Born to die alone?

[MrPlayStationMan]

Single, handsome, lightly-tanned, confident / slightly egotistical man nearing his mid-30's, still doesn't KNOW what LIFE is all about yet, still wants to learn and admits that even if he knows everything - still can't make THE lifestyle threatening decision.

 

I spend 90% of my time working, gaming (PS3, XBox 360, etc), driving, or Attending to My Own Body - AMOB (i.e. sleeping, eating, brushing teeth, showering, etc - the things that keep my hygienic, clean & presentable).

 

So how is it then, that four months ago (she tells me) I met and started seeing this Polish woman a couple of years older than me? To start with - it was fun, then it became problematic as a few cultural differences and language / understanding issues set in. Some of her music didn't appeal, some of her clothes didn't appeal, that she disliked football didn't appeal, that she didn't enjoy video games didn't appeal... That I learned she is missing several real teeth (and has admittedly well designed crowns) didn't appeal... She's got a slightly small chin, slightly big nose, dyes her hair blond and she's not the fittest woman on the planet but she has got a really good body. Sometimes she smiles and she looks gorgeous, other times she's unhappy and looks tired & weathered.

 

I 'forgot' to pander to her needs (i.e. text messages & hugs) and we fought and took a break while we were both away on vacation, then we came back and fought some more, then fought even more and as she complained that I never bought her flowers or chocolates - I bought her some and then something changed... She made me a cake.

 

Suddenly, she started wanting to watch football with me, she played easy games & watched me, she played music that we both enjoy and when appropriate she dressed to kill.

 

With all my suspicion and paranoia intact, I only ate a slice of her cake and to tell the truth didn't actually enjoy it (as it was far too sweet), but I know it was the thought that counted and I broke out in a rash which still shows on my face - and which I still blame on the cake. I didn't text her nor talk to her for almost a week after and when we talked on the phone we fought, so then there she was waiting on my doorstep when I got home from work the next day. I invited her in, we talked and all her anger had been replaced with what seemed like compassion.

 

Three days ago, I gave her my perspective on life and showing how little faith I have in humanity, God or any sort of after life, I rambled on for a good two hours about what seems logical in life - how animals breed, survive, get killed and eaten - and how human beings aren't really all that different. So then yesterday after waking up with her, she told me that she is now starting to have serious feelings and that she needs to know if I want to have a future with her.

 

As much of a ***** head as I can be, I've become something of a truth seeker in recent years and I can't - nor do I want to lie to her. I do like her and have feelings, but I don't love her. Not yet & maybe never? Maybe after becoming so logical, stoic, independent and damn selfish - love will take time for me, or maybe I was just born an only child to live a lonely life and die a lonely death....? So I told her - I don't feel what she does, but I do like her, but I am not sure, I am scared to commit, can't give her any guarantees and I need to think about what she's told me. She is 1 - 2 years older than me and clearly she is thinking about marriage, children and a full life, maybe in a couple of years, or a few years or - well, who knows? I didn't want to stoke what is already a fire. I understand where she is coming from completely. A part of me does want that someday, but just not now, not just yet, but then, well... When...?

 

After just 4 months - which just seems far too soon to be so serious - I feel pressured to give an answer. There's also the "Eastern-European-money-grabbing-b!tch" train of thought which isn't lost on me even though her tears at my response seem genuine. I am not heartless, but I will not lie.

 

The trouble is, I don't know what to do now. A part of me says I should break it off with her, run - as I have done in the past with other relationships and that maybe I will find someone else about who I am really sure I want to be with. The most likely outcome is that I will almost certainly find myself asking these same questions again one day. Due to my work / PlayStation lifestyle I don't find myself in relationships very often at all (maybe one every 2-3 years) and all the best women are taken, so I will almost certainly never find the perfect woman for me. There is really not an awful lot wrong with what I have got, but I'm really just not sure.

 

It so happens I'm going to be tied up for the next two days, so I won't have any chance to see her until Thursday. She deserves an answer and two days should be long enough to come to a decision. I don't know what to do, can anyone offer me guidance?

Edited October 27, 2009 by MrPlayStationMan

[Ophelia Rue]

It sounds like you're settling. You shouldn't settle.

 

On the other hand, get off your ass once in awhile and go outside. Video game addiction is like heroin. Go meet some new women. They're everywhere. It's not that hard.

