Kamille Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 My thesis is due at the end of this week. I'm in over my head with revisions, feeling like it isn't good enough, etc. In other words, yes, I am stressed. I've spent 5 years on this thing. It is major and it is overwhelming at times. I'm trying to handle the stress as best as I can: I go to the gym, I eat right and I've managed to find time off where I can relax. And yet, my current bf - we've only been together for a few months - has chosen this moment to become completely distant. It's hard to explain, but today was the last straw. We met for lunch. He wasn't his usual romantic self, hardly kissed me, talked about his work cutting into his football time and then, when I decided to leave because I had to get back to work he suddenly looked at me, almost bewildered and was like "I'll see you... soon I guess". Like he had completely forgotten I was there or something. I can't explain it. This has happened to me in the past, everytime I have something major going on in my life. My partners at the time either become distant like he did or accuse me of neglecting them. Right now, what I would like is for him to be extra-attentive (and yes, I did tell him that a few weeks ago) and support me. Instead he's completely dis-invested himself. It makes me feel like the relationship is all about me providing them support when they need it, but never about providing me with support when I do. I'm going to wait until next week - when I will be done the thesis, but right now I am so annoyed that I am thinking of giving this one the booth. It would be easier anyway, since I have to, well, you know, move to Europe soon and what not.
Star Gazer Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 I didn't know you had a BF... Anyway, please promise yourself that you'll put your thesis first. Mentally step away from him for the week until it's complete, and then reopen your thoughts to analyze this issue.
Author Kamille Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 I didn't know you had a BF... Yes. It hasn't been long - I'm guessing about three-four months. It's been a slow-starting relationship because we're both very busy. But at the same time, up until now, when we were together it always felt like we had a great connection. Right now I feel like we are an old couple going through the motions.
betamanlet Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Consider yourself lucky. I went through high school, college, and law school without a single date, ever.. So I didn't have that particular "outlet" that you've apparently had, so if i could do well, I'm sure you can do given you've had some form of stress relief.
Author Kamille Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Consider yourself lucky. I went through high school, college, and law school without a single date, ever.. So I didn't have that particular "outlet" that you've apparently had, so if i could do well, I'm sure you can do given you've had some form of stress relief. I'm sorry you went dateless for so long, but I'm not sure what you mean by being lucky to have an "outlet"? I would much rather not if he's into me the exact same week I'm trying to finish my thesis. If you mean that I might be taking my stress out on my bf, than, well, maybe. But it isn't like I'm snapping at him for no reason. In fact, I've never snapped at him. It's not even like I'm cranky. Up until today I wasn't cranky at all. The only thing that's happen in the last few days is that I am preoccupied, but I'm not even the one so preoccupied as to fail to notice that I'm out having lunch with him. Really, this week, I feel like I'm not important to him at all.
betamanlet Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I'm sorry you went dateless for so long, but I'm not sure what you mean by being lucky to have an "outlet"? I would much rather not if he's into me the exact same week I'm trying to finish my thesis. If you mean that I might be taking my stress out on my bf, than, well, maybe. But it isn't like I'm snapping at him for no reason. In fact, I've never snapped at him. It's not even like I'm cranky. Up until today I wasn't cranky at all. The only thing that's happen in the last few days is that I am preoccupied, but I'm not even the one so preoccupied as to fail to notice that I'm out having lunch with him. Really, this week, I feel like I'm not important to him at all. Basically I was heavily implying I was a virgin throughout that. I had NO outlet other than drinking. I promise you, any sex you had relieved your stress, and some of us, hopefully not many, didn't even have that, so if you are be ing deprived of a relationship right now, think of people like me who never even had the opportunity during school.. Don't be so dependent. If I can graduate law school in the top 5% of my class a virgin, with no sexual outlet, you can do well too.
