Developing intimacy and passion......

[mem11363]

You are focused on your marriage. You are discouraging your ex-AP in a humane way. I think your kindness to him is a good thing up to a point. If he is still contacting you past some cutoff date I think you do need to block him. At a certain point he is being disrespectful of your wishes if he keeps reaching out.

 

I think it is wrong of your husband to not want to engage with you in a way that could lead to conflict. I have watched you navigate this thread very skillfully. You have a strong view - yet you really listen - and you engage. He should want that with you.

 

Why is the range of mental/emotional interaction with your husband so limited? It doesn't make sense to me why he does not choose to interact with you the way your friends - and other family members do.

 

 

 

 

I don't know. It's weird. It seems I have spirited discussions with everyone but him. He does not like it and sees it as a personal attack from me. I was talking to one of my best friends today and she said she didn't get it because she thinks I'm so easy to talk to -- even when we have differing opinions because I'm respectful of her feelings and really listen to what she is saying. Beats me. I like varying opinions. My son and I go at it sometimes and we both seem to enjoy it! I like to hear what people have on their mind even if it isn't the same way I think about something. We all have a brain/heart and think what we think.

 

The last time I talked to my ex-AP was when he called me and I think I mentioned it in this thread. Sometime in early November? We had broken it off already and I don't remember the exact date. Maybe that's more of my avoidance stuff. I don't remember dates of bad/emotional stuff. I don't hang onto it. I don't remember the exact date my mother, father or brother died -- but my sister could tell you exactly. I remember their birthdays.

 

Anyway, I've been out of town for about a week and he had not contacted me here until late last night - by text only, so maybe you're psychic. It stressed me because I hadn't heard from him since that last earlier phone conversation. He normally had contacted me several times daily, so I figured this time it took and I felt that was for the best. He said he loved me, missed me, was having a weak moment and asked how I was doing. I told him my husband and I were talking and working on things and I did not in any way want to lead him on and wanted to give him (ex-AP) respect so I was not contacting him in any way. He said he felt like he was waiting for me to choose and I told him not to because I was working on my marriage and again reiterated I was moving back home. I told him to date and move on and he deserved someone who could give themself to him 100%. He went on about how much he loved me and to think of our emotional connection. It made me sad and stressed and guilty (all of which are par for the course I suppose) and I wish he hadn't sent me a text.

 

For what it's worth, although I've missed him in a lot of ways -- the text was not wanted. I have felt relieved to be working on my marriage and moving away from the affair. It sounds cold, but I have felt that way. It has even surprised me because I felt so emotionally attached to my ex-AP in many ways and I haven't exactly made leaps and bounds in that direction with my husband yet -- but I want to.

 

I hope my ex-AP moves on. If not, I know there is some way I can block him from texting or calling. I just don't want to have to. I want him to move on and feel intact. After we talked on the phone that last time, I told him I would rather him de-friend me on FB. He did. I thought by doing that, it gave him the dignity of performing the act. I know that sounds juvenile since it's a social website and all, but I don't want to cause any more damage than I already have.

 

I don't know what else to say. I'm emotionally exhausted and before anyone jumps on me for it -- I'm not asking for or even feel like I deserve sympathy.

[boldjack]

MEM, the husband of this OP is completely in the dark about the depth of his wife's betrayal. It is manifestly unfair for any of us to berate him, because he can't see the urgency of and need to make wholesale changes in his attitude. If the OP had told the truth, he would have a far better notion of what he must do and how. Right now, he is blindfolded, being lead around by a cheater. He deserves no criticism, whatsoever. It's really too bad, that the OP won't treat her husband with the same honesty and consideration that she reserves for her AP. It's just another example of her deceit.

[Samantha0905]

You are focused on your marriage. You are discouraging your ex-AP in a humane way. I think your kindness to him is a good thing up to a point. If he is still contacting you past some cutoff date I think you do need to block him. At a certain point he is being disrespectful of your wishes if he keeps reaching out.

 

I think it is wrong of your husband to not want to engage with you in a way that could lead to conflict. I have watched you navigate this thread very skillfully. You have a strong view - yet you really listen - and you engage. He should want that with you.

 

Why is the range of mental/emotional interaction with your husband so limited? It doesn't make sense to me why he does not choose to interact with you the way your friends - and other family members do.

 

I don't know. I think we just grew up in different situations. There were so many of us (14 children) and my parents were great parents, says their loving daughter. We were poor. Very. I didn't even notice until I was an adult because we were happy. I guess there were so many of us they had to -- or needed us -- to take care of ourselves sooner and speak up, if that's makes sense? We definitely had no lack of someone with whom to communicate something.

 

In my husband's family, his mom cooked, cleaned and took care of all of those types of needs. His dad, went to work and provided. I guess that happened in my family too, but we weren't as prim and proper. There were too many of us to bother completely with that, although we were good kids. They were pretty strict Southern Baptists and decently well off. There was a a real distinction in his family between what women "should" do and what men "should" do.

 

I know when we were in our first 10 to 15 years of marriage his mom was always trying to get the women to go into one room to speak and leave the men to themselves after Sunday dinner -- like they should be separate and have separate interests. I was usually watching football and thinking, "What? I'm not going into another room!"

