Blindsidedagainalive Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 You claim you are saving your husband and family from heartache. If your HOPE is to spare your husband, not yourself, you have a GOLDEN opportunity. You are not living with him....what could be a more opportune time? The years of recommitting and work....filled with deceit will devastate him MUCH MUCH more. HE MAY KILL HIMSELF DOWN THE ROAD..it happens more than you may think. Blood will be on your hands...sound too dramatic...? I personally know of 3 suicides concerning this exact situation...from very stable people. THEIR LIFE WAS A COMPLETE LIE. You don't have to do that. You are ALREADY seperated. He will be able to absorb the impact. Very hard, but not a lifetime of lies hard. It will also explain your moving out. He will be able to take it now....do you understand how lucky you are with the current seperation? Can you support yourself.....the lease is running out soon.....back to hubby for HIS good or yours. Look, I do not agree with all posters. If this were a ONS, I would agree with keeping it. You would be able to put it in a box as a moment of indiscretion. You will not be able to contain this box. You will NEVER have the closeness you seek. If you DO feel closer down the road, the guilt will consume you. If you want to move on with your life without your husband....then keep your secret. But reconciliation is not possible...YOU will not be 'happy'. Do you really believe it's possible? If you are able to believe this, your psychological issues are deeper than you may realize. Stop with the philosophical nonsense! Analysis paralysis!
Spoiled Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Sam, I am reading the posts and sitting on the fence in regards to whether or not you should confess to your H. I understand both views, however, you must make the ultimate decision of what you feel is best for your M. Please know that many, like me, did not have a choice because our spouses discovered it all. I confessed out of necessity, not to fully be honest and that really irritated my H. What I did learn from my experience is that my H questioned whether or not I would have told if he did not find out the entire truth. And he told me several times to "just be honest."
aeh Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I find this an interesting thread because I do honestly want to know what the "hard work" of marriage is--besides just being honest and openly communicating. I have found for me, that the cuddling, snuggling, kissing passionately does make me want to have sex more, which in turn, makes my H want to cuddle, snuggle, kiss more. So that is something we are doing and we are enjoying doing that. (Not to say that I am not in a HUGE state of flux right now, angry, trying to find forgiveness within me, confused, tempted, etc) But I do wonder what other items people have found that work towards moving their M forward. After now reaching the 4 month mark post D-Day, my H and I have reached somewhat of a "breaking point"...I don't know that either of us feels like we can handle much more pain....but alas, it is still there...I think he wants me to be able to unequivocally say that I will always be here for him as long as he doesn't stray again. I don't know that I can say that, or if I ever will be able to.
moaningmyrtle Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I discovered my H's 3.5 year affair several years after it was over. I considered killing myself. It was all devastating but the knowledge that he had 'pretended" for so long was hard to take. He told me that after the A was over he considered telling me but decided he wouldn't because of the risk of breaking up our family. The problem was that the issues in our marriage were never properly addressed - one reason was that I didn't know just how serious they were (because I knew nothing of the A). It was years later when I found out. Once I found out, a flood of information came pouring out of him. His view was like "in for a penny in for a pound". He was keen that I know everything so if we stayed together there was nothing further to cause damage. It's been a year now and we are doing fine. One thing I can say is that for us developing the intimacy and passion has been much much easier than it would have been without the d-day. The incentive for both of us is much greater as we both know what is at stake. I would recommend telling him but I do understand the risk you would be taking of losing everything if you don't. Just a point, is that the risk is always there like the sword of Damocles if you don't tell him. That is how my H described it anyway.
