delnoire Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 How can I tell if my ex is over me? What kind of body language, verbal signals do girls give out if they are your ex and still have feelings for you? My daughters mother and I have been broken up for about six years now, and though we co-parent civily enough, she is extremely cold to me. i try to be polite and friendly, but she is just....cold. Gives me one word answers, makes no effort be friendly. I mean, its been six years for crying out loud. I recently sent her an e-mail telling her that I think we should be friends, I wish things weren't so cold between us, that its in our daughters best interest etc....and she sent me back an e-mail and told me that I treated her horribly in the past, that she will neverforget it and that she doesn't want to talk to me unless it is about our daughter. okay, fair enough. But part of me thinks that if a girl is still so cold and upset about things that happened in six years ago, it has to be because she still has feelings for me. If she didn't have feelings for me, then why would she become so cold when I try to be nice. I mean, if she didn't have feelings for me, then wouldn't it be easy for her to be nice and forgive me? Am I right? So ladies, what body language, verbal signals etc... should I look out for? And just as a side-note, I didn't do anything TERRIBLE. Just the usual inconsiderate boyfriend stuff.
unknown815 Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 ok, so my question is - are you married or in a serious relationship OR is she?? need to know that before giving my opnion. I deal with the the CO-parenting issues myself and think that plays a major role
alphamale Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 okay, fair enough. But part of me thinks that if a girl is still so cold and upset about things that happened in six years ago, it has to be because she still has feelings for me. ah ha ha haha haha hha ha haaa
unknown815 Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 ah ha ha haha haha hha ha haaa i dont think thats so far off...why the "hahahahahaha"..as a woman, who deals with my ex / childs father - YES, very possible for someone to act cold and mean BECASUE they Still have feelings!! I HAVE DONE IT..
ADF Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 But part of me thinks that if a girl is still so cold and upset about things that happened in six years ago, it has to be because she still has feelings for me. If she didn't have feelings for me, then why would she become so cold when I try to be nice. I mean, if she didn't have feelings for me, then wouldn't it be easy for her to be nice and forgive me? Am I right? No, you're wrong. Way wrong. When people act as if they hate you, it means they hate you. Any other interpretation is just wishful thinking on your part. Look, who knows why you're ex is so hostile? But you've asked her about it directly, and she's given you a direct answer. That's all you can do. It is good you are able to be civil for your daughter's sake. Leave this alone now.
mickleb Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 (edited) But six years later? (In response to unknown's point) Seems she's spelled it out. She don't like you. Fair enough, as you said? Be a great dad. Don't let her feelings for you bother you. Think about some other ladies. Good luck. Edited October 27, 2009 by mickleb ADF got in there quicker.
unknown815 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 OK when someone acts like that after a relationship - COLD and MEAN, yes - i think its because they are NOT over it. ESPECIALLY if you share a child. Because if you share a child, you would want the best situation possible. as friendly as you could be. AND even more of a reason i think this is because it WAS so long ago. 6 YEARS?!?!?!? So when someone acts like they hate you, NO, it doesnt always mean they do! there is no reason to act like that to some1 you share a child with unless you still had lots of emotions pent up. Maybe not good feeling but definitely something. And I myself have acted cold and mean to the father of my child in the past because I wasn't over it and i wanted him to feel the pain he put me through. Now, its another story..which im still dealing with. But anyway, it doesn't matter for you. You shouldn't care as long as you know you are doing what's best for your child. That's it! that's all you can do. it would be nice if the relationship had better communications but unfortunately, that's life. Don't confront her about it again. Nothing you can do..and here's a side note - for you to be posting this, i think YOU may be the one that maybe isn't over this. I dont think you would care how she acted and to actually wrote in a forum about it makes me think you have some emotions inside about her
tryagaintoday Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 One of my ex from years ago really hates me. After ten years, I met her once and I can see from her eyes that it is filled with hatred for me. A month back, when I just broke up with my ex-fiancee, I text her friend (as I may be looking for a rebound or hook up with the ex). Her friend replied "Yes, I remember you. Pls don't look for <ex name> again and I will not give her contacts detail to you. She hates you and will never forget it." I just back off. So, I think, yeah she still has feeling for me, feelings of hatred....
Daja Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 When I can talk to a man normally and be civil with him that's when I know that I'm completely over him. When I'm angry, bitter, refusing to make an acceptable contribution to any conversation with him-- basically when I want him to fail at life and go up in FLAMES for all I care... I am not over him. Not even close. And I act this way to prove to him and everyone else that I AM over him. lol Indifference = NO CHANCE IN HELL. I'm over you and I simply don't care. I will give you advice about your breathtakingly beautiful 5'10" Russian fiance and help you pick out the ring. Anger = Something is still rumbling inside me for you. It might not be a positive something... but it's something. But that's just me.
LostInLA Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 If someone still gets angry at you after so many years, it's because they never dealt with their anger. The sad thing is that their anger only holds them back. Forgiveness is more about freeing oneself than it has to do with the other person. I'm currently wrestling with this, as I know I'm still angry with my ex and it's not necessarily due to wanting to get back together with him, I'm just angry and feeling like I was wronged. However I know one day I will be ready to let the anger go and forgive (not forget though!). I have an ex from soooooo many years ago, and it ended very badly and I was very mad at him...I never formally forgave him but I'm certainly not angry anymore. However...if we lived in the same city again and if he was cordial, I wouldn't mind dating him again casually (I wouldn't marry him though...these might be rebound feelings haha)
BCCA Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Everyone is different. For me personally, there are a few girls I went out with that I have ZERO feelings for, but still really don't like. I think the way you left things with someone, or the way they FEEL like you treated them at the end, has everything to do with it. She could just resent the way you treated her at the end, and never want to forgive you. It happens, and not because she has good feelings for you still.
