smile123 Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 (edited) So, let me begin by telling you the main issue here: I no longer have the desire to be physical with my boyfriend. I know that a majority of you are probably going to tell me that this means that I am obviously not physically attracted to him anymore, but I am certain that this is not the case (which is why I am so confused as to what is going on). I think he is extremely sexy and handsome, yet, for the past year of our relationship I have not wanted to go beyond anything other than kissing, holding hands, hugging, etc. I completely understand that this isn't fair to my boyfriend because we were physical for the first 3 years of our relationship, and then, suddenly, I began to feel guilty, anxious, and a mixture of other emotions when we were physical with each other. And, oh, I should probably clarify that when I say that we are physical with each other, I mean mostly everything other than sex. I know that this may sound absurd to a lot of people reading this, but, not only have I been raised by my parents to wait until marriage for sex, but this is something that is extremely important to me, and something that I value and believe in greatly. Although we do not have sex, as I previously mentioned, we used to be physical in a variety of other ways, and we were both satisfied with this. However, the issue of me not wanting to be physical at all (sometimes I do not even want to make out with him!) has been causing a lot of issues between the two of us. I am very worried that this will cause us to break up because he is very upset and not understanding why I am feeling the way I do, which is quite understandable on his part. I should definitely mention that I started taking anti-depressants (Citalopram to Lexapro to currently Prisqiq) for my anxiety problems about one year ago, which marks when I started feeling the way I have been describing regarding the physical aspect of my relationship. I am fairly certain that it is the medicine that is causing me to feel this way (as well as the feelings of guilt and shame I feel when we are physical due to my beliefs and how I have been raised), but what do I do?! Should I stop taking my medicine and have the chance of my anxiety growing even stronger? However, if I were to do this, perhaps everything would be better with the way my body has been reacting in regards to the physical aspect of my relationship? Or should I continue taking my medicine, and hope that things get better? I'm just really discouraged because I feel as though I'm stuck because either way there will be a disadvantage. My boyfriend gets very aggravated with me, and when I try to explain to him that I just CANNOT be aroused, he becomes hurt and feels like I am no longer attracted to him. If the scenario were flipped, and I were in his shoes, I would probably feel the same way too. However, I don't want to force it or pretend as though I'm, for lack of a better word, horny, because then I feel like I'm being fake and unreal to him, but it's definitely causing problems for the two of us. So, I'm sorry this post is so long, and it may appear very scattered. I just have a lot of different thoughts running through my head right now. I should probably also mention that we are both 20 years old and have been dating for 4 years. So to leave you with, I guess my main question is: do you think it is the medicine that is causing my feelings? Or do you think it could be something deeper? And what should I do to solve the problem? Thank you! Any opinions and advice are welcome! Edited October 27, 2009 by smile123
JohnP82 Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 1) It could be the medicine. You should talk to your doctor about the changes you have felt since being on the medication. Perhaps he can give you something that will help your anxiety but not have the same side effects. 2) It could also be something deeper. There's nothing wrong with waiting to have sex inside of marriage and the guilt of doing other stuff could be turning you off. Another thing to consider is that being physical for a long time and then stopping can have a damaging impact on your relationship. I think Conehead can probably relate to you better than most.
Author smile123 Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 Thank you for replying so quickly, John! In response to #1: I actually have talked to my doctor about it, but there is nothing much that she can do. As I mentioned in my post, I have, in less than a year, tried 3 different medications, and they all have the same side effects. I know that there are still a multitude of medicines to try, but they are known for side effects such as rapid weight gain or making you tired, which I definitely cannot handle right now in my life (especially being tired while trying to do school work)! I understand that it can be damaging, but I really can't seem to help it. I try to make myself feel aroused and whatnot, but it's one of those things that you can't force. I guess one of the main reasons I have been not wanting to be physical with my boyfriend is because I don't want to feel like I'm faking it (as I've mentioned I believe earlier) and being unfair to him, you know? I appreciate the advice, and hopefully Conehead will find my thread to share their opinions!
Sith Apprentice Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Save some of those anti-depressants for your boyfriend, he's gonna need them. Especially if he's Sleeping in a deep freeze and getting blue balled every night.