Author Samantha0905 Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 You are right. I have tried to be square with you but you will not listen, so there is no point in communicating further. But remember this: my side is truth and love, your side is deceit and dishonor. Tell me truthfully , which is better? Between those two choices, I'll go with truth and love. Got to agree with the Bold one once again. You know, I've read through all of this, and I certainly feel sympathy for those who gone astray and now want to walk the straight line and do what's right. Sam, I know you want to the do the right thing, you want your marriage to heal and be stronger than it's ever been, but let me ask you this, how can you heal without honesty? Maybe it's me, but I cannot see how you can rebuild by withholding from your H. Not only are you being dishonest to him, but you're not being honest with yourself. Omission is dishonesty. Earlier you wrote if your husband had an A, you wouldn't want to know. Who's being the avoider now? A relationship build, or rebuild, on dishonesty will surely fail. Sam, how long are you willing to fake it, how long are you willing to lie? What happens 2, 3, 5 years from now WHEN he finds out. Please don't fool yourself into thinking he'll never find out. Do some research. Look up the thread of BS's who found out their WS's had affairs, years prior, but never told them, (lie by ommission). Many of these marriages crumbled, not from the intial infidelity, but the years of deceit. I write this 2X4 from the other side not out of spite, but with love. Judging by what you've wrote, if you're honest with your husband he's not gonna throw away 20 some years of marriage because of your momentary indiscretion. Yes he's gonna be hurt, upset, angry, but you know what, in the long run he will respect you for being honest no matter what the costs. Being honest with him will show that you are committed to making your marriage better than ever. It can be, it will just take a whole lot of work. Not just from him, but also YOU. I wish you the best Peace and God Bless, Yes, I agree omission is dishonesty. I really do. As for not wanting to know if my husband had an affair, my husband and I have actually discussed this several times through our marriage and both agreed we'd rather not know if the ultimate decision was the perpetrator of the crime regretted it and wanted to stick with the marriage. I honestly don't think he would necessarily ever find out. My husband really doesn't want to know. I mean I'm in an apartment and he has every resource available to him to be able to hire a P.I. or whatever. Hell, he hasn't even asked. I even told him before I moved out that I felt like our marriage was on shaky ground because I had become attracted to someone at the gym and was tempted. I was trying to let him know we were in trouble and needed to do something about it. He never even asked me who or if I had acted on it. He just assumed I had not and would not. But it seems he would have at least asked why I was feeling lonely and being tempted by the fruit of another. As for how long I'm willing to fake it? I just don't know anymore. I want our marriage to work. I'm having a hard day today so I don't think I'm typing with as much I want our marriage to work fervor. I honestly wish he had said honey I don't want you to move into an apartment. Let's work on it. What's going on? Tell me how you're feeling. I honestly have put way much more work into our marriage as far as communication, love, spontaneity, etc. are concerned. I'm tired. I think he's put more work into our marriage as far as dependability, responsibility, etc. are concerned. He's probably tired too. I know you're not being spiteful. I appreciate your response and God bless you too. BJ, I think she is afraid of losing her husband. I believe that in time she may do the right thing and fess up, but at the moment, she feels their marriage is fragile. Yes, I am. Our marriage is very fragile right now. He's very fragile right now. His psyche is very fragile right now, as is mine. He has been under a tremendous amount of stress. He has a business with 400 employees which has been very adversely effected by the economy. He bends over backwards to make cuts so that not a single employee is layed off. He cares about them. His siblings are a pain in the ass and he feels responsible for them via the family business. This ticks me off because they are adults and need to take care of themselves and they have some crazy and immature issues for their ages. Instead, they bother him all the time with their issues. It's an interesting family dynamic. His father who is a WWII vet and ran the family business for years is sick with dementia. He worries about him and his mother who is stressed out from taking care of the father. His wife (me) moved out. I'm sure he feels like Job right now. You claim you are saving your husband and family from heartache. If your HOPE is to spare your husband, not yourself, you have a GOLDEN opportunity. You are not living with him....what could be a more opportune time? The years of recommitting and work....filled with deceit will devastate him MUCH MUCH more. HE MAY KILL HIMSELF DOWN THE ROAD..it happens more than you may think. Blood will be on your hands...sound too dramatic...? I personally know of 3 suicides concerning this exact situation...from very stable people. THEIR LIFE WAS A COMPLETE LIE. You don't have to do that. You are ALREADY seperated. He will be able to absorb the impact. Very hard, but not a lifetime of lies hard. It will also explain your moving out. He will be able to take it now....do you understand how lucky you are with the current seperation? Can you support yourself.....the lease is running out soon.....back to hubby for HIS