 

His dad said a lot of times later, he wished he had spent more time with his children. I remember my dad teaching me to paint, play "Fur Elise" on the piano, about literature, etc. He was self-employed and had more time at home. He was intelligent -- knew several languages, played several instruments by ear, and was a commercial artist. I have some of his paintings. I have none of that talent. Damn. My son and daughter do. Yay. He asked me a lot of times when I asked him stuff, "What do you think, honey?" I miss that. However, I think he always wished he'd been more successful in other acceptable (societal) ways.

 

My husband's dad was very smart also. Business smart. WWII vet. Engineering major. Started a successful business. Did prison ministry work, lay pastor speaking, had a home for unmarried mothers, etc. He was/is a good man. He had a lot of outside support and people looking up to him, much like my husband. He liked being in control. I think we all do in some ways.

 

My husband's mom is the extra strict one. She's a good woman, but she is very hush hush. There are a lot of things she does not think it's appropriate to talk about. But she's a good woman, so I don't want to paint her in a negative way. She's just very strict in her thinking. My husband's sister was anorexic and still has issues in her 40s. There were some control issues going on.

 

Funny story: We were at the dinner table one night and my husband's mom was going on about a couple at the church who had marital problems. She said they had been participating in some bad things like "oral sex" (which she whispered.) My sister-in-law was kicking my shins under the table and I was trying not to laugh and mortified she thought married couples could not do that activity. But anyway -- you get the "Pleasantville" picture?

 

We both grew up in very different situations. I don't mean one was better than the other. In my family, we spoke up. As the youngest, I felt unheard a lot, but we didn't feel like we shouldn't say what we thought. There were just a lot of my siblings that had other stuff to do than listen to me. I'm sure some of them would report the same thing about their life experience and trying to communicate in our family. LOL

 

In my husband's family, a lot of things weren't "appropriate" to be talked about. His mom "shushed" them a lot. Even as an adult one time (like late 30s or 40), my husband said "butt" at the dinner table and she corrected him. Gotta love her.

 

In my family, we used to label things in the refrigerator that said, "Touch this and you die." His sister did his and his brothers' biddings. "Get me tea!" -- and she did. I won't go into what would have been said or hand signaled if my brothers hollered, "Get me tea." to us when we were middle and high school ages. Different family dynamics. :-D It's not that at this point in life, I don't offer to get my guests tea....... ha,ha

 

I don't know of any other reason why my husband may be limited in emotional and communicative areas, other than his upbringing and later life responsibilities. I'm probably limited for some of the same reasons -- but only with him and he's the one with whom I'd like to communicate most.

 

When I was in my early 30's and we were getting marriage counseling after being married 10 years, I remember one of the "bad" things I had done was get a hibiscus tattooed by my belly button. I love to garden and that was/is my favorite flower. Another one of my "moments." It was probably my first breakdown point after being told I had to go to church every Sunday, couldn't drink wine in a restaurant, was dressed inappropriately (by his mom), etc. Anyway, I felt more comfortable showing it to my children first after having gone to have it done without telling my husband. My son said, "Whoa! Have you shown dad??!!" He was five years old and understood the implications.

 

Later, when we were getting counseling, my husband expressed how he hated I did that without asking him. He didn't speak to me much at all for two weeks after the fact. I asked him what he would have said if I told him I wanted to get a tattoo in advance and he said he would have said, "Absolutely not." So, there you have it. :-D I went for it anyway.

 

Makes me think of "Cool Hand Luke."

 

 

Okay, I'll stop now as I'm getting punchy.

Edited November 10, 2009 by Samantha0905

[boldjack]

Yep, it's all the mean old repressive husband's fault.:rolleyes:

[Samantha0905]

Yep, it's all the mean old repressive husband's fault.:rolleyes:

 

blah, blah, blah. How far up that gum tree are you? Unstick yourself!! I call what you have going on a corncob up your butt.

 

having a corncob up one's butt (I cleaned that up a bit. )

 

1. Inf. to be very stiff. (Use with caution.) How come you're acting so high-and-mighty with me? Do you have a corncob up your a$$? He was a terrible actor, stiff and wooden. He looked like he had a poker up his a$$.

 

2. Inf. to be very touchy or irritable. Wow! Old Mr. Webster really has a corncob up his a$$ this morning. Watch out! Tom has a poker up his a$$ and he's looking for you. Better make yourself scarce.

[boldjack]

I would rather have a corncob up my a$$, than a cheater, in my bed. Besides, it's my birthday, and I can say anything I want, so neener, neener, neener, to you too.:p

[Samantha0905]

I would rather have a corncob up my a$$, than a cheater, in my bed. Besides, it's my birthday, and I can say anything I want, so neener, neener, neener, to you too.:p

 

Happy Birthday!! Many more to you!!

[boldjack]

Samantha...........,sometimes it makes me sad, that I can't be friends with you. I think we could have some very nice talks. Too bad!!

[boldjack]

....... thank you........good night to you.

[mem11363]

I love cool hand luke - great movie.

 

Your husband chose to marry a strong willed, independent person. I am starting to think we are genetically hardwired to want strong mates.

 

The tatoo story is hilarious - the fact your 5 year old knew how his father would react says it all.

