oooriotgrrrl Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half and we live together. From the get go it was apparent I had a stronger sex drive. Fast forward to where we are now and it's gotten to the point where I feel like everything is on his terms. I don't feel comfortable even trying to initiate anything anymore and when I do, I get shot down. If I bring the issue up, he gets super defensive and shuts down. He says it's just the way it is and he doesn't think there is anything he can do to change it. I don't know if I can learn to accept that. It's fine if he has a lower sex drive but I feel my sexual power is being stripped away. I want to be able to initiate sex once in a while but I don't know how. Should I just give up and let him continue to call the shots? Thank goodness for masturbation is all I'm saying. It just stinks because I find myself starting to fantasize about other men - some that I know and complete strangers. I can't see myself acting on any of these impulses but it just bothers me because I can remember a time (early in the relationship) when he was all I could see. *sigh*
TheLoneSock Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 I had the same problem with a past girlfriend. I was understanding of her, since she was getting sore, but it is hard. I doubt my situation was as bad as yours is, we were still having sex every other day, I just prefer it a couple of times per day. I think people find that sexual compatibility is a much bigger deal in relationships than previously thought. It's one of the first things I make sure of when I become interested in a girl. You could try sexy outfits, or get him to work out to boost his testosterone. Otherwise you may need to find a guy that needs sex as much as you do.
kiss_andmakeup Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Since you've exhausted all other efforts (initiating sex yourself, talking to him about it) and he just gets bent out of shape when you do, you need to move on. I know that sounds cold but I am the same way - sex is an integral part of a relationship to me and I need it very regularly - and there are so many men out there who DREAM of having a girlfriend with a high sex drive! It sounds like he is unwilling to listen to your point of view or talk about this problem like an adult. I suppose if you really want to make things work you could try seeing a therapist together, but I have a feeling he'd shoot that down to. If he's unwilling to change, move on, sister.
Author oooriotgrrrl Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 I doubt my situation was as bad as yours is, we were still having sex every other day, I just prefer it a couple of times per day. You could try sexy outfits, or get him to work out to boost his testosterone. Otherwise you may need to find a guy that needs sex as much as you do. I have tried the sexy outfits. I've actually walked into his office wearing something super sexy and been shot down before. I would like it every other day but I can live with once or twice a week. Seems like that's not even happening anymore. Oy vey.
TheLoneSock Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 I have tried the sexy outfits. I've actually walked into his office wearing something super sexy and been shot down before. I would like it every other day but I can live with once or twice a week. Seems like that's not even happening anymore. Oy vey. If you're not getting it even once or twice a week anymore, it's TIME to move on. Not only because there are better options out there, but he may be getting it on the side (not trying to worry you). But if a guy is only wanting sex from his girl once a week or later, there is SOMETHING missing.
Author oooriotgrrrl Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 (edited) If you're not getting it even once or twice a week anymore, it's TIME to move on. Not only because there are better options out there, but he may be getting it on the side (not trying to worry you). But if a guy is only wanting sex from his girl once a week or later, there is SOMETHING missing. There's much more to our relationship than sex. We do creative things together (stand up comedy, shooting short films) and we go out a lot. I'm not worried about him being with anyone else because frankly, we spend a lot of time together. He says he's just not in the mood. I think he's stressed out, tired and needs more exercise in his life. But these are things he's going need to work on. The part that bothers me the most is his attitude towards it. I'd be accepting if he were willing to help me brainstorm ways we could remedy the situation. He just seems unwilling and has this attitude like it's my problem, not his. Edited October 27, 2009 by oooriotgrrrl
Sith Apprentice Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Everything on "his terms" is exactly where it should be. With men like us it's our way or the highway, take your pick.
betamanlet Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half and we live together. From the get go it was apparent I had a stronger sex drive. Fast forward to where we are now and it's gotten to the point where I feel like everything is on his terms. I don't feel comfortable even trying to initiate anything anymore and when I do, I get shot down. If I bring the issue up, he gets super defensive and shuts down. He says it's just the way it is and he doesn't think there is anything he can do to change it. I don't know if I can learn to accept that. It's fine if he has a lower sex drive but I feel my sexual power is being stripped away. I want to be able to initiate sex once in a while but I don't know how. Should I just give up and let him continue to call the shots? Thank goodness for masturbation is all I'm saying. It just stinks because I find myself starting to fantasize about other men - some that I know and complete strangers. I can't see myself acting on any of these impulses but it just bothers me because I can remember a time (early in the relationship) when he was all I could see. *sigh* Women ALWAYS want men with a higher sex drive than they have because they can use the sexual power to get things they want. A woman who has a stronger sex drive than her guy has less power over him, hence she will want to seek out a guy with a stronger sex drive to control him with.. Quite honestly, women would rather be with a guy who has such a sex drive he cheats left and right, than a guy she has little sexual power over.
