lostsunsets Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 Clear**thump**. My gosh. You both need CPR. At least if you told him. He might wake up. Oh well.
Author Samantha0905 Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 **Clear**thump. My gosh. You both need CPR. At least if you told him. He might wake up. Oh well. Well, I am telling him stuff -- hence this past weekend's conversation. We're working on it! Thank you dear.
2sunny Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 well i like the effort he's making by inviting you to do some things that are out of the usual routine. can you both get tickets to watch a golf tournament? find areas that you do both enjoy and try them on for size, things you never considered before. the cabin, maybe take a walk each day while you're there. simple talk of the scenery, he needs to learn to converse with you without it feeling so purposeful. make it lighthearted and fun. the remote thing and tv time would seem a bit much for a man trying to connect with his wife. express your desire to have some interaction through the evening. also, can you lay out a puzzle on the coffee table for him to get distracted with? even if you are both working on a puzzle intermittently - it is better than just solid tv time. if there is no conversation during puzzle time - that's ok, the idea is to be next to him and use any words of encouragement or joy while the puzzle is in progress. this can look like... oooh honey, nice piece you got there! or i'm looking for a piece that looks like ______ colors - do you see one over there by you?" when progress is made you might say "wow, we are making such good progress on the puzzle - i'm proud of our accomplishment" or "thank you for working on the puzzle with me, i love our puzzle time" also, use it as time to get close to him physically, brush up against him to reach a piece or bend over in front of him to give him a good look while you are working at the project. the point is, easy, relaxed intimate, physical interaction working as a common goal under very innocent circumstances. it gets his brain working towards you both being together - relaxed and having fun, being playful, sometimes naughty... get my drift?
mem11363 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 SS, Is to help people. Sam has defined the parameters of the help she wants. Why can't you respect that? There really are two completely different camps here. Each can make a compelling argument. Sam has decided. Lay off FCS!!! Sam, Would your husband take a dancing class with you? Is he fit/healthy enough to do physical stuff with you? Go hiking, h-back riding, etc? Dancing is a great type of intimacy/foreplay. I do think that you will benefit greatly if you can find some activities to do with him that help him let go of the weight of his burdens for a time so that he can be playful with you - or at the very least allow you to be playful with him. Samantha, It is your decision to tell or not to tell of course. You state that telling will only hurt your spouse. Yes it will hurt him if you tell. It will hurt him more if he happens to find out by some one other than you. No matter 10 days,10 months or 10 years down the road, the pain will be like you just did it the night before to him. It is also stated in "that camp" that telling is a selfish act to alleviate the betrayer of their guilt. How absurd. The betrayer will always feel guilt whether they confess or not. Not confessing allows compartmentalization. You can put the wrong doing away in a box in your mind. You will subconciously guard this box in your mind and it will be an area your husband cannot be privy to. Thus making it impossible to be truly open and honest with him. There will be times that your conversations will be about infidelity and you will make your comments of this and that. He will remember those comments if the truth comes out. He will remember everything you said and how he was mislead. That's only if he finds out Yes you can move forward but it will be weighed down. Weighed down because you know the truth. From your posts I can deduct that you are very intelligent, able to recant and counter posts that do not go along with your thinking or reasoning also with a hint of sarcasm and wit. But you are not invincible and your affair is not unique. This has happened millions of times. I know...lots of people have not confessed and I cannot say how their marriages are at this point. However I do know of the ones who held it in for years and got found out. I even know of a story where a woman had gotten cancer and was an avid church goer. She would have surgery, it would go in remission and come back. She said G_d told her to confess her affair to her husband, the affair she had 20 years ago, or the cancer would continue to come back until she died if she didn't confess. She confessed it to her husband. Was he hurt? of course he was. Still is, but he knows the the truth and can make a decision to stay or go. He is staying and working it out currently. Cancer still in remission. By not confessing you rob your husband of a decision to stay or go in a relationship in which he was wronged morally and disrespected. You are actually "fooling" him to stay with you. It goes for a man as well as a woman. You can find many reasons to support not telling and many reasons to support telling, but at the end of it all it comes down to you and your relationship to your husband. One with a hideous skeleton in the closet or one with openness at least on your end. I'm not judging or even trying to bash you, just stating things I have learned
