twinklecat Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I'm sorry if this is long, but felt i needed to write the whole story. My boyfriend of 5 years ended things yesterday. I guess I knew in my heart of hearts it was coming, but thought we could work things out. 5 years is a long time, and we have shared an incredible amount of heartache and joy together over the years. When I met him, his marriage had just ended a matter of months before in which he had 3 children. (he is quite older than me) I was already in a relationship with someone else. At first I felt sorry for his situation and was a friend to him. Me and my then boyfriend parted ways. The friendship turned phsycial and I see now I stupidly let myself fall in love with him. We stayed together for two years and I moved in with him. We had some good times, but also bad as his divorce was extremely volatile and messy. I ended the relationship, feeling I was out of my depth and that he did not love me (looking back I was stupid to think he could) We got back together after a few weeks as I realised I really did want to be with him, and take onboard all that came with him, and he was persuing me, often IM'ing me and making excuses to come round to my mothers house where I was staying. We took it slowly at first, but then I fell pregnant. We were using contraception, so it was a complete accident, I really did not want a baby at that time. We decided to keep the baby, and he seemed happy. We got a new house in a new area in which I knew no-one. I then suffered a mis-carriage, which was a massive blow for both of us. Not more than a few weeks later he was offered a temporary job in another country which was for a few months. After much discussion and soulsearching, he took the job, with him only coming home to visit at weekends. His children would also visit during this time. This was what I thought was the hardest time in my life, after having just lost a baby, my partner who I adored and desprately needed during this time was not there. I carried on with the help of my mother. He was then offered a permanent job in the other country, and he asked me to join him. I was not sure at first but decided to go. Everything was then fantastic. We then both got offered perfect jobs in another part of the country for the same company and so we moved again. It was really just perfect. Then last year, around about september/october he now claims things changed, that his feelings started to change towards me. I have to say I was completely unaware of this. We then moved house this January to where we are now, sharing with other people. Not long before moving he had a death in the family. He stated he did not want me to go back to the funeral with him. He totally clammed up on me, I did want to be there for him, but did not want to force the issue. We then had a massive arguement a few days after moving in, but made up. I thought things were getting better up until a few months ago when he lost interest in sleeping together, and made excuses to stay in the spare room. I tried talking to him but he would just not talk. He would snap at me over silly things and I would do the same, even though it hurt me to do it, I was just so angry how things could just change. Then yesterday happens. We had just been on a trip back to see family and friends and things actually seemed better that they had been in months. He tells me it's over, he still loves me and wants to be friends but just does not have feelings as a "partner" towards me, that's it's nothing to do with me, it's him. In all honesty he was lovely to me about it. He was more open than he has been with me in a long time, we chatted for quite some time. Later in the evening, he's just totally cold towards me and has been pretty much since. I'm finding it incredibly difficult to accept that all this is over after 5 years. I love this man with all my heart and to hear him say such cold things makes me phsyically sick. I realise he's still a mess over his divorce and his children, I wish I could just be there for him and I feel terrible for every bad thing I have ever done or said to him all through this relationship. The fact we are still living under the same roof, a situation we're both unable to change until February, that I'm in another country to my family and we work together I just can't even seem to begin to move on. I do have friends but none that live close by. I really just don't know what to do.
ADF Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Get away from this man. Long as your post is (and it could have been a lot shorter--we don't need a minute-by-minute account of everything that went on), it leaves a lot out. There is a lot he isn't telling you. No one's feelings just change for no reason. My guess is he's met someone else and doesn't want to tell you. You've wasted enough of your life pursuing a relationship that clearly isn't going anywhere. Move on.
mickleb Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Hey tc I say the same - get away from him, somehow. If it's a rental contract you're commited to, you can let him stay in the house and deal with that - he broke a 'contract' of your own in that he chose to move in with you as a couple. (Not legal, or anything but moral - let him lie in this bed he's made.) Look for work back home, if this job doesn't mean the world to you. I'm sure you can find something similar, eventually. Get looking, soon as. From what you've said (and I, personally, disagree with ADF, in that I think your post was fine in length) this man has some serious problems he is not owning. I'm a bit quick to diagnose them, nowadays, but there's a whiff of commitment phobia to this. Or just plain (but significant) communication issues, on his part. You DID give too much to him. He seemed to take a lot from those in his life. He wasn't there for you when you were really struggling. He was thinking of himself, as he is now. He sounds like he isn't able to love. Don't know why. Don't care - his problem now, he made it that way. You ARE in a tough place but you CAN get yourself out of it and you will be amazed at what you can achieve once you have done this. (Which you will, I am certain - you sound, to me, very strong.) Pour your heart into removing yourself from this horrible place and getting back to those who love you and can help you. Keep in touch with these people as best you can, in the meantime. Keep reading/posting here. There is SOUND advice, I promise. (I thought none of it applied to me when I first arrived and I'm so glad I stuck with it!) Get busy, getting away from him. Take care. x
brown leo Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Live your life! Be strong and realize that you deserve better. Start allowing yourself to see that, be strong. -take care
Author twinklecat Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Thanks for the support, it really helping I have decided I am staying here in this country. I realized how much I do love my job and friends here, and how much I actually put into getting over here, and that this job was a goal of mine so it would be stupid to throw that all away because of him. Yes it's extremely hard currently, it is hurting so much, it really is but it will get better I know that and I do keep reminding myself of that. I have been talking more to my family I have in a long time, they are so fantastic. I realise I'm not as isolated as I thought. I never realised how many people around me love and care for me so much. I guess I am a bit bewildered, re-learning how to do things for myself again as he pretty much did everything, I'm quite annoyed that I let myself get into this situation. One thing, I am never going to let a man do this to me, EVER again. I am a person and I do deserve much better.
Author twinklecat Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 I'm so confused right now. One minute feeling excited about starting a new chapter in my life, next I'm really desperately upset that I'm not going to be a part of his anymore. I have been thinking postively and it's amazing what that does for you, but then I just get this feeling in the bottom of my stomach and it's just awful. The day started out fantastically, I managed to sort some of my own stuff out to do with my bank. I realise that he used to do pretty much everything for me. Part of me is upset for him as that can't have been fun for him, another part of me is so angry that he didn't say something to me before now and letting the relationship fade away. I then went shopping with him and one of the housemates and her daughter, and while it felt good to be out the house it was just pangs of hurt, seeing how not included I am. Also to see he had a pretty much other life that I knew nothing about, going shopping to places I have never been before, I feel really terrible for that, as looking at it I never even questioned what he did on his days off without me. I don't know, I'm just so confused. Blaming myself for being a terrible girlfriend, then being angry that he contributed to this situation by taking over and doing everything. I am starting to make plans to move out in February, really cannot move out of here just yet, as it's not just me and him here, theres 2 other people and a small child. I just feel so up and down at the moment, really excited and optimistic one minute about having a new life where I'm in control, then feeling utter sorrow that he won't be a part of it. Is this normal?
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