 

Now that I think back - my parents did the gender segregation thing about half the time, the other half it was fully blended conversation.

 

I have no background in therapy, I will say if your man is sticking to the interaction pattern he observed growing up, he is missing out on a whole world of fun with you.

 

I am going to tell you a verbatim true story about why I married my wife.

 

What made me think of it was the idea of having someone bring you tea on command. My wife was brought up catholic, I was raised jewish. She and I had been together a few months, physically it was incredible and she was smart and sassy and spirited - still is.

 

We visited her oldest sisters family - devout Catholics. My wife looked up to her oldest sister in a lot of ways. They are a super devout family where the husband, her brother in law ruled with an iron fist and her mother was completely obedient. Funny thing, her sisters family has the same view on how things like oral sex are a sign that satan is alive and well. Luckily some views don't run in families .

 

Watching her older sister behave in such a deferential way to her husband was quite a surprise to me as this was such a huge contrast to the way my wife (at the time my girlfriend) behaved. She is very polite, but subservient to no one.

 

We were driving home and I looked over and asked her innocently. "When are you going to start acting like a good subservient Christian wife?"

Her reply: "Soon as you convert to catholicism jewboy."

 

 

 

I don't know. I think we just grew up in different situations. There were so many of us (14 children) and my parents were great parents, says their loving daughter. We were poor. Very. I didn't even notice until I was an adult because we were happy. I guess there were so many of us they had to -- or needed us -- to take care of ourselves sooner and speak up, if that's makes sense? We definitely had no lack of someone with whom to communicate something.

 

In my husband's family, his mom cooked, cleaned and took care of all of those types of needs. His dad, went to work and provided. I guess that happened in my family too, but we weren't as prim and proper. There were too many of us to bother completely with that, although we were good kids. They were pretty strict Southern Baptists and decently well off. There was a a real distinction in his family between what women "should" do and what men "should" do.

 

I know when we were in our first 10 to 15 years of marriage his mom was always trying to get the women to go into one room to speak and leave the men to themselves after Sunday dinner -- like they should be separate and have separate interests. I was usually watching football and thinking, "What? I'm not going into another room!"

 

His dad said a lot of times later, he wished he had spent more time with his children. I remember my dad teaching me to paint, play "Fur Elise" on the piano, about literature, etc. He was self-employed and had more time at home. He was intelligent -- knew several languages, played several instruments by ear, and was a commercial artist. I have some of his paintings. I have none of that talent. Damn. My son and daughter do. Yay. He asked me a lot of times when I asked him stuff, "What do you think, honey?" I miss that. However, I think he always wished he'd been more successful in other acceptable (societal) ways.

 

My husband's dad was very smart also. Business smart. WWII vet. Engineering major. Started a successful business. Did prison ministry work, lay pastor speaking, had a home for unmarried mothers, etc. He was/is a good man. He had a lot of outside support and people looking up to him, much like my husband. He liked being in control. I think we all do in some ways.

 

My husband's mom is the extra strict one. She's a good woman, but she is very hush hush. There are a lot of things she does not think it's appropriate to talk about. But she's a good woman, so I don't want to paint her in a negative way. She's just very strict in her thinking. My husband's sister was anorexic and still has issues in her 40s. There were some control issues going on.

 

Funny story: We were at the dinner table one night and my husband's mom was going on about a couple at the church who had marital problems. She said they had been participating in some bad things like "oral sex" (which she whispered.) My sister-in-law was kicking my shins under the table and I was trying not to laugh and mortified she thought married couples could not do that activity. But anyway -- you get the "Pleasantville" picture?

 

We both grew up in very different situations. I don't mean one was better than the other. In my family, we spoke up. As the youngest, I felt unheard a lot, but we didn't feel like we shouldn't say what we thought. There were just a lot of my siblings that had other stuff to do than listen to me. I'm sure some of them would report the same thing about their life experience and trying to communicate in our family. LOL

 

In my husband's family, a lot of things weren't "appropriate" to be talked about. His mom "shushed" them a lot. Even as an adult one time (like late 30s or 40), my husband said "butt" at the dinner table and she corrected him. Gotta love her.

 

In my family, we used to label things in the refrigerator that said, "Touch this and you die." His sister did his and his brothers' biddings. "Get me tea!" -- and she did. I won't go into what would have been said or hand signaled if my brothers hollered, "Get me tea." to us when we were middle and high school ages. Different family dynamics. :-D It's not that at this point in life, I don't offer to get my guests tea....... ha,ha

 

I don't know of any other reason why my husband may be limited in emotional and communicative areas, other than his upbringing and later life responsibilities. I'm probably limited for some of the same reasons -- but only with him and he's the one with whom I'd like to communicate most.

 

When I was in my early 30's and we were getting marriage counseling after being married 10 years, I remember one of the "bad" things I had done was get a hibiscus tattooed by my belly button. I love to garden and that was/is my favorite flower. Another one of my "moments." It was probably my first breakdown point after being told I had to go to church every Sunday, couldn't drink wine in a restaurant, was dressed inappropriately (by his mom), etc. Anyway, I felt more comfortable showing it to my children first after having gone to have it done without telling my husband. My son said, "Whoa! Have you shown dad??!!" He was five years old and understood the implications.