Author oooriotgrrrl Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 (edited) Women ALWAYS want men with a higher sex drive than they have because they can use the sexual power to get things they want. A woman who has a stronger sex drive than her guy has less power over him, hence she will want to seek out a guy with a stronger sex drive to control him with.. Quite honestly, women would rather be with a guy who has such a sex drive he cheats left and right, than a guy she has little sexual power over. I don't want sexual power over him, I would just like sex a little more often and I'd like to be able to initiate things occasionally. Your theory is absurd and illogical. Edited October 28, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
betamanlet Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I hope you're gay because you clearly have issues with women you need to work out. I don't want sexual power over him, I would just like sex a little more often and I'd like to be able to initiate things occasionally. Your theory is absurd and illogical. So I take it you're the only woman in the history of the world who doesn't use sex as a weapon? I'm sure next you'll deny that women control if sex happens or not. Last time I checked, it's rape if she doesn't agree. Hence, women control whether sex happens or not, so they use that to control men. They always have, always will. Don't you read the news? There was some African nation where the women all got together to refuse sex to their husbands until they stopped warring with some other nation.. You don't really believe what you wrote, do you? Maybe you're being dishonest with him as well, as he finds that to be a turnoff?
kiss_andmakeup Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Women ALWAYS want men with a higher sex drive than they have because they can use the sexual power to get things they want. A woman who has a stronger sex drive than her guy has less power over him, hence she will want to seek out a guy with a stronger sex drive to control him with.. Quite honestly, women would rather be with a guy who has such a sex drive he cheats left and right, than a guy she has little sexual power over. This is hysterical. While I'm sure many women do this, this isn't at all what her post was about. She just legitimately wants more sex. I can tell you with complete, 100% honesty that I've never used sex as a weapon, such as withholding when I want something or other crap like that. I need a man with a high sex drive because I like to have a lot of sex. If you truly believe that there aren't women out there who legitimately enjoy sex and that they are all out to control and manipulate you, then you have some serious issues.
cognac Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 You need to understand OP that we men have other things going on in our lives too. I know for sure I have periods in the year where I'll go 1 or 2 weeks without even thinking about sex or caring about it. I think it's pretty dumb to leave him just because you sleep together a couple times a week, sex is the religion of secular societies, it's not that great. I agree it might be a power thing.
betamanlet Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 This is hysterical. While I'm sure many women do this, this isn't at all what her post was about. She just legitimately wants more sex. I can tell you with complete, 100% honesty that I've never used sex as a weapon, such as withholding when I want something or other crap like that. I need a man with a high sex drive because I like to have a lot of sex. If you truly believe that there aren't women out there who legitimately enjoy sex and that they are all out to control and manipulate you, then you have some serious issues. Of course there are women that enjoy sex for sex's sake, however that's not as common as using sex for control purposes. If you ask most married men, they'll say they don't have nearly as much sex as they want to. And very few women would tolerate being with a guy who has a low sex drive, even if these women don't want it as much as you do. They have less power over the man if he doesn't want that much sex.
cognac Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Of course there are women that enjoy sex for sex's sake, however that's not as common as using sex for control purposes. If you ask most married men, they'll say they don't have nearly as much sex as they want to. And very few women would tolerate being with a guy who has a low sex drive, even if these women don't want it as much as you do. They have less power over the man if he doesn't want that much sex. Yes how many times do men have to deal with frigid women and not complain? Yet when it's the other way around (rarely) people throw the book at this poor guy whose probably overwhelmed with a thousand more important things in his life. I don't think this OP has insidious thoughts, but I do feel there is more to it than she says. I think this woman feels that having sex somehow makes her more independent as a woman (it's what they touch young women in high school and college these days) when in reality sex is nothing more than a biological function comparable to drinking a glass of water. Does it matter who pours the glass of water? I don't really think so.
Els Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Women ALWAYS want men with a higher sex drive than they have because they can use the sexual power to get things they want. A woman who has a stronger sex drive than her guy has less power over him, hence she will want to seek out a guy with a stronger sex drive to control him with.. Quite honestly, women would rather be with a guy who has such a sex drive he cheats left and right, than a guy she has little sexual power over. Right, so a woman complaining about her bf not wanting to have sex with her once or twice a week, is whining about losing her sexual power. It has nothing to do with sex and intimacy being an integral part of a relationship, nothing to do with wanting that special closeness, amirite? Alllll about power. :rolleyes: Wonder what you say to men who complain about not getting sex once a week, then? cognac, if you read the boards, people have mainly been very supportive of men who complained about frigid wives, unless a plausible reason is there and very obvious (recent childbirth, pregnancy, UTI, etc). Nobody jumps down their throats the way you and beta jumped down the OP's, honestly.
