So....anyone ever think that happiness is not meant for everyone?

[KismetGirl]

I know that sounds pessimistic, but in a way it is just being realistic, isn't it?

 

Maybe I tend to be more cynical than most on the inside about this sort of thing, I can't help but wonder about that whole notion that "there's someone for everyone".

 

I kind of think that statement is total bollocks. People tell me "oh KG, you're smart and funny and pretty and a good person, there's someone out there for you, you just haven't met him yet."

 

Maybe that's true, but it might not be, right? Who cares if Im smart and funny and pretty and a good person? Does that mean there has to be some guy out there for me? No, I don't really think so. I guess I'm sort of firmly in the belief that yes, for some people, true happiness just doesn't exist.

 

Don't get me wrong, my life could be alot worse overall, but I think that, for most people ,spending the rest of their lives single is not included in the overall picture when your average person envisions a "happy life". Even for those that aren't big fans of marriage or children of their own, they all enjoy having companionship, sex, love, etc. with the right person. If some prefer to be alone all the time, chances are its not because they like being alone, but rather they feel they've been hurt too much in the past and it's a defensive stance against being hurt again in the future.

 

Am I making sense? I guess my point is that I'm sick of hearing from everyone my whole life that "it's bound to happen sooner or later". I see no logic whatsoever behind this statement or assumption, and as illogical as emotions are, I need some logic in my life. My friend keeps telling me I'm being pessimistic and cynical when I just think I'm being realistic. Some people are always in relationships, and some people are always single, and some people never have functional relationships that last, ever. I think I fall into the last one or two categories and am pretty much convinced this is how it's going to stay. I don't have problems with the occasional friends-with-benefits situation, I've done that before happily for a while, but the games that some people play are just insufferably frustrating to the point where I want to scream.

 

Not sure I have a question, per say, so much as I am ranting, but I wonder how many people out there feel the same way? Specifically, that the whole notion of "there's a person out there for everything" exists. If you want to get really semantic about it, we could say someone exists, but there's a good change you'll never meet them anyway, which is the same difference.

 

Love sucks, and frankly I wish I could remove the part of my brain that instills in me a desire for relationships/love/companionship on a romantic level. It's a huge distraction and has probably brought way more misery, at least in my life, than it's done good. I try to tell myself that every experience is a learning experience, but I think I'm just frustrated lately and not believing it much some days. Like today. I was perusing facebook today in a fit of boredom, and I tend to stay friendly with most guys I've dated or hooked up with at some point, so have got loads of them on my "friend list". It occured to me today upon perusing that every single one of the guys I've dated and broken up with over the last five years is now in a new relationship. Pictures don't always tell the whole story, but by and large I have to say they all look pretty happy. I have got two weddings I've gone to this year of friends, and three set for next year. Had two the year before that. My friends are all starting to get married, then buy houses, then have kids, whatever. We're at that "oh look at us we're all nearing 30 and becoming adults" phase. In my entire group of friends, there are 3 single people. Me, one other girl who is one year out of a ten year relationship, and one other guy who I love to death but has never had a real girlfriend in his life. Every other bloody person I know is in a happy serious relationship. It's driving me bonkers. I spent years fawning over a married guy I knew I could never be with, and even when I tried to date other people AND I actually liked those other guys on occasion, it never worked out.

 

I swear I have no idea anymore what Im doing wrong. I've tried it every which way. Fast and slow; local dating and long distance; married and single; meeting online or meeting through friends or meeting while out; having sex early in the relationship or not doing it at all until many dates in. I swear I have tried every shape, way and form of dating and approaching dating and nothing works. People get to know me and they like me, they seem to be physically attracted to me, things are going well and then , poof, something just happens. I'm at a loss. I don't effing know what I'm doing wrong anymore other than to assume that fate has decided I am f**king unworthy of total happiness.

 

I'm so...so....very tired. *sigh* Sorry. That was long. Back to work....

[Ilovecake]

I think you make your own happiness. If you depend on someone else to create it for you than yeah it probably won't exist. If you think of relationships as the icing on the cake instead of it being the whole cake you will be a much happier person.

[KismetGirl]

I think you make your own happiness. If you depend on someone else to create it for you than yeah it probably won't exist.

 

 

Ok, maybe I used the wrong words because you are missing my point. I do think it is the icing on the cake, but i also think the cake is never really as good as when its got a great icing or topping. It's just missing something. Which is kind of what I meant when I said "total" happiness.

