SecretlySad Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 What is everyone's view on this? Is it a load of rubbish? Just an excuse to get out of an unhappy relationship without wanting to hurt the person? I am currently feeling like I want to break free from my long term relationship. I haven't been single since I was 17 (27 now) and I have an undying urge to experience things for myself, without anyone else around, to see if I can actually make it out there on my own. My much older boyfriend got to experience his 20's how he wanted. Whenever he talks about the freedom of his young days I become green with envy - and a little resentment. I have always had someone else caring for me, and I have always been terribly dependant on others - men especially. Recently it has reached a point where I am starting to really dislike how my life has turned out and the person I have become. My boyfriend adores me (see my other post, very similar to this one http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t207203/) and even though, as you can see, wanting my own time isn't the only reason I feel how I feel, he just doesn't deserve to have his heart broken... I am not sure what to do here. He has been so very good to me, but I have been thinking about this for absolutely years (I am ashamed to admit!).
boogieboy Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Dont break it off with him... You can experience things for yourself, but youre going to wind up back into a relationship anyways in a few years. Might as well not give up a good thing. Just be more independent while youre with your guy. Break away a lil, do more things with your friends. Theres nothing to be envious of your bf, and his 20's. Half the time youre trying to be by yourself, you'll just probably fall into another relationship anyways. You can do it without breaking it off with him, you will probably just want to get back with him anyways. Just do more things on your own. Now if you arent admitting that you are sick of him, since you havent stated that youre hopelessly in love with him and he means everything with you, and youre bored, then thats another story.
aerogurl87 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Dont break it off with him... You can experience things for yourself, but youre going to wind up back into a relationship anyways in a few years. Might as well not give up a good thing. Just be more independent while youre with your guy. Break away a lil, do more things with your friends. Theres nothing to be envious of your bf, and his 20's. Half the time youre trying to be by yourself, you'll just probably fall into another relationship anyways. You can do it without breaking it off with him, you will probably just want to get back with him anyways. Just do more things on your own. Now if you arent admitting that you are sick of him, since you havent stated that youre hopelessly in love with him and he means everything with you, and youre bored, then thats another story. I agree 100% with boogieboy. Don't let a good thing go because you never know if you will ever get it back. Just try to get out more and do stuff on your own. Join a club, hang out with your friends more, whatever you want as long as it doesn't involve crushing your boyfriend's heart. Now if you want to go to a bar and randomly hookup or go out and date, that's an entirely different thing.
Phateless Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I agree. There is a halfway point between 0 and 100. Instead of breaking it off, just start seeing him less and doing more things on your own and then see if you still want to be single? Or do you want to date/experiment with other guys? On the flipside, if you've been restless this long, it WON'T just go away on it's own. Maybe it is time to be single for a couple of years?
ADF Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 It is a load of rubbish. And it has nothing to do with sparing a partner. People don't lie to spare other people; people lie to spare themselves. Anybody who says, "it's not you, it's me" is beneath contempt. That said, your "much older" BF should realize a relationship with a much younger woman is unlikely to last. I'd tell him the truth, not feed him a stupid line.
Johnny M Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Is it a load of rubbish? Just an excuse to get out of an unhappy relationship without wanting to hurt the person? Absolutely.
boogieboy Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 It is a load of rubbish. And it has nothing to do with sparing a partner. People don't lie to spare other people; people lie to spare themselves. Anybody who says, "it's not you, it's me" is beneath contempt. Im putting this in my sig, Then I'll remember to apply it to a few bullshyt sayings...perfect.
eiithan Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 The horrible part of "It's not you, it's me" is that the receiving party does not have a clue what went wrong. Most likely it will drive the person crazy, wondering over s/he has done wrong, being confused over why certain issues were never discussed before, etc etc. Tell him exactly how you feel about the situation. What makes you feel in that way, and how long you have felt that way, etc. Don't leave out crucial details in fears of hurting him. Not being told what is going on hurts, much much worse. Then discuss with him what can be done to solve the problems. See to what you can do, and what he can do. Act like a teammate. That is what a relationship is about. If your boyfriend deserves anything, it is your efforts to solve relationship problems by communicating with him. Once you do all these, and if nothing works out, then you guys can part ways. A lot of people get inclined to think their significant others are the source of their miseries, when the problems are actually internal. I guess it is always easy to direct the blame on someone else.
Phateless Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 The horrible part of "It's not you, it's me" is that the receiving party does not have a clue what went wrong. Most likely it will drive the person crazy, wondering over s/he has done wrong, being confused over why certain issues were never discussed before, etc etc. Tell him exactly how you feel about the situation. What makes you feel in that way, and how long you have felt that way, etc. Don't leave out crucial details in fears of hurting him. Not being told what is going on hurts, much much worse. Then discuss with him what can be done to solve the problems. See to what you can do, and what he can do. Act like a teammate. That is what a relationship is about. If your boyfriend deserves anything, it is your efforts to solve relationship problems by communicating with him. Once you do all these, and if nothing works out, then you guys can part ways. A lot of people get inclined to think their significant others are the source of their miseries, when the problems are actually internal. I guess it is always easy to direct the blame on someone else. This gets my vote for best in thread.
