Jaspe_Loco Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Just as the title reads. I have asked myself this question many times. Even though we're seemingly on the path to marriage, I'm not sure that I can answer my own question definitively. Before meeting my AP, I had giving up on relationships. I was looking forward to divorce and spending time with my daughter and myself. I had long given up hope being in love. It's an awesome feeling being in love and being loved by someone, but it also puts me a vulnerable position that I've never been before. It is scary at times.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 No. even though it ended tragically and i am now questioning the validity of the entire thing, No. I did love him, the times we had were precious. And in the moment were beautiful. I regret most parts of it, but still I dont want to forget those memories.
tami-chan Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 No. A wonderful man asked me to listen to this song the other day. It is a song by Rascal Flatts entitled "Bless this Broken Road". I am not a country music fan but the lyrics of this song resonated with me. Here's part of the lyrics: "I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you But you just smile and take my hand You've been there you understand It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true" So no erasing...I am here because of a "grander plan"....
NowhereToHide Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Yes, yes and... yes. I would LOVE to erase the memories. I would love to not even know that he ever existed. I would love to not remember what it was like to be with him. That said, I have gained a greater insight into myself from my A. But, since my xAP didn't turn out to be the man I originally thought, I wish I could just erase him from my mind.
MizzBlue72 Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 No - not at all. I wouldn't erase a minute of it. Even thought it has been tough, it helped me be where I am today.
Samantha0905 Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 No, I still love him and miss him. I want him to be happy and hate to think of that happening without me in his life. It sucks, but I still in no way want to erase the memories. They are some of the best memories in my life.
Devil Inside Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 You know what...even though there may be times where the pain of ending the relationship was difficult...and I would have wanted to do a little Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind action...I wouldn't. My xAP in many ways changed me. She showed me that I had a capacity to love deeply and freely and on a whole different level then I thought possible. No matter what...she will always be one of my favorite people of all time. Why would I want to forget someone like that?
tami-chan Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 .....and I would have wanted to do a little Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind action... funny! She showed me that I had a capacity to love deeply and freely and on a whole different level then I thought possible. Wow, really. Lucky woman who comes after her, eh? Why would I want to forget someone like that? nah...maybe you do not have to WANT to forget....maybe you will JUST forget her....or at least the feelings you felt...no?
Fallen Angel Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 NO, my AP is my best friend, and despite all the pain that has been, and is yet to be... I would hate to think that I could have lived my life without knowing him. I always felt something was missing in my life, I was always searching for someone/something that could make me feel complete, and long before we were in any sort of affair, just his friendship filled that void. His soul completed mine. I know it sounds corny, but it felt true then, and still feels true today. I would never want to forget how it feels to finally feel "finished" rather than walking around feeling like a book whose last ten pages are missing.
someonesangel Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 (edited) This question just makes me sad. There have been times through the pain I wish I could forget, even just for a bit, a little relief. But to hear someone ask and to ask myself " If given the chance, would I erase it and him" No way. In fact had I known it was going to end when it did, I would have absorbed every moment even more if that is possible than I did. I think about our last real time together and we had gone toy shopping and drinks and all I can think now is give me those extra hours back, because had I known it would be our last evening - I would spent it as physically close as possible and enjoyed every moment. Can't go back and as painful as it is right now, I wouldn't give up once second, not even the mini arguments following our DDay. I love talking to him, even if I am giving him a "Hun" - lol. I too miss my friend, I miss the man that knew how to center me and knew when to just be. We were great at just "being" together. I remember writing emails or a text and feeling him so strongly. I still get the overwhelming feeling and it still takes my breath away. Sadly almost 4 months post DDay - I can only hope it gets better but I am honest - I don't know if I will ever experience that again nor do I even know if I want to. Edited October 27, 2009 by someonesangel
torranceshipman Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Yes, in that I cringe when I think about falling for such a smileball, lol. No, because it taught me a lot about boundaries and how there is no exception that justifies bending them, how much someone can lie, etc-a very interesting experience in learning about human nature, really...and it makes me appreciate a wonderful single guy with integrity even more
skylarblue Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Absolutely not. It’s been pretty much all I hoped and more. Originally Posted by JumpinJimmy Good visual memories. I concur.
