Girlfriend of 2 years 8 months- grinding, clubbing, insecurity-

[Ofrhej93]

I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years and 8 months. We are both deeply in love with each other. She's attending her first year at college 4 hours away in another state. I'm at college here at home (I'm a Junior).

 

But you're gonna need more background info... She's extremely attractive, extremely social, the kind of person EVERYONE has good things to say about, and extremely mature. She is working to be an actress/model/dancer/singer and is very successful. She had straight A's through out high school. She got a full scholarship to her college, which is a mini-Ivy League school.

 

I'm much less social, very introverted, and somewhat shy. I have faced issues with depression, lack of self esteem, and insecurity throughout my life. I've seen a counselor and am currently taking medication to help me focus in class and to alleviate my depression. I had my first kiss when I was 17, and later, with a different girl, had my first girl friend. I'm what you may call a hopeless romantic. My current girlfriend is my second girl friend.

 

She loves me completely and I love her completely. That's simply where we are right now. We are not talking about kids/family/anything like that because it simply is too early and we are too young. I'll admit it's something I like to think about, but it's too early to ever talk about.

 

We both trust each other completely and know we are committed to each other 100%. I know she would never do anything to hurt me intentionally.

 

But something has been on my mind. It comes up occasionally. She likes to grind at clubs. This disturbs me to no end. Through all our trust and love and happiness, it's as if I can not get over this.

 

Honestly, I've only seen it happen once. And I almost went psycho. I've never been so angry in my life. Now, mind you, there was no evidence of my anger. Like I said, I'm a very "internal" person. On the outside, I just appeared a little hurt or confused. But on the inside, wow. It was at prom and she asked me if she could dance with one of her friends. The minute I saw him put his hands on her, on her leg, her back, I couldn't take it.

 

So, I told her it made me mad. She said sorry at first. But I wanted to explain why I was mad, and she wanted to defend herself. She would say things like, "He's just one of my friends, you know I'm yours."

 

For some reason, this doesn't settle me at all. I KNOW you're mine, I KNOW he's just a friend. How does that enter into the equation at all? I don't like other guys touching my girlfriend in a sexual way.

 

So she's at college now. She goes to parties, clubs, stuff like that occasionally. And it's really starting to eat at me now. She doesn't drink or do any drugs. At first, it was as if our differences brought us together. But she TRULY sees nothing wrong with it, and it's almost impossible for me to see anything right with it. It's like looking at the sky, one of us thinking it's blue and the other thinking it's purple.

 

She tells me when guys hit on her, or say they wanna be with her, and she tells them they have no chance. But still, she remains friends with them.

 

One guy at this last party was, I guess, hitting on her. He got her phone and saw my picture and said, "WHAT THE ****, you have a boyfriend???" then said something like, "And you're out here talking to all these guys and dancing, damn, I wouldn't want my girlfriend doing that..."

 

And when I heard that... It just kinda... clicked... Like, I don't like it at all that she does that. She thinks that if a guy doesn't like girls doing that, they're "jealous," "insecure," and such. But when she told me her friend said that to her... I just felt... maybe I'm not so damn crazy?

 

I must clarify- I am NOT afraid she will leave me/cheat on me/stupid crap like that, and honestly, if she does, oh well, then it wasn't meant to be.

 

What bothers me is the sexual dancing. It's killing me on the inside.

 

Before anyone asks: do I grind? Well, when she went off to college, I went to a few clubs to help salvage my self-esteem. I admit, I mean, it felt good. It still felt wrong. And let's face it, a pretty girl who likes to grind is gonna get a lot more action then an average shy guy on the dance floor. Makes me feel kinda crappy. So, I suppose the answer is, I would love to NEVER grind again, if my partner would never do it. I hate to sound pathetic, but I suppose you could say I'm doing it to make myself feel better.

 

Do I look at porn? Yeah, I do. There is no actual human interaction with pictures on a computer screen. There's a few minutes of stimulation, and done. Nothing was shared with another person. It's just a tool I use to masturbate.

 

Have I ever talked to her about this? Well, I told her how I felt about prom. Ever since then, I mean, I just... put on this mask that says I'm totally cool with it.

 

I don't want to bring it up. We rarely get to talk, and when we do, I want those moments to be happy. I don't want her to get defensive or think that I'm accusing her of something. I don't want her to think I'm insecure (which I think I am a little) or "possessive." But every time I think about it, UGH, God it tears me down... I spent all of yesterday in bed... Feeling terrible...

 

What the hell do I do...?

[BG1985]

You need to talk to her about this. This will most likely lead to a breakup; probably for the best. Thinking about her doing this is making you absolutely miserable.

[betamanlet]

Sorry dude, but long distance relationships very rarely work, and college age woman with lots of options?

