shh120 Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Long story but I'll shorten it. Husband left me and said he wanted a divorce. Posted on his myspace that he was already divorced and dating. That hurt. I am left taking care of the kids and the house. He called at night frequently and I quit answering the phone. Then one night he pulled into the driveway and I come out. I let him stay the night and he promised me that he wouldn't leave and that it wasn't a booty call. The next day he left. He continued to call at night to check up on where I am and what I am doing. I don't even know where he is staying. We fight non stop because of his accusations. I am confused at this point. This goes on for about 6 weeks. He even stormed in my house at 1:00 in the morning, searching it and accusing me of having someone over. I haven't had time or the desire to date, I work full time and then take care of the kids and home and he has me emotionally shaken anyway! I cry every night and can't eat or sleep. He then decided he doesn't want a divorce because he can't see me with anyone else. He changes his myspace to married and friends. I take him back but tell him that if he leaves again I will not forgive him. It lasts for less than a week. I found out that he had been partying and dating, etc.. you know the single life. I told him that it would take time for me to get over what he did to me. It started yet another argument and he left again yesterday morning before I went to work, leaving me struggling to find a babysitter at the last minute. I am very angry and hurt. I kept thinking that if he would just come back and be a husband and father and honor the commitments he made then we would be okay. Today, though, I see that he has already chosen not to be a family man when he is having too much fun not having any responsibility. I have to accept that although I am angry because I am left with ALL the responsibility and obligations (again). What I cannot accept is his behavior! It is as if he doesn't want me but he wants to make sure that I am still emotionally invested in him so I don't go looking for anyone else. He is my husband and not my on-again/off-again boyfriend! If anyone can give me insight as to why spouses say they want out and leave but still don't want to let you go I'd really appreciate it. I am so confused!
tinktronik Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 He won't let you go because he sees you as a possession, not a person. My marriage was very similar to yours. I don't have a lot of time to post much now but I will follow up on this thread when I d have the time.
LisaUk Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Hi, this is a tricky one, it may be something akin to what women do called cake eating. This happens when a women gets herself an OM but strings the H along until she is sure things are going to work out with her lover. It's very common, a lot of men here on this board have been abused in this way. Tell me, has he given you the "I love you but I am not in love with you" speech? This is the usual indicator that they have someone else. Perhaps it is time to do some digging? Keep posting, this is a devastating experience, but we will pick you up and carry you through it.
dazedandconfused2008 Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Thats what my ex was doing with me. He wants the best of both worlds like lisa said...he wants his cake and eat it too. He wants the fun single life AND he wants the family life. They say one of the signs of cheating is when the person doing the cheating (the cheater) is accusing you (the cheated) of being unfaithful because the cheater is being unfaithful themselves. You want a word of advice from someone thats been in the EXACT situation as you? Put a STOP TO SEEING HIM IMMEDIATELY. He wants to be a dog...throw him out like one. (Although i know a lot of dogs that have more morals than a human ) Dont fullfill HIS needs. He is getting from you just until hes had his lil fix and is ready to go play single life again. Back and forth...back and forth. Do it NOW and dont end up like how mine did...where this sick lil game dragged on for 2 years. Its so painful and its not good for the kids to see. He needs to see, feel, live with the consequences of his actions. As hard as this is....dont worry about him. He sure isnt worrying about your feelings, needs, and load of responsibilities. Worry about yourself and your kids first and foremost. Gather support (like here), friends, family, etc. Get individual counselling. Sometimes i wonder how MY story would have ended if i had done that in the beginning and stuck to it. Maybe he would have taken what he did more seriously. But whats done is done and know that you DO have strength deep inside and you DONT deserve this. Im concerned about you and your kids because you said that he barged in at 1 am looking for another man and accusing you?!!!! What he is doing to you is emotional and mental abuse and you have a right to protect yourself. I would suggest talking to someone in your community that deals specifically with abuse. Abuse comes in all forms...not just physical. Abuse is about having power over someone else and by the sounds of it he has that over you. For now. I say for now...cuz you have the choice to take your own power back. It took me almost 18 years to know what abuse means. I just wanted to also say i really feel for you and what you are going through. Just know that you are not alone and that there are people in this world that do care. No one knows the future...but alot of people on here can tell you that taking care of and protecting yourself and kids is #1. Once you do that you can deal with things a bit better. He can or wont change and you will change in time...but whatever happens YOU decide what is best for you and your kids.