Author Samantha0905 Posted November 12, 2009 Author Posted November 12, 2009 (edited) SS, Is to help people. Sam has defined the parameters of the help she wants. Why can't you respect that? There really are two completely different camps here. Each can make a compelling argument. Sam has decided. Lay off FCS!!! Sam, Would your husband take a dancing class with you? Is he fit/healthy enough to do physical stuff with you? Go hiking, h-back riding, etc? Dancing is a great type of intimacy/foreplay. I do think that you will benefit greatly if you can find some activities to do with him that help him let go of the weight of his burdens for a time so that he can be playful with you - or at the very least allow you to be playful with him. I'm watching a movie on my computer (Tortilla Soup), but I want to take time out to answer this because it made me smile and you're bringing back memories of periods where we have been more intimate than maybe I've given us credit. I think during hard times we forget some of the great times. I started weight lifting in my early 30s. We'd been married about 13 years. My husband had always been a runner. I stayed small -- size 2's (still am) -- but worked out at a powerlifting gym and got to where I was leg pressing in the low 800lbs and squatting in the low 200lbs, deadlifting mid-200's and I weighed 114lbs. I'm 119 now, so still a shrimp. Anyway, my husband ran half-marathons. For about a year he started lifting with me during my 30s. He said he was watching me get fitter and fitter and didn't want to be left behind. He became a pretty darn strong dead lifter, from all the running I guess. He had strong legs. I remember the first time I leg pressed with him, he said, "You're crazy." Then, following his lead -- I ran a 10K. I made it, but I am not a runner. I looked at him at the top of a 3/4 mile hill and said, "You're kidding, right?!" After a while, he just wasn't that interested in lifting. It was fine. He loved running. I loved lifting. Later, we both had kept exercising -- him running and me lifting -- and I developed a golfing habit, following his lead. He's a pretty darn good golfer (70s). Me, not so much but I've shot under 100 sometimes. Anyway, I've done a few figure competitions (body building, fitness & figure) and ridden in a couple MS150 bike rides for MS -- road bikes with clipless pedals like Lance Armstrong -- except Lance is a Hell of a lot better than me . My hubby has completed a lot of organized runs, but his knees started telling him to stop because he's not a small man. Not a fat man. Pretty fit. He's just tall and big boned and there's a lot of force hitting the ground and jarring his body with each stride. So, he was never totally interested in weightlifting -- but some -- and he's fit. Funny thing, when I moved out he started lifting four/five times a week, keeps a journal and even has started some powerlifting exercises like sled dragging. He asked me to draw up a weightlifting program for him. He eats way healthier also. My son does too lately and my daughter has started exercising. Just when I thought they all thought I was crazy, they started doing what I had done forever. As karma would have it, I haven't done hardly anything in the last six months...... Anyway, yes definitely fit enough to take dancing lessons and I would love for us to do that. He actually has moves and I dance like Elaine from Seinfeld. Our "song" was/is "I'm Your Boogie Man" by K.C. and the Sunshine Band. Remember -- I was 14 and he was 15. He used to sit on the pew behind me in church and sing that in my ear during the service. LOL That's the guy I fell in love with. When my daughter was in high school and in a magnet school for the arts -- she specialized in dance -- part of her recital was to have to do a father/daughter dance at a large local theater where a lot of ballets/plays/etc. are held. He balked because it had been so long since he had danced. I told him oh yes he was going to do it and he did. Our daughter was not going to be on stage without her daddy. They had to take classes. They looked great and had a lot of rhythm. She has that talent also. They were so sweet together. I do think dancing is sexy and I love to slow dance with my husband. I have to be a couple drinks under to fast dance because I have no rhythm, but I forget that if I'm a bit tipsy. I've also told him over and over let's go hiking. I hope we will be able to do that next weekend. During college, he was a camp counselor in the mountains. He loved that. Once on a business trip we won, we had the opportunity to zip line 200ft in the air at 45mph. Now, that scared the you know whatie out of me, but we did it and what a blast!! I love stuff like that. Thanks for reminding me we enjoy many of the same things. I'll ask him about dance lessons while he's willing to do stuff. I think he will right now and I would love that. First, I'll try to get him to hike with me next weekend. Edited November 12, 2009 by Samantha0905