good or yours. Look, I do not agree with all posters. If this were a ONS, I would agree with keeping it. You would be able to put it in a box as a moment of indiscretion. You will not be able to contain this box. You will NEVER have the closeness you seek. If you DO feel closer down the road, the guilt will consume you. If you want to move on with your life without your husband....then keep your secret. But reconciliation is not possible...YOU will not be 'happy'. Do you really believe it's possible? If you are able to believe this, your psychological issues are deeper than you may realize. Stop with the philosophical nonsense! Analysis paralysis! He won't kill himself. He is a strong man of God. He won't. I'm not even concerned about that. And, in response to your question as to whether I can support myself. Well, no -- I've been a stay at home mom forever and a day. I know without a doubt my husband would not let the mother of his children and his wife of 28 years have to worry about such things, although I would get a job. He just wouldn't leave me hanging out to dry. He has enough money where both of us would be fine. You'd have to know him, but I know he wouldn't. I know -- from knowing both of us -- there wouldn't even be a lawyer involved as far as property division, etc. is concerned. I don't require a lot and he doesn't either. We've been blessed and know it's just that. Yes, I do believe we can move forward happier and I know I won't be eaten up with guilt. I know I've been forgiven and I would forgive myself eventually. Sorry about the analysis paralysis. I'm a psychology major. Sam, I am reading the posts and sitting on the fence in regards to whether or not you should confess to your H. I understand both views, however, you must make the ultimate decision of what you feel is best for your M. Please know that many, like me, did not have a choice because our spouses discovered it all. I confessed out of necessity, not to fully be honest and that really irritated my H. What I did learn from my experience is that my H questioned whether or not I would have told if he did not find out the entire truth. And he told me several times to "just be honest." Yes, it's a difficult decision. I'm sitting on the fence also. I'm trying to work through exactly what I should do. I don't know how to handle this mess I've made, to tell you the truth. Thank you for your thoughts. wrong post What? Anyway, thanks for all the advice. I'm trying to work through things and do the right thing. It is very difficult. I do love God very much. I love my husband very much. I love my children very much. I hate the communication issues and the lack of intimacy. There are quite a few things I don't like about myself right now. I'm trying to sort through it all, but am feeling quite stuck right now.
Author Samantha0905 Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 You are right. I have tried to be square with you but you will not listen, so there is no point in communicating further. But remember this: my side is truth and love, your side is deceit and dishonor. Tell me truthfully , which is better? By the way, I responded to your PM -- but show nothing in my sent box. Did you receive it?
Blindsidedagainalive Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Sure God loves you, doesn't make you special. He loves Nazi's too. I know without a doubt my husband would not let the mother of his children and his wife of 28 years have to worry about such things, although I would get a job. Oh, no worries then TELL HIM He just wouldn't leave me hanging out to dry. He has enough money where both of us would be fine. You'd have to know him, but I know he wouldn't. I know -- from knowing both of us -- there wouldn't even be a lawyer involved as far as property division, etc. is concerned. I don't require a lot and he doesn't either. We've been blessed and know it's just that. Oh, no worries then Instead of posting defensively, why don't you create your own website. You are a Psych major (god knows how many years ago that was) and you have all the answers.
Author Samantha0905 Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 You never replied to the above on another thread. You may have missed it so I posted it again here for you to consider. Originally Posted by LifesontheUp A marriage is between 2 people and therefore follows that it takes those 2 people to make it work. If its broke which yours obviously is since you had an affair, then how on earth do you think you can fix it on your own? I don't know Samantha, it just seems to me you are afraid to face him with what you have done. I think you are hiding behind excuses not to tell him. Witholding the information is so disrespectful. I think that if you want to make a go at getting your marriage back on track, you should consider telling your H of your affair. That way you get everything out in the open and your H is also clear on what needs to be changed to make your marriage better and able to stand the test of time. Sorry! I don't know why I keep skipping this. I don't think I can fix it on my own. I know I need to sit him down and talk to him about our lack of intimacy, sexual connection, etc. I want to do that. I just don't think it is a good time to also throw out at him the fact that I've had an affair. Maybe if we develop some sort of intimacy, I would feel more free to tell him what's been going on in detail. Perhaps it will develop over time. I don't know. I don't know if I will ever feel a need to tell him. Of course I'm afraid about telling him. I honestly don't know that he would want to know the information about my having an affair. I am considering it. I'm trying to think this all out. It's a painful situation I have created due to being lonely and making f-d up decisions.
