iamsoolost Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Hey folks, I need some help here, I am at my wits end. I went through a seperation with my wife of 10 years and 3 children early in the year. I was very hurt as she left me for no apparent reason other than money. I got a new job making 100k per year and bam out the door she went. I was very hurt and I think I still am. I cried for weeks unabl;e to eat or sleep. I took it very bad. Not long after we seperated I met someone new and we really hit it off. We are now at an impass and I don't know what to do. The thing is I found out about my ex's plans to milk me for money and keep everythign a secret from me by chance and when I confronted her thats when we seperated. This new lady and I have been soo happy together but I still have major issues that I am trying to deal with. I just can't trust anyone. when people say something to me I just don't believe them. I look for a lie in everything around me. I feel aeful about myself and I feel like a complete loser with nothing to give. She has made me feel so good about myself I feel almost normal but we have had a problem and as I said I don't know what I can do. When we first got together she would poke at me a bit and flirt around. This is a result of her previous relationship where she felt it neccessary to do those things to get a reaction of some sort from her previous man. Several months ago we were on our way into a store and she started going on about how this cute guy in there had a big crush on her and blah blah blah. Well We got into a big fight about it.She is in retail s an assitant at the time and this was a store she used to work with and a guy she used to work with. She has sicne taken a new job a step up for her and I was honestly so happy because she wasn't working with this guy anymore. Then a few weeks ago I find out by chance as he called her when we were out, that she is trying to recruit him to work for her as an assistant. We had a big blow up about it, and I told her I can't deal with him workign for you and that i was pissed that she would try and recruit this guy after we already had a huge fight over him before. I told her that I didn't wat to talk to her about her work anymore and I didn't want anything to do with her work as long as she is going to be hiring this guy. If she felt it neccesary to hire him then i would try and deal with it. Well it turns out she went ahead and hired him. Now we are at a major impass here. I know I should just trust her that she doesn't like him and that I should just get over it but I can't my heart just drops and I feel like **** when she is at work knowing she is working with this guy. I don't know what to do. The reality is that maybe I wasn't ready to be in a relationship and maybe she wasn't either but here we are. Two people that have fallen in love with eachother with a problem.
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 not sure what to tell iasl - I also feel like trust is a HUGE issue for me and I will have a difficult time getting around it in future relationships. I await wise words from LS that maybe will both you and I. The one thing that I feel you should do is both talk. Talk. TALK. Communicate!!!! Both need to talk about your needs and desires in this impasse and see if some compromises can be discovered. If not, then maybe you are better apart. Good Luck my friend.
tojaz Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Guys trust will come with time, your both still messed up from the split. In the future and probably forever, your trust is going to be harder to earn, and to keep. Just like me, you know what can lurk in the shadows and you'll look round every corner and check under the bed for awhile. Thats just going to mean that your standards have been raised and the ladies are going to have to try a little harder to prove themselves to you. Not necessarily a bad thing. TOJAZ
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Guys trust will come with time, your both still messed up from the split. In the future and probably forever, your trust is going to be harder to earn, and to keep. Just like me, you know what can lurk in the shadows and you'll look round every corner and check under the bed for awhile. Thats just going to mean that your standards have been raised and the ladies are going to have to try a little harder to prove themselves to you. Not necessarily a bad thing. TOJAZ The first thing that comes to mind tojaz is how will I know when I trust enough? I guess I will know and I will wait 'til that day comes.
tojaz Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 The first thing that comes to mind tojaz is how will I know when I trust enough? I guess I will know and I will wait 'til that day comes. I don't think there is any indication really. When your willing to let yourself be vulnerable again, then you have trust. I think it's like a little kid venturing into a dark room where there has always been light. Your familiar and aware, yet very cautious so you inch along the wall and gently feel your way through, yet after a while, you know the routine and just march right through able to sidestep all the things you can't see, but now know are there. Just, when your ready, go slow and gentle, and don't be afraid to take a few steps back if you need too. We all learn, heal, and love at our own pace. TOJAZ
Zaragon Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Here's what you do now. Stop fighting or being jealous about another man. Instead make your girlfriend happy and communicate. Tell her you are slightly jealous because you like her so much. But you trust her so it's okay. You just want her to be happy. Often fighting, jealousy, we forget to keep our partner happy and throw them into the arms of another or make them consider how bad this relationship might be. You have to sooner or later just let your love grow. Fake trust her for now and over time you will genuinely trust her. I hope she trusts you as well so it's only fair to not push issues. Take a positive stance and don't think about it.