boldjack Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I think OP,that I was wrong. I thought that your lack of an honest heart was your most unpleasant feature.. But I was wrong, so wrong. What bothers me as much or more is your almost complete delusion about what constitutes love and respect. But this is to be expected from a totally selfish person. (BTW your list of reasons not to tell is among the biggest loads of escapist crap. that I have ever read). You won't tell him, for you, not for him, at least try to be honest about that.. You have already developed a martyr complex, Talking about "the scarlett letter", and about "self-branding", how you are saved by Grace, (have you ever spoken to a clergyman, about your lying?). By God, you sound like Joan of Arc. The next thing you will be talking about is that you are washed with the blood of the Lamb. All because you are scared to admit to your husband, that you were unsatisfied, and wanted to get laid by another man. Sam, Look at all of the excuses you are fabricating. Re-read your own posts with the eyes of another. You are living in a self-made dream world. Poor Sam
mem11363 Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 BJ, Sam is delightful. She made one big mistake - and is trying to make it right. Why are you being so hateful? I think you have a toxic amount of anger in you. Oh and also - I thought your incredibly judgmental nature was your most unattractive feature. But I was wrong - completely wrong. You are literally boiling over with anger/hate and that is way uglier then simply being judgmental. Sam, I read your post about lifting and fitness and hiking. That is great. I also read your post about your man and his 4-5 hour nightly tv binges. That is not cool. I am not suggesting he shouldn't watch tv. But it is bad behavior to completely shut down interaction to watch tv each night. My wife and I totally give each other space and clearly you have many interests and friends. So you are not crowding him. But when you described the way he holds the remote - that hurt. He does need to change a few things. You deserve to be loved - really loved. And that takes more attention and focus then he was giving you. When my wife and I watch tv, we are always touching and often one of us is giving the other a nice long massage or a back scratch while we watch. I would never ever sit apart from her watching tv - or doing anything else. What would he do if you just told him: Friday night we are going to the Jazz club for an hour or two. We are going to have a couple drinks and flirt. Then we are coming home and I am going to rock your world. I think OP,that I was wrong. I thought that your lack of an honest heart was your most unpleasant feature.. But I was wrong, so wrong. What bothers me as much or more is your almost complete delusion about what constitutes love and respect. But this is to be expected from a totally selfish person. (BTW your list of reasons not to tell is among the biggest loads of escapist crap. that I have ever read). You won't tell him, for you, not for him, at least try to be honest about that.. You have already developed a martyr complex, Talking about "the scarlett letter", and about "self-branding", how you are saved by Grace, (have you ever spoken to a clergyman, about your lying?). By God, you sound like Joan of Arc. The next thing you will be talking about is that you are washed with the blood of the Lamb. All because you are scared to admit to your husband, that you were unsatisfied, and wanted to get laid by another man. Sam, Look at all of the excuses you are fabricating. Re-read your own posts with the eyes of another. You are living in a self-made dream world. Poor Sam
boldjack Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 MEM, I don't hate Sam or anyone. I hate dishonesty. I would be perfectly willing to help her or anyone, who is making an HONEST effort to recover from infidelity. I am direct, but fair. I was no better than Sam or any cheater, in fact, I was much, much worse. I learned that only honesty, could ever permanently heal a broken marriage. And Yes, I have reached out to Sam and to others. If you don't know my story , don't criticize.
boldjack Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 BTW if I could somehow show Samantha how much better it would be if she were honest, I would think that I had done a good thing. I am sure she and her husband would be much more likely to reconnect, if both of them had the same information. But, I have failed, I know. Why can't people learn that " The truth shall make you free".