 

Later, when we were getting counseling, my husband expressed how he hated I did that without asking him. He didn't speak to me much at all for two weeks after the fact. I asked him what he would have said if I told him I wanted to get a tattoo in advance and he said he would have said, "Absolutely not." So, there you have it. :-D I went for it anyway.

 

Makes me think of "Cool Hand Luke."

 

 

Okay, I'll stop now as I'm getting punchy.

[Samantha0905]

I love cool hand luke - great movie.

 

Your husband chose to marry a strong willed, independent person. I am starting to think we are genetically hardwired to want strong mates.

 

The tatoo story is hilarious - the fact your 5 year old knew how his father would react says it all.

 

Now that I think back - my parents did the gender segregation thing about half the time, the other half it was fully blended conversation.

 

I have no background in therapy, I will say if your man is sticking to the interaction pattern he observed growing up, he is missing out on a whole world of fun with you.

 

I am going to tell you a verbatim true story about why I married my wife.

 

What made me think of it was the idea of having someone bring you tea on command. My wife was brought up catholic, I was raised jewish. She and I had been together a few months, physically it was incredible and she was smart and sassy and spirited - still is.

 

We visited her oldest sisters family - devout Catholics. My wife looked up to her oldest sister in a lot of ways. They are a super devout family where the husband, her brother in law ruled with an iron fist and her mother was completely obedient. Funny thing, her sisters family has the same view on how things like oral sex are a sign that satan is alive and well. Luckily some views don't run in families .

 

Watching her older sister behave in such a deferential way to her husband was quite a surprise to me as this was such a huge contrast to the way my wife (at the time my girlfriend) behaved. She is very polite, but subservient to no one.

 

We were driving home and I looked over and asked her innocently. "When are you going to start acting like a good subservient Christian wife?"

Her reply: "Soon as you convert to catholicism jewboy."

 

LOLOL That story's hilarious! Well, I'm glad your wife has a sense of self and it sounds like the two of you have a nice sense of humor with each other.

 

I still remember my son's face when he saw the tattoo for the first time. He was so funny. He's artistic and has one himself now. Even my very preppy/sorority girl daughter put one on the back of her neck under her hair recently. I'm sure I've probably been a bad influence on my children in some way. My hubby says they both act just like me. I know they're responsible, independent, have good hearts toward others, like to laugh and seem to be enjoying life -- so it's all good!

 

It's funny -- when my husband and I met in our early teens he was more the "wild" one -- had long hair which was so curly, it was more or less an afro, caused a bit of a stir and loved to go to high school parties. He really calmed that down a lot when responsibility came knocking, and that's a good thing. I just wish he had kept a bit of it.

 

Oh well. We're working on it and things are feeling better. Hopefully, the next couple of weekends, then Thanksgiving, will all go well -- along with the moving back process.

 

Thanks for listening and responding!

 

Oh - and Paul Newman is my favorite actor ever. I love him. I was sad when he passed away!

[Dexter Morgan]

We do have a "marriage" so there's no need to put the word in quotations. You don't know me and I haven't negated 28 years of marriage.

 

yes....you have. or was it enhancing your marriage with what you did?

 

 

 

I've openly stated the affair was a mistake, so I'm not using anything my husband has done as an excuse for making such a colossal mistake.

 

yes....you are. otherwise, why mention it. its always someone saying, "i cheated....BUT":o

 

 

 

He's changed a lot and would never say anything like that now, although he does say he would have preferred to have never gone to counseling and he has said a few negative things about the counselor in general as time went on. I'm pretty sure he resented the counseling experience.

 

why? did the counselor blame him?

 

 

In any event, I'm going to try my best to focus on establishing communication with my husband. I do think we need to at least discuss why I left.

 

and why did you leave and have an affair?

[Samantha0905]

yes....you have. or was it enhancing your marriage with what you did?

 

Hi Dexter! That's silly. No, I was not enhancing my marriage -- and if you bother to read the thread, you will see where I have addressed that issue. I certainly didn't negate 28 years (33 counting dating) of a loving relationship, raising our beautiful children, etc. Not at all. We've shared some wonderful years -- both together and with our children -- and, hopefully, we will share many more. I just ordered our family Christmas jammies. It's one of the nice traditions we have enjoyed together for the last 20 years or so.

 

 

 

 

 

yes....you are. otherwise, why mention it. its always someone saying, "i cheated....BUT":o

Ummmm, no I'm not.

 

 

 

 

 

why? did the counselor blame him?

No, he just didn't like the outside input I suppose. You'd have to ask him. I think statistics show more men than women are reluctant to go to counselors. I imagine it's even more true for men who are used to being in control and who have communication issues because he has to relinquish some of that control and open up a bit.

 

 

and why did you leave and have an affair?

Are you asking me, because I've addressed that.....

 

Or are you suggesting that as something you think my husband and I should discuss, because I've addressed that in this thread also........

 

Thanks for your input!

[Dexter Morgan]

Hi Dexter! That's silly. No, I was not enhancing my marriage -- and if you bother to read the thread, you will see where I have addressed that issue. I certainly didn't negate 28 years (33 counting dating) of a loving relationship, raising our beautiful children, etc. Not at all.

 

well of course YOU will think that. alot of cheaters don't want to admit the real damage they have done.