trippi1432 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Long story but I'll shorten it. Husband left me and said he wanted a divorce. Posted on his myspace that he was already divorced and dating. That hurt. I am left taking care of the kids and the house. He called at night frequently and I quit answering the phone. Then one night he pulled into the driveway and I come out. I let him stay the night and he promised me that he wouldn't leave and that it wasn't a booty call. The next day he left. He continued to call at night to check up on where I am and what I am doing. I don't even know where he is staying. We fight non stop because of his accusations. I am confused at this point. This goes on for about 6 weeks. He even stormed in my house at 1:00 in the morning, searching it and accusing me of having someone over. I haven't had time or the desire to date, I work full time and then take care of the kids and home and he has me emotionally shaken anyway! I cry every night and can't eat or sleep. He then decided he doesn't want a divorce because he can't see me with anyone else. He changes his myspace to married and friends. I take him back but tell him that if he leaves again I will not forgive him. It lasts for less than a week. I found out that he had been partying and dating, etc.. you know the single life. I told him that it would take time for me to get over what he did to me. It started yet another argument and he left again yesterday morning before I went to work, leaving me struggling to find a babysitter at the last minute. I am very angry and hurt. I kept thinking that if he would just come back and be a husband and father and honor the commitments he made then we would be okay. Today, though, I see that he has already chosen not to be a family man when he is having too much fun not having any responsibility. I have to accept that although I am angry because I am left with ALL the responsibility and obligations (again). What I cannot accept is his behavior! It is as if he doesn't want me but he wants to make sure that I am still emotionally invested in him so I don't go looking for anyone else. He is my husband and not my on-again/off-again boyfriend! If anyone can give me insight as to why spouses say they want out and leave but still don't want to let you go I'd really appreciate it. I am so confused! Believe me, you are not the only one....http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t196286/. Mine was doing this too and has the nerve to tell me to move on....*rolling eyes*.
Author shh120 Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Thank you for the insights. Yeah I found out that he was living it up and had the nerve to accuse me of it but when the spotlight shown on his actions he left. Ugh! My sister told me that I shouldn't sweat it cause I have always taken care of everything and that I will find my strength again. I am just so darn angry because while I am struggling he wants to blow his money at the bars and strip clubs...money that could buy diapers, groceries, and other things the kids need! If he thinks he can come back home when his money runs out he has another thing coming! The sad part is he isn't working right now but collects $300 a week on unemployment. Instead of watching our daughter while I work.. he is gone, leaving me paying $100 a week for a babysitter! And to think I supported his butt on and off for months at a time. And this is the thanks I get? UGH!!! It isn't about the money though it is more about his lack of consideration!! Who I thought he was (I believed the family man crap he gave me) and who he really is...two different people. I am angry at myself for being so darn stupid and gullible!! I am beginning to wonder if all men are like this. Do they all cheat and think that it's okay to party it up as long as their wife is home taking care of everything? Do they even understand what commitment to family entails? If so why do they make commitments when they have no intention of honoring them? He is so worried about me finding someone else. Little does he know that thanks to him I don't think I'll ever trust again to want to date!
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Im concerned about you and your kids because you said that he barged in at 1 am looking for another man and accusing you?!!!! . ssh120 - I think you need to change the locks on your doors.
Author shh120 Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 I had them changed right after he did that. He had the nerve to ask for a key over the weekend and I told him no, not until he decided he wanted to be home for good and moved all his stuff back in. I left him the opportunity to come back home but he chose to leave before he could even unpack a suitcase. Now that I know what he has been doing I don't think we are going to work this out. His own guilt has him going crazy. He even had the nerve to ask me if I bought a vibrator! I said no, why? He couldn't understand how I could go so long without sex when we were used to sex every night. OMG...THAT is the last thing on my mind....I don't have time to myself and even if I did have the time I'd probably end up falling asleep on myself! Hahaha!!! Besides, I'm not in the right state of mind to enjoy anything sexual. It hurts and repulses me that he could throw our marriage away as if it never mattered. It mattered to me, you know? The complete disrespect, infidelity, and lack of integrity knocks the wind out of me. I actually love him and would never in a million years think of doing that to him! His actions alone show me that the feeling isn't mutual...that is hard to accept. I hope his guilt gives him ulcers, his partying gives him a DUI, and his infidelity gives him an STD!