2.50 a gallon Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 What's your hurry? How exclusive is the relationship? Does she feel the same as you? Tojaz is right, it takes time, the hard reality is you got your head slammed into a concrete wall by your very best friend. From your post it sounds as if you are still dealing with issues and sorry to say she is not helping you in dealing with this new man. Again what is your hurry to fall in love again? Enjoy the relationship, for what it is, happy good times, a breath of fresh air.
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 ..Fake trust her for now and over time you will genuinely trust her. ... Boy, I could be wrong, but that does not sound like good advice ... "Fake" sounds to me like what my STBXW gave me for a while instead of honesty so we could deal with and fix our issues. (Too late now...) no more fake for me in my life...
Author iamsoolost Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 We are extremely exclusive. We talked about this and it really blew up. I am not too sure whats going to happen now. I can just walk away, but I know other than this issue we are very happy and compatable, much more so than with me and my ex. I don't think I can just fake trust her and I told her that I will not do that. I asked her if she would rather me just bottle it inside and not talk about it, or talk about my feelings ans she said she would rather I share my feelings with her. She said she just thought it was no big deal thats why she hired him as she was strapped for finding an assitant and couldn't find anyone else. I don't think anything is going on, well not entirely, well actually to be honest I just have no idea what I think. I told her I can't live every day wondering whats going on being depressed and that I wanted to end the relationship and go spereate ways. She said she would start looking for another job somewhere else if it meant we could stay together. The problem is I don't really think its fair that because of this situation with me she is forced to find a different job. But I truely can't stay with her while she is working with this guy. Its not guys in general its this guy because she "pushed my buttons with him to get a reaction" Well boy did she ever. I haven't really been a jealos or insecure person before my breakup with my ex but I am still just ef'd in the head I think.
tojaz Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Fake trust her for now and over time you will genuinely trust her. Boy, I could be wrong, but that does not sound like good advice ... "Fake" sounds to me like what my STBXW gave me for a while instead of honesty so we could deal with and fix our issues. (Too late now...) no more fake for me in my life... "Fake" something in order to build trust?? I have to agree with FL, this sounds like bad advice. If it were me, I think I would just be honest. Tell her your having a hard time trusting her, but you desperately want to. At least she will know where you both stand. If she really offered to quit in order for you to be more comfortable, I think i would at least try to trust her and ignore him. TOJAZ
Zaragon Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Well, he's the one with the trust issues so I don't think its fair to her per se. If you want to continue fighting over this with your girl go ahead by all means. Even if he tells her how he feels it won't change anything because she seems like the type who'd do the opposite when pushed. Until he doesn't fix himself there's no point. You don't just magically trust someone anyway. Until then you don't act super jealous either. Yeah OP was hurt, life moves on when he choses to.