 

 

Ummmm, no I'm not.

 

 

again, of course YOU don't think so

 

 

 

No, he just didn't like the outside input I suppose. You'd have to ask him. I think statistics show more men than women are reluctant to go to counselors.

 

I wouldn't be opposed to it. But the minute it looks as if I were to be blamed....i'm outta there.

 

 

 

Are you asking me, because I've addressed that.....

 

no, you really haven't. what is your REASON for having an affair?

 

your husband not communicating? you just wanting another man? something different? Or lemme guess...the OM, that doesn't have the baggage of family/married life with you, made you feel alive?

 

Not attracted to husband? bored? you really have not addressed it.

 

you listed excuses of his non-communication....but you say that isn't blaming him.....so what then? why?

 

 

Or are you suggesting that as something you think my husband and I should discuss

 

sure, tell him straight up WHY you had an affair and let him take it from there.

[Samantha0905]

well of course YOU will think that. alot of cheaters don't want to admit the real damage they have done.

 

I've said I made a colossal mistake, sin, etc. I know the affair did not negate 28 years of marriage. It's a shallow view of what love is, in my opinion, if you think an affair means it takes away all shared memories, love, etc. You can say that until the cows come home and I will think you are entirely incorrect. I suppose if you had been there -- shared the tremendous love that is in my family, etc. -- you maybe could have an inkling. I'm not so sure though, because you're dogmatic in your thinking and not open to the possibility I have been forgiven and we still have tremendous love in our family. People mess up -- sometimes badly. I've repented, asked for forgiveness from GOD and am moving forward working towards a happy marriage with much better communication. I'm thankful God has afforded this Grace to me.

 

Some of the responses here make me think of "The Scarlet Letter." I'm partial to "The Last of the Mohicans," but I digress.

 

 

again, of course YOU don't think so

Because I'm allowed to think it. I have a brain. I can reason. You think I'm wrong. I don't agree with you. Isn't freedom great?!

 

I wouldn't be opposed to it. But the minute it looks as if I were to be blamed....i'm outta there.

And judging from your responses, the counselor wouldn't be able to get much out of his/her mouth before you jumped to all sorts of extreme opinions. There's never much to be learned when someone is dogmatic and closed off. The dynamics of a relationship are effected by both people. I'm not blaming the BS -- although you will say I am -- but I do think there is a responsibility in a relationship for both participants to maintain a level of intimacy and open communication.

 

Hell, I even think in a relationship that has intimacy, it's possible an affair could happen. Life events scar people sometimes, or weaken their defenses or whatever. It could be something monumental or it could be things that build up over time. It could quite possibly also have mostly to do with something missing in the person having the affair. As I've said earlier in this thread, I wish I had the integrity to have not had the affair -- but obviously, at that point in my life, I made the wrong decision. I'm a good person that did a bad thing. It happens. I believe in redemption. Bad people can turn themselves around also and do good things. I will pass on branding myself with a permanent "A."

 

no, you really haven't. what is your REASON for having an affair?

 

your husband not communicating? you just wanting another man? something different? Or lemme guess...the OM, that doesn't have the baggage of family/married life with you, made you feel alive?

 

Not attracted to husband? bored? you really have not addressed it.

 

you listed excuses of his non-communication....but you say that isn't blaming him.....so what then? why?

I listed reasons why we've developed poor communication patterns and clearly stated when intimacy in a marriage becomes secondary or is non-existent it may cause the marriage to be on shaky ground and one or both partners may end up vulnerable. I also stated reasons why I was feeling vulnerable and included a lot of things that were going on during the year that made me feel sad and lonely -- if I recall correctly, these things -- house renovations, daughter getting married and moving out, son heading to college and the prospect of being an empty nester -- had nothing to do with pointing blame at my husband.

 

I never said things my husband did or didn't do caused me to have an affair. I stated what has been going on in the marriage and also CLEARLY that I handled it all in a way that lacked integrity -- an affair.

 

sure, tell him straight up WHY you had an affair and let him take it from there.

Now, I know I've addressed this repeatedly. I'm not going to. I don't think it's wise at this point in time. If I ever decide to, I'll be sure to let you and jack know first. I think it's more than likely I will choose to never tell him.

 

I believe I even posted something within this thread that described the arguments behind choosing to tell or not tell.

 

It's not that I'm not saying what I feel. It's just some refuse to hear what I'm saying because they don't agree with what I'm saying. You obviously don't and although I find your points interesting, I do not agree with them. I think I've been pretty open here as to how I'm thinking and feeling.

Edited November 11, 2009 by Samantha0905

[LifesontheUp]

I think I've been pretty open here as to how I'm thinking and feeling.

 

Don't you think you should be doing the above with your husband rather than strangers on a forum? After all, from what I have read from your postings you want to be able to communicate better with him and fix your marriage.

 

Not getting at you, just wanted you to have a little think about it

[Samantha0905]

Don't you think you should be doing the above with your husband rather than strangers on a forum? After all, from what I have read from your postings you want to be able to communicate better with him and fix your marriage.

 

Not getting at you, just wanted you to have a little think about it

 

Oh -- no offense taken! That was the point in all of this -- to seek advice and listen to what others thought. I have started communicating better with my husband and somewhere recently in this novel of a thread -- -- I talked about our first steps in that direction.