betamanlet Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Right, so a woman complaining about her bf not wanting to have sex with her once or twice a week, is whining about losing her sexual power. It has nothing to do with sex and intimacy being an integral part of a relationship, nothing to do with wanting that special closeness, amirite? Alllll about power. :rolleyes: Wonder what you say to men who complain about not getting sex once a week, then? cognac, if you read the boards, people have mainly been very supportive of men who complained about frigid wives, unless a plausible reason is there and very obvious (recent childbirth, pregnancy, UTI, etc). Nobody jumps down their throats the way you and beta jumped down the OP's, honestly. And how likely do you think such a relationship will last where the woman wants sex more than the man? How many marriages end because the husband wants sex more than the wife?He still sticks with her. So why is the man expected to put up with not as much sex as he wants, but a woman won't? it's about power. Or suddenly men are much better able ot handle not getting enough sex than women can?
paperchase Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I think mismatched sex drives is a huge problem. You can put up with it, but over the long run it will make you very unhappy and unresolved it will cause a breakup. Sex is so underrated although people say the opposite. Sex, Money and Children are three non-negotiables for long term success in my book. Sex -- how much, how often, how risque, etc. Money -- is it important, who's going to earn it, how to spend or manage, or invest. Children -- do we want them, how many, how to raise. Politics and religion and other stuff can be worked out but it you can't see eye to eye on sex, money and children you might not want to get married.
TaraMaiden Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Try telling a Moslem and a Hindu that religion can be worked out..... More than money, religion can absolutely devastate lives....
Els Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 And how likely do you think such a relationship will last where the woman wants sex more than the man? How many marriages end because the husband wants sex more than the wife?He still sticks with her. So why is the man expected to put up with not as much sex as he wants, but a woman won't? it's about power. Or suddenly men are much better able ot handle not getting enough sex than women can? How many people are telling men to shut up and put up with the husband not getting sex? Even better, how many people tell the husband that he's just pissed cause he's 'losing the power' and it isn't a legitimate need? I don't think anyone who has posted in sympathy to the OP, has ever told a man to put up and shut up. I certainly haven't. And plenty of marriages have ended because of that. I've seen a few on LS. If it truly IS just about power and the woman gets NO enjoyment from sex, all she needs to do is just offer sex LESS than once a week and ta-da, power again! Even better for her, no? :rolleyes:
Els Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Try telling a Moslem and a Hindu that religion can be worked out..... More than money, religion can absolutely devastate lives.... Moslem and Christian would work out even better.
TaraMaiden Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Woooooooooooooooooh, don't even go there..........!
paperchase Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Try telling a Moslem and a Hindu that religion can be worked out..... More than money, religion can absolutely devastate lives.... I was anticipating response like this. No doubt, religious and cultural differences can cause wars. But I'm talking about when two people really love each other what I think are the critical areas they need to agree on. I've seen a Catholic and Jew have a wonderful life together. I've seen people convert religion to make a marriage work. People overcome weight and socio-economic differences. But I've never seen a woman who desperately wanted to have kids be ok with a man who steadfastly did not. I've never seen the long term success of a relationship where one person needed sex twice a day and the other preferred it once a month. Just some examples.
Author oooriotgrrrl Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Yes how many times do men have to deal with frigid women and not complain? Yet when it's the other way around (rarely) people throw the book at this poor guy whose probably overwhelmed with a thousand more important things in his life. I don't think this OP has insidious thoughts, but I do feel there is more to it than she says. I think this woman feels that having sex somehow makes her more independent as a woman (it's what they touch young women in high school and college these days) when in reality sex is nothing more than a biological function comparable to drinking a glass of water. Does it matter who pours the glass of water? I don't really think so. I'm sure he is stressed out or has his mind on other things. That's the conclusion I've came to after we've tried to sort things out. Sex does not make more independent as a woman. It's really pretty simple why I want more sex, because it makes me feel closer to my partner and when we do have sex, it's fantastic. Oh, and I like to have orgasms, too. I want balance, not more control. If balance can't be attained, for whatever reason, then I just want to understand what's going on. I am not going to leave him because of this, like I said earlier, there is way more to our relationship than just sex.
CaliGuy Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 If you've tried to talk to him. If you've done all that you can... Then I say it's time to move on. People with mismatched drives like you two are not going to be compatible in the long run and he'll drive you to cheat.
Author oooriotgrrrl Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 (edited) And how likely do you think such a relationship will last where the woman wants sex more than the man? How many marriages end because the husband wants sex more than the wife?He still sticks with her. So why is the man expected to put up with not as much sex as he wants, but a woman won't? it's about power. Or suddenly men are much better able ot handle not getting enough sex than women can? Who are these people you speak of? These people that are making up this rules that you apparently think the world ascribes to? If I'm right, my impression is that most men who stick with their "frigid wives" just end up cheating on them. And vice versa. I'm not telling him to put out or else I'm walking...I've just never been in this situation before and would like to find out how other people have dealt with this issue. I don't need your backwards logic and misogyny, quite honestly. But, I guess this is what I risk when I open up my life to a public forum. Insanity. Edited October 28, 2009 by oooriotgrrrl
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