Author Kamille Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Or maybe you're finishing in the top 5% of your class because you didn't have someone pulling emotional stunts on you when you were going through intense work periods. Now does anyone have advice on how I can calm down. I'm just so angry at him tonight. I know a great part of it is because I'm stressed, but I've been drafting emails for him and I'm really tempted to send them. I don't think he even realizes I'm upset right now.
betamanlet Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Or maybe you're finishing in the top 5% of your class because you didn't have someone pulling emotional stunts on you when you were going through intense work periods. Now does anyone have advice on how I can calm down. I'm just so angry at him tonight. I know a great part of it is because I'm stressed, but I've been drafting emails for him and I'm really tempted to send them. I don't think he even realizes I'm upset right now. I had my school worries, plus feeling inferior to 99% of humanity due to my virginity. Don't take it so lightly.. You're taking for granted what you have. Or be ing dependent upon it.
melodymatters Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 You're in Writing Mode, from finishing your thesis, thats why you keep going to the keyboard with your feelings. I say WRITE !!! Keep going until it's purged, make 3, 7 different drafts. Get that energy and all of your thoughts out ! .....Then tomorrow morning, read them all over and decide which if any to send, and figure out how you want to deal with this with. Sorry, best I can do. :love:
Author Kamille Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 I'm taking for granted being taken for granted. Sure, ok, my problem is minor when compared to unwanted virginity. The thing is though, my feelings are still valid - even though I'm leading the high life and am dating. Right now, I am hurting. I appreciate your efforts to help me gain some perspective on my life but I would really like some advice about how to handle this situation. You know, advice that doesn't dismiss my feelings and anger as unwarranted because, really, I should just be thankful that I have someone in my life - even if it is someone who isn't really pulling through right now. Now, I will go see if you have a thread about virginity, and I'll see if I have any advice to give there.
Author Kamille Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 You're in Writing Mode, from finishing your thesis, thats why you keep going to the keyboard with your feelings. I say WRITE !!! Keep going until it's purged, make 3, 7 different drafts. Get that energy and all of your thoughts out ! .....Then tomorrow morning, read them all over and decide which if any to send, and figure out how you want to deal with this with. Sorry, best I can do. :love: Thanks Mel! It is helpful! I will write my heart out and see how I feel about it all tomorow morning. It's better then having to wait until Friday to deal with it (not that I have to decide tomorow, just that I will see how I feel tomorow. For some reason that releases some of the stress off "finishing the thesis". Now problem number two (still not as bad as unwanted virginity): how the hell am I going to get to sleep tonight??? I have so many thoughts running through my head.
NopeNah Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Just let it be,for now, and finish your work. Like you said, you're moving anyways. Might as well keep this going if you're "happy" with it at the moment. Don't make any rash decisions based on your stress...just yet.
tfkizzle Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I'm not necessarily saying that this is what you're doing - but, when I was writing my thesis years ago I used any and every excuse to focus on other things, and part of that had to do with the relationship I was in at the time. I know from experience that it's so much easier to say this than to actually do it, but you really need to just prioritize...and right now, finishing your thesis is what's important, NOT how your bf is or is not acting like a dick. If I were you, I would probably just try to meet up with him in person (or email if that's not possible) and just lay it all out for him: what you told him before about your work and what you needed and expected from him, and how you feel now...just as an FYI, this is how I'm feeling and it's affecting your ability to concentrate on your thesis. See what he says. THAT IS, only if you can handle the possibility that this might be more than your imagination right now.
Author Kamille Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 thanks tfkizzle, I cannot wait to be done simply because I am exhausted. Perhaps I am trying to find any excuses to not focus on my work: most likely: I'm exhausted. I am three days away from submitting. three days. The thesis is there. The bibliography is done and revised. The abstract, everything. Right now I am revising chapters. By now it's pure torture and today I couldn't meet my goals - because I was too annoyed by bf. So, I guess I understand what you're saying about finding other things to focus on - but I don't think that's what I'm doing. I'm too close. Likely I'm exhausted. I just realized that were this any other week I would likely just be thinking we're having an "off-week". I will calm down, try not to think about it for the next three days and then I will see how I feel.
Isolde Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 K- It may be possible that he feels you don't have enough time for him. Not fair or rational because he's doing the same to you, but men aren't always rational!
crosswordfiend Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Likely I'm exhausted. I just realized that were this any other week I would likely just be thinking we're having an "off-week". I will calm down, try not to think about it for the next three days and then I will see how I feel. That's the right way to think. Just channel all this agitation towards the dissertation and live to post another day!