[MrPlayStationMan]

It sounds like you're settling. You shouldn't settle.

 

On the other hand, get off your ass once in awhile and go outside. Video game addiction is like heroin. Go meet some new women. They're everywhere. It's not that hard.

 

Thanks for the advice... Not that I'm stalking, but I see you've posted elsewhere that you're about 24 years old. I'm not sure if you'd still think of it as "settling" if you somehow turn out single and all your friends are coupled / married when you hit your mid-thirties and maybe you perhaps don't look as hot as you do now and neither do the opposite sex your age.

 

Maybe it's sound advice irrespective of age though...

 

More depth & advice required...

[kiss_andmakeup]

I don't necessarily get the impression that you're settling...after all, from what you said she's an attractive and likeable person.

 

However, she may be in the wrong age group for you if you're not ready to settle down and start a family. If she's a little older than you (guessing mid-thirties?), she is starting to feel the pressure of her "biological clock" ticking. She's running out of time to have children and she knows it, so she is eager to get her family started. I don't blame her, I'm just saying that most women your age or older are probably going to have that attitude.

 

Maybe try dating slightly younger women? I'm not talking crazy age differences here, but unless you're ready to do the family thing relatively soon (though I agree 4 months is fast) most (read: most, not all) women in your immediate age group or older are probably not going to be interested.

 

Not to mention, if you really are handsome and well-groomed as you say, and maybe if you dump the playstation "lifestyle" (seriously...as a woman, this is so unattractive. I like video games but come on...calling it part of your lifestyle?), you shouldn't have a problem dating women of any age.

[boogieboy]

You are obviously settling.

 

Try cutting out the gaming that takes up 30% of your time, and use that time to GO GET the woman you want to really be with.

 

Can you do that? Or does is the gaming more important than finding a bride? If thats the case, stay with this girl that you dont really like.

[MrPlayStationMan]

I don't necessarily get the impression that you're settling...after all, from what you said she's an attractive and likeable person.

She definitely is when she's being nice and not trying to manipulate me emotionally. Telling me I don't do X, or that I do Y and therefore she gives me Z is the equivalent of adding a snake and a crocodile and coming up with a cake... I see this stuff coming a mile away.

 

However, she may be in the wrong age group for you

That's what she said.

 

Maybe try dating slightly younger women?

30 : Love - to no.

 

Not to mention, if you really are handsome and well-groomed as you say, and maybe if you dump the playstation "lifestyle" (seriously...as a woman, this is so unattractive. I like video games but come on...calling it part of your lifestyle?), you shouldn't have a problem dating women of any age.

 

Mr.PlayStationMan dump the PlayStation lifestyle?

 

I enjoy running, swimming, cycling, I'm a capable dancer, I like cars, traveling and taking women out - to dinner, the cinema, for drinks or otherwise. I love watching football and I also love sex - mad as a hatter, but oh yes I do like video games... Some people enjoy watching X Factor, Strictly Come Dancing or Pop Idol on TV... There's not a woman on this planet who will make me watch that stuff - I play video games.

[aerogurl87]

Single, handsome, lightly-tanned, confident / slightly egotistical man nearing his mid-30's, still doesn't KNOW what LIFE is all about yet, still wants to learn and admits that even if he knows everything - still can't make THE lifestyle threatening decision.

 

I spend 90% of my time working, gaming (PS3, XBox 360, etc), driving, or Attending to My Own Body - AMOB (i.e. sleeping, eating, brushing teeth, showering, etc - the things that keep my hygienic, clean & presentable).

 

So how is it then, that four months ago (she tells me) I met and started seeing this Polish woman a couple of years older than me? To start with - it was fun, then it became problematic as a few cultural differences and language / understanding issues set in. Some of her music didn't appeal, some of her clothes didn't appeal, that she disliked football didn't appeal, that she didn't enjoy video games didn't appeal... That I learned she is missing several real teeth (and has admittedly well designed crowns) didn't appeal... She's got a slightly small chin, slightly big nose, dyes her hair blond and she's not the fittest woman on the planet but she has got a really good body. Sometimes she smiles and she looks gorgeous, other times she's unhappy and looks tired & weathered.