 

How about if I phrase it "not everyone is meant to find love/companionship/relationships that are happy" whatever. something along those lines.

 

And anyway....I know plenty of people with great jobs, great houses, lots of money, lots of friends, family, and everything else and they are still not fully happy. They are happy, but they seem to think something is missing.

 

On the other hand, I know plenty of people who are mediocre financially, mediocre materialistic statuses, maybe even have limited family and/or friends, but if they are in a great relationship, the rest of the cr*p seems to somehow become bearable. See it all the time.

 

Right then...

[2sure]

Perception.

I am starting to think that my perception of what happiness is, what I need to be happy...has been based on my own stereotypes and has been a bit off.

 

Ive always known I'm a bit different, and recently I'm thinking Ive been trying to shove a square peg in a round hole.

[espec10001]

Happiness isn't found in external things including people, it is found inside, through internal peace. I used to dwell on the fact that I would never find anyone, that everywhere I looked it was happy couples that seemed like they had it together. But it is illusion. I no longer feel jealous because those who are married or in long term relationships are looking in the wrong places for fulfillment.

 

I have replaced my feelings and thoughts to a higher purpose, understanding that I have work to do in this world that has nothing to do with finding a mate or reproducing. We must elevate our consciousness, but we need help. We can't dwell entirely on our animalistic drives to reproduce because if we do not make the Earth a better place to live for our children we are merely perpetuating the cycle of the cruel and bitter existence that is the human condition.

 

I am a firm believer that those who are single for long periods of time is the Commander In Chief's signal that you have a higher purpose that you need to devote your time to, and that you should be honored to have that duty bestowed upon you. You have a purpose in life that few people have. Being single is a blessing, and if on your journey you find another whom you can share the experience with, great. If not, you still have your purpose.

[Sam Spade]

Here's a thought: our comfortable western culture places way too much importance of individual happiness, and related - for some reason finding a mate is allocated a disproportionate (and undeserved) credit as a "cause" of that happiness. The result, surprisingly, is a self-enslavement - generations of people who are unhappy for no reason other than the idea that it is always possible to squeeze some more pleasure/"self-fulfillment"/whatever out of life.

 

My view is that happiness is neither the only, nor the most important thing in life. My point being not that we shouldn't pursue happiness (), but that we shouldn't allow ourselves to get limited by the idea that that's the only pursuit that matters (the obvious extension is that happiness is conditional on external circumstances). But no, it doesn't (matter that much). Other things, such as doing the right thing on a daily basis and going to bed with a sense of self-worth and accomplishment are often way more important.

 

In the spirit or doing what I'm preaching, I've stopped asking myself if I'm happy long time ago (And instead ask "What would Sam Spade do ?")

[Sam Spade]

 

And anyway....I know plenty of people with great jobs, great houses, lots of money, lots of friends, family, and everything else and they are still not fully happy. They are happy, but they seem to think something is missing.

 

On the other hand, I know plenty of people who are mediocre financially, mediocre materialistic statuses, maybe even have limited family and/or friends, but if they are in a great relationship, the rest of the cr*p seems to somehow become bearable. See it all the time.

 

Right then...

 

Their relationships are just as mediocre as all other aspects of their life. And, that's not a bad thing. It's a great thing. The difference is that some people find happiness in being content with whatever they're given, while others will always compare themselves to whatever they percieve as "better", and as a result will be perpetually unfulfilled. For example, I bet that even the rich people you refer to feel destitute, just because they can't replace their BMW with a Bentley like the suit down the street (who has a Bentley, but is still feeling destitute, because he can't afford a private jet). etc.

[Vertex]

Honestly, I try to look at it at logically as I can.

 

Some people say "don't depend on others" when they personally have that need fulfilled already (boy/girlfriend, great family/circle of friends, etc). Although this advice is also given from people who are indeed single and find happiness in other ways, the key question is "Where do we look when we're not finding happiness through current efforts?" Others say "happiness is a state of mind," and, while true, we feel what we feel, and it's hard to simply trick yourself into thinking that what matters to you actually doesn't in order to artificially numb your preferences -- which I don't think is the intent, but many think this way because they don't know how to change their situation. "It'll happen sooner or later" is more a statement of placation and possibility than it is a statistical or logical truth. If you spend all your time in your room or at work around the same people you've ruled out, change will come slowly, for instance.

