cdt76 Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Through all this, I have addressed a lot of the anger and rage issues that I have towards the ex and the guy she left me for/cheated on me with. The rage hasn't gone anywhere but I understand and accept why I'm so angry. But there is one area in me that I have not addressed and it sort of just dawned on me today because a part of the anger and rage is derived from it. When i first got back from trainin, she left me. Over that weekend i spent time trying to reach her and talk to her but she would only give me a few minutes at a time. Finally, I got her to give me some time at her work in my car and I read her a letter about my feelings. It basically said everything I felt about her, the things I was willing to do to change myself and the life I wanted with her. It spelled out the steps I was willing to take to make things right with us and her. A lot of my anger and rage, comes from the fact that she knows I was sincere and honest in my words. She knows how much I loved her. She knows how far I wanted to go with her. She knows I was willing to work for her and make our relationship everything she could possibly dream of. She saw my tears and my love and she saw me for what I am. She saw that my love for her was real and lasting. But it wasn't enough. Why was it not enough? What was it about me, that she didn't want anymore? What did I do or say or not do or not say that wasn't good enough to keep her wanting me? What was it about the last 8 months thats was so bad that she wanted to throw me away for someone else? Why did she not want me or my love? I am a great person and wonderful lover and I touched her in ways she never experienced, emotionally, physically and by showing her a life of friendship, love and trust. Why did she not want me in her life? I gave her everything I could. I wanted to and tried to give her everything she could dream. Why was it not enough? Why was I not good enough for her? Why was working on our relationship so hard that leaving was easier? I know you are going to say that I was better than her and all that. But the truth is, that for her, I wasn't and I don't know why. She wouldn't tell me. She barely said anything to me about leaving me. I never got a straight answer. I know she was cheating and she didn't have the courage to tell me that. Maybe that was the reason all along. But if she was cheating, what did I do to make her do that? This is where a lot of my anger comes from. I just don't know and I can't do or say anything to get answers. Maybe you can give me insight.
GrayClouds Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Maybe you can give me insight. First off, answers to questions only lead to more questions. Trust me. Once you head down that rabbit hole, it just gets darker and darker. You always have one more question. So what do you do know? Stop and focus on what you need right now. Start that by reading both of these links: The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance? Second do what they say. It will be hard and with pain but you will makeit through.
BCCA Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Why was it not enough? What was it about me, that she didn't want anymore? What did I do or say or not do or not say that wasn't good enough to keep her wanting me? What was it about the last 8 months thats was so bad that she wanted to throw me away for someone else? Why did she not want me or my love? I am a great person and wonderful lover and I touched her in ways she never experienced, emotionally, physically and by showing her a life of friendship, love and trust. Why did she not want me in her life? I gave her everything I could. I wanted to and tried to give her everything she could dream. Why was it not enough? Why was I not good enough for her? Why was working on our relationship so hard that leaving was easier? As difficult as it sounds, and as hard as it will be, you need to realize that youre never going to get the answers to these questions, and even if you did, they would do you no good. The best answer I can give you for everything is that she decided she was better off going in another direction, and everything else just kind of happened as a result of that. I know, its crap and it sucks, but the reality is that its life. I know how you feel right now. Mine was 5 years, and Ive seen others 10+ who are left with the same questions, but thats just how these things work. Every answer only makes a new question emerge.
Thebob Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 What do you mean by training? obviously you didn't see anything that you did wrong, but obviously she saw something wrong. You might feel that you did everything great, but in her eyes there were some flaws. Girls think completely different than us Males, and we will never understand their thought process. She obviously thought that this new guy was a better fit, and she is happier with him. Only time will tell if she is truly happy with this new guy, and you need to try and move on. She obviously doesn't want to talk to you and I know it's hard but you need to forget her. It's hard man trust me, and we all have these damn questions but they will never be answered. Only the lucky few will ever find the answers. Im sorry man, but move on.
Author cdt76 Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 I went to training for 3 weeks in South Carolina. The "guy" she is with was my friend and co-worker. So it's a little more involved than just moving on. I have to work with him and others who knew what was going on and didn't tell me. Oh you are right. She saw things that she felt needed to be addressed but NEVER ONCE bothered to bring ANY of it up until AFTER she left. And they were just stupid things, little things, excuses she was throwing up to justify her actions in her mind that she liked this other guy. AND he isn't even as attractive as I am. He just has more money. So, yeah. I hope they both die and rot in a 95 degree sweltering house unfound for years. But the answers to these questions are what will make me a better man, won't they? Won't they show me where my deficiencies are? Where I failed? Did even fail?
