dazedandconfused2008 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 (edited) I was reading my old post from last year and i kind of had to laugh at myself where i said there would be no contact. Ya...that didnt work for long. Im saying it again this time but for some reason i think its going to stick because its just....time to. I wasnt even close to ready then as i am now. Sometimes we just gotta stop and take a deep breath and look around and let go and let life take its course. Its time to stop trying to control whats happening and isnt happening, and trying to stop or control the other person, and start taking care of ourselves. Change is a part of life...and even if we dont want to change or try and fight it...it will be forced upon us. Its HOW we deal with the change that makes all the difference in the world. I can choose to be the victim of someone elses actions or i can choose to see it as an opportunity to find out WHO I REALLY AM and find my own peace and happiness without having to look for it through someone else. Im like everyone else...i feel...i hurt...i cry...i wanted the family thing with my husband back....and i might still get those things down the road...and it will never be the same again...it may be good or bad....no one knows the future right?....but right now its all about me. I didnt make this mess...HE did...HE made his choices...and its about time he start living with the consequences of them as i been having to do with my own. My life HAS to go on. During one session with my psychologist a few months ago, she asked if i saw yet that the whole thing with my ex wasnt about me but with himself? Or if i hadnt reached that point yet? I was like huh? i imagine with that blank look on my face. I had no f#$ing idea what she meant. My ex was not himself...he was cruel and heartless...a shell of what he used to be...how could this whole thing not be about me? HE was intentionally hurting ME...hurting my kids...hurting himself and others...without a care in the world it seems and I couldnt understand how and why he could do this to me...to us. It bothered me i couldnt SEE what she was talking about. Over the past year with her and the things i told her about my ex, she figures he must have addictions and some mental disorders we might not know about. She brought up sex and love addiction which i looked up and sure enough his behavior fit it to a T. I can see the cycle of distraction that he is in...and it is getting worse. But it didnt explain how he could he turn so different and be so cold and heartless now when he used to be such a great dad and really he was a good person with feelings? I was reading new and old posts from here over the past few days...and as i was reading i noticed a lot of people saying some of the same things. Like a pattern going on here...and there are a lot actually. But the one i was picking up the most because of my question was the change in personality from these people that were once "caring" and "loving". Heard things like "he/she is not the same person anymore"..."jekyll and hyde"....people being in this "fog". Sure people can be selfish and inconsiderate and not be happy and even have addictions...but it still doesnt explain why? Why the change in personality? why the cruelty (eg. no empathy or no interest in kids..etc) and indifference? So i started reading up on addictions again...ya i get the symptoms...i get to cover deep pain/issues...i get the cycle...yet none of it talked about why the change in personality. Until i came across a word...DISASSOCIATE in one of the sites i was looking up. I read this up and everything with it and boy was that an eye opener for me. Fascinating actually. We all disassociate....we daydream..etc....and on the far end of the spectrum we get disorders...the extreme end being multiple personality disorder. Its progressive...the more pain...the more disassociation is used..addictions arise and increase...until its seen there is a problem. Its all part of one big cycle. Selfishness can only go so far with a "normal" healthy emotional person. Such a person would stop the behavior if they saw it was hurting someone they cared about...eg..their child. Someone with a disassociative problem or disorder couldnt stop even if they wanted to...that is how the cycle builds up...more pain..more disassociation...addictions start or worsen...depression worsens. We are all on that spectrum...but to what degree its all different for each one of us...depending of different life factors. For example...people that have suffered sexual abuse as a child may not recall the abuse until years later. As a child they learned to disassociate to protect their fragile self from emotional trauma. That is more extreme example but heres one we have all done before....were we are with someone and we are just NOT THERE and finally the friend has to wave in our face HELLO!? ARE U LISTENING? That is also disassociation. This doesnt mean that this is the answer to everyones situation...but might help to shed some light on some. Keep in mind that people and behaviors are really complex....and everyone is different....and that it is NOT an excuse but certain people (outside factors and degree of pain ) use it to cope with deep pain brought on to themselves and to others they love. It made me see things from a different (his) point of view and for the first time...i realized that the way he is acting is NOT because of ME. He is NOT out to hurt and destroy me and my kids and people that love him...although it is a result of his choices and his way of dealing with pain (im guessing something he learned from childhood-he grew up in dysfunctional home where family violence, neglect, abandonment, no nurturing environment were prevalent). I mean what normal person wants to destroy their own lives and people they love intentionally? Him disassociating from the pain he causes himself and to others and his loved ones are HIS way of coping with pain. When the real him comes out at times and he says he knows he is hurting us and doesnt know why he is doing it...i believe him now. When he is one day acting like nothing and blames me for everything...i know im talking to his disassociated self at that moment. Does this mean im going to run over to him and save the day? That all this is an excuse? No. It just means that i understand it all...that i understand him....and its very sad that it came to this. I try not to take it so....personal...now if that makes any sense. We still have to deal with the horrible pain of his actions but at least i can go to bed at night knowing that this thing he is doing is all HIM and hes not out to destroy me and the kids. It is still HIM to see he has a problem and to want to get help. Sometimes we must fall and get hurt to wake the hell up...in order to get back up again. That is something he still has to face and do. Hell...we all do. Sorry didnt mean for this to come out as an essay... On a newer note...i did sign myself up for a 3 week workshop that is something fun for myself...gotta keep living right? Edited October 26, 2009 by dazedandconfused2008
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