 

Is it necessarily a bad thing to pursue happiness? Absolutely not -- I personally believe that, as humans, "meaning" is purely an evolutionary construct that we've become equipped with by simply being human. Nothing has inherent meaning objectively speaking, but as humans that can interpret utility/happiness, it makes sense that we should want to live happy lives.

 

But what to do when we're not happy with our current situation, and yet understanding of the fact that humans are very adaptable and will likely always be looking for greener grass? I personally think there's nothing wrong with looking for greener grass, as long as it's the right grass. There's nothing wrong with always wanting more -- this doesn't mean you can't appreciate what you have. You can still stay with the same person, for instance, and simply want to make more OUT of it and constantly improve the relationship. That being said, I find that if I am not reaching a goal, I need to figure out why. I'm currently having the same problem, and I broke it down into a few things:

 

1. Meeting more people -> More friends -> More opportunities that someone you'll meet is willing to date and more opportunities that a friend can help introduce you to someone they know. Again, if you're always spending your time around the same group of people with no light at the end of the tunnel, more change is going to need to come from your end, which is harder to do.

 

2. If you're meeting lots of people and things still aren't working out, maybe priorities are skewed. Are you going after the same type of people each time and getting shot down by the same reasons/causes? Maybe there are different types of people to pursue that still have the fundamental traits you're after?

 

3. If you're with a diverse bunch and things still aren't working, look to yourself -- are you giving off a signal that is inadvertently working to your disadvantage? What about your attitude? Are you confident or always self-defeating and lacking in self-respect? People can pick up on this pretty easily, just as I am sure you can pick up on it in others.

 

 

In general, I think everyone is capable of being happy, but I don't think it's always some natural, magic occurrence that just hits everyone. Sometimes we have to put ourselves in the right spot in the right place at the right time in order to maximize our happiness, and this can oftentimes take a lot of personal insight and thought. That being said, I do think you are responsible for your own happiness, because you're the one in control of your life, and your life's constructs are what determine how you feel about the situations at hand.

 

Everyone is capable of being happy -- not everyone is capable of knowing how to find it for themselves.

 

Sorry if that was longwinded, but I hope it helps -- you said you wanted a "logical" approach, so that is my best attempt, haha.

Edited October 26, 2009 by Vertex

[SadandConfusedWA]

There is no such thing as happiness not being meant for everyone, but there are people who continuously make wrong choices.

 

Many women believe that they need that crazy passionate "in love" feeling to date someone long term or marry. Reality is, this happens to a very few people (marrying someone that they madly in love with that is). From the couples I have observed, there are probably 10% or less where both parties are crazy in love. There are quite a few where one is "crazy in love" and the other is settling (sucks pretty badly for the "crazy in love" person). There are also many marriages where people marry for practical reasons and companionship and go on to have reasonably happy lives.

 

As I am entering my 30's and have always been of a mind set that I either want it all or nothing (meaning I will either marry someone I am madly in love with or stay single forever) - I look back on many great guys that I have broken up with over the years - all of them now married, and realize that I have been chasing after something that doesn't really exist (or exists for a very few people).

 

Of course, I could chose to settle now, but the quality of single guys around my age has greatly decreased. Most have been snatched up by more forward thinking women. Settling at 25 is a lot better deal than settling at 30. We also lose our looks as we age, and that's a pretty huge deal. Point being that type of guys that I was able to get at 25 - I have no chance of getting now.

 

As I am approaching my 31 birthday, I realize my mistakes but feel this quiet acceptance that I will remain single. I don't strive anymore, and I don't go out much either. In other words, I have given up. And those that tell you that you will meet someone when you give up or when you least expect it - complete and utter BS!

[627]

there isn't someone for everyone, I know many who are old and single, ranging from a physics doctor who lives next door(she was very beautiful in her young age, and she makes loads of money) stayed single, she's past her 50's now... by far and single

my uncle, almost same story

my mom's friend, she past her 30 s, she's beautiful, but still never got married, but it's her fault she never knew what she wanted

 

seing all these example around me I realise, time is precious, you have what? 10 years to get married? (women from 20 to 30 and men from 25 to 35(guys need to have a job and an appartment first))

many don't take it seriously, you will only be young for this time, you can't keep waiting for a mr or misses right that will blow you out of your mind

 

and as a biology student I take evolution very seriously survival of the fittest, if you don't do your best, someone will come and take that mate from you some do their best and still fail because of that

 

there is also the 105 rule thing according to which there is always a 2 to 3% excess of males in any given population

[aerogurl87]

The only way you'll ever have a happy relationship is when you're happy because happiness like unhappiness is contagious. When you're happy with you, your partner will be happy, and thus a happy relationship can be built and can thrive. So yes, I believe everyone can find happiness in a partner, but before that can happen they have to create happiness for themselves. I'm also not a believer in happily ever after since happiness is a fleeting emotion. But I do believe in best friends forever and that's what I want. I don't need or want prince charming to save me but I would love to spend the rest of my life with the most awesome best friend I can find and have him as my husband.

