newly involved with a married man...can their be a positive ending for us?

[virgo2004]

I started a relationship with a married man about four months ago. I am 24 years old. He is 27. He has been married for 5 years, no kids. He met my family.

 

I just want to talk to others who are going through the same thing. I feel so alone. My conscious tells me to leave...my heart to stay. How do I survive?

 

Can I believe that he will end up with me?? I have been searching the internet for a long time and find very little evidence that it can work or advice for the "other" woman. I know this is not an easy road to take. Can there be a positive ending for us?

[Summerday]

I know you don't want to hear negativity about what you are doing, but it's better that you know now that there is never a happy ending to an affair. Someone always ends up hurt. Put yourself in his wife's place. I think you know what the answer is anyway. I hope you make the best choice for yourself and everyone else involved.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by pocketranger

He has been married for 5 years, no kids.

 

 

Well Pocket...let's start with THIS question. If he's been unhappily married for 5 years and there are NO CHILDREN....why hasn't he left before now?

 

I'm certainly not passing judgment. I want you to really dig into your heart though....and see what you can come up with for a suitable answer...not for ME....but for YOURSELF!

 

Once you have an answer you are happy with...post again and let's explore this type of relationship a little deeper. Each has it's own dynamics during.....but ALMOST ALWAYS has the same ending afterward.

 

I'll keep checking back on your post. I DO care about your feelings. Not ALL affairs are lethal, but most which incorporate promises and love can turn your world upside down.

 

......and there is a Wife's feelings to consider. She won't get thru this unscathed either.......

[Abdel]

Why don't you follow your conscious[sic]( conscience) then?. I think that is far better for you and your family before you will be in his wife's position a few years later.

[Fancy]

Sometimes the worst decisions in life are made with your heart. You know this guy is a dead end, yet you're refusing to listen to your common sense. The chances of him ever leaving his wife for you and the two of you living happily ever after are slim to none. You're a young woman and there's still lots and lots of single men out there. Why settle for the scraps in life when you can have the whole buffet? If you settle for second best that's exactly what you'll get. Not to mention the fact that karma can bite you in the butt very badly........

 

There are no children in this equation to keep him tied to his wife. If he loved you, he'd be with you. Period.

[Tony T]

"newly involved with a married man...can their be a positive ending for us?"

 

No!

[meanon]

The replies you have received reflect the fact that no-one will feel comfortable appearing to condone anything they feel is wrong or that causes so much heart ache. Yet the fact remains that many relationships begin as affairs. I know of many happily married couples with families whose relationships began life as an affair. I am not condoning anything just making an observation based on my experience. In most cases the people involved ended their relationships with other people fairly quickly . It sounds as though you are finding it difficult to live with your conduct at the moment so that would suggest you should end the affair. What he then does is up to him.

 

Can there be a positive ending? For you possibly but I think you may have to end the affair to find out and probably there is no more likelihood of a positive ending if you did this later rather than sooner. Other benefits of acting sooner are that if he chooses to stay with his wife you will know where you stand and not waste any more time on this man and his marriage also stands a better chance if the affair ends as soon as possible.

[virgo2004]

I love this man and I am confused. I do not know much about his wife or current home situation. He did tell me he talked about a divorce with his wife and she told him they would make better business partners anyway. I do not know how serious this conversation was.

 

I believe him when he tells me that things will work out in the end. I just don't know how long to wait. I do not want to put pressure on him yet this situation sucks.

 

He is coming to visit me in a few days and I would like to be able to have a serious conversation face to face and figure something out. We talk on the phone everyday and when I speak to him he reassures me that we will be happy.

 

How much time does he need to leave her??

[lost_in_chgo]

He needs enuf time to pack a bag.

Ask him what the delay is. Make him clarify all of your concerns.

He may be trying to make sure that your relationship isn't just a fling, but you have to set a time limit or this will go on forever.

 

The business partner thing sounds like there might be financial reasons and that they both know it is over. Do you know if they have an arrangement for an open marriage? If they do, he probably doesn't have any intention of leaving her, you're just one of the alternate partners and she doesn't care.

 

He has to have a reason for staying and a reason for cheating, so find out what those are and go from there.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by pocketranger

He did tell me he talked about a divorce with his wife

 

So this wonderful man who has found you to be his "soulmate" and the "love of his life"...has MET your family, wants to spend time with you and assures you things will work out...........Has SPOKEN about a divorce with his wife but has not bothered to FILE for a divorce?

 

Even if he's in the marriage for the sole purpose of "joint finances".....it is NOT an acceptable excuse. I'm not even going to suggest he doesn't mean what he is saying to you about his feelings for you. I truly believe these guys fall in love in some capacity. However, I don't care how much he loves you and how much you mean to him....he ISN'T going to get a divorce.