SoulStorm Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 (edited) SS, Is to help people. Sam has defined the parameters of the help she wants. Why can't you respect that? There really are two completely different camps here. Each can make a compelling argument. Sam has decided. Lay off FCS!!! Sam, Would your husband take a dancing class with you? Is he fit/healthy enough to do physical stuff with you? Go hiking, h-back riding, etc? Dancing is a great type of intimacy/foreplay. I do think that you will benefit greatly if you can find some activities to do with him that help him let go of the weight of his burdens for a time so that he can be playful with you - or at the very least allow you to be playful with him. MEM, I am helping her and I may indulge my opinion in any form as long as it meets THIS BOARD's guidlines. I am well within them so LAY OFF me. The last time I checked, my mother was not named MEM. Nor is MEM the name of any moderator on here. Edited November 12, 2009 by SoulStorm
WalkInThePark Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I'm moving out of our apartment and when I get home, I'm going to go out of my way to make him feel special. In my opinion, this is a recipe for disaster. You stepped out of your marriage because your needs were not met. The balance was disturbed. There should be a healthy give and take in a relationship. You gave more than you received and it broke at a certain moment, hence the affair. Now you are still not getting what you want but you will give and give and give again. In the hope that you will get back. Which will probably not happen because your H does not get it. He does not get how unsatisfied you are. I would throw all the cards on the table. Tell him about the affair, tell him how alive it made you feel, tell him you need passion. Then it is up to him to learn from that and to change, or remain stuck in his old ways. What will happen now is that you will continue to struggle... Yes, it might be better for a while but you will never have the big change you really want. And before you know it you will be together for 38 years in the same not totally unhappy but definitely not 100% marriage. I find it so contradictory that you talk about how much love there is between the two of you yet you complain about a lack of passion and communication. Don't know but are these things not vital for a loving relationship? OK, I have never been married but I read so often here that people are bored, that is has all become routine. Why should this be necessary unavoidable when you have been married for many years? I think that if people are really compatible, that they truly enjoy each other's company and that this remains the case after many years...
Dexter Morgan Posted November 12, 2009 Posted November 12, 2009 I've said I made a colossal mistake, sin, etc. I know the affair did not negate 28 years of marriage. It's a shallow view of what love is, in my opinion, if you think an affair means it takes away all shared memories, love, etc. negating may be the wrong word. but you definitley diminished 28 years of marriage. I suppose if you had been there -- shared the tremendous love that is in my family, etc. -- you maybe could have an inkling. all that love......and you cheat:o thats the inkling I get. I'm not so sure though, because you're dogmatic in your thinking and not open to the possibility I have been forgiven and we still have tremendous love in our family. I'm open to the possibility that you may have been forgiven. Everyone is different. but whether or not you have been forgiven, don't fool yourself into thinking you didn't cut deep enough into your husband that he doesn't have some inner turmoil about what you did from time to time. He just won't show it. forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. The dynamics of a relationship are effected by both people. I'm not blaming the BS -- although you will say I am -- but I do think there is a responsibility in a relationship for both participants to maintain a level of intimacy and open communication. then why didn't your husband cheat? whether you want to believe it or not, you are blaming communication on your cheating...specifically HIS alleged inability to communicate. yes yes yes, you are now saying that the BOTH of you have communications problems.....yet you are the one that cheated. if it were an excuse, he would have as well. Hell, I even think in a relationship that has intimacy, it's possible an affair could happen. well with an attitude like that, your husband and you could have all the intimacy in the world, and given the perfect opportunity, you would backslide again. With an attitude like that, I think your husband is going to be fighting a losing battle. Life events scar people sometimes, or weaken their defenses on the contrary, with most, it strengthens their defenses. It could be something monumental or it could be things that build up over time. It could quite possibly also have mostly to do with something missing in the person having the affair. As I've said earlier in this thread, I wish I had the integrity to have not had the affair -- but obviously, at that point in my life, I made the wrong decision. I'm a good person that did a bad thing. It happens. it happens? well then it can "happen" again if it just "happens". I listed reasons why we've developed poor communication patterns and clearly stated when intimacy in a marriage becomes secondary or is non-existent it may cause the marriage to be on shaky ground and one or both partners may end up vulnerable. I also stated reasons why I was feeling vulnerable and included a lot of things that were going on during the year that made me feel sad and lonely -- if I recall correctly, these things -- house renovations, daughter getting married and moving out, son heading to college and the prospect of being an empty nester -- had nothing to do with pointing blame at my husband. you can list all those reasons you want, but there were those that you DID blame your husband with. but dayum!!! home renovations, daughter getting married, a son going to college is a reason to cheat??? I can't believe you list those as reasons. Because to me that says, it doesn't take much for you to make a crappy decision to do something like cheat. I sure hope the transmission doesn't go out in your car. I never said things my husband did or didn't do caused me to have an affair. you cited his inability to communicate. Its like saying, "i don't blame my husband, BUT......."