[AD1980]

I suppose it's possible there's not someone for everyone, although I doubt that. I don't buy into the soulmate theory.

 

 

i agree..

 

I see too many people emotinally and physically cheat at work now because they spend allot of time together

 

It shows theres allot of people how you are attracted to on a physical and meotional level that if u met at the right time could have married and the perosn your with isnt all that special in terms of the bond you have..

 

You just happeend to meet him or her at the right time beofre these other people

[LucreziaBorgia]

Love sucks, and frankly I wish I could remove the part of my brain that instills in me a desire for relationships/love/companionship on a romantic level. It's a huge distraction and has probably brought way more misery, at least in my life, than it's done good.

 

I feel the exact same way. I am slowly reaching the acceptance point though that there isn't going to be a 'happily ever after' for me. At least not in the 'romance/love' department.

[KismetGirl]

Perception.

I am starting to think that my perception of what happiness is, what I need to be happy...has been based on my own stereotypes and has been a bit off.

 

Ive always known I'm a bit different, and recently I'm thinking Ive been trying to shove a square peg in a round hole.

 

People mature and change perceptions over time, but I don't think you should entirely change what you think happiness should be. Your preferences are part of your personality and what make you uniquely you. I suppose that's why Im often unhappy, particularly when it comes to relationships, but Im often this way about many parts of my life. I hold a high standard to things and nothing is ever good enough. Sometimes I wonder if I should have just settled for my ex of four years from college who quite diligently wished to get married back in the day, but I knew I'd never be in love with him, only loved him, and that subtle difference was something I couldnt do. I dont know. I start to get older and occasionally wonder if settling is really what most people do anyway. I've always been such a hopless romantic, or was in my younger days (not that Im old now...but 27 is pushing me into the next age bracket shortly.)

 

If the reality of romance is a round hole, and I am a square peg, my choices are to hope that a rare square hole finds its way to me....or just give up and whittle myself down, peeling off the layers that make me uniquely me just so I can fit into the circle hole like everyone else.

 

Perhaps I'll change my mind one day but I haven't been able to muster up to total ability to do that yet. Despite my cynicism I think sometimes i still have some hope that my insistance on being true to my desires will pay off.

 

I may be crying alone when Im 50 of course, which could suck....but whose to say if I was in a relationship now it would make a difference later anyway? I don't know. It's a fine line between acceptance of "reality", and altering your perceptions to fit them, or to truly change who you are just so that you're not dissapointed anymore. If you change your perceptions so much to fit a mold of "happiness" that you feel is more conveneient, at what point are you no longer yourself anymore? I've always had trouble with that....trying to accept things if they don't naturally sit right with me. Perhaps that can be changed on a cognitive-behavioural level, I don't know.

[Sam Spade]

i agree..

 

I see too many people emotinally and physically cheat at work now because they spend allot of time together

 

It shows theres allot of people how you are attracted to on a physical and meotional level that if u met at the right time could have married and the perosn your with isnt all that special in terms of the bond you have..

 

You just happeend to meet him or her at the right time beofre these other people

 

 

Well, yeah, but here is where doing the right thing comes into play. While our mates are probably not exceptional (much like ourselves), the new faces at work aren't that exceptional either. Getting older improving the chances of finding a mate only insofar it increases the likelihood of not repeating the boneheaded mistakes made with just as suitable mates in younger years. But this is also mediated by the shrinking pool.

[melodymatters]

Sociologically, we are pack animals who thrive in social groups and are hard wired to be paired up, even if it's serial monogomy.

 

Statistically, it would be almost impossible for ALL of us, to have functional relationships, let alone happy relationships.

 

Somethings gotta give:(

 

I feel like that game "Mystery Date", where I already had my ration of swoony guys, some were worth it and some not, a few were magical, and the best of them all is dead.

 

I guess I accept that there are no more Aces in the deck for me, but NO ONE will ever convince me that a life without romantic love is truly worth living, it's just doing time.

 

I suppose it must be easier when your post menopausal, doting on your grandkids, going on cruises with your girl friend, joining the red hat club.....

