newly involved with a married man...can their be a positive ending for us?

[virgo2004]

I think my mother found this posting and was reading it. My parents do not know he is married...or didn't know.

 

Now what? How do I tell them? What do I tell them? HELP!!!

 

Just when I think things might be controllable something else happens.

 

Also, I understand the negative reactions about him cheating. But what about me? I am part of this situation too. I know it is wrong but I cant stop. I am confused about what to do because of morals and the other people involved. This is why it is soooooo stressful and conflicting.

 

I do not know how anyone will react when I tell them. I don't even know where to begin.

 

Any suggestions?!?!?!

[AllyKat]

I doubt they will be happy, with him or you. I do not really understand why you would bring a man to your parents house if he were married!? But, you need to talk to your parents, maybe they would have advice for you?

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by Tony

"newly involved with a married man...can their be a positive ending for us?"

 

No!

 

I'll echo that NO!

 

 

Think about the people you will be hurting - including yourself. If this guy was serious about you he would leave his wife immediately and stop seeing you until he was FREE to do so.

[jenny]

if you have not done so already, PM bark about your story - he'll give you the skinny on how realistic your expectations might be, what specifically to do about your situation, and he'll offer some sympathy to boot.

[virgo2004]

he is leaving his wife. i am going to meet his parents next week. why am i still mad? is it bc our relationship is starting off on a bad note? is it because he doesn't understand how hard it is for me to be doing this?

 

i have never been so indecisive in my life. i cannot figure anything out. nothing makes sense.

 

anyone been here before that can help me out??

 

i think he is making this out to be much easier than it is....or am i making it harder than it is?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

[Kat]

If you are ashamed of your actions and his to the point where you are scared of teling your parents, then how can you honestly think this will turn out positive?

[Skittles]

he is leaving his wife. i am going to meet his parents next week. why am i still mad? is it bc our relationship is starting off on a bad note? is it because he doesn't understand how hard it is for me to be doing this?

 

I am not following ..Pocket...who are you mad at?

[Kat]

Originally posted by Skittles

I am not following ..Pocket...who are you mad at?

 

Sounds like she is mad at him. Another sign it can't be very positive

[virgo2004]

i am getting what i want. he is taking a job closer to me. he is leaving her. i am meeting his parents. what am i not overjoyed? we just talked and what he says does not make me happy.

 

i do not understand why.

 

i should be happy. i want to be.

 

maybe it hasnt sunk in yet...

[meanon]

Could be it hasn't sunk in yet, could be you don't really believe it will happen, could be you can't live with the guilt, could be that he was more attractive when he was unattainable.

[Skittles]

Originally posted by pocketranger

i am getting what i want. he is taking a job closer to me. he is leaving her. i am meeting his parents. what am i not overjoyed? we just talked and what he says does not make me happy.

 

i do not understand why.

 

i should be happy. i want to be.

 

maybe it hasnt sunk in yet...

 

 

Pocket, is the divorce official as in legal papers signed?.......

 

Hmm....I can't figure out off the top of my head why you aren't happy....do you think that your happiness is marred by how you came together........Do you feel bad about his soon to be ex-wife?........You had mentioned something before about being mad..What he says does not make me happy...What do you mean by that?

 

Are you too stressed out over the whole scenario to be contented just yet?

 

You know imo, if you love him, it might make you feel less angry if you move forward and give in to the love, desire, passion and belief that you two belong together...Isn't that what brought you and your man into this to begin with?

[hurtinrealbad]

Sorry to say, but you're only setting yourself up for failure and heartache.

[ziggue]

Originally posted by pocketranger

i am getting what i want. he is taking a job closer to me. he is leaving her. i am meeting his parents. what am i not overjoyed? we just talked and what he says does not make me happy.

 

You probably feel guilty about meeting his parents while he is still technically married. Even though he may be seperated from his wife. You are probably worried about what they are gonna think of you. That they are gonna blame you for what happened to their sons marriage and take it out on you maybe?

 

I doubt they would do that but.

 

I think it's too soon for you to meet his parents and it would be pretty awkward. Not untill the divorce papers are signed at least.

 

I could'nt be in this situation. I would be scared to death and paranoid the same thing would happen to me if I married him a couple of years later.

[corp17]

First of all, learn some respect for yourself. Stop seeing him, he is married. He has vowed to God, himself, and his wife to love and honor his wife. Although he is crap for cheating, he needs to work out his marriage or end it. And you being there isn't helping matters. There are millions of single guys out there, why on earth would you pick a married one?