Author Samantha0905 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 (edited) Good morning and happy Friday to all! So, before I go back to respond (or not) to replies here, I wanted to share this email I received from the Mort Fertel program this morning -- and no, I haven't bought it and am not paid to promote purchasing of the program. I just thought this particular email spoke to me in many ways: It's well known that 50% of FIRST marriages end in divorce. Do you know what percent of SECOND marriages end in divorce? It should be LESS than 50%, right? After all, who would make those same painful mistakes again? People marrying a second time have the "benefit" of knowing what kind of person to pick this time, right? (Sam), the divorce rate for SECOND marriages is 70%! And THIRD marriages; closer to 80%! "Mort, you mean my chances get worse not better?" That's right. Because the key to succeeding in marriage is NOT finding the right person; it's YOU becoming the right person. We'll get back to that point in a moment. (Sam), did you know that women who finally get out of abusive relationships usually fall in love with another abusive man? What bad luck, right? It's not luck. Did you know that men whose first wives cheated on them usually get cheated on by their second wife too? How could that be? You'd think that after suffering the torment of infidelity a man would only marry a woman with impeccable morals and unwavering commitment. You'd think...but it doesn't work that way. (Sam), listen to this story. It'll pull all the pieces together for you. A man once came to a town and asked the local sage, "I'm thinking about moving here. What kinds of people live here?" The sage asked the man, "What kinds of people live in the town you came from?" "Where I'm from the people are liars, cheaters, and mean spirited," the man responded. "The people are the same here," said the sage. Then another man came to town and asked the sage the same question, "I'm thinking about moving here. What kinds of people live here?" The sage asked the man, "What kinds of people live in the town you came from?" "Where I'm from the people are wonderful, kind, and courteous," the man responded. "The people are the same here," said the sage. You see (Sam), people are not as you see them; people are as YOU are. What do you get when you smile at someone? You get a smile back. (This is from Sam -- just as an aside, I've always found this to be true and have some crow's feet to prove it.) And if you stare at someone? You get a stare back. What you get is what you are. (Sam), we're NOT an objective observer of the people in our life; we're a subjective influence. In other words, our presence changes what we observe. Let me give you a simple example. Let's say you wanted to measure the temperature in a small room. So you bring a thermometer into the room and wait for a reading. But since your body temperature is 98.6 degrees, the fact that you're in the room changes the reading you get. As long as you're there, things are different. It works the same in your marriage. Your relationship is not simply a function of who you pick; it's also a function of who you are. Who you are and who your spouse is mixes to form the dynamics of your relationship. I know you want your spouse to change. And YES your marriage would be better if they did. But YOU changing can change things just as well. Now (Sam), please listen carefully and please don't misunderstand my point. I'm NOT saying that everything is your fault. If your spouse receives my emails, then they're reading the same message directed to THEM. It's no ones fault; but it's everyone's RESPONSIBILITY. In other words, BOTH you and your spouse contribute to the dynamics in your relationship, whatever they are, and BOTH you and your spouse can single-handedly change them. No matter what your spouse did to cause your marriage to deteriorate, they're responsible. And they should change. But you played a role too. I know that's hard to hear. It's a bitter pill to swallow. But once you swallow it, you're no longer a helpless victim; you become empowered to change circumstances that seemed out of your control. It's easy to confess your spouse's sins. And you're probably correct about what your spouse needs to change. But it does no good to be right. And it's a complete waste of time and energy to focus on your spouse's problems. There's nothing you can do about it. Your spouse will change only when they're ready to change. The only relevant question for you is: What are YOU fixing? You had a role in the deterioration of your marriage. I've never seen a marital situation caused by one spouse. There's always dual responsibility. What can YOU do to improve the situation? Reflect on your past relationships. Do you see a pattern? Look at your parent's marriage. Are you recreating the model you saw when you were a child? (Sam: Absolutely not! They were so happy and I have such happy memories of them. Thank you mother and father!) Have you explored with a professional the childhood roots of your relationship habits and