 

I 'forgot' to pander to her needs (i.e. text messages & hugs) and we fought and took a break while we were both away on vacation, then we came back and fought some more, then fought even more and as she complained that I never bought her flowers or chocolates - I bought her some and then something changed... She made me a cake.

 

Suddenly, she started wanting to watch football with me, she played easy games & watched me, she played music that we both enjoy and when appropriate she dressed to kill.

 

With all my suspicion and paranoia intact, I only ate a slice of her cake and to tell the truth didn't actually enjoy it (as it was far too sweet), but I know it was the thought that counted and I broke out in a rash which still shows on my face - and which I still blame on the cake. I didn't text her nor talk to her for almost a week after and when we talked on the phone we fought, so then there she was waiting on my doorstep when I got home from work the next day. I invited her in, we talked and all her anger had been replaced with what seemed like compassion.

 

Three days ago, I gave her my perspective on life and showing how little faith I have in humanity, God or any sort of after life, I rambled on for a good two hours about what seems logical in life - how animals breed, survive, get killed and eaten - and how human beings aren't really all that different. So then yesterday after waking up with her, she told me that she is now starting to have serious feelings and that she needs to know if I want to have a future with her.

 

As much of a ***** head as I can be, I've become something of a truth seeker in recent years and I can't - nor do I want to lie to her. I do like her and have feelings, but I don't love her. Not yet & maybe never? Maybe after becoming so logical, stoic, independent and damn selfish - love will take time for me, or maybe I was just born an only child to live a lonely life and die a lonely death....? So I told her - I don't feel what she does, but I do like her, but I am not sure, I am scared to commit, can't give her any guarantees and I need to think about what she's told me. She is 1 - 2 years older than me and clearly she is thinking about marriage, children and a full life, maybe in a couple of years, or a few years or - well, who knows? I didn't want to stoke what is already a fire. I understand where she is coming from completely. A part of me does want that someday, but just not now, not just yet, but then, well... When...?

 

After just 4 months - which just seems far too soon to be so serious - I feel pressured to give an answer. There's also the "Eastern-European-money-grabbing-b!tch" train of thought which isn't lost on me even though her tears at my response seem genuine. I am not heartless, but I will not lie.

 

The trouble is, I don't know what to do now. A part of me says I should break it off with her, run - as I have done in the past with other relationships and that maybe I will find someone else about who I am really sure I want to be with. The most likely outcome is that I will almost certainly find myself asking these same questions again one day. Due to my work / PlayStation lifestyle I don't find myself in relationships very often at all (maybe one every 2-3 years) and all the best women are taken, so I will almost certainly never find the perfect woman for me. There is really not an awful lot wrong with what I have got, but I'm really just not sure.

 

It so happens I'm going to be tied up for the next two days, so I won't have any chance to see her until Thursday. She deserves an answer and two days should be long enough to come to a decision. I don't know what to do, can anyone offer me guidance?

 

I think you're waiting for Miss Perfect to step into your life and change everything for you so that you will fall madly in love and be ready and willing to commit once and for awhile. Well here's a reality check, that's not going to happen. Perfect people do not exist except in one's mind. Sounds to me like you're passing up what could be a fufilling relationship because you have this "dream" that the perfect girl is out there waiting for you. Well, hate to tell you but she's not. Although a perfectly good woman is right in front of you and you're passing her up for what may or may not be the greener grass on the other side. Give this relationship a chance I say and see what happens, who knows she may turn out to be the closest thing to perfect you will ever find.

[MrPlayStationMan]

You are obviously settling. Try cutting out the gaming that takes up 30% of your time, and use that time to GO GET the woman you want to really be with. Can you do that? Or does is the gaming more important than finding a bride? If thats the case, stay with this girl that you dont really like.

40 : Love.

 

It's true, the PlayStation 3 takes up maybe 15 - 20% of that percentage. I'm not much of a go-getter when it comes to women, they just seem to "arrive". Was that last sentence just a throw-away snipe, or a serious suggestion?

[kiss_andmakeup]

30 : Love - to no.

 

Huh?

 

Mr.PlayStationMan dump the PlayStation lifestyle?

 

I enjoy running, swimming, cycling, I'm a capable dancer, I like cars, traveling and taking women out - to dinner, the cinema, for drinks or otherwise. I love watching football and I also love sex - mad as a hatter, but oh yes I do like video games... Some people enjoy watching X Factor, Strictly Come Dancing or Pop Idol on TV... There's not a woman on this planet who will make me watch that stuff - I play video games.