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I had them changed right after he did that. He had the nerve to ask for a key over the weekend and I told him no, not until he decided he wanted to be home for good and moved all his stuff back in. I left him the opportunity to come back home but he chose to leave before he could even unpack a suitcase. Now that I know what he has been doing I don't think we are going to work this out. Good for you. You need to think of moving forward WITHOUT him. Whether you get back to gether for good or not - right NOW you need to take care of yourself. Look for the thread on the 180 and start doing that now, ok? His own guilt has him going crazy. He even had the nerve to ask me if I bought a vibrator! I said no, why? He couldn't understand how I could go so long without sex when we were used to sex every night. OMG...THAT is the last thing on my mind....I don't have time to myself and even if I did have the time I'd probably end up falling asleep on myself! Hahaha!!! Besides, I'm not in the right state of mind to enjoy anything sexual. What a schmuck he is. I enjoy sex as much as the average guy (or more?) and it took me about 45 days or more before I attempted to do the "laundry by hand" if you know what I mean... It was the LAST thing on my mind. It hurts and repulses me that he could throw our marriage away as if it never mattered. It mattered to me, you know? The complete disrespect, infidelity, and lack of integrity knocks the wind out of me. I actually love him and would never in a million years think of doing that to him! His actions alone show me that the feeling isn't mutual...that is hard to accept. I know - I would have done ANYthing to save our M. She acted like we were together 16 minutes vs. 16 years. The lying and the indifference are what killed me - much more than the actual affair. I hope his guilt gives him ulcers, his partying gives him a DUI, and his infidelity gives him an STD! Can I borrow that one for my STBXW??? hehehe
Author shh120 Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Can I borrow that one for my STBXW??? hehehe Absolutely!
Author shh120 Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Who's name is on the mortgage? Mine. He has no bills in his name except the cable bill. He got mad when I shut off his cell phone but I wasn't about to pay for his phone when he is using it to cheat on me! Next, I guess I will have to take his vehicle off my insurance. If he doesn't want to help out then why should I pay his bills when the money could go to diapers and groceries? I am thinking of calling the cable company and telling them that he no longer lives here and have them either disconnect it or have him transfer the service to his new residence.
Aksion Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 My stbxw also got upset when I cut her phone off. When she left, she took a pile of money that SHE DIDN'T MAKE as she wasn't working, and then got angry I cut her phone off. I never said a word to her about the money, I just asked she pay her last months use of the cell and she responded "Well you're the one who decided to shut it off, not me." Well no ****...was I going to allow her to use a phone that was in my name if she didn't want to be with me? The nerve of these people...
Author shh120 Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 UGH! Found out my husband's best friend has been gossipping about my marriage in her local business establishment to her customers! I am beyond pissed! I know her own marital problems she is going through but I would never in a million years go into a store and gossip about what's going on because it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS! The nerve of that chick! I swear I'm ready to go off!!!!!!!
trippi1432 Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Mine. He has no bills in his name except the cable bill. He got mad when I shut off his cell phone but I wasn't about to pay for his phone when he is using it to cheat on me! Next, I guess I will have to take his vehicle off my insurance. If he doesn't want to help out then why should I pay his bills when the money could go to diapers and groceries? I am thinking of calling the cable company and telling them that he no longer lives here and have them either disconnect it or have him transfer the service to his new residence. Good for you! I did the same thing with my H after he left the second time. Take care of you....they won't do a thing for you after they leave. I'm even having to pay for the attorney, the CS order, the Custody order, the SA and the divorce.