how they contributed to your marital circumstances? Even if your spouse had an affair, you're partly responsible. That doesn't mean that it's your fault and it doesn't excuse your spouse's inappropriate behavior, but the question still remains: What was your spouse seeking outside your marriage that was not available within it? (Sam here -- I just hi-lighted that to point it out to some.... my focus is on correcting the issues that made me feel a void. Some think the only way to do this is to confess the affair. I don't. I think focusing and working on eliminating the real problems is more productive to a happier future together. I think this can be achieved by working on issues that caused the dissatisfaction and on my own personal character issues that resulted in making a bad choice.) Sam, don't just sit there sulking in the misery of your situation while you wait for your spouse to change or for God to perform a miracle. (Sam: ha,ha I've been guilty of that one to be sure! At least I've never prayed for a Porsche Carrera GT! ha,ha) If you want your situation to change, then change it! Do YOUR part. Because if YOU change, then everything around you changes too. Now there is one more important point. You might be thinking, "Mort, I have changed. But my situation has not." (Sam), change itself is not good enough. You've got to make the right changes. Like a scientist, you have to know EXACTLY what changes to make to get the outcome you're looking for. I eliminated the rest of the email as it simply talks about the next email I will be receiving and then pitches the program M. Fortel is selling. Anyway, that spoke to me in many ways and I hope will be beneficial to some of you who read it. Edited November 13, 2009 by Samantha0905
boldjack Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Lessee, who do I trust? Myself and my own experiences or somebody named Mort Fertel, who I don't know from Adam. I think I'll go with myself, because I KNOW I'm honest, I know nothing about this Mort Dude, except what he wants me to know. Although I REALLY think that all of the cheaters should listen to the CD's and buy the books of these relationship Gurus. It's good for the economy.
Author Samantha0905 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 Samantha, It is your decision to tell or not to tell of course. True. You state that telling will only hurt your spouse. Yes it will hurt him if you tell. It will hurt him more if he happens to find out by some one other than you. No matter 10 days,10 months or 10 years down the road, the pain will be like you just did it the night before to him. If he finds out, I suppose you're correct. I hope he does not and I'm not going to pre-worry. It is also stated in "that camp" that telling is a selfish act to alleviate the betrayer of their guilt. How absurd. The betrayer will always feel guilt whether they confess or not. Not confessing allows compartmentalization. You can put the wrong doing away in a box in your mind. You will subconciously guard this box in your mind and it will be an area your husband cannot be privy to. Thus making it impossible to be truly open and honest with him. I'm not overwhelmed with guilt. I feel sadness for my actions. I've been forgiven and to tell you the truth, my main focus is on a happier future together for both of us. I don't buy into the betrayer ALWAYS feeling guilt. That thinking is a futile attempt to take a lot of power/Grace away from God. I smiled at your imagery of me subconsciously guarding this compartmentalized box in my head. Hmmmm. I don't why, but it made me think of She-Ra. I believe in healthy communication with my spouse, but I know a lot of people keep saying 100% honesty/openness MUST occur or it's not a happy relationship. I, however, reserve the right for both myself and my husband to have some parts of our innermost selves that are just for us and between us and God. There will be times that your conversations will be about infidelity and you will make your comments of this and that. He will remember those comments if the truth comes out. He will remember everything you said and how he was mislead. That's only if he finds out Yes. Again, not pre-worrying. Yes you can move forward but it will be weighed down. Weighed down because you know the truth. and the Truth is perfectly capable of setting me free and has. From your posts I can deduct that you are very intelligent, able to recant and counter posts that do not go along with your thinking or reasoning also with a hint of sarcasm and wit. But you are not invincible and your affair is not unique. This has happened millions of times. I know...lots of people have not confessed and I cannot say how their marriages are at this point. Well, thank you. I appreciate that as I just asked a friend yesterday, "Why is it I only know the answers when it's Teen Jeopardy?" I am certainly not invincible, but I brought up She-Ra because I like her attitude. Again, an attempt at wit there -- but really. I don't think my affair is the death knell of our love/my 33 year relationship with my