Rorocher Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 (edited) Help..my boyfriend has no friends and this bothers me. He is what I would describe as an outgoing introvert. He can make conversation and talk to strangers but he doesn't really apply himself to befriending these strangers. He's 30 years old and has been living in our area for about 4 years so all his childhood friends, college and post college friends are scattered all over the country and they have understandably drifted apart. Since he's been here though, he hasn't made any friends, he's a teacher at a small private school in a remote area so, it's not like he works in the city and sees people his age all the time. He plays on a softball team but his teammates are middle aged married men so no friendships have been struck there. We live together and other than me, he has no other friends/socializing outlets. I think he would like to change this but I think he's also content in some way being friendless. I really would like him to have his own core group of friends, go out with the guys ever so often and have his phone ring and not be his parents calling but this hasn't happened in 2 years. I half joke with him that if/when we get married, there would NO ONE on his side of the isle besides his parents and sisters, which is so true. Consequently too, it means, we never get to socialize with other people besides my friends, who are all single girls. Or him and I just socialize by ourselves. This really frustrates me...Obviously, I can't force him to have/make friends. So what should I do? Edited October 27, 2009 by Rorocher
MissJoness Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Accept him as he is. If he's content with not having friends, he doesn't need you nagging him about it. Some people do fine w/o having a large group of friends
homersheineken Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Funny when I read your post, I thought that sounds pretty similar to me. Perhaps he just enjoys being alone instead of guying around. I do. I do have a lot of guy friends in the city (and a bunch more way out in the burbs married), and go out with them sometimes, but not nearly as much as they go out together. But I'm very socialable, can be the life of the party, go up to random tables and start conversations. I enjoy personal time. What can I say, I'm pretty awesome and demanding lol Think of it like this, it's more time he wants to spend with you instead of going to bars and checking out your competition
Johnny M Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Consequently too, it means, we never get to socialize with other people besides my friends, who are all single girls. Is that the real issue here?
BlueHarvest Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Your BF sounds alot like me. And honestly, it sounds like you have a problem with him being happy. If he wants friends, he'll have to make that decision. You can't force him. By the way. I swear this feels like this *exact* same scenario was posted awhile back. (And I also know that this whole scenario was made into a movie....I think the name was "I love you man".)
Author Rorocher Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 Is that the real issue here? No, far from it. I don't desire to be single again..been there. I think the issue is I want us to be a well rounded couple. To have people to call for a night out on the town or a movie or an activity or just people to bounce ideas off of, I've found that you tend to have more fun with groups than one on one. He just sits at home whenever I go out with my girlfriends. It won't be bad to have the house to myself sometimes while he goes out with the guys but that NEVER happens. I think I'd like another social outlets besides just him and me all the time. Other couple friends maybe. I don't want him to be Mr. popular with tons of friends, a core group of 2 or 3 will be just fine, but you guys are right, I can't change him. I say he's content but maybe not so much since he does gripe about it sometimes. Blueharvest, haha, yes he laughed at "I love you man" because he could really relate to it. Zero friends. If we get married tommorow, he wouldn't have a wedding train. Not even a brother or brother-in-law as his best man.
boogieboy Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Leave him alone, hes a loner. He's not going to change, and you arent going to be able to help him unless he wants to do it. Besides, this isnt about him, its about you. YOU just want more of a social life beyond what you presently have. If you want more friends, then make some, but dont make it about him when you know its about you. He is content with your company and his life, leave him alone please.
threebyfate Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 As a possible compromise, why don't you personally, make some "couple" friends and then, the two of you have couples to socialize with. After a little bit of exposure to the couples, he might end up befriending some of the men.
Author Rorocher Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 (edited) As a possible compromise, why don't you personally, make some "couple" friends and then, the two of you have couples to socialize with. After a little bit of exposure to the couples, he might end up befriending some of the men. Oh trust me, I do and I've tried. He crinkles his face when I say that we should go to dinner with this new couple I met. He tells me "but I don't know them". well...duh...how will you get to know them if you don't attempt to hang out with them. I try to sign up for some activity based meet up groups in our area, he always has an excuse for not wanting to go. If he's more receptive to my attempts at making friends for BOTH of us, perhaps, I won't be bothered. I guess he doesn't have to have friends of his own but I honestly don't want to be his only social outlet, it's tiresome and boring. Whenever I walk in the house, he's always plopped down on that couch. "So honey, what did you do today", "Nothing, just work"..ugh! Edited October 27, 2009 by Rorocher
boogieboy Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 So then if it bugs you that much, and its not going to get better, leave him for someone whith his own social circle.
aerogurl87 Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Haha your BF reminds me of my BF. He has no friends here because he moved away from his hometown in another state and has yet to make any real friends here, but you know what? He's happy that way, and if he's happy then I'm happy for him. No point in trying to change someone when they are content with how they are now. And to be honest I like my boyfriend not having any friends really since it means I don't get put second to hanging out with the guys and I know I can always have him to myself when I want to. Works out well for me.
threebyfate Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Oh trust me, I do and I've tried. He crinkles his face when I say that we should go to dinner with this new couple I met. He tells me "but I don't know them". well...duh...how will you get to know them if you don't attempt to hang out with them. I try to sign up for some activity based meet up groups in our area, he always has an excuse for not wanting to go. If he's more receptive to my attempts at making friends for BOTH of us, perhaps, I won't be bothered. I guess he doesn't have to have friends of his own but I honestly don't want to be his only social outlet, it's tiresome and boring. Whenever I walk in the house, he's always plopped down on that couch. "So honey, what did you do today", "Nothing, just work"..ugh!If this is really important to you, it sounds like a compatibility issue. He's not going to change unless he wants to. From the sounds of it, he doesn't. Have you ever sat down and had a real heart-to-heart with him? This includes discussing all your concerns about not having a life outside of work and your relationship.
betamanlet Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Is the real problem that because he has no friends, he has only you, making him seem "needy" in your eyes, hence you find him less attractive now?
Vertex Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Well, he's had friends in the past, so it's not like he's an antisocialite. It sounds like, to me, he doesn't like meeting people for the sake of meeting people, which is something I can relate to. Does he perhaps enjoy meeting people naturally, through work/hobbies/social events he enjoys/etc? Sometimes people prefer to make friends and THEN hang out, not hanging out to make friends. Maybe find a hobby that he enjoys that would involve other people that you guys could meet as a result of simply doing something together from the getgo? Either way, you should probably not force him to do something he isn't comfortable with when it comes to friendship circles. Friendship can't be forced, and so the best thing to do is figure out what he likes/dislikes about people and making friends and simply facilitate that process.
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