Els Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Basically I was heavily implying I was a virgin throughout that. I had NO outlet other than drinking. I promise you, any sex you had relieved your stress, and some of us, hopefully not many, didn't even have that, so if you are be ing deprived of a relationship right now, think of people like me who never even had the opportunity during school.. Don't be so dependent. If I can graduate law school in the top 5% of my class a virgin, with no sexual outlet, you can do well too. I honestly think being in no relationship during stressful times of your life is less detrimental than being put through the emotional rollercoaster during stressful times of your life. With that said, Kamille, I agree with the others re: writing it down... although I'm not sure how happy I would be myself to have MORE writing to do after working at a thesis! What I've been doing in the past is, knowing that I'm going to brew over it ALL the time if I let it stew, to just let it all out in one big burst. While that worked for me in an established long-term relationship, I must admit that it's not necessarily the best thing to do, especially if you're taking things slow and just starting out. All the best for the thesis, girl!
Author Kamille Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Keeping my eyes on the prize keeping my eyes on the prize. I just realized that if I work my azz off today and tomorow, I can probably be all done by tomorow night. And take Friday for last last last minute details. K- It may be possible that he feels you don't have enough time for him. Not fair or rational because he's doing the same to you, but men aren't always rational! That's a possibility but honestly, I feel like I have more time for him than he does for me and... ah, well, I'm finishing my thesis! I have been stressed and so my emotions have been a bit all over the map in regards to my work, but all in all I am proud of how I've handled the stress of it so far. And I don't think I let him suffer through any of it. With that said, Kamille, I agree with the others re: writing it down... although I'm not sure how happy I would be myself to have MORE writing to do after working at a thesis! What I've been doing in the past is, knowing that I'm going to brew over it ALL the time if I let it stew, to just let it all out in one big burst. While that worked for me in an established long-term relationship, I must admit that it's not necessarily the best thing to do, especially if you're taking things slow and just starting out. I'm just disapointed in a way. I was looking foward to spending time with him yesterday because we've hardly seen each other the last few weeks and I wanted to be a fun relaxing lunch. He showed up completely preoccupied with his own life. After basically ignoring me all weekend. I asked him to be attentive and to be supportive because I wanted to finish my thesis in style, not bursting into tears because he isn't calling or because when he does show up, he's not paying attention to me. I drafted yet another break-up email this morning. The thing is, our busy schedules has been an issue for me in the past, in less stressful time, and I approached him about it then. Nothing has changed, it's only getting worse. I feel like he's already settled into a routine, slagged me under football in his list of priorities. And when I am honest with myself, I know I want more than that.
pandagirl Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Keeping my eyes on the prize keeping my eyes on the prize. I just realized that if I work my azz off today and tomorow, I can probably be all done by tomorow night. And take Friday for last last last minute details. That's a possibility but honestly, I feel like I have more time for him than he does for me and... ah, well, I'm finishing my thesis! I have been stressed and so my emotions have been a bit all over the map in regards to my work, but all in all I am proud of how I've handled the stress of it so far. And I don't think I let him suffer through any of it. I'm just disapointed in a way. I was looking foward to spending time with him yesterday because we've hardly seen each other the last few weeks and I wanted to be a fun relaxing lunch. He showed up completely preoccupied with his own life. After basically ignoring me all weekend. I asked him to be attentive and to be supportive because I wanted to finish my thesis in style, not bursting into tears because he isn't calling or because when he does show up, he's not paying attention to me. I drafted yet another break-up email this morning. The thing is, our busy schedules has been an issue for me in the past, in less stressful time, and I approached him about it then. Nothing has changed, it's only getting worse. I feel like he's already settled into a routine, slagged me under football in his list of priorities. And when I am honest with myself, I know I want more than that. I feel ya, Kamille. I'd be totally disappointed, too. But woohoo -- soon you'll be done with your dissertation!!! (What is it on, if you don't mind me asking?) Maybe he was distant during lunch because he's been going through something you've been unaware of, but didn't want to bring it up because of your own stress? Or maybe he's just being baby and is annoyed at your lack of attention towards him. I wouldn't break up just yet. After you're done writing, just talk to him about your disappointment and see what he has to say.
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