Author delnoire Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Thanks everyone for your awesome answers. Its really given me alot to think about. To answer a few of your own questions Yes, I admit I do still have feelings for her. But I know enough to not even CONSIDER going that route again. I just want to be friends and thats all. We are both responsible adults, with a mutual child. I think it is perfectly fair and right to try and be cordial to one another for our daughters sake I can definitely put my feelings aside and be friends rather than rekindling an old flame. No, I am not signficantly involved with someone right now. My ex has had the same boyfriend for about five years, they also have a kid together, live together etc....But its an open relationship, they don't actually seem into each other now or ever. Its definitely not any of my business but just to give you a good example. In five years i have never seen them hold hands, be affectionate or anything like a normal couple would do. I have never heard my ex tell her boyfriend 'i love you'. I only mention this because when we were together, she used to say that to me so often it actually became annoying. She was a very clingy, affectionate kind of girlfriend, and it just seems her relationship with this guy since than has almost just been out of necessity (financial, the apartment they live in is too expensive for a one income household, and for the sake of their own kid) When we were together, I couldn't never go anywhere without her wanting to come along. I hardly ever go a minute to myself. I couldn't even hang out with my guy friends. But with her current boyfriend, I rarely ever see them together. I will see her around by herself or with friends. And him around, by himself or with friends. Seldom are they out as a couple. I am in NO WAY trying to get inbetween them. I am just pointing out that there are such drastic differences in how she treated me as opposed to her current boyfriend, so that you, the people that I am asking about this, can give me more educated and informed opinions on my situation. Thanks!
stace79 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 OK when someone acts like that after a relationship - COLD and MEAN, yes - i think its because they are NOT over it. ESPECIALLY if you share a child. Because if you share a child, you would want the best situation possible. as friendly as you could be. AND even more of a reason i think this is because it WAS so long ago. 6 YEARS?!?!?!? So when someone acts like they hate you, NO, it doesnt always mean they do! there is no reason to act like that to some1 you share a child with unless you still had lots of emotions pent up. Maybe not good feeling but definitely something. And I myself have acted cold and mean to the father of my child in the past because I wasn't over it and i wanted him to feel the pain he put me through. Now, its another story..which im still dealing with. But anyway, it doesn't matter for you. You shouldn't care as long as you know you are doing what's best for your child. That's it! that's all you can do. it would be nice if the relationship had better communications but unfortunately, that's life. Don't confront her about it again. Nothing you can do..and here's a side note - for you to be posting this, i think YOU may be the one that maybe isn't over this. I dont think you would care how she acted and to actually wrote in a forum about it makes me think you have some emotions inside about her Yeah, pent up anger and hatred and loathing. It's quite possible she would have healed and gotten over it had she not had to see him all the time due to sharing a child together. The ONLY reason I might change my mind is IF the OP were single forever, and they were friendly then, and when he started dating someone new she THEN became cold. But if she's been cold the whole time? No way -- she hates you.
Author delnoire Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 No way -- she hates you. THIS is my point. Hate is an extreme emotion. People don't feel extreme emotions for no reason. If she had no feelings for me, than she would just act indifferent. Friendly, but not intimate. Impersonal. Just.....indifferent. But this is not the case. If she truly does hate me, than what is causing her to feel this extreme emotion even if it is hatred, its still an extreme emotion. Six years....c'mon. And there is no real reason for me to be hated. There was no abuse, stealing, cheating any of those unforgivables of relationships. It was your standard break-up. So even if she hates me, why the hatred? Why do her emotions become so dramatic about me? Do you think it is possible for two people who were once madly in love, to ever be just friends? Or is it impossible? thats what I think it comes down to. Its hard to imagine being just friends with someone you once had such intense feelings for. And let me tell you....this girl was head over heels for me back at the start. Do you think friendship is just completely out of the question?
unknown815 Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 i was just about to start a new threat because I'm dealing with something similar as far CO-parenting relationships after ending horrible. but my situation is still fresh and so much more goes with it..But to answer your question, YES, i think its 100% possible but ONLY if she wants to...You cant force it. and if it ended 6 years ago and she is still acting this way, im guessing she just doesn't wanna go "there" with you. Just leave it alone. Things change every day. don't let it bother you.
stace79 Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 THIS is my point. Hate is an extreme emotion. People don't feel extreme emotions for no reason. If she had no feelings for me, than she would just act indifferent. Friendly, but not intimate. Impersonal. Just.....indifferent. But this is not the case. If she truly does hate me, than what is causing her to feel this extreme emotion even if it is hatred, its still an extreme emotion. Six years....c'mon. And there is no real reason for me to be hated. There was no abuse, stealing, cheating any of those unforgivables of relationships. It was your standard break-up. So even if she hates me, why the hatred? Why do her emotions become so dramatic about me? Do you think it is possible for two people who were once madly in love, to ever be just friends? Or is it impossible? thats what I think it comes down to. Its hard to imagine being just friends with someone you once had such intense feelings for. And let me tell you....this girl was head over heels for me back at the start. Do you think friendship is just completely out of the question? As to why she hates you, maybe because she was never able to heal from the awful treatment she perceived you gave her. And because she has a child with you, she will never be able to heal from it totally, because she'll always have to have some contact with you. I am currently pregnant with my ex-fiance's child. And yeah, right now I hate his guts, because now I'm stuck with that connection to him forever. I do think it's possible for people who used to be in love to be friends, but only under certain circumstances and only when they've had time to heal their wounds.
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