 

We're working on it now and I appreciate all the advice I've received here. It really has helped me a lot.

 

I consider this a form of self-therapy. I've always enjoyed writing/journaling my thoughts and it does help to read input here and other threads on this forum. Some have gone through or are going through similar experiences. It's also helpful to read about the varying experiences/feelings of the many BS, OW and OM who post here. It offers a lot of perspective as to the damage caused by affairs all the way around.

 

Thanks.

[lostsunsets]

If telling your husband about your affair meant being able to break down walls that have always been there, and finally having the intimacy you long for (sex and communication).

 

Or not telling him and remaining in the same type of relationship you have always had. Which would you choose? It seems obvious that you are destined to remain in the very dynamic that drove you away.

 

Its not about being sent to hell my friend. Its about living in the one you have both made.

 

Tell him and destroy the wall or keep adding bricks to the ponderous one you already have.

[Samantha0905]

If telling your husband about your affair meant being able to break down walls that have always been there, and finally having the intimacy you long for (sex and communication).

 

Or not telling him and remaining in the same type of relationship you have always had. Which would you choose? It seems obvious that you are destined to remain in the very dynamic that drove you away.

 

Its not about being sent to hell my friend. Its about living in the one you have both made.

 

Tell him and destroy the wall or keep adding bricks to the ponderous one you already have.

 

I'm not worried about going to Hell. I'm saved by Grace.

 

We're not exactly living in Hell either. We're very blessed. We've had some issues in our marriage, but the good does outweigh the bad tremendously.

 

I'm not telling him and I think we can move forward in a happy marriage without that happening. I believe we can improve communication, which in turn will create more intimacy. Thanks.

 

Here's an interesting perspective from a licensed therapist's site on the subject matter:

 

To Tell or Not To Tell

 

There are many who are dealing with this issue. You need to know that if you tell, you have to be prepared to deal with the impact this will have on your spouse. Your marriage will never be the same. It will create a tremendous emotional upheaval you must be prepared to resolve. It will take a long time to repair the damage.

 

You will have to determine how this will affect your spouse.

 

What good will it do for my spouse to know at this point?

Are you helping them or just unburdening yourself?

Tell me, how would that benefit your spouse?

You should be a “fly on the wall” in a therapist’s office. You should be behind the scenes and hear the cries of a broken heart, a person’s world comes tumbling down, the enormous trust issues that are created.

 

You can’t imagine the hurt and pain. It is easy to say when you aren’t in that situation and can make a judgment from your comfort zone, but when your marriage and children’s future are at stake, strong emotions come into play. It isn’t so easy.

 

Dishonesty is not a good thing. But the betrayal has already occurred - you have already been dishonest. Sometimes there is the lesser of 2 evils: There is a time to talk and a time to be quiet.

 

So, even though I appreciate the fact some think a marriage can only move forward successfully by admitting to an affair -- there is also an opposing camp. I agree with the camp who feel it would only serve to hurt my spouse. I know I already have hurt our marriage. I know I've made a horrendous mistake. I'm moving forward trying to improve our relationship with my husband's help. We've been discussing how we can make our marriage more intimate and communicative.

[lostsunsets]

Samantha. I was speaking of a figurative hell. Do you know how many marriages have actually been strengthened by openly admitting the affair? You know your husband better then anyone. If you feel he won't be able to look beyond it, fair enough. Actually I think its more about your pain then his. Why? If sex has always been a problem between you, and he knows you at all, you don't think it has more then crossed his mind? I can guarantee you that it has. So in truth its not about telling him. Its more about lying to him.

[Samantha0905]

Samantha. I was speaking of a figurative hell. Do you know how many marriages have actually been strengthened by openly admitting the affair? You know your husband better then anyone. If you feel he won't be able to look beyond it, fair enough. Actually I think its more about your pain then his. Why? If sex has always been a problem between you, and he knows you at all, you don't think it has more then crossed his mind? I can guarantee you that it has. So in truth its not about telling him. Its more about lying to him.

 

Well, in your sentence you mentioned both the literal and a figurative hell. I was simply addressing both. I won't be going to literal Hell and I'm not experiencing a figurative hell. Hell is a pretty strong term. I don't feel like I'm experiencing something quite that extreme.

 

Anyway, the response wasn't meant to be defensive. It's hard to convey tone when typing on the internet unless there is just obvious rudeness going on.

 

I imagine there are many marriages which have been strengthened by openly admitting the affair. I'm sure the opposite has proven to be the case also in some instances.

 

Of course, it's about not causing him deep emotional pain (at this point) and yes, I would be pained to see that in him -- so I'm avoiding the pain of it also.

 

As for the sex, he seems content with our sex life -- well, up until our separation. He told me he was perfectly happy with our relationship and is 100% in love with me. He said he is only unhappy because there is something that is making me unhappy.

 

I'm not having the affair any longer. As we've chosen to work on our marriage, and have both discussed trying to communicate better and develop more intimacy, that is what we're going to do. I've asked for forgiveness from God and am moving forward. I'm not wallowing in guilt and I don't feel like I'm lying to him anymore. It's how it is going to be handled.