Author smile123 Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 Johnny- Yes, I know that it must suck to be my boyfriend, but it's not like I'm purposely doing this to him! Do you honestly think it would be better for me to fake it with him? He doesn't want me to suffer and have trouble by going off the medicine, so he understands that part. And, also, we love each other very much and we have been working together to try and overcome this issue.
Author smile123 Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 Sith Apprentice- Look, I understand you may be trying to be funny or add humor to the post, but I really don't need to hear things like that at the moment. I'm looking for actual advice and people who want to try and help me with my situation. It does not help me to hear that it must suck to be my boyfriend, blah, blah..This is something I am already aware of and what I am trying to fix.
Author smile123 Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 Awesome Username- I'm actually not a fan of coffee, but thanks for the advice! haha
mushmush Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 well I was going to say talk to your GP but you have done that. Unfortunatly like you have said, she will only prescribe more drugs to you. IMO it seriously pisses me off that western society has a pill for every problem. i.e it's just a quick fix with out actually solving the problem. May I ask, what was the reason for you to start taking anti-depressants in the first place?? I'm no doctor but if your low sex drive is linked to your anti-depressants it migh be they are only masking the problem. I mean you are only 20 so are you going to be taking these drugs for the rest of your life?? Might be an idea to do some reasearch on some natural chinese herbal remedies. Found that they can do alot of what the pills can without all the side effects. Just and idea
mushmush Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 (edited) Side effects of the drugs you are taking include nausea, drowsiness, headache, weight gain or loss, increased or decreased appetite, and sexual dysfunction fyi. Edited October 27, 2009 by mushmush
Johnny M Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Johnny- Yes, I know that it must suck to be my boyfriend, but it's not like I'm purposely doing this to him! Do you honestly think it would be better for me to fake it with him? He doesn't want me to suffer and have trouble by going off the medicine, so he understands that part. And, also, we love each other very much and we have been working together to try and overcome this issue. I think your problem is that you've been brainwashed with all sorts of religious BS as a child (i.e. no sex before marriage), which is causing you to feel guilt over something that is a perfectly normal activity to other people. Maybe you should try to put your religious/"moral" convictions aside and actually have sex with you BF to see if it fixes things. If that fails, consider becoming a nun...
Dark-Farmer Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 I think your problem is that you've been brainwashed with all sorts of religious BS as a child (i.e. no sex before marriage), which is causing you to feel guilt over something that is a perfectly normal activity to other people. Maybe you should try to put your religious/"moral" convictions aside and actually have sex with you BF to see if it fixes things. If that fails, consider becoming a nun... I applaud this statement. I think the idea of not having sex before marriage had a purpose ... hundreds years ago. In today's day and age it has no purpose, reason or bearing. My personal opinion, well and probably johnny's too.
terra Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Hi Smile, I'm curious to know how things are going. I had this problem too, I took drugs for anxiety and had no sex drive, but I wasn't in a long term relationship so it worked ok with me. After a year of taking the drugs, I went off them and was fine so I don't have that problem. I would be in the same situation as you if I continued to need to take them. Hope everything worked out!
JustLooking123 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I may catch some flak for this, but here goes. Sometimes, when we love someone, we have to do things that we do not 100% enjoy. Now, this should be a two-way street; both partners should give a little and put up with less-than-perfect situations from time to time, for the benefit of the other. So, why not apply this to sex? Even if you don't feel like it, what's stopping you from "playing along" maybe once a week and having sex with your poor boyfriend? So what if you don't get off; I'm sure you can find SOMETHING enjoyable about it. Many women don't orgasm during sex. Buy some lube if you need to. This is my suggestion for a temporary fix, until the underlying reason for the low sex drive is fixed (if that ever happens).
BookerT Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Sith Apprentice- Look, I understand you may be trying to be funny or add humor to the post, but I really don't need to hear things like that at the moment. I'm looking for actual advice and people who want to try and help me with my situation. It does not help me to hear that it must suck to be my boyfriend, blah, blah..This is something I am already aware of and what I am trying to fix. Ignore Sith, he's a troll. Speak to a doctor, see if there's any other drug you can shift to that has the same effect on your anxiety, but won't affect your sex drive. sorry, just read your later post. Anyway, that's the best suggestion I have. Hoep your boyfriend hangs in there whilst you find a better drug.