Author SecretlySad Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 I agree. There is a halfway point between 0 and 100. Instead of breaking it off, just start seeing him less and doing more things on your own and then see if you still want to be single? Or do you want to date/experiment with other guys? On the flipside, if you've been restless this long, it WON'T just go away on it's own. Maybe it is time to be single for a couple of years? But that's the thing, I DO do a lot of things on my own, yet I still can't shake this feeling. Other guys... I don't know. I don't want him to be the be all and end all of my sex life. I know that sounds horribly cruel but I am just trying to be honest here. I haven't been attracted to him in some time (he has let himself go terribly and has promised to diet for 5 years, with no result - again I'm sorry, I know that also sounds very cruel). I can't even put my finger on the main source of the problem - is it him? Is it me? Am I just scared of facing life alone? Of never being loved again? All I know is that I always feel like something is missing, and as the years pass I start to panic that my best years are being wasted and that I may never have any freedom or time to myself to work out what it is I want out of life, rather than constantly putting a man's wants first like I always have.
whichwayisup Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Now is the time to ENJOY being alone and growing as a woman. At age 27 - Learn to be independant and happy without having to rely on anyone else, especially a man. Find who YOU are! Once you get over the fear of being alone (you won't be alone, you still have friends, family around) not in couplehood land, you'll be fine! Yup, put you first and live your life how you want to!
Die Hard Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 But that's the thing, I DO do a lot of things on my own, yet I still can't shake this feeling. Other guys... I don't know. I don't want him to be the be all and end all of my sex life. I know that sounds horribly cruel but I am just trying to be honest here. I haven't been attracted to him in some time (he has let himself go terribly and has promised to diet for 5 years, with no result - again I'm sorry, I know that also sounds very cruel). I can't even put my finger on the main source of the problem - is it him? Is it me? Am I just scared of facing life alone? Of never being loved again? All I know is that I always feel like something is missing, and as the years pass I start to panic that my best years are being wasted and that I may never have any freedom or time to myself to work out what it is I want out of life, rather than constantly putting a man's wants first like I always have. Quit being a pussy and break up with him. No one deserves to be in a relationship with someone who is only there because they are too scared to move on by themselves. It's clear to me from your posts that your feelings for this guy have evaporated, probably some time ago and if you continue on you're just going to be one of THOSE women who cannot let go of one cock until they have a firm grasp on another. It's weak and it's selfish....break up with him and let him find someone who cares for him and loves him and doesn't blame HIM for the way YOU chose to live your life.
singlegirl Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Secretly sad, sounds to me like he just isn't the one !! The hardest part for someone like him will most definately be the torture you put him through if you let him down gently to make it easier on yourself My advice is keep shtum until you know what you want and if you don't want him then just leave him...Be honest with him, allow him the anger that he deserves at being dumped, it's the kindest way....don't dump him slowly and torture him. deal the blow and then take the consequences....
Die Hard Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 deal the blow and then take the consequences.... Exactly. The OP doesn't want to move on unless she's SURE the grass is greener without her BF. It's selfish and more importantly to me personally, it's weak. Why should your BF suffer being with someone so weak that you would stay with him even though you lost sexual attraction for him.....even to the point of resenting his youth because you feel you missed yours. Like I said, quit being a pussy and man up. If you want to be on your own, grow up and go see if the grass is greener for yourself and leave your BF to find someone who will truly love him. If you ever cared for your BF this is what you will do.
Author SecretlySad Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 It's weak and it's selfish You're right. break up with him and let him find someone who cares for him and loves him and doesn't blame HIM for the way YOU chose to live your life. I don't blame him at all. Everything has been my choice, I know that. But I am very intimidated by him. Always have been. I hate feeling like I can't be myself or say what I want around the one person I am supposed to be able to feel comfortable with doing that around. If we fight, he yells right at me, pointing his finger in my face and I blubber like a baby. Last time he did that I asked myself "is this what I want my life to be?"... and it really hit me. The good times are very good, but the bad times are very bad. He completely shuts down when we fight. Never wants to talk about it. I've held so much back over the years that I feel like I am choking. We have come close to breaking up a few times, but I always pike out because I hate him being angry with me. I am just like a damn child, I can't make any adult decisions. I feel like this has a lot to do with never being alone, but I don't know.
cognac Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I think your using this whole independence crap is an excuse for wanting to have sex with other men. Give your guy an ultimatum, he either loses weight or you leave. He'll comply, he probably loves you. You're going to regret leaving this 10 year relationship when you realize how hard it is to meet decent people who care about other human beings.