 

His next line to you will be:

She's gotten herself pregnant....the ONE time in a year he slept with her....and he needs to stay and support her.

They are in the middle of a financial situation business wise and he needs to hold on a little longer to make it work.

Her Grandmother died.

The Dog is sick.

Hell, he'll have story after story as long as you are willing to listen to them. The longer you listen...the more you will love him....and next thing you know....this thing is so big and so bad.....you'll feel like slamming your head in the oven!!!

 

But by then you've invested so much time and love into the mess....you keep hanging on "just a little longer".

 

What should you do?? Tell him you love him very much....but love him tooo much to share him. Remind him that he may very well love you.....but OBVIOUSLY not enough to give you his name.

 

I'm telling you this as a FRIEND. It won't change where your heart is at. It never does. But long after this day....you'll think about all of this....and wish you had gotten out early on.

 

Loving a married man is a nose dive into Hell!

[Fancy]

Arabess, you're a very wise lady! I hope she'll listen....

[virgo2004]

My hope is that when we are together he tells me his plan. The plan would be that he is leaving her with evidence that he is doing so. I know that I will not be able to handle this situation much longer anyway. I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. I just think it will be better to be together when these decisions are made.

[Arabess]

Why.....thanks Fancy.

 

If I were a REALLY wise woman....I would not have so much KNOWLEDGE in this area!! LOL!

[LiveAndLearn]

Just read through the thread and thought I would add my 2 cents, so here goes:

 

First, I was in your situation, but I was married with one child at the time. I wasn't getting attention at home and fell in love with another man. He wasn't married, but he had a girlfriend and they had been together for ten years and had no kids. To make an extremely long story shorter, for almost two years he DID use every excuse not to leave his girlfriend, Arabess knows what she is talking about when she wrote that (I seriously had to laugh about the Dog getting sick, because he used that one too!) But with me he started using the fact that I was still married as one of them (we originally talked about leaving our significant others at the same time, I was waiting on the OK from him). So, I filed for divorce, showed him the paperwork and thought that he would finally leave his girlfriend.

 

WRONG! He just started to make up more excuses. I left my husband for this guy and he still wouldn't step up to the plate. As much as I loved this guy, I just told him to go away and I ended it. It takes a strong person to walk away and somehow I made myself do it. I had to. I don't believe that this guy never meant anything he told me, I am sure that he did love me and he could see us together. But, he had someone he loved more and wanted to be with her also. Because he didn't leave her, I know that it just wasn't meant to be. I am not upset with the fact I ended it, because I am pretty sure I would still be waiting by the phone for one excuse after another as to why he couldn't be with me.

 

I am not trying to throw you negative advice, I am just trying to tell you that if you tell him it's over until he leaves her and he doesn't leave, it simply wasn't meant to be. And the sooner you tell him this the less pain you will have to endure.

 

I look back on my situation as a learning experience and I will never EVER go near a person that is involved with someone else again (married or not). It just isn't worth the time or energy. I have seen good relationships that had started out as affairs also, but I have seen more that ended ugly.

 

Good Luck.

[GoodnPlenty]

These are all good posts pocketranger, if not a little disheartening to you ....

 

 

I have jumped in on cheating threads before and have sometimes been a little rough on not the poster, but as a response to descriptions of the OW/OM abusing the already victimized spouse.

 

It just sets me off.

 

Like the others said, it's not the best idea to get involved with someone already involved...But once you're in what next?

 

IF you aren't strong enough to run away from him with the thought that you would be saving three people truckloads of pain, and must let love rule the day instead, I suggest that you REFRAIN from sex and as suggested ask that he take some action towards your relationship, give a time line and STICK to it.

 

because....what he tells you =0.......what he does says it all.

[virgo2004]

Thanks for all the advice. I never thought that I would find myself in this situation. But here I am.

 

I am now going to focus on what is going to happen when we see each other in a few days. I have to figure out what I am going to tell him. He told me last nite when we see each other he is telling me the plan for our future. He could tell I was upset, again, and he always ends up making me feel better.

 

I just am glad to know that I am not the only one going through this. Thanks for listening and offering your advice. I feel so alone and only a few of my friends know what is going on.

[Polyana]

I could sit here and write you a long, long, long list of how lucky and blessed you are to have found this place at this point, and had the courage to seek advice.

I have been roaming the threads on here for months, but this is my first post ever, ranger. I feel strongly about the stage you are at with this person, because I wish so hard that I could rewind to when I was about to have that "future plans" talk, and wish harder that I had found this place and these people to discourage me at the stage of the "critical conversation". I would have been my happy, confident, ambitious old self. But I am not.