 

And Yeah ! Face book is making me sick : every other person I know is experiencing some retro love crap via the internet, TWO weddings coming up, and all "I" see is old pals very happily coupled, rasing kids, buying houses and puppies and planning for the Holidays !

 

 

BUT, a year ago, I would have told you to look outside your box and you might be happily surprised as I was.

 

Life is perception I guess, I sure can't figure out what is the truth anymore..........

[KismetGirl]

Happiness isn't found in external things including people, it is found inside, through internal peace. I used to dwell on the fact that I would never find anyone, that everywhere I looked it was happy couples that seemed like they had it together. But it is illusion. I no longer feel jealous because those who are married or in long term relationships are looking in the wrong places for fulfillment.

 

I have replaced my feelings and thoughts to a higher purpose, understanding that I have work to do in this world that has nothing to do with finding a mate or reproducing. We must elevate our consciousness, but we need help. We can't dwell entirely on our animalistic drives to reproduce because if we do not make the Earth a better place to live for our children we are merely perpetuating the cycle of the cruel and bitter existence that is the human condition.

 

I am a firm believer that those who are single for long periods of time is the Commander In Chief's signal that you have a higher purpose that you need to devote your time to, and that you should be honored to have that duty bestowed upon you. You have a purpose in life that few people have. Being single is a blessing, and if on your journey you find another whom you can share the experience with, great. If not, you still have your purpose.

 

If you're referring to religion, or fate, I suppose it doesn't matter which as they're same basic theory (pre-determined destiny or other omnipotence controling our lives out of our own control). In either event, I agree in some ways.

 

Many of those who have "changed the world" were often single, strange, eccentric and lonely people, however brilliant and intelligent or genius they were. It's easier to find a cure for cancer or make masterpieces when you spend 18 hours a day honing your craft and are not raggedly running after children or spending time with your spouse and family all the time. I like to think there are ways to balance the two, but let's be honest....people who are "genius" are more often than not the lonely and eccentric types, because its those that have nothing else to do but perfect that which they are good at.

 

I myself have chosen a career path that is historically life-killing with respect to time spent in education, training and work hours, depending on the level of mastery you want to have. There are doctors who balance social life, work, and family, but generally the ones who happily do so are certain easier specialties. Especially those that are women. You will rarely find a female neurosurgeon at the top of her field who is also a wife and mother of three children and also has time to go to school meetings, soccer games on weekends, and bake cupcakes for the kids' birthdays all while staying sexy for the husband and spending some quality time with family and friends alike. In a perfect world that would be reality but this world is far from perfect.

 

i always prided myself on being smarter than most, and desperately wanted to be the best at something. I wanted a passionate endeavor I could call my own, that i could be amazing at. But at the same time, I think I always told myslf that if I could choose between being the one to find a cure for cancer (but being horribly alone), or being just a regular doctor, enjoying my work but not spending 18 hours a day working, and I found the love of my life and had a family I loved....I have to say I would pick the latter. Sure, it's a risk, and maybe I get divorced and wake up at 60 and regret that I wasn't the one to find the cancer cure, wasting my time on a man that wasn't the one, but I have to say I would hav risked it. My problem was that I didn't want to risk it on a whim. I didn't want to risk it on just anyone, or settle. I HAVE felt that amazing feeling of love, that feeling of looking at someone and thinking that despite all the things they did to anger me, I wanted to wake up every morning for the rest of my life and see their face, from youth to old age. That's the rare feeling I miss and that I have become cynical about every finding in longevity. It just seems to be never the right time....wrong age, wrong time, wrong place, wrong situation, it's always something.

 

if this is fate's way of telling me I should go cure cancer instead, I have to say, I find it mildly unfair. Nature should have then also made me ugly, dull, and asexual, in which case I would have had no question over what I should contribute to this world. So, if this is the work of a god, then he or she is a cruel jokester. I never was a big religious person (no offense to those who are of course). Never ruled out the existance, as that would just be un-scientific of me ;-), but can't blindly believe either. My name on here, KismetGirl, is a bit of an irony then, as my whole life I wanted to believe there was a purpose for everything that happened, btu sometimes I have to wonder if it's really all just effing random and purposeless. Chaos theory rules, it would seem.