 

I'm open to suggestions as to how to create intimacy and passion in my marriage and I understand the viewpoint of some who think it can't happen without me confessing the affair to my husband. I don't mind at all reading the opinions which are different from my own and try to understand why people feel the way they do.

 

I'm just updating as I go along as to what progress is being made in our marriage or simply posting in this thread how I feel as things go along. I've tried to address in a reasonable manner those who feel differently from how I feel and I've also appreciated the input from others. I know when I started the thread Untouchable Fire was very helpful to me and mem(plus #s) has been very helpful. Those are two that standout to me wihtout having to go back through the thread. I appreciate everyone's advice.

 

Sometimes it helps just to have input and be able to express oneself to work through issues.

Edited November 12, 2009 by Samantha0905

[2sunny]

if i am to be helpful please describe where your head is right now, where your heart is currently and what it would look like if you are to consider what happy in your marriage looks like? maybe we can brainstorm how you can go about achieving this...

 

it might also be helpful to have a current idea of you husband's current demeanor and approach to you in the recent days.

[SoulStorm]

I'm not worried about going to Hell. I'm saved by Grace.

 

We're not exactly living in Hell either. We're very blessed. We've had some issues in our marriage, but the good does outweigh the bad tremendously.

 

I'm not telling him and I think we can move forward in a happy marriage without that happening. I believe we can improve communication, which in turn will create more intimacy. Thanks.

 

Here's an interesting perspective from a licensed therapist's site on the subject matter:

 

 

 

So, even though I appreciate the fact some think a marriage can only move forward successfully by admitting to an affair -- there is also an opposing camp. I agree with the camp who feel it would only serve to hurt my spouse. I know I already have hurt our marriage. I know I've made a horrendous mistake. I'm moving forward trying to improve our relationship with my husband's help. We've been discussing how we can make our marriage more intimate and communicative.

 

 

Samantha,

 

It is your decision to tell or not to tell of course.

 

You state that telling will only hurt your spouse. Yes it will hurt him if you tell. It will hurt him more if he happens to find out by some one other than you. No matter 10 days,10 months or 10 years down the road, the pain will be like you just did it the night before to him.

 

It is also stated in "that camp" that telling is a selfish act to alleviate the betrayer of their guilt. How absurd. The betrayer will always feel guilt whether they confess or not.

Not confessing allows compartmentalization. You can put the wrong doing away in a box in your mind.

You will subconciously guard this box in your mind and it will be an area your husband cannot be privy to. Thus making it impossible to be truly open and honest with him.

There will be times that your conversations will be about infidelity and you will make your comments of this and that. He will remember those comments if the truth comes out. He will remember everything you said and how he was mislead. That's only if he finds out

 

Yes you can move forward but it will be weighed down. Weighed down because you know the truth.

 

From your posts I can deduct that you are very intelligent, able to recant and counter posts that do not go along with your thinking or reasoning also with a hint of sarcasm and wit.

 

But you are not invincible and your affair is not unique. This has happened millions of times. I know...lots of people have not confessed and I cannot say how their marriages are at this point.

 

However I do know of the ones who held it in for years and got found out. I even know of a story where a woman had gotten cancer and was an avid church goer. She would have surgery, it would go in remission and come back. She said G_d told her to confess her affair to her husband, the affair she had 20 years ago, or the cancer would continue to come back until she died if she didn't confess.

 

She confessed it to her husband. Was he hurt? of course he was. Still is, but he knows the the truth and can make a decision to stay or go. He is staying and working it out currently. Cancer still in remission.

 

By not confessing you rob your husband of a decision to stay or go in a relationship in which he was wronged morally and disrespected.

 

You are actually "fooling" him to stay with you. It goes for a man as well as a woman.

 

You can find many reasons to support not telling and many reasons to support telling, but at the end of it all it comes down to you and your relationship to your husband.

 

One with a hideous skeleton in the closet or one with openness at least on your end.

I'm not judging or even trying to bash you, just stating things I have learned

[seibert253]

Sam healing begins with honesty, total honesty. So far, you haven't been totally honest with your husband.

 

Maybe it's just me, but I can't see how you can totally heal, thus heal your marriage, with you carrying this burden. If you think you can bury this and it will just go away, please don't fool yourself.

[Samantha0905]

if i am to be helpful please describe where your head is right now, where your heart is currently and what it would look like if you are to consider what happy in your marriage looks like? maybe we can brainstorm how you can go about achieving this...

 

it might also be helpful to have a current idea of you husband's current demeanor and approach to you in the recent days.

 

Right now, I think I've bunkered down into taking it one day at a time and making sure we establish better communication. I can't remember the person's username right at this second -- but someone here who also came from a large family (nine children) advised me to start speaking up more. I think she was onto something there as I tend to hold things in. Usually, it's little things, but it's obvious they do build up over time.

 

I think that's what happened when my husband and I separated at 10 years of marriage for a short period of time. It was built up stuff that came out in a detrimental fashion when the pressure finally exceeded the capacity. Obviously, this is a pattern of bad communication.