Author shh120 Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 Yeah I will be paying for everything too. Although he wants to go running his mouth to anyone who will listen, including MY family.....poor pitiful husband (puke). He wants to accuse me of doing everything when I am the one with the kids and job and he is the one living up the single life! And then say that he shouldn't have to tell me anything. Okay don't tell me what you are doing BUT get off my back!!! And then go tell everyone that I ask too much of him. Get a job? Help pay bills? Our kids need insurance? If you don't get a job then watch your daughter while I work? How about be home at night instead of spending our grocery money at the bar and then when I come look for you you hide from me then come stumbling in the house late at night broke and drunk? Then when unemployment finally kicks in you want to up and leave us? And you don't pay child support or even help with diapers and the kids are lucky you come see them maybe once a week for a few hours? AND you wonder why I am becoming a b****!!! Sorry guys...I really needed to get that off my chest!
Author shh120 Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 I am on my lunch hour and I can't stop the tears! I don't want my co-workers to see me cry so I guess I am typing. He called me at work and the sound of his voice....why???? All my dreams shattered. My hopes and wishes washed down the drain as reality sets in. I wanted my husband to WANT to be a husband. I wanted the settled down lifestyle and raise our kids together, grow old together, go on those vacations we always talked about but never got around to. And I guess I wanted my husband to cherish me...that I would be his "ONE". D*** him! Instead I get a man who is luke warm at best, doesn't know what he wants, and wants to throw us away for what? I know I cannot take him back no matter how much I really really want to. I need a devoted husband NOT this! I still have that dream of family life.....but I don't have the desire to look again. We were supposed to have that life together! Or perhaps...maybe I carried that dream on my own. I don't know. I am so tired of these tears and the grief process....I get all jumbled up...one minute I hate him for what he did, the next I long to hear his voice but when I do I hurt all over again! Friday the kids are going to stay with my brother and I am going to go to my girlfriend's house to watch movies and probably cry on her shoulder (again). I can't stay in the house by myself...I will drive myself mad! Of course I will get bombarded with phone calls when I get home...where were you? who were you with? blah blah blah.
ADF Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Confused? Hurt? You should be terrified! This man is a vicious control freak. He may well become violent and hurt or kill you. Get an order of protection asap.
Author shh120 Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 Confused? Hurt? You should be terrified! This man is a vicious control freak. He may well become violent and hurt or kill you. Get an order of protection asap. My husband has never layed a hand on me. Not once. He is a jealous man though and recently (since he started going out on me) he likes to know what I am always doing. That gets old. He was never like that before. Like I said: it is his own guilt that makes him think that I must be doing what he is doing. Stupid men. I don't fear my husband.
phineas Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Mine. He has no bills in his name except the cable bill. He got mad when I shut off his cell phone but I wasn't about to pay for his phone when he is using it to cheat on me! Next, I guess I will have to take his vehicle off my insurance. If he doesn't want to help out then why should I pay his bills when the money could go to diapers and groceries? I am thinking of calling the cable company and telling them that he no longer lives here and have them either disconnect it or have him transfer the service to his new residence. Yes, good for you. I had all the bills in my name except my wife's car. She got that with her dad without even consulting me. I should of known something was wrong back then. OH well. Recently she came to me about the remote car starter I got her for christmas not working. Yeah? so what? I paid damn near $300 to have it installed & 4 months later she walked out on me to be with her boyfriend. She wanted me to take it in & have them fix it. I told her to do it herself because it just doesn't matter to me anymore. Oh and someone tried guessing my password on my cell phone account the other day & disabled it. Then I got a call from the phone company for my wife concerning a call log for the home phone (which is in my name) Apparantly my wife has noticed my complete lack of interest in her & is trying to figure out if i've found someone else. LOL!
phineas Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 My husband has never layed a hand on me. Not once. He is a jealous man though and recently (since he started going out on me) he likes to know what I am always doing. That gets old. He was never like that before. Like I said: it is his own guilt that makes him think that I must be doing what he is doing. Stupid men. I don't fear my husband. Actually, he wants to make sure you havn't found someone else. If you have he can't keep you strung. My wife was cheating on me, lived in her own place, yet still tried to find out if I was seeing someone. Not until last month did I even consider spending time with another woman & even now I don't want anything more than casual hanging out. But, she wanted to keep stringing me along for some reason.