[KismetGirl]

Their relationships are just as mediocre as all other aspects of their life. And, that's not a bad thing. It's a great thing. The difference is that some people find happiness in being content with whatever they're given, while others will always compare themselves to whatever they percieve as "better", and as a result will be perpetually unfulfilled. For example, I bet that even the rich people you refer to feel destitute, just because they can't replace their BMW with a Bentley like the suit down the street (who has a Bentley, but is still feeling destitute, because he can't afford a private jet). etc.

 

We always want more, better, bigger....but that doesnt mean we arent happy while desiring it. Happiness does not equal a lack of desire for further enlightenment or aquisition, does it? As animals we must continue to aquire to move through life. If I buy a shirt today I probably won't still be wearing it to work in ten years from now. I'll want something new, something more up to date, something less faded or worn out. That applies to many areas of life, but wanting more does not preclude being happy. Emotional happiness is far harder to satiate than materialistic ones, msot of the time. I mean, yeah, I could be very happy without a private jet. Then again, someone starving in a third world country would probably kill to be in my warm apartment with my fridge full of food, my TV, my family and friends a phone call away, my paycheck that I find to be a trivial pathetic mess with respect to the type and amount of work I do, but it's probably more than they've seen in a lifetime. It's all relevant. But I have to tell you, it doesnt measure their happiness. Emotional satiation is barring financial status, its totally irrelevant, though I get your reasoning and agree in theory to that degree.

[KismetGirl]

Honestly, I try to look at it at logically as I can.

 

Some people say "don't depend on others" when they personally have that need fulfilled already (boy/girlfriend, great family/circle of friends, etc). Although this advice is also given from people who are indeed single and find happiness in other ways, the key question is "Where do we look when we're not finding happiness through current efforts?" Others say "happiness is a state of mind," and, while true, we feel what we feel, and it's hard to simply trick yourself into thinking that what matters to you actually doesn't in order to artificially numb your preferences -- which I don't think is the intent, but many think this way because they don't know how to change their situation. "It'll happen sooner or later" is more a statement of placation and possibility than it is a statistical or logical truth. If you spend all your time in your room or at work around the same people you've ruled out, change will come slowly, for instance.

 

Is it necessarily a bad thing to pursue happiness? Absolutely not -- I personally believe that, as humans, "meaning" is purely an evolutionary construct that we've become equipped with by simply being human. Nothing has inherent meaning objectively speaking, but as humans that can interpret utility/happiness, it makes sense that we should want to live happy lives.

 

But what to do when we're not happy with our current situation, and yet understanding of the fact that humans are very adaptable and will likely always be looking for greener grass? I personally think there's nothing wrong with looking for greener grass, as long as it's the right grass. There's nothing wrong with always wanting more -- this doesn't mean you can't appreciate what you have. You can still stay with the same person, for instance, and simply want to make more OUT of it and constantly improve the relationship. That being said, I find that if I am not reaching a goal, I need to figure out why. I'm currently having the same problem, and I broke it down into a few things:

 

1. Meeting more people -> More friends -> More opportunities that someone you'll meet is willing to date and more opportunities that a friend can help introduce you to someone they know. Again, if you're always spending your time around the same group of people with no light at the end of the tunnel, more change is going to need to come from your end, which is harder to do.

 

2. If you're meeting lots of people and things still aren't working out, maybe priorities are skewed. Are you going after the same type of people each time and getting shot down by the same reasons/causes? Maybe there are different types of people to pursue that still have the fundamental traits you're after?

 

3. If you're with a diverse bunch and things still aren't working, look to yourself -- are you giving off a signal that is inadvertently working to your disadvantage? What about your attitude? Are you confident or always self-defeating and lacking in self-respect? People can pick up on this pretty easily, just as I am sure you can pick up on it in others.

 

 

In general, I think everyone is capable of being happy, but I don't think it's always some natural, magic occurrence that just hits everyone. Sometimes we have to put ourselves in the right spot in the right place at the right time in order to maximize our happiness, and this can oftentimes take a lot of personal insight and thought. That being said, I do think you are responsible for your own happiness, because you're the one in control of your life, and your life's constructs are what determine how you feel about the situations at hand.

 

Everyone is capable of being happy -- not everyone is capable of knowing how to find it for themselves.

 

Sorry if that was longwinded, but I hope it helps -- you said you wanted a "logical" approach, so that is my best attempt, haha.

 

Ah, there's a post that speaks my language ;-) Logic!

 

Are we going on Plato's or Socrate's definition of happiness a la the Republic? ;-) Always loved philosophy in school but it could be a bloody confusing mess sometimes.