Author Samantha0905 Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 I find this an interesting thread because I do honestly want to know what the "hard work" of marriage is--besides just being honest and openly communicating. I have found for me, that the cuddling, snuggling, kissing passionately does make me want to have sex more, which in turn, makes my H want to cuddle, snuggle, kiss more. So that is something we are doing and we are enjoying doing that. (Not to say that I am not in a HUGE state of flux right now, angry, trying to find forgiveness within me, confused, tempted, etc) But I do wonder what other items people have found that work towards moving their M forward. After now reaching the 4 month mark post D-Day, my H and I have reached somewhat of a "breaking point"...I don't know that either of us feels like we can handle much more pain....but alas, it is still there...I think he wants me to be able to unequivocally say that I will always be here for him as long as he doesn't stray again. I don't know that I can say that, or if I ever will be able to. I wonder too. So, are you glad your husband told you? Did he tell you or did you find out on your own? Are y'all getting counseling?
Author Samantha0905 Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 I discovered my H's 3.5 year affair several years after it was over. I considered killing myself. It was all devastating but the knowledge that he had 'pretended" for so long was hard to take. He told me that after the A was over he considered telling me but decided he wouldn't because of the risk of breaking up our family. The problem was that the issues in our marriage were never properly addressed - one reason was that I didn't know just how serious they were (because I knew nothing of the A). It was years later when I found out. Once I found out, a flood of information came pouring out of him. His view was like "in for a penny in for a pound". He was keen that I know everything so if we stayed together there was nothing further to cause damage. It's been a year now and we are doing fine. One thing I can say is that for us developing the intimacy and passion has been much much easier than it would have been without the d-day. The incentive for both of us is much greater as we both know what is at stake. I would recommend telling him but I do understand the risk you would be taking of losing everything if you don't. Just a point, is that the risk is always there like the sword of Damocles if you don't tell him. That is how my H described it anyway. Thanks Myrtle. So, how did you discover it 3.5 years after the fact? I'm glad the two of you are moving forward now.
Author Samantha0905 Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 (edited) Sure God loves you, doesn't make you special. He loves Nazi's too. My dad used to say to never think I was more special than anyone else because God made us all special. I know without a doubt my husband would not let the mother of his children and his wife of 28 years have to worry about such things, although I would get a job. Oh, no worries then TELL HIMOh, sure there are worries. That's what I think some aren't understanding in what I'm saying. My worries are about how much it would hurt him at this point. Yes, I know it would hurt me also. And yes, I know I'm avoiding that in many ways. But as hard as it is for some to believe that someone who has had an affair would actually be concerned for their spouse, I am. I don't want to see the pain in his eyes. I don't want him to go through the turmoil. I screwed up. I have my own pain to bear. I'd rather not extend it to him. He just wouldn't leave me hanging out to dry. He has enough money where both of us would be fine. You'd have to know him, but I know he wouldn't. I know -- from knowing both of us -- there wouldn't even be a lawyer involved as far as property division, etc. is concerned. I don't require a lot and he doesn't either. We've been blessed and know it's just that.Oh, no worries then Instead of posting defensively, why don't you create your own website. You are a Psych major (god knows how many years ago that was) and you have all the answers.I'm not posting defensively. I think it's difficult to communicate in type at times because people read emotions into what other people type that just aren't there. I'm actually sitting here reading what is being said and trying to open myself up to the varying opinions. I have an opinion also, but think remaining open is the best way to learn -- especially from others who have been through similar experiences. Now, you sound a bit sarcastic. As for how many years ago it was -- I went to college when I was 36 years old and graduated at 40 for my undergraduate degree. So, eight years ago and I don't think I know it all. I think psychology is interesting in some ways and kind of humorous in other ways. And when I said, "I'm a Psychology major" that was said in self-deprecating humor as to why I over analyze. One thing I've always said is that I'm a true believer in the statement, "The more I learn, the less I realize I know." There's a lot out there to be learned and there's no way anyone could have all the answers. If I've said something to irritate you or sound "all knowing" -- I apologize. Edited October 29, 2009 by Samantha0905
bluegreen12 Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 My dad used to say to never think I was more special than anyone else because God made us all special. You know that's not true, right?
aeh Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 I wonder too. So, are you glad your husband told you? Did he tell you or did you find out on your own? Are y'all getting counseling? I discovered the A, quite by accident. Didn't suspect anything at all. We are in MC and both doing MC. For me, I think its coming to terms with forgiveness. I've always been a VERY forgiving person....one of my strengths I would have said. But this, I am not sure if I ever will completely. That being said, I think it is not an all or nothing thing. I think I am working my way there.
Author Samantha0905 Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 I discovered the A, quite by accident. Didn't suspect anything at all. We are in MC and both doing MC. For me, I think its coming to terms with forgiveness. I've always been a VERY forgiving person....one of my strengths I would have said. But this, I am not sure if I ever will completely. That being said, I think it is not an all or nothing thing. I think I am working my way there. Good. I imagine it would be a very difficult thing to forgive.