[Ofrhej93]

I don't know. I mean it's not really my issue. If she finds "someone else," I'll be hurt, obviously. But I mean, I really don't even give that a thought. She could potentially find "someone else" anywhere, any time. And if it happens then it happens, it wasn't meant to be. But I believe there's no chance of that happening.

 

I'm more concerned with the actual dancing itself. I wish I was okay with it. I really do. It's such a stupid thing to get upset about. But it's as if I was built that way.

[DCchillin]

Hey, look, you've gotta be open to this kind of thing. It's like if you have some kind of hobby that she can't stand, and she tries to tell you not to do it any more, even if it's something you love.

Now that being said definitely talk to her about, let her know it makes you feel uncomfortable, and try to come to some middle ground about it. Because it is slightly more than just a hobby because as you said, it's stimulating human interaction.

Just make sure you TALK TO HER ABOUT IT

[betamanlet]

I don't know. I mean it's not really my issue. If she finds "someone else," I'll be hurt, obviously. But I mean, I really don't even give that a thought. She could potentially find "someone else" anywhere, any time. And if it happens then it happens, it wasn't meant to be. But I believe there's no chance of that happening.

 

I'm more concerned with the actual dancing itself. I wish I was okay with it. I really do. It's such a stupid thing to get upset about. But it's as if I was built that way.

 

 

I've found that women who like to dance, like to go home with guys they meet there, on occasion. Not all the time, not even most of the time, but women who dance do it for attention. Men who go to clubs go there to get laid. NO straight male really actually likes to dance..

 

I'd be much more worried about getting cheated on than her dancing.

[Ofrhej93]

I wish I could get a woman with a similar personality to my girlfriend to answer my question, maybe it would help me understand.

[betamanlet]

I wish I could get a woman with a similar personality to my girlfriend to answer my question, maybe it would help me understand.

 

 

I hope I'm wrong, but I think your situation is bad. Maybe she's telling the truth, maybe she's not, but when this has happened to me, it was always the worst case scenario x 10. I find that women who like to go to clubs, love attention from men. Women that love attention from men have low self esteem and are highly likely to cheat, and it's not like they advertise this. YOu'll only find out when she says "this isn't working out " and is with some new guy..

[Skump]

What the hell do I do...?

 

You want my hard opinion as to the real situation here?

 

She just doesn't care that much about you, thinks she's better than you, and believes she can get better than you at any time if she wants to.

 

Whether she would admit this, or even understands it on a conscious level, is irrelevant: it's manifest in her behavior. She's not really afraid of losing you, obviously.

 

Unfortunately, the very way you've handled this situation has reinforced her negative perception of you. You tried to be "reasonable" according to the nonsense that passes for "wisdom" about human relations today.

 

What you ought to have done is immediately told her that if she has any plans to be with you in the future, grinding with anyone other than you is verbotten - and if she doesn't like that, she can move on. That's what a man 100% confident in his value would've done.

 

By trying to be "reasonable," what you've done is confirmed your inferior negotiating position in the relationship. You've compromised over what is, essentially, an aspect of her physical fidelity to you, which is an incredibly weak thing to do.

 

Unfortunately, I'm really not sure if the damage can be undone at this point.

[betamanlet]

You want my hard opinion as to the real situation here?

 

She just doesn't care that much about you, thinks she's better than you, and believes she can get better than you at any time if she wants to.

 

Whether she would admit this, or even understands it on a conscious level, is irrelevant: it's manifest in her behavior. She's not really afraid of losing you, obviously.

 

Unfortunately, the very way you've handled this situation has reinforced her negative perception of you. You tried to be "reasonable" according to the nonsense that passes for "wisdom" about human relations today.

 

What you ought to have done is immediately told her that if she has any plans to be with you in the future, grinding with anyone other than you is verbotten - and if she doesn't like that, she can move on. That's what a man 100% confident in his value would've done.

 

By trying to be "reasonable," what you've done is confirmed your inferior negotiating position in the relationship. You've compromised over what is, essentially, an aspect of her physical fidelity to you, which is an incredibly weak thing to do.

 

Unfortunately, I'm really not sure if the damage can be undone at this point.

 

In relationships, actions speak a lot louder than words. Her going clubbing speaks more loudly than "I love you forever and would never cheat" because they are just words.

[aerogurl87]

She's mature you say and yet she's at clubs grinding on other guys?!?!? Read my signature and see if that helps you make a decision.

[aerogurl87]

By the way I used to be like your girlfriend (I went out clubbing and dancing/grinding on guys all the time) till it led to me cheating on my ex boyfriend one day and then I stopped. Well it was too late by then and even though our relationship lasted another 5 months it was never the same afterward. With that said, I gave up clubbing for my boyfriend because I knew of the risky situations it put me in and I didn't want to hurt him anymore. Temptation at clubs can be a hard thing to ignore, especially if you've got a few drinks in you.