 

To each his own is ultimately what happiness is. It is a theory moreso than a definable element. Actions or thoughts that provide some sustainable feeling of pleasure? So what if 'contentment' as I consider it, which is placated disinterest that enables someone to get by with minimal pleasure and a sort of feeling of safety, is to someone else really "happiness"? Maybe to them that is the best one can aspire to and my perception of 'happy' is thus not even logically feasible for them to mentally ascertain? You have to wonder.

 

Perhaps I am just screwed because my expectations are different, but if that's how I am, will I ever really be happy by changing my perception (acceptance) of what 'should' make me happy by merely placating my disinterest? Or will I just make myself a shell of my former self. I'll go through life placated and maybe even smiling and content, but I will always feel like I'm missing something. Like when you've left to go on a long road trip and youre in the car, driving away, and you're convinced you've forgotten something essential at home and cannot for the life of you remember what it is. It's there on the tip of your thoughts but you figure you're already on your way to your new destination so you should just forget it. If it's important, you'll pick it up somewhere along the way. If you don't have it, it must not be that essential, but you just can't shake that bloody feeling that you're just....missing something. I think that's what I always feared in settling for someone that didn't give me that "spark" that is so hard for me to otherwise define with someone. I want someone who stimulates me mentally, who makes me laugh, who I feel comfortable with and can be myself, and yes, someone who I am attracted to. Sex is important and I think I'd be pretty unhappy being with someone that just couldn't turn me on. Maybe when we're 70 it wouldnt be as important, but that's a long ways off. I see SO MANY PEOPLE who cheat on each other, its ridiculous. It's probably one of the reasons Im cynical about relationships, but honestly, while I have never cheated, I have been the other woman, and I have seen plenty other people cheat. People that seemed to be perfect couples, perfect families....and they cheat cheat cheat. Not because they hate their spouse, but without fail, they all say when asked "why?"..."well", they say, "it just feels like something is missing. Some much needed spark, I can't put my finger on it." God help me, I don't want to be that person. I envy the feeling of comfort and stability they get form their family life and their relationship as a husband and wife, but surely it shouldn't be such an impossibility to have a real connection with someone that is longlasting. I've seen that sort of connection as well, and it is inspiring. My stepfather's parents were that way.....loved each other, not as a safety net or something they just "got used to each other." I mean, his father was madly in love with his mother until the day he died, and vice versa. I used to see this 80 year old man looking at his 76 year old wife with these sparkling blue eyes and in that moment they were 30 years old again and I could see the massive IN LOVE and , yes, even lust that had been so fruitful between them. That's what I want. That's what I miss, and that's what I keep looking for and feeling sad that maybe I am one of those people that is not meant to have it.

 

Ah! you're statement on saying "it'll happen eventually" is placating is spot on. It's empty words...who knows what will happen. My life is frustrating because, as you mention, if youre with the same people doing the same things, how do you expect to meet new people? It's bloody hard I tell you. Everyone I work with is a good 20-30 years older than me (it's just the department Im in, unfortunately). There are a couple people in their 30's but they're all married. My work hours are atrocious and not condusive to "happy hour" drinks after work or mingling with the nearby young professionals on their lunch hours, or fridays after work at the local pub. I wake up to go to the hospital when most people are still sleeping, Im dealing with patients going crazy when most people are still hitting the snooze button to roll out of bed, I'm having 'lunch' when lots of people are having breakfast, and I'm getting out of work when most people are having lunch. I have got some amazing friends that I have known over ten years, but as I said, they are almost all coupled off or married. They are vastly uninterested in meeting new people, because they all do the "couple thing." It's been the same group of 20-30 friends for years and years, and most are uninterested in diversifying this group, because the have no real motivation to do so , I guess. They have their spouses or significant others, they have all of us, and we have a great time together, but I cant help but look at all of them sometimes and feel a little longful. So, when we go out, its generally me, one or two other single friends, and like ten couples. Not exactly welcoming environment for a dude to come talk to me as had I been out with a bunch of single girlfriends eh? I also find as we get older all my friends, now sort of "married" more or less, dont go out as much. Many moved into the suburbs, get lazy on weekends, dont want to drive into the city. My options? Pray that I can find one of my rare single friends to come out with me, or pathetically peruse a bar by myself? Granted, pretty single girls can often find people to talk to, and I've occasionally (like, a couple times in my life) gotten so bored that I went out by myself and generally found interesting people to hang out with, but I cant say its easy to do often. Im outgoing, but its overwhelming to go out in New York City alone on a weekend, so its not something I'd do often. Im getting to the point of frustration where Im considering just trying out meet-ups or other social internet option things just to meet new people around my own age. I was talking to my therapist today and he said "well, youre an attractive, intelligent and funny young woman, I cant say Im convinced that you are the type who is destined for lonely existances, but if you are going to make every friday and saturday night a Blockbuster night, how can you expect to meet anyone? Guys arent going to come strolling into your apartment from the street on a whim". And he's right. But such an effing catch-22. I love NY, but it is singularly the best and worst place to be single all at once. Eight million people around me and sometimes i feel like Im just invisible. WHEN I have gone out with ONLY single friends (and more often girls), men will very often come up to me out of no where....the problem is I don't ever like them, but you need to increase your number of people met if you're going to improve the odds right? If I'll be attracted to 5% of men that talk to me, my odds are going to remain like cr*p if I only make myself available to meeting 10 men a year by never going anywhere. It's a mess, this life. Sometomes Im tempted to give up my job and change fields entirely just so I can be somewhere new.