Spoiled Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Never do I want our memories shared to be erased. The chemistry was all so new to me and we were friends for 12 years. I recall meeting him for lunch and him helping me around my place prior to our marriages. Our innocent conversations and all the support we provided each other years ago. The loss of our once innocent friendship hurts me far more than anything else. I wanted to call him a jerk and tried to believe maybe he just used me, but I do not feel it is true. We refrained from "feeding" each other many lines I read throughout these posts. When we had the opportunity years ago, we should have taken the chance. Breaking off engagements and no children would have been far more easier than this situation.
confusedinkansas Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Some days YES & Some days NO Sometimes the memories creep in when I least expect them & BAM..I'm thinking about him all over again. I did love him. Very much! The majority of the memories are very nice ones - good times! There are days I wonder how he is, how are his kids? But I know that I can't go back there. Even if we were both single, I still wouldn't go back to him. & the good thing is "LIfe Goes On"
wheelwright Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 The memories and the feelings are tied up. When I was in a very painful place during the A I thought that it would be so much better if I didn't have the feelings. But I know if there were a cord I could have cut to not feel them, I couldn't have done it. It would have been killing something so full of beauty and life that the thought felt barbaric. NC feels barbaric, as does the pain facing the two families involved. The unselfish me would erase it all, but I would be erasing the most intimate, passionate memories of my life. Glad I don't have to make that choice.
skywriter Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Absolutely yes I would erase the memories. In fact, it's too bad that I can't push rewind and erase the entire A.
HisSweetThing Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Never. I have felt feelings and emotions I didn't even know I was capable of having. We are still in the affair, but I don't think my answer to this question will ever change. The times I've shared with him have been the best times of my life.
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 There's a lot of great responses here. I''m not surprised that they are overwhelmingly for not erasing memories of APs. As I said in my OP, I love my AP and I love being loved by her. She has been patient, understanding, and supportive of the hardships I've been through for the last three years. I guess my problems lies within the affair itself. I beginning to think that I was damaged goods before I met her and that the affair itself has damaged me even more. The actions that I've taken to maintain this affair were not in my character before the A, or at least I never realized they were. In that sense, I wonder sometimes if I would be better off if I could erase the memories of my A. Maybe she'd even be better off.
skywriter Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Jaspe said; guess my problems lies within the affair itself. I beginning to think that I was damaged goods before I met her and that the affair itself has damaged me even more. The actions that I've taken to maintain this affair were not in my character before the A, or at least I never realized they were. In that sense, I wonder sometimes if I would be better off if I could erase the memories of my A. Maybe she'd even be better off. I couldn't have said it better myself, Jaspe. The actions I have taken to maintain this affair were not in my character before the A, either.
ladydesigner Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 I would not erase the memories of my AP. They mean too much to me, still do. We were great friends before the A began and after, but I could not detach from my feelings for him and had to go NC. As one person stated above NC absolutely feels barbaric to me. I know it is the only way to move on, but kills me inside that I had to permanently sever ties with him. My AP showered me with words and support that no man has ever done with me. I miss him terribly. He was my rock when I needed him and he always responded when I was in great pain. We shared so many similarities in our views and likes and dislikes. He was like a "soulmate" to me. I would say a very important "soulmate." I know many here do not believe in it but I truly felt a connection with my AP that I have never felt in my entire life, H included. I could never let memories like that go. Like DI said I feel my AP was one of the most important and significant people in my lifetime.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 No. even though it ended tragically and i am now questioning the validity of the entire thing, No. I did love him, the times we had were precious. I would not erase the memories of my AP. They mean too much to me, still do. and this is just but one reason I will say no good can come from staying with someone who cheated. there is no way I'm going to settle for being with someone that has fond memories of being with someone they betrayed me with.
OpenBook Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Absolutely Yes, I would erase the memories if I could. And the actions. And the behavior. All of it. If only I could wipe the slate completely clean. I wish I'd never met him at all.
ContemplatingTheEnd Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 The actions that I've taken to maintain this affair were not in my character before the A, or at least I never realized they were. In that sense, I wonder sometimes if I would be better off if I could erase the memories of my A. Maybe she'd even be better off. Yes, this is one of the reasons why I would erase the memories. I have evolved into a person who, at least on a certain level, I don't respect anymore. As someone said on here several months ago, you lose your integrity being in an affair and you don't notice it's gone until, well, it's gone. And, as some other posters on here have said, I wish I could push the rewind button and have the A never happen. I think it depends somewhat on where people are coming from when they answer this question. Some have said they have never felt this way before. I am not married and 12 years younger than my MM. I have always known I was going down a dead-end road with this affair. So, while I have never felt this way before, I am young. I could (and hopefully still will) feel this way with an available man. Why I've chosen one who is not is beyond me. I'm still working that out in my twisted head. When I'm finally done ending it (attempting to go NC, not being so successful), I will recall the memories with him with sadness, regret, guilt and nostalgia. But, I really don't think I can see these memories -- that are based on a lie and a secret -- in any fond light.
CarbonCopy Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 This post made me start crying, I don't know why... Would I erase the memories? Honestly, I don't think I would. It didn't end well and I'm still hurt and it's horrible having to see him every week, but I don't think I'll ever forget the times we spent together. He made me feel alive, he made feel happy, and we spent a lot of good times together. But I don't know if the eventual hurt and tears are really worth it in the end. Tough question...
Recommended Posts