husband and I'll do my best to fight to make sure it isn't. I also know an affair is not a unique situation and it IS amazing how many similarities there are when you read the accounts on this board. It's basically a pretty sad situation for one and, most times, all involved. Perhaps some of the ones who chose not to confess have worked through their issues and have a very loving marriage now? Just a thought. However I do know of the ones who held it in for years and got found out. I even know of a story where a woman had gotten cancer and was an avid church goer. She would have surgery, it would go in remission and come back. She said G_d told her to confess her affair to her husband, the affair she had 20 years ago, or the cancer would continue to come back until she died if she didn't confess. She confessed it to her husband. Was he hurt? of course he was. Still is, but he knows the the truth and can make a decision to stay or go. He is staying and working it out currently. Cancer still in remission. I'm glad that's working out for them so far. I truly am. By not confessing you rob your husband of a decision to stay or go in a relationship in which he was wronged morally and disrespected. You are actually "fooling" him to stay with you. It goes for a man as well as a woman. Perhaps it's a decision he doesn't mind being robbed of making or a heartache he'd rather not bear if the marriage lasts through us being grandparents, etc. As I've said, we have discussed it before and each said we'd rather not know, if the mistake was realized and the sinning spouse decided to stay in the marriage. I can HONESTLY say, I would not want to know if the tables were turned. You can find many reasons to support not telling and many reasons to support telling, but at the end of it all it comes down to you and your relationship to your husband. One with a hideous skeleton in the closet or one with openness at least on your end. I'm not judging or even trying to bash you, just stating things I have learned There it is again. There's no hideous skeleton in my closet. I know you're not judging. I enjoyed your post. I'm sharing my thoughts in return.
Author Samantha0905 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 Sam healing begins with honesty, total honesty. So far, you haven't been totally honest with your husband. Maybe it's just me, but I can't see how you can totally heal, thus heal your marriage, with you carrying this burden. If you think you can bury this and it will just go away, please don't fool yourself. I agree and I confessed my sins to God in total honesty. He forgave me and I'm moving forward working towards an open and honest relationship with my husband. I've addressed the burden issue.
Author Samantha0905 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 I think OP,that I was wrong. I thought that your lack of an honest heart was your most unpleasant feature.. But I was wrong, so wrong. What bothers me as much or more is your almost complete delusion about what constitutes love and respect. But this is to be expected from a totally selfish person. (BTW your list of reasons not to tell is among the biggest loads of escapist crap. that I have ever read). You won't tell him, for you, not for him, at least try to be honest about that.. You have already developed a martyr complex, Talking about "the scarlett letter", and about "self-branding", how you are saved by Grace, (have you ever spoken to a clergyman, about your lying?). By God, you sound like Joan of Arc. The next thing you will be talking about is that you are washed with the blood of the Lamb. All because you are scared to admit to your husband, that you were unsatisfied, and wanted to get laid by another man. Sam, Look at all of the excuses you are fabricating. Re-read your own posts with the eyes of another. You are living in a self-made dream world. Poor Sam Poor angry jack? Oh, and if you want to discuss my personal religious beliefs -- yes, thank goodness!! I am washed in the blood of the Lamb. In fact, I believe God has a lot to do with why spirit is being uplifted and I'm starting to feel better.
boldjack Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Thankfully , the last thing. You can't build honesty on a lie, no matter how many CD's, e-mails and excuses you give. And I'm not angry. I sincerely pity you and your poor husband. Bye.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Perhaps it's a decision he doesn't mind being robbed of making or a heartache he'd rather not bear if the marriage lasts through us being grandparents, etc. well congratulations!!! you got away with it!!! That must make you very happy. hopefully you will be able to get away with it...when you do it again.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 Oh, and if you want to discuss my personal religious beliefs -- yes, thank goodness!! I am washed in the blood of the Lamb. In fact, I believe God has a lot to do with why spirit is being uplifted and I'm starting to feel better. a cheater claiming to be religious is like a pouring perfume on a pig.