 

My heart wants my marriage to work badly. I love my husband very much and it frustrates me to no end we've let ourselves get into this non-communication and being generally unhappy with each other pattern. I feel like we've let stress (him), boredom and loneliness (me) take over our lives. Do I feel like this is whining? Yes. Absolutely!! We're both strong people and this can't be that difficult for us. I suppose that's the part that makes it infuriating. It's not like we both don't love each other very much. Our children are beautiful, wonderful, smart (mommy speak) and they love us so much. We've been so blessed!

 

This is going to sound weird -- and maybe it is -- but when I was having the affair there was always that nagging, "What the Hell are you doing?" going on in my mind. That's not the part I think should sound weird. The weird thing is when I thought about it -- even during the affair -- I knew I didn't want my marriage to end. It had gotten to the point, however, I didn't want to give up my AP either because the more time we spent together, the more emotionally attached we became. Oh the tangled webs we weave and all that again.......

 

To make myself face my true feelings, I would play this strange scenario in my head trying to convince myself to act on what I knew my heart knew. The scenario was both my husband and ex-AP are hanging off a cliff and I'm holding onto each one of them -- one with one hand, one with the other. I realize I gave myself superhuman strength in that scenario (ha,ha). Then, I would realize I had to let one go and grab the other one with both hands in order to save one of them. I knew WITHOUT A DOUBT it would be my ex-AP who would end up arms flailing screaming into the abyss. I know some of you may think that's where I need to go -- into the abyss. Anyway, it wasn't meant to be literal but just to make me think about which one I truly loved.

 

I feel like I love my ex-AP, but it's nine months of love compared to 33 years of love -- different -- one is much deeper than the other. I know it's not all about time, but there's something to be said for a relationship built over time. Anyway, once I chose to allow myself to be swept away into affair fairyland, it was like an addiction. It's still there somewhat, but I know I'm making the right decision and the more time goes on the better I'm feeling about letting it go.

 

That was probably an over-share about the cliff/abyss and, hopefully, not taken as me being totally strange.

 

As far as what I want to see in my happy marriage -- maybe it's a fairy tale concept also -- but I would love to have fun with my husband again. I would love him to be interested in what I'm saying and respond to it. Maybe this is too much to ask of a heterosexual man? ha,ha -- yes I'm being funny and I apologize for the sexism there. I just know all through the time my son was in middle and high school, I would talk and he would respond and discuss. My husband is more like a "Huh?" "Yeah" "That's right babe" kind of person. Heck my son, would even bring stuff up later to see whether it was resolved or how I was feeling -- just following up. He's gay, so he's going to make some man very happy one day.

 

I would love for him to sit by me on the couch when we're watching television. I would love a little spontaneity. I've told him 100 times, "Hey honey, I'd love to go to (local Jazz Club) and see what that's like." Just to have a glass of wine and listen a bit. It never happens. A lot of people tell me he is just the way he is and to go on my own. Well, that kind of defeats the partner thing, doesn't it? He has no problem doing the things we both like to do -- football and golf. I love to going to plays, but there's no way that's going to happen with him! LOL My sister advised me to just enjoy the blessings I do have in my marriage and to fulfill myself by hanging out with friends, traveling and the like. She says in 10 years (58), I won't want sex anyway. ha,ha,ha Wonderful!

 

I suppose one of the things I hate the most is his 6:00pm to 11:30pm television habit. I don't know how many times I've tried to say something and he puts the television on pause and stares at me, but he keeps the remote poised in the air and nods his head repeatedly and quickly like he's hoping to heck I get my point across quickly. I'm not one of those people who annoyingly talks all through shows or sports, but Hell 6:00 to 11:30 pm is a lot of time staring at the television.

 

Anyway, I think he is attempting to make a change now. His demeanor to me is almost always sweet and gentlemanly. He still sends me flowers every birthday, Valentine's and anniversary. Oh -- and he even sends me a flower centerpiece for Thanksgiving because I have the family over each year.

 

When he's angry, he says, "I'm angry at you" in an even tone. He's never really said that, except this past weekend when we discussed things. I think he gets that emotion out at work and just doesn't have any of it left for me.

 

He is all of a sudden planning things for us to do. This week is a football game and then he asked me to go to a basketball game next week. Next weekend, he asked me to go to a cabin in the mountains. I'm excited about that and it's not something we normally would do. He's also made plans for us to head to Orlando early next year for a trip with friends. That's another thing we never do. So, he's trying.

 

Oooh -- and he did say something grouchy for the first time in the last few days. He was buying me headphones for Christmas and said, I guess this will be one more way for you not to have to be around me. I'm not being smartass, but I was almost happy to hear some spirit coming out of him. Now, he said that over the phone because I've been out of town and haven't seen him since this past Sunday. I head back tomorrow.

 

I'm moving out of our apartment and when I get home, I'm going to go out of my way to make him feel special. I think he feels alone and friendless right now. He used to always say I was his only real friend. That always made me feel pressured. I like for him to have other friends. I love my friends. I've tried so hard to encourage him to develop friendships and he at least -- since I left -- is going to play cards with some friends one night a week. My sister says she just doesn't think he's a "be around people" person. It's hard to overcome our differences there. I love hanging out with people.

 

Baby steps I guess.

 

I'm sure I rambled a lot with this response and am going to take a break to watch a movie. Thanks for asking sunny.

Edited November 12, 2009 by Samantha0905