Author shh120 Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 Yep, I think you are 100% right. That's what is irritating. I am already emotionally invested in him and when he comes around I have to guard my longing for him. He doesn't want me to move on even though he already has! Cake eater I think is the term I read on here. And I am with you...I haven't even slightly considered dating, which would be an aweful date for whoever I was on a date with...nothing like crying to your new date about your spouse!
dazedandconfused2008 Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 If you really want to help yourself...the NC (no contact) or LC (low contact and only talk about kids and only kids...nothing more) really does work. How can one grieve, heal, and move on when the wound is constantly being reopened? At this point there is nothing to gain by talking to him. Your just going in circles with this guy. Its time to get off the merry go round and put a stop to his crap. I understand the dreams of wanting that husband and father to grow up already and step up and provide that love and share of responsibility. The reality is that its not going to happen anytime soon...and the even harder reality that sometimes they never will. Hence the importance of moving on now for ourselves and our kids. There is nothing you can do or say that will stop him. He hasnt hit his rock bottom and felt real loss yet because you are still available to him...even if its just talking. The only thing to do is continue living for ourselves and for our kids, and see that loss (his) will bring forth gain (yours) in time. Gain comes in all forms. These are only a few...Eg. With him gone it actually might bring more income to your household because he is not draining it anymore. The money is just for you and your kids now...even if its just on bills. You may find that your relationship with your children will get stronger because your focus will shift from him to them (especially more noticeable after grieving) because focus is not being shared (him and kids) anymore. Your home becomes what you make it. Its yours and your kids now...redecorate..even if its just rearranging furniture. You will start getting to know yourself better down the road when you start doing things that you like or always wanted to try. There is really a lot to look forward to when you start getting past the hurdles. As i said before...abuse doesnt have to be physical. The definition of abuse is one person wanting or having control over another person using any means necessary to have that feeling of power. You do not have to fear him....but he manipulates you and is trying to prevent you from leaving him or moving on. Controlling behavior and jealousy are two signs of abuse. Only a person that deals with abuse can help you assess if this is the case or not. I cannot stress the importance of personal counselling at this time. Its nice to speak to someone that is a third party and does not know either of you. Its gives you a better perspective of everything and its there to help YOU. Cry as much as you need to. It hurts. Its great that your brother is taking the kids so you can have some time to yourself. I broke down once in the grocery store while shopping...so dont feel bad:o. I laugh at that movie forgetting sarah marshall cuz thats me...crying all the time. Oh well...just the way it is..for now....
trippi1432 Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Yep, I think you are 100% right. That's what is irritating. I am already emotionally invested in him and when he comes around I have to guard my longing for him. He doesn't want me to move on even though he already has! Cake eater I think is the term I read on here. And I am with you...I haven't even slightly considered dating, which would be an aweful date for whoever I was on a date with...nothing like crying to your new date about your spouse! I had the same problem with my first husband, I worked 3 jobs while he stayed out all night partying. I would come home from one job to find that our daughter hadn't eaten all day and her diaper hadn't been changed all day. I was just sick. I gave him a week to find a job so we could afford adequate daycare, he said he would. At the end of the week, I came home to a note on the table saying he couldn't live like this anymore. *rolling eyes*. In the end, I was still finding out 6 years later about all of my "so called" friends that he had been sleeping with. It took me 2 years to get over it and now with this ex, all those insecurities keep coming up....trust is totally gone.
LakesideDream Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Shh, I read you thread, all of it. The first thought that comes to me is saddness. I feel bad that a man, your husband is doing this to you. It's had to imagine that you've done anything to deserve any of it. Having been around here (LS) for years now, your story isn't new, which makes it no sadder. The way I read it, your husband is very immature. Does he have a drink or drug problem? Often substance abuse retards emotional growth. Please keep the reality that you don't deserve this at the top of your mind. You may not be able to anything to change your husbands behavior, but you don't need to facilitate it. Keep the contact to a minimum. Don't allow him to hut you any more than necessary. And.. use your resources, friends and family to blunt the worst of it. Don't allow yourself to be treated badly. You deserve better. Keep posting, there are lots of people who care. I hope you have a day or two of rest before it starts again. Good luck.
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