BCCA Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 But the answers to these questions are what will make me a better man, won't they? Won't they show me where my deficiencies are? Where I failed? Did even fail? Maybe they would, maybe they wouldn't, but one thing is for sure: you just aren't going to get them. She isn't going to be interested in having an honest and open discussion with you, when she can rationalize it in her mind that it was all your fault, and she had to do what she did. Why does she want to discuss it any further, especially when she has this other guy telling her she's done no wrong, and they belong together? I know its cruel and unfair, or at least it seems that way, but its just a natural fact of life.
stace79 Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Why did you end it with other girlfriends? I used to whine and moan all the time about "oh why wasn't I good enough?" but the truth is I did the same exact thing to at least two guys. It's not the they're not good enough, but you can't always help who you love and who you don't. No one is owed answers in this life. You should get used to not having all the answers.
ADF Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 OP, you have keep in mind there is no moral economy to the universe. What kind of person you are makes almost no difference in how people will regard you or treat you. Nice guys take it for granted that people will like them because they are nice. Not so. I wish it were true, but it isn't. You sound like you are balming yourself for not doing enough, for failing in some way. Don't. The reason people choose one person over another are arbitrary, illogical, and impossible to untangle. You need to put aside your need to understand her choices. It will drive you crazy. She may not understand her reasons either. Just accept what cannot be fixed is broken.
boogieboy Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 CDT be patient...once you get over the highly charged emotional part of your coping, Things will clear up. you will start to realize things you might have done to turn her off, and also see where she might have made mistakes. One of the things you might not realize right now that many guys tend to miss: Many women dont always come right out with issues they have with you. Instead they throw a test at you to see if your real intentions were there. When you fail too many of these tests, they check out, and you never know what happened. Ill give you an example: Before asking me "what are we doing this for?" My ex threw clues at me that I kept shooting down to see if I was interested in a commitment with her, but I wasnt, so I kept shooting them down. 1.) SHe asked me to stay at her house while she went to work - non commital 2.) she would tell me post coitus that I was "perfect" (she was looking for positive affirmation.. but I didnt say anything because that made me susocious) 3.) She wanted to buy cooking things for my apt so she could cook there, I said no - I didnt want reminders of her when she left me - non commital Actually my examples are pretty obvious, but you have to watch out for these things, you have to be acute. Clues will start popping up in your mind, and you will realize things that you both did wrong. It will take a few months, but it will come.
Thebob Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 No answers should be given to you, she is most likely telling her new boyfriend everything that is horrible about you. I know that my ex will tell her new boyfriend ( when she gets one ) that I was a bad person and it wasn't working, that I was too needy, but it's on their conscience in saying that and they know deep down that they don't mean it. They just want to make themselves look better because they know that they ****ed up. And no one likes blaming themselves for anything. My ex told me that her buddy over the summer was crazy, then her previous ex just stopped talking to her out of the blue for no reason. Girls never want to look at their faults and will give irrational explanations for why they do this. They have to live with it themselves and God will have to judge her when she dies. As long as you know you tried your hardest, that is all that matter, who cares what she thinks and I know that is hard to swallow. You never know, you all could be a couple again in 10 years, but for now she seems to be immature. Hope this helps Thebob
Author cdt76 Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 One of the things you might not realize right now that many guys tend to miss: Many women dont always come right out with issues they have with you. Instead they throw a test at you to see if your real intentions were there. When you fail too many of these tests, they check out, and you never know what happened. Yeah, I know what you mean. She said she "tried" to talk to me about an issue on "3 occasions". I said really when? She said...and I quote "I called you stupid". It just about floored me. REALLY? She had an issue with me and to start the conversation she called me stupid? I don't even remember her calling me that! But hey...if that is the way girls communicate, then I'm done. I won't survive in this craziness. I do not have a history of dating. I met and married my first love for 10 years, got divorced and started dating but this is the first one I truly fell in love with...even remotely. So, if girls "talk" like this. I won't make it. I know the two of them are saying bad things about me...even her family is calling me crazy on facebook...I stopped looking at that crap. But I just wanted closure or reality or something. I don't know. I am just figuring out that I was in love but she obviously wasn't. Or can girls turn it off just like that when they find someone new?
Thebob Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Who the Eff knows? that is why guys and girls can never understand each other. No point in busting a brain cell over it haha. NC it and move on, not every girl is like that man. Keep it real and message us if you need help again. Thebob
JaggedRoad Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 It helps to maintain a good level of communication. My ex and I used to have excellent communication and was honest about everything. I can't say the same for the last few months x)
lemeng Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 i know how hard it is to move on but think about it this way if she cheated once she will do it again so you are batter off anyway every time you will see that guy you will know that one day he will feel like you feel right now if she didn't gave you answers and didn't want to work on the relationship it means she has some problem she cant deal with start NC and don't look back life is too short you will find some one else and you will forget all about her just like every other woman you ever bean with focus on positive energy wish for what you want and need and soon you will have it
Recommended Posts