[betamanlet]

By the way I used to be like your girlfriend (I went out clubbing and dancing/grinding on guys all the time) till it led to me cheating on my ex boyfriend one day and then I stopped. Well it was too late by then and even though our relationship lasted another 5 months it was never the same afterward. With that said, I gave up clubbing for my boyfriend because I knew of the risky situations it put me in and I didn't want to hurt him anymore. Temptation at clubs can be a hard thing to ignore, especially if you've got a few drinks in you.

 

I'd honestly say that going to clubs is a red flag. I would rather be involved with someone who goes to knitting or star trek conventions than to clubs, because it's like clubs are designed for cheating.. So when I ever see "likes dancing" on an online profile, it's a turnoff to me due to my experiences.

[deux ex machina]

Like, I don't like it at all that she does that. She thinks that if a guy doesn't like girls doing that, they're "jealous," "insecure," and such. But when she told me her friend said that to her... I just felt... maybe I'm not so damn crazy?

 

She’ll continue to do it, and if you let her know how uncomfortable it makes you feel, she will turn the tables on you and you will be called jealous and insecure.

 

The reason she says those things is that it gets her the results she is after with little fuss and bother – for her.

 

 

Also, due to this…

 

I don't want to bring it up. We rarely get to talk, and when we do, I want those moments to be happy. I don't want her to get defensive or think that I'm accusing her of something. I don't want her to think I'm insecure (which I think I am a little) or "possessive."

 

You back off and accept it.

 

Result: she’ll continue doing it.

 

 

But that is okay, since…

 

So, I suppose the answer is, I would love to NEVER grind again, if my partner would never do it. I hate to sound pathetic, but I suppose you could say I'm doing it to make myself feel better.

 

 

These things happen when you don’t feel you can communicate without getting shut down: imbalances within the relationship, and compromising (losing) yourself.

 

I hope you find a way to deal with your dilemma.

[LoneWolfie]

I can relate to the situation the OP is in.

 

I to have a social clubbing girlfriend that everyone likes. And like the OP's girl, mine to has lots of guys hitting on her and she likes the attention, it makes her feel good and sexy, but she also makes it clear they stand no chance.

 

Again like the OP, im very shy, insecure, not outgoing at all, and easily jealous.

 

The first night me and my girlfriend went clubbing together i saw a friend of hers grinding with some random dudes on the dance floor. I knew this friend of hers had a boyfriend so i was quite disgusted.

This prompted me to tell my girlfriend im perfectly fine with her dancing with other guys, but grinding with them feels like she is simulating sex with them and it would make me feel very uncomfortable as i find it inappropriate to do while someone is in a relationship.

 

She said she could understand my feelings because she would feel terrible if i grinded with other guys or had my hands all over them and she will only dance with guys while keeping a little distance between herself and the guy she is dancing with, aside from a little shoulder/arm rubbing now and then, there will be no grinding.

 

To the OP.

If your girlfriend respects your feelings she would be ok with keeping it to DANCING insted of grinding/dry humping.

If she is too afraid to look prude or prissy infront of the people whose attention she is seeking because she wont grind with them: then im afraid she isnt mature AT ALL.

 

Try to ask her to only grind with you and promise you will only grind with her. And both of you only dance with others in a decent fashion.

Nothing boosts your self-esteem more then having your popular and sexy girlfriend rub her chest or bum against you while a dozen "hot cool guys" stand on the side line wishing they were you. It helped me feel better about myself and helped me relax and have fun.

 

I wish you well, but if she dont care about your feelings on the subject and wants to continue dancing sexually with other guys then she might be what i consider too slutty, no offense.

[betamanlet]

Women who seek attention (ie club chicks) are inherently unfaithful because they only get validation from attention, and the ultimate form of attention is sex.

[BookerT]

And if it happens then it happens, it wasn't meant to be. But I believe there's no chance of that happening.

 

There's a chance for anything in life, especially when it comes to something as fickle as relationships.

 

You're so young. EVERY relationship you will ever be in, unless it lasts forever will end some day.

 

The ones before you find "the one" are good for learning and reshaping who you are.

 

Just a suggestion, don't be a hopeless romantic, it's generally not healthy in either men or women.

[northstar1]

The grinding is probably just a small part of what is causing your jealousy inside, but obviously it is something that is bothering you and something you need to talk to her about in terms of respecting YOU.

 

That being said:

 

Most highschool relationships do not last through college, particularly if one of them goes away to college.

 

People change, meet new people, want to try new things, and the ties that bound you in highschool don't tend to last once big changes happen in life.

 

What I am trying to say is that the stresses of this relationship will likely continue to mount and so may your jealousy.

 

You need to determine if you want to try and stick it out or not, because im my experience, having lived in a dorm in college, it doesn't usually get better for those high school couples.