So....anyone ever think that happiness is not meant for everyone?

[pandagirl]

I think making happiness dependent upon finding someone is itself an easy way to lead to UNhappiness.

 

In general, when we want something we can't have, we're unhappy, whether it's a pair of shoes, a car...or a person, right? Maybe I'm getting too philosophical, but we need to let go of that wanting, and be happy with the present and what we have. It's all very abstract, but once we're able to do that, things will seem a lot brighter and better and thus happier.

 

Listen, I hate dating and the pain of relationships as much as anyone else, but I can honestly say, at 31, I am happier than I've ever been. My life doesn't depend on finding "the one." I try to find meaning in every aspect of my life and it is fulfilling.

 

A mate could enhance my life as my friends and family do, but I know my happiness will never depend on someone else providing it.

 

Big picture -- things aren't so bad! Plus, I know PLENTY of women who didn't get married and have children until 35+.

[Sam Spade]

We always want more, better, bigger....but that doesnt mean we arent happy while desiring it. Happiness does not equal a lack of desire for further enlightenment or aquisition, does it? As animals we must continue to aquire to move through life. If I buy a shirt today I probably won't still be wearing it to work in ten years from now. I'll want something new, something more up to date, something less faded or worn out. That applies to many areas of life, but wanting more does not preclude being happy. Emotional happiness is far harder to satiate than materialistic ones, msot of the time. I mean, yeah, I could be very happy without a private jet. Then again, someone starving in a third world country would probably kill to be in my warm apartment with my fridge full of food, my TV, my family and friends a phone call away, my paycheck that I find to be a trivial pathetic mess with respect to the type and amount of work I do, but it's probably more than they've seen in a lifetime. It's all relevant. But I have to tell you, it doesnt measure their happiness. Emotional satiation is barring financial status, its totally irrelevant, though I get your reasoning and agree in theory to that degree.

 

 

There is nothign wrong with wonting more and better, as long as that does not become a (self-imposed...) precondition for happiness - as in "If I could just increase my income by 20%, THEN I'd be happy", "If I could only replace my car - then I'd be happy" "If I could get that promotion..." etc. etc. etc.

The problem is that humans adapt to their circumstances (be it improvement or worsening) almost *instantly* (this has been studied academically), and the end result is that the level of happiness is pretty much constant, regardless of circumstances - because no matter what happens to you, you take it for granted quickly and reenter whatever emotional state you were in before things happened. So that's the true explanation why happiness isn't really explained through chances in circumstances.

So, I like to buy new suits on a regular basis (this makes me happy !), but that's not a precondition for my happiness, because I like the ones I already have just fine (and certainly hope to be wearing them in 10 years!).

[BookerT]

TBF, curious, what happened to your old account?

 

OP, pain is weakness leaving he body. (US marine corp)

 

Pain can do two things to you. It can either crush you and depress you, or motivate you to make significant changes in how you see and do things.

 

Right now you're in danger of being crushed if you let it get you do.

 

Instead let the pain motivate you to see relationships in a more realistic way and you will find happiness that way.

 

Here are some suggestions:

 

Many men will be chasing you for sex or short term companionship, or the real deal, so learn to filter them out early.

 

Don't build fantasies around any men, take them for who they really are.

 

Slow down the courtship process because if a man was really interested then he'll hang around.

[mushmush]

TBF = new name, new beginning so to speak..

 

 

 

 

OP.. I've kinda accepted that im single and I might not ever find that special someone. Quite honestly after the last few relationships i've had I'm much happier single. It does not bother me one bit at all as I'm really happy with my life, my career, my family and who I am as a person.. If someone did come along however that I would like to sweep off their feet, it would just be the iceing on the cake

[EcstasyX6]

People mature and change perceptions over time, but I don't think you should entirely change what you think happiness should be. Your preferences are part of your personality and what make you uniquely you. I suppose that's why Im often unhappy, particularly when it comes to relationships, but Im often this way about many parts of my life. I hold a high standard to things and nothing is ever good enough. Sometimes I wonder if I should have just settled for my ex of four years from college who quite diligently wished to get married back in the day, but I knew I'd never be in love with him, only loved him, and that subtle difference was something I couldnt do. I dont know. I start to get older and occasionally wonder if settling is really what most people do anyway. I've always been such a hopless romantic, or was in my younger days (not that Im old now...but 27 is pushing me into the next age bracket shortly.)

 

If the reality of romance is a round hole, and I am a square peg, my choices are to hope that a rare square hole finds its way to me....or just give up and whittle myself down, peeling off the layers that make me uniquely me just so I can fit into the circle hole like everyone else.

 

Perhaps I'll change my mind one day but I haven't been able to muster up to total ability to do that yet. Despite my cynicism I think sometimes i still have some hope that my insistance on being true to my desires will pay off.