DiDi123 Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 Sam, If you are wavering this much about telling him - then don't. "Words spoken, like stones thrown can never be taken back"- don't know who the author is. But the point is you always have the option of confessing if YOU chose to when the time is right and you feel comfortable doing so. And believe it or not YOU are going to hurt more over what you have done than he ever will if he finds out. Clearly you understand what you did was wrong, and you are extremely remorseful. Please give yourself some credit. You ended the A, you are not renewing your lease and you are moving back home. Take a deep breath and try and relax. I think you realize you are very blessed. Put yourself in my shoes- 43, never married, no children (and after total abdominal hysterectomy Sept. 9th- I'll never have any) and I am involved w/MM (only 4 months). We are extremely compatible and he has followed through with everything thus far that he has said he was going to do...but he knows I am out if he doesn't leave her (and soon!). Anyway, give yourself a break and continue to enjoy your weekends at home with him. Try cooking some treats and giving him little snuggles and smiles- and mentioning how happy you are to be home and thank him for allowing you to have your "mini-meltdown" BUT that you are more happy than ever to be home with him & for him. Tell him he looks nice, smells nice, ask him to go for a walk after dinner- take the pressure off and tell him no heavy conversation, just hold hands and chat, be friends again.
mem11363 Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 (edited) Sam, In some ways you remind me - in a very positive manner - of my wife. She and I have been married 20 years. I have never cheated and don't believe she has. If she did, of course I would be angry. But I would mainly feel sad for her. She is religious and would feel guilt. I know she would and that would make me sad for her. I do think you can fix your marriage without telling him. I also believe you need to somehow find a way to interact that connects you two. His pattern of using the tv to unwind isn't right. It is not part of being a good partner. You have the classic pattern of he touches you when he wants sex, and you don't like that touch always implies sex. Have you found a way to make progress in that area? I think there are ways to do that - lots of them - provided you are both willing to be honest. I am lucky, my wife and I both love touch. We touch all the time. When we watch tv we either sit up next to each other, sides touching, holding hands, rubbing thighs. Or we lie down next to each other side by side. We also have a rythm that works for us. We usually have sex twice a week. The right amount of sex allows unlimited touch to be delightful. A lack of sex combined with a LOT of touch, just teases the man and makes him frustrated. Sometimes my wife feels lust for me. Sometimes - maybe half the time - she has sex with me because she loves me and wants to bring me joy and wants to feel connected to me. And I see this as a nice compromise, as there are nights that I wish to connect but completely mask my desire because I know she does not. And those nights I am just as loving, affectionate, touching as the nights we do have sex. Maybe even a little extra nice - just to make the point. So one thing I don't get. You strike me as this strong, independent woman. Why does he not draw strength from interacting from you? Why would he rather watch tv then BE with you? Just a thought for you. The day AFTER you have sex you each give each other a nice long full body massage while you talk. The talking doesn't have to be super heavy, but it sure isn't just nothing - talk about stuff that matters to both of you. Can you get him to engage without feeling like he has to be in problem solving mode? I only say the day after because, for me, if I am wanting my wife a long massage is great foreplay, but it would be a drag to have her do that, get me really wound up and then not consumate. But a lack of sexual connection, combined with a massage can just be an exercise in frustration for a man. If he is frustrated, that tv is going to start looking really good. I am just saying for me - the day after sex - we can touch like crazy and it feels warm and connected - and if she wants it to just be affection and not lead to sex - fine. Even 2 days after. Even 3 days after mostly. At 4 days not so much. At 5 days massage without sex leaves me edgy. But everybody is different. Good. I imagine it would be a very difficult thing to forgive. Edited October 31, 2009 by mem11363
boldjack Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Sam if you do as DiDi suggests, you had better make sure that your AP never tells anyone else about your A. If you were to try to get all cuddly and smarmy with your H now, he would definitely suspect something fishy. If he ever were to find out in the future, about the A, then all of the snuggling and cuddling would only look like more dishonesty. Be square with the guy, he deserves it.