 

So please read this, and think.

 

You've taken a really good step to write here, but I just sense that you are too open to discussion with him (and compromise) and ever so willing to listen to what he has to say to you when he visits. This is OK, BUUUUT!!! - you have to be very very very clear on what YOU want, what YOUR limits are, what YOUR conditions are, what YOUR expectations are.

 

This is the kind of thing you have to say to him:

As a crudely basic example, this could be something like this:

 

1. You want a healthy, committed relationship with someone who "belongs" to you.

2. You will NOT wait forever. If there is waiting, you want to see evidence of a reasonably close deadline

3. Conditions: This is entirely yours to filll in

4. Expectations: He will get a divorce in a timely manner and be with you in a committed relationship.

 

 

If you fail to communicate this to him (and more importantly, to yourself!), Pocketranger, then he might be able to turn around and twist all of the gaps that you left and extract himself from it all, or just keep playing.

 

But what is as important is of course what he is going to say...

 

You said you don't know much about his situation, and this is a bad sign. If he is cagey and avoids/refuses talking about it, then you should see a big red flag waving right in front of you. Something is not right, and you don't need to know what it is. Avoid details. It just means, something is not right, and certainly not right for you.

 

If you don't know because you haven't asked, then take the opportunity to ask.

 

Has this person had affairs before? If yes, then please don't fool yourself into thinking you are any different. Try to establish history patterns from your conversation with him.

 

 

You said you don't want to pressure him, and this is considerate of you, but pleeeeaaase, don't put his circumstances above yours. YOU are the priority, not him, not anyone else.

 

One little compromise or agreement to "wait" for whatever he might promise you, and you will be on the rollercoaster, and he won't stop it, and he won't let you off it, and he won't even be riding on it with you - even if you think he is. You said it yourself, he always ends up making you feel better. Well, that is what they try to do. But it is just an anaesthetic......

 

He is on very stable ground, controlling it, and occasionally he might jump in and ride with you. You think the rollercoaster has stopped just because he's riding with you, but it hasn't. He'll get off whenever he wants to, providing you with excuses that others have given you examples of, leaving you with all those thoughts and speculations that are running through your head right now.

Everything will be under HIS control. All of the leverage. He will control the speed, he will control the view, he will control where to stop the ride so you can see whatever HE wants you to see.

Everything will be in his court, under his rules, at his convenience, at his own pace, and you will accept it all, because you gave him that first chance, and justified his circumstances to yourself.

 

He can say what he wants to make you feel better, he'll give you that anaesthetic I told you about, to numb your senses a little, or that anti-sickness pill, and you'll misinterpret that as "care" and "love".

 

You're at such an advantage now....you just don't know it. You DO have options. You're not stuck in there. You aren't deeply involved with him - even if you think you are. A few months is nothing. Most of the people here have experienced longer periods of confusion and expectations...and nothing happened in the end. Nothing apart from all the pain that you have read about, and that you will experience if you don't get out at this stage.

 

 

I'm trying to be objective, like most of the admirable people here are...but it is difficult.

 

Nobody would want to dampen your spirits or optimism IF this were a healthy scenario of two people wanting to be with each other. But this is not healthy. It really isn't.

 

Life is too short ranger girl, and it isn't worth wasting trying to get off that rollercoaster. If you agree to wait, or agree to have an undefined relationship because you don't want to pressure him, etc, then later on, you will not have the courage to jump off....because you'll be too high up there and too scared of missing that adrenaline rush that it gives.

 

Whatever the conversation holds, don't agree to anything. Listen, question, discuss, but tell him you need to think about it. And then do exactly that!. Take a few steps back and look at the situation. Read what everyone has said to you, read other people's experiences again and again. And see for yourself how utterly useless it is to pursue someone who is in another relationship - no matter how unhappy he claims he is. He isn't a 12 year old kid, and no-one has a gun to his head. If he was so unhappy, he could have left. The problem is that if he has been married from an age like 22, then it is likely that he is used to her. Being used to someone is a killer. He could be bored and unhappy, but he could be used to it and it's his comfort zone. Why should he leave?

 

If anything he says sounds too good to be true, then it probably is. If something he says is too vague, then beware. If something he says sounds dodgy to you, trust your instincts. Stay balanced and objective.

 

Look both ways, listen to everything around you - your heart, your mind, other people's advice, and then decide if you want to cross to his side to what might look like greener pastures, or stay on this side of the road and cross at a later stage with someone worthwhile holding your hold.

 

Don't compromise what life has given you a right to seek - and that is a committed partner and companion.

 

Don't give blind desire or temporarily bad judgement a chance to take away what you will most certainly lose if you get tangled up - and that is your self-resepect and dignity.