Author SecretlySad Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 I think your using this whole independence crap is an excuse for wanting to have sex with other men. This isn't the case at all! :( NO I don't really want to have sex with him anymore, but I don't have anyone else in my sights either! Nor am I planning anything!
Die Hard Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 I am just like a damn child, I can't make any adult decisions. I feel like this has a lot to do with never being alone, but I don't know. Okay well this is your chance to start growing up little girl. Making it on your own is not as difficult as you may think, and I can tell you that it will help you to grow up and become self sufficient. Pride in one's self rarely is as intense as when you have the pride of knowing you did your thing, your way. The pride of knowing that YOU pay your bills that YOU control the direction of your life. That only YOU are responsible for your happiness. These things will help you mature as well as build self esteem and the next thing you know you won't be that little girl anymore. You won't be alone forever and it will be a life you built and can be proud of and maybe even be willing to share it with someone You gotta get out of this relationship, imo, or you are going to have major regrets as the years go by and even more resentment toward your current BF. If you want the life you dream about you have to go get it. Your dreams will not come to you.
Author SecretlySad Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 Okay well this is your chance to start growing up little girl. Making it on your own is not as difficult as you may think, and I can tell you that it will help you to grow up and become self sufficient. Pride in one's self rarely is as intense as when you have the pride of knowing you did your thing, your way. The pride of knowing that YOU pay your bills that YOU control the direction of your life. That only YOU are responsible for your happiness. These things will help you mature as well as build self esteem and the next thing you know you won't be that little girl anymore. You won't be alone forever and it will be a life you built and can be proud of and maybe even be willing to share it with someone You gotta get out of this relationship, imo, or you are going to have major regrets as the years go by and even more resentment toward your current BF. If you want the life you dream about you have to go get it. Your dreams will not come to you. Thank you, that post was really great. I just don't know how to do this without completely shattering him. He has been so good to me and... I know, I know I shouldn't stay because I feel like I "owe" him, but... oh boy he just doesn't deserve this, but I know I need to stop being so selfish, and weak. It has taken me a long long time to admit to myself that my feelings for him may not be romantic anymore... I just want them to be so badly, you know?
TheLoneSock Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 I'm going to go with what a few others have said. Don't let him go unless you're fully willing to deal with the pain of never having him back again. If he is someone you couldn't bear to go without in your future, that 'greener grass' you're thinking about isn't even close to worth it. What is it you need to prove that you can't do it while being with him? Probably not much.
Die Hard Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Thank you, that post was really great. I just don't know how to do this without completely shattering him. He has been so good to me and... I know, I know I shouldn't stay because I feel like I "owe" him, but... oh boy he just doesn't deserve this, but I know I need to stop being so selfish, and weak. It has taken me a long long time to admit to myself that my feelings for him may not be romantic anymore... I just want them to be so badly, you know? I know. Look at it this way though: is it good for him in the long term to be with someone who doesn't love him "that way" anymore? It sounds to me like his life could use some self examination as well and that he is not really in a good place either. He just doesn't seem to be as aware as you. Like I said, if you ever cared for him you'll do this. It's going to be hard to do and will hurt him but long term it's the right thing to do. You've already checked out, imo, so don't wait until you're ready emotionally to spring this on him. That's not fair to him since he has no chance to be ready emotionally. The honest and mature thing to do is talk to him about this and break up with him. The easy thing to do is what you've been doing, but you want to change that, remember? It's what you have to do to move on to something better.
Author SecretlySad Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 Thanks Die Hard. I was about to call you a meanie in some of your earlier posts lol but you've been really helpful.
Die Hard Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Thanks Die Hard. I was about to call you a meanie in some of your earlier posts lol but you've been really helpful. You're welcome. Truth be told, that's how I tell if someone is willing to at least be open to advice. I be blunt at first and if the get defensive I know they just want to be validated. It's a waste of time posting in that case. At least with you maybe I gave you something to think about. Truth is, there is nothing wrong, imo, for wanting to see if the grass is greener and you shouldn't feel guilty for falling out of love...only for not telling him. Just don't be one of those chicks who only leaves when she has something better in the wings and you're cool with me. I hope it all works out
Author SecretlySad Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 Truth is, there is nothing wrong, imo, for wanting to see if the grass is greener and you shouldn't feel guilty for falling out of love...only for not telling him. Just don't be one of those chicks who only leaves when she has something better in the wings and you're cool with me. Oh gosh no. I hate those kind of nasty people. You're an absolute legend, thanks again.
Phateless Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Time to get out. It sounds like you're struggling to make this work but it's obviously not the right fit anymore. Why force this? You feel guilty. Don't.
Recommended Posts