[lipglossboost]

Very likely not ... each situation is unique, however, I personally would never be able to trust a man who had an affair with me. Even if he leaves his wife and eventually marries you, (which is extremely, extremely rare,) I believe there will be serious trust issues in the future, which could very well rip you apart, after everything you went through to be together.

 

Right now you are concentrating on whether or not he will leave his wife, making the space available for you, when what you should be thinking about is whether you really want that space with a man like this. It's too easy to concentrate on 'fighting' for your man, 'winning' against the wife. Put all that aside and give yourself the advice you would give a trusted friend or family member. Be honest with yourself here. That is the only way you will find the answers you seek.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by meanon

could be that he was more attractive when he was unattainable.

 

My opinion EXACTLY! Oftentimes, affairs are used as bandaides by people who are not prone to 'commit'. They WANT to participate in the whole love feeling.....but not as deeply as other folks do. An affair is a safe place for them.

 

I doubt it's true in ALL cases....but I bet it's true in a great many of them.

[brandilynn222]

hi just thought id let you in on sometuff.....i am sort of in your situation right now....i got involved with soemone who was mrried for a year they have a kid together...l we spent the most wonderful six monthes together..saw each other every weekend and even went to meet his family over thanksgiving...he doesnt live with her and he signed seperation papers (would have got a divorce if they had no fault divorces in NY) but anyways he is also in the army and got orders to be restationed for three years about 3000 miles away....YEAH total bummer....well i offered to go with him and he said he would like me too except one prob...the baby....well now he is trying to make things work with his wife so that he can take his son to alaska with him...(pretty bad a 7 month old has baggage ....sounds bad for me huh....well it is its the absolute worst considering i gave up college to move in with him....so anyways dont be discouraged though b.c i have known many people that have been in this situtaion and they all have happy endings.....what you need to do is tell him if he wants to be with you then ask him to atleat s get a seperation agreement....for one it doesnt cost as much as a divorce and too if things dont work out for you two he can have the satisfaction of knowing he isnt totally divorced from his wife.....on the wifes hand he needs to tell her that he needs to explore and see if thier marraige is really what he wants.....sure she will be hurt but she wont stop loving him and will moire than likely get back together with him if you two should break up......she will know that its not completely over if they just get legally seperated...this will also give him time to sort out his feelings for you and her and decide which ones he wants to act upon......

 

you got lucky they have no kids so he wont be with her just for the kid (liek in my case) but i dont want you to give up on this guy b/c if you truely care about him then things will work out in the end.....you know its better to try and fail then to never know what can become of soemthing......give it a chance....see what he does.....and as much as it hurts if he chooses not to leave his wife then let it go......atleast you followed your heart and put up a fight for what you want.....

 

i do sincerly wish you the best of luck in this situation.....you just have to remeber guys are soo consfused about love they never know what they want and when they do they have a hard time expressing it ...i even did a paper on it at college lol......

 

my "married man" is coming down tommarow after spending the holidays with his son and the wife.....so we can talk...so if it can work for me (esp w/ the child involved) then i have faith in your situation.....WISH ME LUCK!!!!!

 

and if you need anyone to talk to just fell free to message me....im sure im not as smart as the other ppl on here but i know how you are feelign b/c i feel the same.

[kkat]

Dear PocketRanger-

 

Jump over to my post -- "Should I tell his wife" - and read my story and the great advice I received here.

 

I have many friends who are in successful marriages that started as affairs - and I held onto that fact as evidence that there could be a happy ending. But my situation didn't turn out that way, and the reality is that most of them don't.

 

As I should have learned the first time around, if they want to leave badly enough, and are strong enough to do it, they will leave. If not, you'll be hanging on indefinitely, throwing good time after bad.

 

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation and hope you can find the strength to get out sooner than I did. Good luck!

[ChikyBoom]

Well, pocket, you seem to be getting some pretty hostile and negative feedback from the masses. I am an older woman (56) divorced for 15 years, and for the last 9 of those years have been in love and involved with a married man online. After 8 years, we finally were able to meet, and the earth not only moved, the universe shook!

 

As a sister mistress, let me share with you several coping strategies that I have used to get me through these last nine years.

 

1. Keep him compart"men"talized. Keep your relationship with him and your feelings for him in a small compartment in the corner of your life. Never let him become your life. Make sure your life is filled with a variety of other things (family, friends, interests, work) that can keep you busy in between his visits. Never let his compartment bleed into the rest of your life. If the relationship doesn't work out, it only blows a small hole in your life as opposed to blowing it away!