Author Samantha0905 Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 (edited) You know that's not true, right? I do think God made us all special. How is that not true? My dad wasn't saying I'm not special. He was the best dad in the world and definitely made me feel special. He was pointing out in God's eyes, we are all His children. Anyway, perhaps you read something into that I didn't intend to imply. My dad had a heart of gold and I know what he said was very true. Sam, If you are wavering this much about telling him - then don't. "Words spoken, like stones thrown can never be taken back"- don't know who the author is. But the point is you always have the option of confessing if YOU chose to when the time is right and you feel comfortable doing so. And believe it or not YOU are going to hurt more over what you have done than he ever will if he finds out. Clearly you understand what you did was wrong, and you are extremely remorseful. Please give yourself some credit. You ended the A, you are not renewing your lease and you are moving back home. Take a deep breath and try and relax. I think you realize you are very blessed. Put yourself in my shoes- 43, never married, no children (and after total abdominal hysterectomy Sept. 9th- I'll never have any) and I am involved w/MM (only 4 months). We are extremely compatible and he has followed through with everything thus far that he has said he was going to do...but he knows I am out if he doesn't leave her (and soon!). Anyway, give yourself a break and continue to enjoy your weekends at home with him. Try cooking some treats and giving him little snuggles and smiles- and mentioning how happy you are to be home and thank him for allowing you to have your "mini-meltdown" BUT that you are more happy than ever to be home with him & for him. Tell him he looks nice, smells nice, ask him to go for a walk after dinner- take the pressure off and tell him no heavy conversation, just hold hands and chat, be friends again. Thanks. I certainly know what I have done is wrong. I appreciate your input. We went out of town this weekend and had a really nice time together. It really has been a mini-meltdown. My husband actually told me this weekend that although it hurt his feelings I've been away for six months in an apartment, that he really did understand that being married for 28 years, raising children, etc. is hard work and he totally understood that. He said if six months of a break after 28 years of being a great homemaker, wife and mother was what I needed then he could certainly understand it. I know that sounds odd, but he really meant it. Now, obviously, he is saying that without knowledge of the affair part. I do think I'm stressing myself out about it all too much. We do need to rediscover our friendship, but I do need it to be a more intimate friendship this time around or I'll end up lonely again. Sam, In some ways you remind me - in a very positive manner - of my wife. She and I have been married 20 years. I have never cheated and don't believe she has. If she did, of course I would be angry. But I would mainly feel sad for her. She is religious and would feel guilt. I know she would and that would make me sad for her. I do think you can fix your marriage without telling him. I also believe you need to somehow find a way to interact that connects you two. His pattern of using the tv to unwind isn't right. It is not part of being a good partner. You have the classic pattern of he touches you when he wants sex, and you don't like that touch always implies sex. Have you found a way to make progress in that area? I think there are ways to do that - lots of them - provided you are both willing to be honest. I am lucky, my wife and I both love touch. We touch all the time. When we watch tv we either sit up next to each other, sides touching, holding hands, rubbing thighs. Or we lie down next to each other side by side. We also have a rythm that works for us. We usually have sex twice a week. The right amount of sex allows unlimited touch to be delightful. A lack of sex combined with a LOT of touch, just teases the man and makes him frustrated. Sometimes my wife feels lust for me. Sometimes - maybe half the time - she has sex with me because she loves me and wants to bring me joy and wants to feel connected to me. And I see this as a nice compromise, as there are nights that I wish to connect but completely mask my desire because I know she does not. And those nights I am just as loving, affectionate, touching as the nights we do have sex. Maybe even a little extra nice - just to make the point. So one thing I don't get. You strike me as this strong, independent woman. Why does he not draw strength from interacting from you? Why would he rather watch tv then BE with you? Just a thought for you. The day AFTER you have sex you each give each other a nice long full body massage while you talk. The talking doesn't have to be super heavy, but it sure isn't just nothing - talk about stuff that matters to both of you. Can you get him to engage without feeling like he has to be in problem solving mode? I only say the day after because, for me, if I am wanting my wife a long massage is great foreplay, but it would be a drag to have her do that, get me really wound up and then not consumate. But a lack of sexual connection, combined with a massage can just be an exercise in frustration for a man. If he is frustrated, that tv is going to start looking really good. I am just saying for me - the day after sex - we can touch like crazy and it feels warm and connected - and if she wants it to just be affection and not lead to sex - fine. Even 2 days after. Even 3 days after mostly. At 4 days not so much. At 5 days massage without sex leaves me edgy. But everybody is