 

Thank you for your long post, it was insightful and spot on, Mr. Wharton :-) Sorry for my equally long reply.

[threebyfate]

I know you've heard it all before but three years ago, around this time, my entire world collapsed. Previous to that, I thought I had the ideal marriage with the love of my life. Haha...NOT!!!

 

The last two years or so have been an eye-opener for me, in that I learned a lot about myself and what drives me. After that happened, I had some work to do and I believe, have accomplished it in the last 10+ months with the help of someone very special, someone who's so mature and rock solid internally, that he's forced me to view life in a different way. That he came into my life by accident, makes it all the more special. Santa was really generous last year!

 

You're going to meet and date some men who aren't compatible with you. Don't let that get you down. Consider them opportunities to really look at why they're not compatible from both his and your perspective.

 

What makes you tick? What environment makes you happy within a relationship? What kind of man will fit into this environment? Are there changes to make, within yourself? Are you too impatient?

 

FYI, I'm turning 35 in less than 3 months, so life isn't over so soon. And yes, there's no guarantee that everything will work out with my upcoming marriage but I will survive, like I survived the last one. This time though, if it all goes well, I'll have someone special as my take-away, a little one who's already adored albeit not even born!

 

Anyways, some thoughts and also, sharing of my own evolution. Hope this helps if not you, Kismetgirl, potentially someone else who's reading it. Good luck!

[SadandConfusedWA]

TBF, it's great that it worked out for you, but sadly for the rest of us - you are an exception not the rule

[threebyfate]

TBF, it's great that it worked out for you, but sadly for the rest of us - you are an exception not the rule

I'm not convinced that's true. You and I are 4 years apart, so you've got plenty of time.

 

My oldest brother set up his career first, then when he was ready, decided to find someone worthwhile. This was in his thirties. And he did. He found an incredible woman who rocks his world, where he rocks her world.

 

There are some awesome men out there. You just have to meet them. Where and how, who knows.

 

Shyte happens when you least expect it and sometimes for the good!

[northstar1]

I'm not convinced that's true. You and I are 4 years apart, so you've got plenty of time.

 

My oldest brother set up his career first, then when he was ready, decided to find someone worthwhile. This was in his thirties. And he did. He found an incredible woman who rocks his world, where he rocks her world.

 

There are some awesome men out there. You just have to meet them. Where and how, who knows.

 

Shyte happens when you least expect it and sometimes for the good!

 

Good points TBF.

 

Hell, I didn't meet someone I really clicked with on nearly all levels until this year after many 'incomplete' relationships from my past. I'm 38. It's never 'too late'. I look back at my failed relationships as filters that allowed me to grow up myself and figure out what I truly wanted.

[threebyfate]

Good points TBF.

 

Hell, I didn't meet someone I really clicked with on nearly all levels until this year after many 'incomplete' relationships from my past. I'm 38. It's never 'too late'. I look back at my failed relationships as filters that allowed me to grow up myself and figure out what I truly wanted.

While I know you're not ready to settle down completely, quite yet, when you do, you're going to make someone a lucky woman and a great family man. Maybe this girlfriend will be the one but who knows.

 

See ladies, here's an example of a great guy! They're out there. You just have to meet them.

[SadandConfusedWA]

TBF, thanks for that post. It is actually somewhat comforting to see that things have worked out for you and that good does come to those that are good-core people. I have a feeling that you will have a baby girl

 

(sorry for the threadjack)