 

I may be crying alone when Im 50 of course, which could suck....but whose to say if I was in a relationship now it would make a difference later anyway? I don't know. It's a fine line between acceptance of "reality", and altering your perceptions to fit them, or to truly change who you are just so that you're not dissapointed anymore. If you change your perceptions so much to fit a mold of "happiness" that you feel is more conveneient, at what point are you no longer yourself anymore? I've always had trouble with that....trying to accept things if they don't naturally sit right with me. Perhaps that can be changed on a cognitive-behavioural level, I don't know.

 

 

Kis,

You made me well up, because you and I seem to share a love philosophy except that I'm on the other side of the coin. I'm proof that changing your perceptions to fit reality making yourself content can be a long road to disaster. Because I was married (in the process of a divorce) to an intelligent, sweet man, lived in a nice house, had 2 kids, and access to most material things that I wanted, it appeared to all observers that I should be happy. So, I made myself happy by behaving appropriately(as my therapist suggested-act like you're in love, and you will be), and making myself content, but for years I knew something didn't sit right with me. The mental attraction to him was there, but the physical, and just plain old life way that we saw life and wanted to live it were very different. That nagging feeling that something was missing kept popping up because I knew that I didn't have that deep love for my husband. (There were other relationship problems that I won't discuss here.) Some people are just more accepting or easily pleased than others, and some of us strive for a higher existence.

 

I was happy with my life, but unhappy with whom I was sharing it. I did not expect him to be the source of my joy,for the most part, my children and career are and were, but I did not want to skip down the yellow brick road of life with him anymore. It more than sucks for him because he was happy, but I couldn't play the spouse who just accepted everything because it was unfair to him as well. Some people can. However, as a woman in my mid 40's, I had accepted that I'd been given a good shot at it, failed at marriage, and would never meet the illusive 'man of my dreams', and I was ok with that, but that's when I met 'Mr. Wonderful'.(he's got a few faults-see my other threads), but who doesn't. You'll never find a flawless individual, and if you think you will, you're kidding yourself, but if you find one that suits most of your needs, then bingo.

 

You're still young!!! My new bf and I have already discussed getting married and having a baby and we both have teenaged and grown children!! (yes, he's now the OM, until my divorce is through-for another thread:o)...I think he's nuts, but there's still plenty of time for you even though I know it's tough for you to see it that way. I never at my age thought with the slim pickins out here, and my elderly status:D as a female, that I'd meet someone marriageable, let alone someone for a long term relationship.

 

All you mentioned was work and going to bars with your friends I believe. What is it that you like to do for enjoyment? Biking? Hiking? Running? Did you mention that you are a physician. Join a club of some sort...with men in it!! The sky is the limit for you woman! Do you attend medical conferences in other cities? Join medical specialty groups? I know you work a lot of odd hours, but you must make time for yourself.

 

I know NYC sounds scary, but really it's an adventure! When I first read your post, I assumed you lived in the middle of nowhere. NY is near you!!! You don't have to aimlessly wander through the streets, but if you get into the things you enjoy(museums, cultural events, street fairs), and you say you're an attractive woman, you're bound to meet someone interesting. Guys that approach a woman at a bar typically are not, but those who are doing things are.

[espec10001]

If you're referring to religion, or fate, I suppose it doesn't matter which as they're same basic theory (pre-determined destiny or other omnipotence controling our lives out of our own control). In either event, I agree in some ways.

 

Many of those who have "changed the world" were often single, strange, eccentric and lonely people, however brilliant and intelligent or genius they were. It's easier to find a cure for cancer or make masterpieces when you spend 18 hours a day honing your craft and are not raggedly running after children or spending time with your spouse and family all the time. I like to think there are ways to balance the two, but let's be honest....people who are "genius" are more often than not the lonely and eccentric types, because its those that have nothing else to do but perfect that which they are good at.

 

I myself have chosen a career path that is historically life-killing with respect to time spent in education, training and work hours, depending on the level of mastery you want to have. There are doctors who balance social life, work, and family, but generally the ones who happily do so are certain easier specialties. Especially those that are women. You will rarely find a female neurosurgeon at the top of her field who is also a wife and mother of three children and also has time to go to school meetings, soccer games on weekends, and bake cupcakes for the kids' birthdays all while staying sexy for the husband and spending some quality time with family and friends alike. In a perfect world that would be reality but this world is far from perfect.