 

As long as you keep it well rounded...your post made it sound like it was an integral part of your lifestyle rather than a hobby...and having a picture of a gaming console as your avatar kind of solidified that impression.

 

As for the junk TV and whatnot, I'm not sure what your point there is, as I would never make my boyfriend sit ildy by while I watch girlish rubbish. It's healthy to have your own hobbies, and I wasn't suggesting that you find a woman who will make you give yours up.

 

I just gave you advice, which is what you asked for, right?

[MrPlayStationMan]

I think you're waiting for Miss Perfect to step into your life and change everything for you so that you will fall madly in love and be ready and willing to commit once and for awhile. Well here's a reality check, that's not going to happen. Perfect people do not exist except in one's mind.

Spot on with the first part. Your reality check pretty much describes my life for the past 15 or so years AND when I look around at friends getting married, or coupling up, I sometimes wonder what happened there. I don't disagree with you at all... No-one is perfect, but a perfectionist can pick out even the smallest flaw and make it into a big issue, right?

 

Sounds to me like you're passing up what could be a fufilling relationship because you have this "dream" that the perfect girl is out there waiting for you. Well, hate to tell you but she's not. Although a perfectly good woman is right in front of you and you're passing her up for what may or may not be the greener grass on the other side. Give this relationship a chance I say and see what happens, who knows she may turn out to be the closest thing to perfect you will ever find.

I haven't passed up on anything and the last point you mention could prove to be true... I've been nothing but honest with her (and here) about how I feel and what I said I would do - which is to go away, consult and think. The only thing I can be guilty of is being too honest, but I think maybe she finds that refreshing and at least she knows that I am not insulting her intelligence. Great post. 40 : 15. Thanks.

[MrPlayStationMan]

As long as you keep it well rounded...your post made it sound like it was an integral part of your lifestyle rather than a hobby...and having a picture of a gaming console as your avatar kind of solidified that impression.

I'm just very independent. I've been in a number of different kinds of relationships with different parameters. Video games is part of the independent life style. It can be sociable - but not really with women... To be fair, sometimes she goes jogging or swimming with me, she is obviously making an effort to integrate. She just wants to spend more time with me. That's a hell of a lot more of an effort than I am making and that's maybe just me being a prick (but that's just how I am now - hard headed)... Clearly she sees something in me that appeals to her but after all the fights I don't know what it is and it's made me think if that's how she is - or is going to be, it's just another thing I'm not sure about... I'm not really a bad guy, though not that nice either I'm afraid.

 

I just gave you advice, which is what you asked for, right?

Absolutely and very much appreciated.

 

There's no right or wrong answer and I'm just looking for advice. Thanks.

Edited October 27, 2009 by MrPlayStationMan

[boogieboy]

I was making a suggestion, not snyping at ya.

 

I mean it. I think I know how you feel, youre taking this woman for granted because shes making all the effort to catch up with you and you can just lay back and relax. I can only assume that most of the women you with do this?

 

Hey when you dont feel it you dont feel it. But if its been like this for 15 years, then you really have to start doing some more work to find who you want. Youre just grabbing what falls in your lap. You can keep this going and keep waiting for what you want to find you, or you can go looking for her. I think you can carve some time out of your busy schedule to FIND what you want as opposed to them finding you and you being wishy washy about them.

 

Im not saying to kill your video gaming completely, just temporarily. What I meant was all that effort you put into gaining levels in these games, you could be putting that focus into discovering what you want in a woman.

 

BTW since you dont actively go out and seek the woman you want, you dont know if all the good ones are taken. You gotta play the numbers to find a good one. So youre not born to die alone, youre just lazy.

[Johnny M]

Ummm....why are you dating an older woman?? Especially when you're in your 30's already? Of course she wants a family, children, etc....she is quickly approaching the age at which she will no longer be capable of that.

 

You should be dating girls in their mid-late 20's. They are in less hurry to settle down and you can take a few years to figure out what you want to do with your life (although judging by the fact that you're in your mid-30's and still play Playstation, you've got your answer already)

[Sam Spade]

You sound like the guy from "American Psycho" !

(see repeated references to THE Lifestyle :lmao:)