Author smile123 Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Mush- The reason why I started taking the antidepressants was because I suffer from a large amount of anxiety, to the point where it affects my life greatly on a day to day basis. I am not sure what may have caused this problem though, if this is what you were asking. I understand I am still very young and (hopefully!) have a long life ahead of me, which is why I am wondering if I should stop taking the medicine sooner versus later. I definitely can't picture myself taking antidepressants 20 years from now. I will certainly take the time to check out chinese herbal remedies! Thank you for your feedback!
Author smile123 Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Johny M & Dark Farmer- I understand that our views may be different regarding sex and the value of it, and that is fine with me. However, I do not believe that I was brainwashed or anything of that sort. I am just a strong believer that waiting until marriage to have sex is something very special, and it is a bond that you form with the other person. I guess the way I view it is, what if I have sex with him, and then we end up breaking up? For a lot of people, this may not be a big deal, but I want the man who I have sex with to be the man who I marry. So I would appreciate it if you respected my beliefs and opinions about this subject and stop making rude comments such as "become a nun." This is not the constructive feedback I am looking for.
Author smile123 Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Terra- I really appreciate your post! That is something I definitely needed to hear. I have been nervous as to what would happen if I stopped taking the antidepressants eventually, and what kind of affect it would have on my life. Although I understand that each individual reacts differently to situations, it's very encouraging to hear that you're doing okay with your anxiety without the medication!
Author smile123 Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 JustLooking- Just because I don't have sex with my boyfriend doesn't mean that our relationship is doomed and that there aren't times where we both give a little and put up with less-than-perfect situations. Why do you feel as though this statement only applies to sex? We have an amazing and mature relationship compared to the couples our age, and we both are always compromising and sacrificing (both of us; not just one all the time) to make our relationship work. However, when it comes to sex, this is something that is extremely important to me, and I don't want to just have sex to try it as you say. Unlike some of the posters who have responded, my boyfriend understands why this is so important to me, and this isn't the problem with our relationship at all. The problem is, as I mentioned in my first post, that I do not want to do OTHER physical things with him that we used to do.
mushmush Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 keep your head up then, sounds like you are on the right track.. g'luck!
Johnny M Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 (edited) Johny M & Dark Farmer- I understand that our views may be different regarding sex and the value of it, and that is fine with me. However, I do not believe that I was brainwashed or anything of that sort. I am just a strong believer that waiting until marriage to have sex is something very special, and it is a bond that you form with the other person. Did you acquire this belief on your own, without any outside influence, or was it something that you've been taught by your parents, religion, etc? Cause if it's the latter, than yes, you've been brainwashed. And while I'm no psychiatrist, I would venture a guess that your religious/conservative upbringing is the reason you developed anxieties that require anti-depressant medication in the first place. Basically, you just need to loosen up a bit and learn to enjoy life. So I would appreciate it if you respected my beliefs and opinions about this subject and stop making rude comments such as "become a nun." This is not the constructive feedback I am looking for. I'm sorry, but I can't respect your beliefs because they are absurd and lie at the very root of your self-induced "problem". Edited October 28, 2009 by Johnny M
Johnny M Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 We have an amazing and mature relationship compared to the couples our age, and we both are always compromising and sacrificing (both of us; not just one all the time) to make our relationship work. Sacrifices? No joke. Being forced to lead a celibate lifestyle is a pretty big sacrifice, I would say. You do realize that you're not only harming yourself but your BF as well? Abstaining from sex for years on end is a pretty unhealthy thing to do for a sexually mature man. If you keep it up, he'll have to get on anti-depressants too (if he isn't already). Have you thought about that? I have no idea why he goes along with this nonsense....maybe he cares about really deeply or maybe he's just an idiot. In any event, it would probably be in his best interest if you simply dumped him, even if it breaks his heart.
mushmush Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 JM maybe she and her boyfriend just have differnt ideals on whats important in their relationship. Maybe you should learn to respect other peoples views and values on what is important to them. Just because they have differnt view on life than you does not make it wrong. There is nothing wrong with being conservative. I'm conservative in my views on sex but I have never been to church in 20 years and you know the best part about my relationships? It's the actual relationship with the person, the sex is just the iceing on the cake. Give it a few years when you are not being lead around by your dick and you might actually understand what it is like to be in a mature relationship. Seriously grow up.. Yes you are no psychiatrist so cut the phycho babble bull****.
Recommended Posts