Author Samantha0905 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 In my opinion, this is a recipe for disaster. You stepped out of your marriage because your needs were not met. The balance was disturbed. There should be a healthy give and take in a relationship. You gave more than you received and it broke at a certain moment, hence the affair. Now you are still not getting what you want but you will give and give and give again. In the hope that you will get back. Which will probably not happen because your H does not get it. He does not get how unsatisfied you are. I've considered that possibility. A lot. However, if we do address the problems that led to the voids -- and I think we both have felt some voids -- then, hopefully, things will improve for the better. I'm hoping we both do work on communication and intimacy and things do get better. We're talking about it and making improvements. I'm looking forward to a nice weekend with him this weekend. Next, weekend we're going away -- just us -- and I'm sure we'll talk some more. Then, it's Thanksgiving -- I'm home all the time again -- and I do feel like things will improve. I refuse to stay in this rut any longer. I would throw all the cards on the table. Tell him about the affair, tell him how alive it made you feel, tell him you need passion. Then it is up to him to learn from that and to change, or remain stuck in his old ways. What will happen now is that you will continue to struggle... Yes, it might be better for a while but you will never have the big change you really want. And before you know it you will be together for 38 years in the same not totally unhappy but definitely not 100% marriage. I find it so contradictory that you talk about how much love there is between the two of you yet you complain about a lack of passion and communication. Don't know but are these things not vital for a loving relationship? OK, I have never been married but I read so often here that people are bored, that is has all become routine. Why should this be necessary unavoidable when you have been married for many years? I think that if people are really compatible, that they truly enjoy each other's company and that this remains the case after many years... I'm choosing not to tell him (repeated ad nauseum to many, I"m sure). Well, those are nice thoughts about marriage. I think there's an ebb and flow to how well people communicate and enjoy each others company throughout a long-term relationship. This, many times, could just be related to circumstances at the moment. I'm not saying there shouldn't always be a connection of sorts, but to expect 100% compatibility throughout a long-term marriage is unrealistic.
Author Samantha0905 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 Thankfully , the last thing. You can't build honesty on a lie, no matter how many CD's, e-mails and excuses you give. And I'm not angry. I sincerely pity you and your poor husband. Bye. I'm a little wary of the PM notification and I sure hope it isn't you!
Author Samantha0905 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 a cheater claiming to be religious is like a pouring perfume on a pig. If you're going to question my faith, all I can give back to you is my belief and so...... Question: "Does God forgive big sins? Will God forgive a murderer?" Answer: Many people make the mistake of believing that God forgives “little” sins such as lying, anger, and impure thoughts, but does not forgive “big” sins such as murder and adultery. This is not true. There is no sin too big that God cannot forgive it. When Jesus died on the cross, He died to pay the penalty for all of the sins of the entire world (1 John 2:2). When a person places his faith in Jesus Christ for salvation, all of his sins are forgiven. That includes past, present, and future, big or small. Jesus died to pay the penalty for all of our sins, and once they are forgiven, they are all forgiven (Colossians 1:14; Acts 10:43). We are all guilty of sin (Romans 3:23) and deserve eternal punishment (Romans 6:23). Jesus died for us, to pay our penalty (Romans 5:8). Anyone who believes in Jesus Christ for salvation is forgiven, no matter what sins he has committed (Romans 6:23; John 3:16). Now, a murderer or adulterer will likely still face serious consequences (legal, relational, etc.) for his evil actions – more so than someone who was “just” a liar. But a murderer’s or adulterer’s sins are completely and permanently forgiven the moment he believes and places his faith in Christ. It is not the size of the sin that is the determining factor here; it is the size of the atoning sacrifice of Christ. If the shed blood of the sinless Lamb of God is sufficient to cover all the sins of all the millions of people who would ever believe in Him, then there can be no limit to the size or types of sins covered. When He said, “It is finished,” sin was made an end of, full atonement and satisfaction for it were given, complete pardon was obtained, peace was made, and redemption from all sin was achieved. It was sure and certain and complete; nothing needs to be, or could be, added to it. Further, it was done entirely without the help of man, and cannot be undone.Thanks for your input though! And as a side note to my "internet friend" on here who is Jewish, I believe the Jews are God's chosen people. Not that you asked. I look forward to seeing you in heaven one day!!
Author Samantha0905 Posted November 13, 2009 Author Posted November 13, 2009 I'm a little wary of the PM notification and I sure hope it isn't you! Okay -- I take that back -- that was a productive exchange and too bad it isn't posted -- both what you said and my response -- out here to be beneficial to others.
boldjack Posted November 13, 2009 Posted November 13, 2009 What Dex, it doesn't smell any better and annoys the pig?
Recommended Posts