2.50 a gallon Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 (edited) soolost I was once in your shoes, could not even see the possibilty of ever trusting a woman again. I even took it one step further and resolved to never love again. About 10 years later, I got hammered by my present GF. Both of our thinking was we would become friends with benefits. Cupid nailed me on our second date, and I was in love. This made things most difficult, as she was in my shoes and had resolved to never fall in love again. She was divorced, after a few years of being free, had fallen in love with her boyfriend, lived together for several years, and had only broken up with him about 10 weeks earlier. I was in big trouble, as I knew from the first kiss, that she was someone special. But she was nowhere ready, for any kind of a relationship and still needed her space to sort things out, so she was still wanting to go out on occasions with her girl friends. Any butting in would be viewed as controlling Next problem was her demon daughter, who kept plotting with my GF's XH to get her parents back together. Her daughter is a master of lying, would make up these stories, filled with all the details, to make it sound as if my GF was playing games with my affections. I don't know if I would call if faking it, but there were times, that I had to just suck it up and play the part of a confident suiter. The hardest part was about 6 months later, when I heard that her XBF had returned to our city, had cleaned up his act, had a good job and wanted her back. I am about 8 years older than her, on the short side, never was very muscular, while he was 2 years younger than her, tall, dark and handsome, worked out in the gym, had the 6-pack, etc. I knew that all the begging, pleading and ILY's would just drive her away, so I had to bite my tongue, hope for the best and contiue to act confident. We've now been together for over 14 years and I trust her completely. But the trust was something we built, something we both worked on. It didn't happen over night, it took a couple of years, and in truth it is an on going process, just like the love, it is something we are still building on. Edited October 30, 2009 by 2.50 a gallon
2.50 a gallon Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 soolost I was once in your shoes, could not even see the possibilty of ever trusting a woman again. I even took it one step further and resolved to never love again. About 10 years later, I got hammered by my present GF. Both of our thinking was we would become friends with benefits. Cupid nailed me on our second date, and I was in love. This made things most difficult, as she was in my shoes and had resolved to never fall in love again. She was was divorced, after a few years of being free, had fallen in love with her boyfriend, lived together for several years, and had only broken up with him about 10 weeks earlier. I was in big trouble, as I knew from the first kiss, that she was someone special. But she was nowhere ready, for any kind of a relationship and still needed her space to sort things out, so she was still wanting to go out on occasions with her girl friends. Any butting in would be viewed as controlling Next problem was her demon daughter, who kept plotting with my GF's XH to get her parents back together. Her daughter is a master of lying, would make up these stories, filled with all the details, to make it sound as if my GF was playing games with my affections. I don't know if I would call if faking it, but there were times, that I had to just suck it up and play the part of a confident suiter. The hardest part was about 6 months later, when I heard that her XBF had returned to our city, had cleaned up his act, had a good job and wanted her back. I am about 8 years older than her, on the short side, never was very muscular, while he was 2 years younger than her, tall, dark and handsome, worked out in the gym, had the 6-pack, etc. I knew that all the begging, pleading and ILY's would just drive her away, so I had to bite my tongue, hope for the best and contiue to act confident. We've now been together for over 14 years and I trust her completely. But the trust was something we built, something we both worked on. It didn't happen over night, it took a couple of years, and in truth it is an on going process, just like the love, something we are still building on.
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 soolost I was once in your shoes, could not even see the possibilty of ever trusting a woman again. I even took it one step further and resolved to never love again. About 10 years later, I got hammered by my present GF. Both of our thinking was we would become friends with benefits. Cupid nailed me on our second date, and I was in love. This made things most difficult, as she was in my shoes and had resolved to never fall in love again. She was divorced, after a few years of being free, had fallen in love with her boyfriend, lived together for several years, and had only broken up with him about 10 weeks earlier. I was in big trouble, as I knew from the first kiss, that she was someone special. But she was nowhere ready, for any kind of a relationship and still needed her space to sort things out, so she was still wanting to go out on occasions with her girl friends. Any butting in would be viewed as controlling Next problem was her demon daughter, who kept plotting with my GF's XH to get her parents back together. Her daughter is a master of lying, would make up these stories, filled with all the details, to make it sound as if my GF was playing games with my affections. I don't know if I would call if faking it, but there were times, that I had to just suck it up and play the part of a confident suiter. The hardest part was about 6 months later, when I heard that her XBF had returned to our city, had cleaned up his act, had a good job and wanted her back. I am about 8 years older than her, on the short side, never was very muscular, while he was 2 years younger than her, tall, dark and handsome, worked out in the gym, had the 6-pack, etc. I knew that all the begging, pleading and ILY's would just drive her away, so I had to bite my tongue, hope for the best and contiue to act confident. We've now been together for over 14 years and I trust her completely. But the trust was something we built, something we both worked on. It didn't happen over night, it took a couple of years, and in truth it is an on going process, just like the love, it is something we are still building on. Wow - fell in love on 2nd date to someone who did not want a relationship at the time and been together for 14 years? Congrats. Did you marry her?
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