 

i always prided myself on being smarter than most, and desperately wanted to be the best at something. I wanted a passionate endeavor I could call my own, that i could be amazing at. But at the same time, I think I always told myslf that if I could choose between being the one to find a cure for cancer (but being horribly alone), or being just a regular doctor, enjoying my work but not spending 18 hours a day working, and I found the love of my life and had a family I loved....I have to say I would pick the latter. Sure, it's a risk, and maybe I get divorced and wake up at 60 and regret that I wasn't the one to find the cancer cure, wasting my time on a man that wasn't the one, but I have to say I would hav risked it. My problem was that I didn't want to risk it on a whim. I didn't want to risk it on just anyone, or settle. I HAVE felt that amazing feeling of love, that feeling of looking at someone and thinking that despite all the things they did to anger me, I wanted to wake up every morning for the rest of my life and see their face, from youth to old age. That's the rare feeling I miss and that I have become cynical about every finding in longevity. It just seems to be never the right time....wrong age, wrong time, wrong place, wrong situation, it's always something.

 

if this is fate's way of telling me I should go cure cancer instead, I have to say, I find it mildly unfair. Nature should have then also made me ugly, dull, and asexual, in which case I would have had no question over what I should contribute to this world. So, if this is the work of a god, then he or she is a cruel jokester. I never was a big religious person (no offense to those who are of course). Never ruled out the existance, as that would just be un-scientific of me ;-), but can't blindly believe either. My name on here, KismetGirl, is a bit of an irony then, as my whole life I wanted to believe there was a purpose for everything that happened, btu sometimes I have to wonder if it's really all just effing random and purposeless. Chaos theory rules, it would seem.

 

What is it that you really desire? Do you want love or power? You can't have both.

[Jersey Shortie]

I think sometimes we get more of a pay-off being unhappy then we do happy. I couldn't really tell you why. It's not that happiness isn't meant for everyone. It's if you really want to be happy, that' s what you need to ask yourself.

[pandagirl]

If you're referring to religion, or fate, I suppose it doesn't matter which as they're same basic theory (pre-determined destiny or other omnipotence controling our lives out of our own control). In either event, I agree in some ways.

 

Many of those who have "changed the world" were often single, strange, eccentric and lonely people, however brilliant and intelligent or genius they were. It's easier to find a cure for cancer or make masterpieces when you spend 18 hours a day honing your craft and are not raggedly running after children or spending time with your spouse and family all the time. I like to think there are ways to balance the two, but let's be honest....people who are "genius" are more often than not the lonely and eccentric types, because its those that have nothing else to do but perfect that which they are good at.

 

I myself have chosen a career path that is historically life-killing with respect to time spent in education, training and work hours, depending on the level of mastery you want to have. There are doctors who balance social life, work, and family, but generally the ones who happily do so are certain easier specialties. Especially those that are women. You will rarely find a female neurosurgeon at the top of her field who is also a wife and mother of three children and also has time to go to school meetings, soccer games on weekends, and bake cupcakes for the kids' birthdays all while staying sexy for the husband and spending some quality time with family and friends alike. In a perfect world that would be reality but this world is far from perfect.

 

i always prided myself on being smarter than most, and desperately wanted to be the best at something. I wanted a passionate endeavor I could call my own, that i could be amazing at. But at the same time, I think I always told myslf that if I could choose between being the one to find a cure for cancer (but being horribly alone), or being just a regular doctor, enjoying my work but not spending 18 hours a day working, and I found the love of my life and had a family I loved....I have to say I would pick the latter. Sure, it's a risk, and maybe I get divorced and wake up at 60 and regret that I wasn't the one to find the cancer cure, wasting my time on a man that wasn't the one, but I have to say I would hav risked it. My problem was that I didn't want to risk it on a whim. I didn't want to risk it on just anyone, or settle. I HAVE felt that amazing feeling of love, that feeling of looking at someone and thinking that despite all the things they did to anger me, I wanted to wake up every morning for the rest of my life and see their face, from youth to old age. That's the rare feeling I miss and that I have become cynical about every finding in longevity. It just seems to be never the right time....wrong age, wrong time, wrong place, wrong situation, it's always something.

 

if this is fate's way of telling me I should go cure cancer instead, I have to say, I find it mildly unfair. Nature should have then also made me ugly, dull, and asexual, in which case I would have had no question over what I should contribute to this world. So, if this is the work of a god, then he or she is a cruel jokester. I never was a big religious person (no offense to those who are of course). Never ruled out the existance, as that would just be un-scientific of me ;-), but can't blindly believe either. My name on here, KismetGirl, is a bit of an irony then, as my whole life I wanted to believe there was a purpose for everything that happened, btu sometimes I have to wonder if it's really all just effing random and purposeless. Chaos theory rules, it would seem.

 

I see what you are getting at -- I totally do -- but I think you are making things out to be much more complicated than they really are. Life isn't either/or, black or white.

 

I used to try to control what happened, and then I realized there was no way I could ever do that. It is possible to guide your life though. You take what comes to you, little by little, day by day.

 

What's the point in worrying about the future? Anything we think is just fiction.