drawmonkey Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 It's been two and a half months since she dumped me (we had only been going out 2 months). Since then I've basically lost my mind.....horrible depression, suicidal thoughts, I've lost friends, money, etc...it's been awful. I'm doing a lot better now, but I still an obsessed with her and what I lost. A few weeks after the breakup, with the rest of my life in shambles, too, I went into a weird fugue mode, and drove to another state with the thought of killing myself. I eventually snapped out of that and found hep and got home. I found out later I have a pituitary tumor that has been playing havoc with my hormones, worsening my depression exponentially. The worst part is I left her a note. The good part is I found out without a doubt I am incapable, even out of my mind, of hurting myself. A few weeks later, when the smoke was kind of clearing and I was feeling better, some people I am no longer friends with decided it would be funny to pull a prank on Christy and post a "casual encounters" add on craigslist and put her number on it. The backlash from that was her friends threatening myself and my former friends with physical violence, and some very hurtful words for me. This all sent me spiraling again, plus I did not know if the threats were real. So in fear and anger I met their harsh words and threats with some of my own and I talked to lawyer about a restraining order. It all got so freaking crazy. Before I even got the time to have a lawyer send of a waring letter, I got one from her instead. I ripped it drunk that night and mailed it right back to her. with a note to never bother me again. I've had dreams where I'm so angry I hurt her. I'm a frickin' teddy bear, I've never thought of hurting someone, much less an ex, ever. So that **** scares the hell out of me. I've been told that is actually normal, and they're just dreams, but I still do not like it. I think I just subconsciously want her to feel my pain. She used me up, dragged every bit of love out of me, and then tossed me aside. She told me she loved me so very dearly, but it didn't seem to phase her at all to do what she did. I guess if she had shown for a moment it hurt her somewhat, I might have been much better off. When it comes down it though, I just miss her and what we had so very much. I know much of this emotional yo-yoing is from the tumor (which has not been treated yet as I have no insurance currently), but it's still so painful. I have a therapist I go to, but our sessions are usually not very productive as I'm usually a few steps ahead of him. By the time he's saying something I've already been there a hundred times. I'm very good at peeling my own onion, but the problems are still there, no matter how out in the open they are. November 9th will have been 3 months...and I'm still destroyed. I know I will never have that deep of a love, that comfortable of a relationship, that beautiful of a woman, that perfect of a situation ever again, and it's killing me. Anyone else will be settling, and I know this. The rest of my life is also in shambles. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I've been super open just now, which leaves me open to some of the more judgmental posters to rip me to shreds (never understood the kick 'em when they're down tactic...), but I don't care. I just need to post about all this anyway. I just want to feel normal again, to feel like i'm in one piece...to have some hope...
PinkToes Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Hey, I'm so sorry. We've all been there, in one way or another, and it's a horrible pain. It doesn't matter how long the relationship lasted or how it ended. It just sucks. I'm glad you at least know what's been going on for you medically. I don't have any words of advice; just know you're not alone. And if it's an option, maybe consider finding another therapist. It could be just a mismatch and someone else may be able to resonate better with what you need. Hang in there.
adamt Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 We have all been there. You will get over her and move on. It jsut takes time and hard work. What are you doing to help yourself? Keep yourself busy and try not to spend much time alone at home thinking. At some point you will have reached rock bottom and realise you have to begin to get on with your life. you will meet someone else.
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