 

Don't risk losing your sense of direction towards the most precious property you own - and that is YOU.

 

x

P.

[virgo2004]

Thanks Polyana, for taking the time to help someone like me. I will take your advice to heart and be firm with taking care of myself. I do deserve to have someone "hold my hand" when i cross that road. I know I cant do it myself.

 

I feel more sure of myself than I have in a while. I know this relationship is changing me. I just hope I do the best thing for me.

 

I think stepping back will be the best thing. If it is meant to be it will happen. I just do not want to be in the middle of this anymore. I just have a hard time expressing/explaining myself with the things that matter most.

 

Keep your fingers crossed for me!!

[clearingclouds]

I'm kind of in a similar situation... do you care to share how this has progressed? It might help me if I hear that.

[virgo2004]

Well, it seems like that was a low point for me. I was so stressed out and upset that I was making myself sick. This situation is very emotional and conflicting.

 

My update is not what I expected...

 

He came to visit me for a week and we fought most of the time. We both did not want that but it happened. We even slept separately because things were so stressful. I was mean to him because I was trying to find a way to end it. That was the hardest week I have ever had.

 

He told me he needed a year to do what he has to do at home. I was glad he told me a date, but a year seems like forever. I could not decide what was acceptable for me to stay.

 

The last two days he was here, I decided that I could not end it. It was a relief and I believed that things would eventually be ok. They seem to be so far. He is coming to see me in three days and will be here for new years eve. He sent me roses and we talked for 2 hours on Christmas.

 

I still have my doubts, but I think that we have to have faith sometimes when it doesnt seem feasible. He told me the day he got home he went to the attorney to figure the financial situation out. He told his parents over Christmas and I spoke with some of his friends and they know all about us. He told me he will do whatever it takes to not lose me. He is looking for a new job close to where I live.

 

It is still not easy but I do feel better. When I freak out, he knows just what to say. I know we have a difficult time ahead of us but I want to be with him. I dont know what my family or friends will think, but I just hope they can be supportive.

 

I will try to add updates as things happen. I am not completely sure that this will all work out, but I am willing to take the risk.

 

Clearinghouse, I hope things go well for you. What is your situation? It feels good to know that there are other people going through the same/similar things. I have never felt so alone in my life and it affects every part of me. Let me know if you need anything. Take care...

[virgo2004]

oops clearingclouds. not house. sorry!

[Skittles]

To all the" ladies in waiting" in this community....

 

I wish you were in different situations...but....if wishes were horses beggars would ride.. .

 

.........Weigh his actions against his words and that might help you navigate through the murky waters of the triangle.

 

 

 

Happy New Year.

[texaslonghorn31]

When I met my current BF almost a year ago, he was married with two children. He stayed for many years because of his desire to keep trying, the kids, etc. He was married for almost 10 years and had been with his wife for several years before that.

 

In a nutshell, he did leave her. He moved out, told her about me and they are divorcing. They would have been divorced by now if she would stop trying to take him for what little money he has. When I started dating him I kept telling myself that he was full of it and that the things he was telling me (I will leave her...I promise) were just lies to get me to stay around. As in my case, sometimes they really do leave their wives. The question then becomes.....will you still want them when they do?

 

Men who cheat/leave/end marriges like that come with baggage. Even men who don't do that still have baggage (so do women for that matter). His wife knew about me a long time ago and she causes as many problems as she can for us. Plus he has kids (I have none and never really wanted any) and he brings them to my house and I feel like he expects me to step into the mommy roll. Sometimes I worry that from him jumping from one relationship to another can only end up badly. You can follow your heart, but no matter how it works out, you may still get hurt. You just have to decide if you are willing to chance it or not because there is nothing that says you will live happily ever after, even if he does leave. Good luck.

[virgo2004]

I know that even if he leaves his wife things might not work out for us. That chance we take happens in any relationship. I feel that even if it doesnt work out, it will still be worth it. He is not happy in his marriage and he deserves to be.

 

It scares me to think of what can happen in the future, but I know that I am willing to risk it all for a chance to be happy with him.

 

Only time will tell....

 

Thanks for the info. It feels good to share and to get feedback.

[AllyKat]

I actually have heard alot of married men and women joke that they would make better business partners. Im sure she were joking or else he would be divorced. I

 

 

 

do hope your parents didnt know he was married? Anyways, back off now, you need to guard your heart. I just dont understand how you could ever really trust him if he is already showing you he is a cheater? Thats just me. Its a new relationship, ending it now will save heartache for later. If he gets divorced, then okay, but it seems for now he isnt going to leave her. So, why play second fiddle? No one should.