are truly bewildered as to how he seems to have flipped that switched and jumped immediately into "protect my marriage" status, while you flounder with remembering the A - he seems all to ready to re-write it to get back into his M.
NeverLate Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 I really have to laugh at this one. he "helped you hurt your husband"? I was told the same set of lies by my xOW and never once did I think I was the victim. The only victims here are her husband and my wife. I have been to the depths of hell and back because of my failings. I still pine away for my xOW but I own it. Its my fault and noone else's. Not even her's. For you to get past this you have to own your transgressions your mistakes and stop blaming someone else. Its kind of like the mortgage crisis. I have to laugh at people who blame the lenders for getting them into their mess and then ask for help to get them out of it. Did that lender hold a gun to their head and say sign here? No. So noone forced you to give in to his "lies" I have a feeling he just told you what you wanted to hear in the first place anyway. It is sad that when we make mistakes we generally have to suffer the consequences. Its good that you feel bad and guilty cause that means you care. if you didnt I would be worried. As for the fact you are worred about seeing him? join the club. Think about it you cared about this person you were/are attracted to him you are human you are going to feel strongly about seeing him. Thats natural and expected. But you have to embrace those feelings, own them and get passed them. I after two years am still in that process. Dont avoid them cause they wont go away. Just my two cents NL
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 I think this is what you are missing. I think you are truly bewildered as to how he seems to have flipped that switched and jumped immediately into "protect my marriage" status' date=' while you flounder with remembering the A - he seems all to ready to re-write it to get back into his M.[/quote'] exactly. im the type of person that it all has to make sense, and this doesnt make sense. so i go back and question it all. who he is, who i thought he was. i really am just still shocked. but yes, we were both there last night. made a point for no eye contact when before there would have been a hello. she wasnt there. i was more worried about keeping H away from him more than anything else. it was just awkward.
whichwayisup Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 im the type of person that it all has to make sense, and this doesnt make sense. so i go back and question it all. who he is, who i thought he was. i really am just still shocked. I get that..But instead of wondering about HIM, how he could switch it off etc and focus on HIS marriage, why not think of your husband instead. I'm betting your H has the same thoughts about you, how you could turn into someone else before his eyes and have the affair. He's shocked too, amongst other feelings as well.. I'm not saying that in a mean way, just a different approach in your focus and thought pattern. Everytime you think of MM this or that, reverse it and think of your H and yourself. I know you want closure, of some sorts, to feel that you meant something to MM, that it wasn't just a game, but the thing is, you'll NEVER get the closure because no matter what MM says, you'll question it and it won't be enough. Glad that there wasn't any talking or looks between you and MM. Even better your H didn't go punch him in the nose!
NowhereToHide Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 exactly. im the type of person that it all has to make sense, and this doesnt make sense. so i go back and question it all. who he is, who i thought he was. i really am just still shocked. but yes, we were both there last night. made a point for no eye contact when before there would have been a hello. she wasnt there. i was more worried about keeping H away from him more than anything else. it was just awkward. Oh, BEG... how I feel you. To this day I STILL can't believe that my xAP turned out to be so completely different than he pretended to be. The good thing about is that I no longer feel as though he was such a great match for me.... the bad thing is that there are still days (like today) where I feel so sad at how it all ended -- so many questions, so much hurt, so much disappointment (although I realize it was an affair, they end like this for the most part). I'm glad that you were able to go to your event and be strong. I'm sure it WILL get easier for you to see him... but it's going to take a lot of time. Don't be too hard on yourself for still having feelings... for still grieving. It's a process. (I'm grateful that my xAP lives 500 miles away)....
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 now the next step is seeing him at work. we have a meeting in about a week and a half.
anne1707 Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Just treat him as purely a work colleague. You only talk work. There is no personal chat whatsoever. If he starts to try some conversation, walk away. If he tries to catch your eye or smile at you, walk away, look away - anything. If you have to be alone with him, it's just for work reasons only. Anything more and you are both still playing with the A. Just don't respond to him. And you must also not try to talk personal - not even asking how the kids are. It is all forbidden territory now. Whilst it might be still raw, what you have to do is actually very simple and is the only thing you can do if you want to save your marriage. But to be honest, his actions would make me think that he would try nothing. This does all seem to be in your head now - will he do this, will he do that, what if he does this..... You need to stop this now otherwise you will lose sight of what really matters because you are still in that affair "fog" or whatever you might like to call it.
NoIDidn't Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 This does all seem to be in your head now - will he do this, will he do that, what if he does this..... You need to stop this now otherwise you will lose sight of what really matters because you are still in that affair "fog" or whatever you might like to call it. I agree with this MBEG. There was a lot of truth in NeverLate's post about your blaming him. But you can't blame him anymore when you are allowing the contact to make you obsess over what he is thinking. When you are obsessing over him, you aren't truly committed to anything else. Real decision time. The decision to forcibly stop "what if-ing" yourself to death needs to be made soon, or you are going to drive yourself insane. Stop looking forward to each time there is a possibility of contact with what is starting to come off as feigned dread. I know I am assuming here, but you do have better options than to fret long before the event even happens. You are out of the affair now. Time to stop the affair pattern. I know that will take time, but it starts with a decision not just out of the blue. You can't get worked up emotionally everytime you might come in contact with him. Your H is watching all of this. Trust me, he might tell you he is all into working on your marriage - but he still has his doubts and is watching your reactions like a hawk. Its just the nature of being a BS, we guard our hearts afterwards. Good luck.
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