different. Oh, thanks so much for comparing me in a positive manner to your wife. I'm working on things with my husband. I will talk to him more about what I feel like we've been missing in our marriage as far as communication and intimacy. As for the television stuff, I really do think he escapes to it after stressful days at work and dealing with his family. It has become a habit for him. We went away out of town this weekend and I noticed he was hugging up on me more and touching my knee, putting his arm around me and holding my hand more. We didn't have sex, but I think we're in a rut with that right now too and he's just waiting to see what the Hell I'm going to do. Mainly, he just wants me home. He asked me to go to the beach with him for a long weekend this weekend, so I will try to talk to him more there without it becoming a stressed out conversation. I honestly don't even know if the television watching would bother me as much if we were just closer to each other. I guess it's not rocket science and I should just tell him I'd rather have him closer. LOL It's funny what ends up being problems when communication is lacking. I do feel like I need to put a very concerted effort into helping us to develop more healthy communication/intimacy patterns. I am a strong, independent woman and it's something he loves about me. Our daughter and her husband were with us some of the time this weekend and I know it keeps striking me more and more that I have to start working hard on what I want to save in life -- and that's us -- our family, our love for each other, our future together chasing grandchildren, traveling, etc. I've always spent so much effort into making sure we were happy, but it was us with kids. I smiled when my daughter arrived this weekend because she brought me a Halloween Frankenstein head full of candy goodies and her dad a jack-o-lantern with candy. I've always done that sort of thing for my children and hubby all through our marriage. Halloween fun, Santa notes, Easter baskets, chaperoning like crazy, etc. I'd always get in a sliding comment wondering where my basket was? ha,ha It's finally showing up. It's kind of hard to explain, but the dynamic between me and my husband has changed somewhat now that we're empty nesters and perhaps it's just been an adjustment for me since he works and they were my job. It's not that he wasn't a good parent -- but I was a stay at home mom and he went to work. I must be repeating myself in this thread a lot. I can't remember what I've already said now. :-) Anyway, there's just too much good stuff going on with my family for me not to work hard here. Maybe I've just been burned out since the kids left and needed some me time. I don't know. I sure didn't handle it well. I heard Dr. Phil (ha,ha -- I really don't watch him that much) say the other day he had never seen less time together help a married couple with problems and he certainly never saw allowing an interloper to come into the picture help. That probably would irritate OW/OM as it minimizes them and certainly they are people too -- so no insult intended. It's just a true fact in a marriage -- interlopers = major trouble for the marriage relationship. Sam if you do as DiDi suggests, you had better make sure that your AP never tells anyone else about your A. If you were to try to get all cuddly and smarmy with your H now, he would definitely suspect something fishy. If he ever were to find out in the future, about the A, then all of the snuggling and cuddling would only look like more dishonesty. Be square with the guy, he deserves it. I honestly think at this point, jack, he would be happy for both us to be all cuddly and close again. I would also. I think we both miss each other and know something is missing, but without a doubt we love each other. Edited November 2, 2009 by Samantha0905
boldjack Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 The more you post, Sam, the more I believe he is aware that something happened, while you were gone. I am glad though, that you had a nice weekend.
Author Samantha0905 Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 The more you post, Sam, the more I believe he is aware that something happened, while you were gone. I am glad though, that you had a nice weekend. Thanks. You may be right. I wonder about it myself at times. I'm up way late with insomnia and watching "The Bridges of Madison County." Shows where's my head is right now. I do love this movie and I'm sure men may think "chick flick." Goodness, I really don't think all of this is funny -- but life is definitely an experience. I'd rather laugh than cry, however, but I've done both when happy and sad at times.
NowhereToHide Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 The more you post, Sam, the more I believe he is aware that something happened, while you were gone. I am glad though, that you had a nice weekend. Maybe he suspects something, but doesn't want to know. There ARE people that would prefer not to know.
boldjack Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 Yes, Yes, Yes, NWTH, I Know that there are weak minded people, who don't want to know. They are called doormats.
Author Samantha0905 Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 Maybe he suspects something, but doesn't want to know. There ARE people that would prefer not to know. Yes, there are. And maybe so. And maybe he's just that much nicer than some of us and doesn't even think along those lines.
Author Samantha0905 Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 Yes, Yes, Yes, NWTH, I Know that there are weak minded people, who don't want to know. They are called doormats. I'd never call a person a doormat. Least of all, my husband.
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