SecretlySad Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 In our 5.5 years together, my boyfriend has done and said a few horrible things to me. He: *got drunk one night and physically assaulted me - he seems to think it is forgiveable because he was drunk, was tearfully remorseful and it was only the once *points his finger in my face and yells at me like I am a child on the rare occasion we have a fight - him being 17 years my senior makes this all the more humiliating *never wants to talk about anything. If we have a fight e.g. in public he threatens to go home if I don't cheer up, making me put on a big fake façade for the rest of the day *thinks the only reason I could ever be upset/angry is if my period is coming (so pigheaded!!!!) *is indirectly controlling - e.g. if he doesn't want me to wear a short skirt out he will say something like "oh well, guess I can't have a drink tonight, I need to stay sober to fight off all the guys that will be trying to come on to you" *I have always been scared and intimidated by him - I am not sure if it is his size, his booming loud voice or the way he just shuts down *there is also stuff from his past I find absolutely awful like he once spat in an ex girlfriend's face when she said something offensive to him. I know you shouldn't judge someone on their past but it's in my head I know this all sounds really bad, but 99% of the time he is a wonderful, sweet, kind man, who still tells me how much he loves me every day, goes out of his way for others, always puts me first and gets on with everyone. Yet I can't seem to see past the bad things... I am currently in the process of trying to muster up the courage to break up with him, as some of you may have seen in my older posts. He truly is a good man, but I am unhappy. Seriously... am I overreacting here or do I have good reason to not be able to forget these things?
betamanlet Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Honest question, how long have your relationships lasted where the guy treats you well? I'm gonna take a wild guess, but something tells me it's going to be less than 5 years. So you have to ask yourself, why are you in LTR with men that don't treat you well? Have prior boyfriends treated you like this?
Author SecretlySad Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 Honest question, how long have your relationships lasted where the guy treats you well? I'm gonna take a wild guess, but something tells me it's going to be less than 5 years. So you have to ask yourself, why are you in LTR with men that don't treat you well? Have prior boyfriends treated you like this? So I am not losing my mind... I don't want to get too personal but I think it might all stem from my dad. Another very good man, but full of verbal abuse after a few (hundred) drinks. Would tell me all I cared about was my looks and that I was never going to amount to anything. My mum, intimidated by him as I am with my boyfriend, just sat back and let it happen. I have tried to shake it my whole life but... I haven't been able to.
ADF Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 OP, the bad things you name are not trivial. They are indicative of an angry, vicious, , jealous, controlling, occasionally violent man. Don't give me this "99% of the time he's wonderful" business. What makes him wonderful? That he's NOT spitting in people's faces or shoving you around? Get a grip, already. There's nothing wrong with your being upset about this stuff. The man has SERIOUS issues.
betamanlet Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 So I am not losing my mind... I don't want to get too personal but I think it might all stem from my dad. Another very good man, but full of verbal abuse after a few (hundred) drinks. Would tell me all I cared about was my looks and that I was never going to amount to anything. My mum, intimidated by him as I am with my boyfriend, just sat back and let it happen. I have tried to shake it my whole life but... I haven't been able to. Okay, so it's what you've seen in men growing up, and it contributed to your self esteem issues, and it makes you unconsciously seek out men like this. If you aren't seeing a shrink, see one to help work on self esteem, or get self help books about self esteem. I see this often in women, but I'm not a psychologist, so I cannot give actual advice other than to get advice from a professional.
JustLooking123 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Um, he is physically and emotionally abusing you. He sounds like scum. Hell no, you're not overreacting. Ditch him now. The bigger issue here is why you have put up with this for so long. I think you need to find a good therapist and get to work.
BookerT Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 In our 5.5 years together, my boyfriend has done and said a few horrible things to me. He: *got drunk one night and physically assaulted me - he seems to think it is forgiveable because he was drunk, was tearfully remorseful and it was only the once *points his finger in my face and yells at me like I am a child on the rare occasion we have a fight - him being 17 years my senior makes this all the more humiliating *never wants to talk about anything. If we have a fight e.g. in public he threatens to go home if I don't cheer up, making me put on a big fake façade for the rest of the day *thinks the only reason I could ever be upset/angry is if my period is coming (so pigheaded!!!!) *is indirectly controlling - e.g. if he doesn't want me to wear a short skirt out he will say something like "oh well, guess I can't have a drink tonight, I need to stay sober to fight off all the guys that will be trying to come on to you" *I have always been scared and intimidated by him - I am not sure if it is his size, his booming loud voice or the way he just shuts down *there is also stuff from his past I find absolutely awful like he once spat in an ex girlfriend's face when she said something offensive to him. I know you shouldn't judge someone on their past but it's in my head I know this all sounds really bad, but 99% of the time he is a wonderful, sweet, kind man, who still tells me how much he loves me every day, goes out of his way for others, always puts me first and gets on with everyone. Yet I can't seem to see past the bad things... I am currently in the process of trying to muster up the courage to break up with him, as some of you may have seen in my older posts. He truly is a good man, but I am unhappy. Seriously... am I overreacting here or do I have good reason to not be able to forget these things? Wow, you have a classic emotionally and physically abusive man. He is not truly a good man. One of the things that makes it extremely hard for women to leave abusive men is that they are not abusive ALL the time. Think about it, who would stay with someone that hit them EVERY day? Instead abusive men flip flop between abuse and control, and back to saying sorry. They will never change, and the abuse usually gets worse over time. Leave the guy or it will get real bad, imagine having kids with him and him hitting the kids.
EricaH329 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 "Why can I only see the bad things?" Answer: Because you two are still together. Break up with him, and you'll notice that you remember all the good things about the relationship. Never fails!
Thebob Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Nuff said, why the hell were you with him for that long? You know what you have to do. YOu deserve better, the end. Thebob
Author SecretlySad Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 So... all the good things he does mean nothing? Most of those things I mentioned have only happened once in 5.5 years, and it's not like I haven't made my own mistakes in the relationship. I am not disagreeing or defending him, I am just trying to figure this all out in my head. Has he manipulated me that much that I have come to truly believe that everything is my fault?
BookerT Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 So... all the good things he does mean nothing? Most of those things I mentioned have only happened once in 5.5 years, and it's not like I haven't made my own mistakes in the relationship. I am not disagreeing or defending him, I am just trying to figure this all out in my head. Has he manipulated me that much that I have come to truly believe that everything is my fault? I think you should do some research on the tell tell signs of abusive men, do it for yourself rather than hear it from others. www.womansavers.com That's a good site. Very few abusive men are abusive all the time, they tend to blow up. But just think of Rihanna and Chris Brown, when they blow up they can lose control REALLY badly and be a danger to a woman's life. Also, you feel manipulated and put down, that's a classic sign of an abusive man, because the guy is trying to stay on top and in control.
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