 

2. EXPECT NOTHING. Think of yourself as having a terminal disease. LIVE FOR TODAY. When you are with him, live for the moment. Do not expect a future with this man, and why should you? There are no guarantees in any relationship, single or otherwise. So just enjoy what you have and wring every pleasure out of every moment you are together. If you expect nothing from him, you will make no demands on him and are free to just enjoy the physical and emotional bonding. Whenever your mind starts drifting off imagining him leaving his wife and spending the rest of your lives together - STOP. Do NOT allow those thoughts to fill your head. Substitute those ideas with warm memories of your last time together and be happy for what you had and have and don't look to the future for anything.

 

3. Don't stop dating other men. While they may not be the lover or the soul-mate that your married man is, they are still good company and it's always keeping your options open.

 

I hope these things help you cope a bit. Remember, no relationship is guaranteed. If this guy were single, he could still dump you or leave YOU for another woman.

 

Lastly, remember these two things...

 

If you can't own.. it's still nice to rent!

 

Camilla Parker-Bowles got her man!

[jester]

Well, pocket, you seem to be getting some pretty hostile and negative feedback from the masses.

 

 

You haven't seen the half of it!

 

Good coping advice, ChikyBoom.

 

I like your post. I hope you choose to stick around.

[moimeme]

Sure. Let's start a whole cheering section.

[Skittles]

ChikyBoom, those were some interesting survival tips you passed on to pocketranger...Reminds me of the book the "Fifty-Mile Rule".

 

I have mentioned on more than one thread that I have a relative who met her husband while he was married; they are now married and share 5 kids between them.

 

Like a few of our posters said, each situation is different and yeah sometimes affairs do lead to heartbreak.

 

I really don't believe that folks are chasing down our "other women" with pick-axes however, though I have seen some vitriolic posts against the ow that were downright nasty. I get the sense that the core of LS posters, our best contributors, truly have the welfare of the other man/woman in mind. Some of us are protective while others are granting guilt-free happiness...whatever works for the thread-bearer (couldn't resist that )....

 

And in the end only she will decide what decisions to make after all of our wind-bag responses scroll into obscurity....mine included

[kiki]

where are you pocketranger? I left you two private messages.

 

kiki

[virgo2004]

im still here. i have been trying to deal with what is happening.

 

he is getting divorced...its almost over. but its still hard. he isnt telling me everything that is happening and i dont want to know it all. its ugly and i shouldnt be involved in everything. its between him and his wife.

 

but she is emailing and calling me wanting an explanation and apology. i am sorry for what has happened but i dont think i can make a difference. she should be focused on him and not me. i dont know what to tell her.

 

i am trying now to fix the things in my life that are wrong. i am slowly telling family and friends what has happened. they support me but i know i let them down by not telling them in the first place. it was hard bc i felt so alone, that no one would understand.

 

i am trying not to make this situation the focus of my life anymore. i am trying to move on and pick up where i let things slide. its not easy but i will make it through.

 

what is going to happen with us, i dont know. but at least now we have a real chance to have something. we have to get to really know each other. before our focus was always on what was wrong.

 

i am scared but i am learning from my mistakes and that is all i can hope for.

 

(sorry for not pm'ing, i just found them on my profile)

[Skittles]

but she is emailing and calling me wanting an explanation and apology. i am sorry for what has happened but i dont think i can make a difference. she should be focused on him and not me. i dont know what to tell her.

 

HI Pocket...Wow...things are boiling over now, aren't they. I get the feeling that his wife will always blame you for causing the break-up, if that is what happens...I'm thinking that she is focusing on you and him and trying to sort out what, when and why. I feel bad for her, and for you..Heck for all three because your man didn't have the discipline to sort our his marital woes prior to having a relationship with you...so he is a confused puppy too which leads me to say this.

 

He is not divorced until he is legally divorced...Lots of reconciliations happen under these circumstances, so please keep that in mind.

 

It is not your job to counsel his wife, but at the same time, I can understand why she would want an apology or something from you...I'm not suggesting you give her any verbal explanations...just that this is not unusual behavior on her part...She feels like she was hit by a Mack Truck...."I don't know what to tell you"..is probably an accurate thing to say, because it is honest...nothing you can say to her will bring her relief or satisfaction... You can apologize to her, this will make her rage...You can say you love him...this will make her furious and breakdown......this lady has some grieving to do.

 

And I believe you are not happy about his impending "freedom", because it has come about in such a painful way.

 

At this point in time, imo, tending to your business and taking stock is all you can do...

Things will improve eventually...time has a way of doing that....but still take care of yourself because part 2 of this major life event is just unfolding...

 

 

 

I wish you luck Pocket..