Mr. Benn Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Hi. About 3 years ago, my girlfriend left me (the first and last one in my life), after a 2 and a half year relationship. We had had a romeo and juliet type thing, we were young (around 16-17) and we were each other's worlds. We both became very close with a friend of ours, Thom, to the point where we felt like siblings or something. Well one night, I went to a party and took a load of speed and valium ( i was a wild one then), and got completely trashed and started rampantly kissing this girl that seemed not to argue with it too much...I even put my hand up her top and... uuhh..copped a feel. So I tell my friend Thom, about how guilty I felt at betraying my girlfriend so badly, and he replies to me "that's not nearly as bad as what I've done to her." So, feeling slightly perplexed by this, I went back to my girlfriend's house and told her everything I'd done, as soon as I saw her. To which she replied "We are quits then, because I slept with Thom". I personally didn't really feel that we were "even"..hmm..but I was hardly comparing... Well anyway, we tried to keep this relationship going, she was all for trying at first, but she quickly went off the idea, because I was unable to look at her the same way anymore, and after months of heart and soul destroying pain and torment, in which time she went on holiday with said "friend", she called me and told me it was over, that she needed to be "on her own" for a while. I knew that meant anything but...I found out a while after that they were together. So, basically, its over three years now...And the whole thing has pretty much destroyed me. I've hurt so much, and have not been able to trust or respect any friend of mine, and I when I get near to a woman I like, my head just goes crazy and I can't control thoughts. I have slept around a bit with some women, none of which I was really all that attracted to, and each time its just fecked my head up just a little bit more. I've become cynical, first of love, then people, then everything else. I spend all my time on my own, watching movies I've watcthed to death, getting completely stoned and munching out, sometimes I just get completely pissed. But nothing I do is a joy anymore. Everything is a chore, every effort I make is forced. I fear my very will to live is exhausted. I would never take my life, because of who else's lives I would destroy. But I don't have a reason to live anymore... don't really know what you guys can say to that...but maybe it might be good to just write it down and know at least that people might take the time to feel me...I don't know for what reason I do anything anymore... I know I will never love like that again, not because its not in me anymore, but simply because I'm so confused and messed up about everything...does hope endure when one has been passed the point of hopelessness, throught hate, and anger, jealousy - to the complete numbness that exists inside me now...?
Thebob Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 You sound like your young right? guessin 19-25? man you got your whole life ahead of you man, you need to get some help so you can get back on your two feet. No one likes hearin of a dead guy, and you'll cause more drama than you could ever imagine. You need to move on, delete her out of your life, and get back in shape and move on. YOu need to go out and meet other people, put yourself in awkward situations and finally you will meet that other girl that you so need. If your honestly suicidal you need to go get help, go talk to some friends, get yourself goin. Join a club do something to get your mind off her. No one is worth a death of another man. Hope this helps Thebob
Ronni_W Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 maybe it might be good to just write it down and know at least that people might take the time to feel me... I took the time...and I do feel you. You are worth other people's time, and kindness, and compassion. More importantly, you deserve - you are worth - your own love and compassion. There's obviously a lot going on for you; inside of you. A hundred people could post that you are lovable, valuable and important...but it wouldn't mean much, if anything, unless/until you start to believe that about yourself. You're choosing. You know that, yes? You know that you are choosing your own beliefs, thoughts, interpretations, perceptions, feelings and self-image? The deal is that, *IF* you want to give your life meaning and purpose (as defined by you), then you need to make some drastic changes to the thoughts to which you are giving your mental-emotional power and energy. The most efficient way would be with a psychotherapist. There is a lot; too much. You're in pain, you're hurting, you're suffering. I get that; I feel that. Your psyche has survived a massive train-wreck, and now it needs you to get it some professional help in order to properly heal, recover and 'rehab'. After this, you are making a conscious choice to live an empty, confused, hopeless, numb existence. If you're okay with that, then keep doing what you've been doing. But if you're no longer satisfied with your outcomes, if you want to eventually feel happy and fulfilled, then make a new decision and choose something else for your Self. That part isn't rocket science. Hugs. I can tell it's difficult. I urge you to make some new, self-affirming decisions and take some self-supportive action. For what it's worth, I totally believe that you are worth your own love and effort, and that you do deserve all the happiness and contentment that you desire for yourself! Best of luck.
tryagaintoday Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Mr Benn, everyone has scars in their hearts. Show me someone without, and I'll show you an empty person. Anyway, do be strong and I'm sure you'll love again.
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