Peaceful Guy Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Getting asked out by the very cute guy was flattering and fun to think about. But I owe it to myself and this guy to give things between us a chance with no interference from anyone else. So that's what I'm going to do. thank ****ing god! i was starting to get worried.. you nailed it though! that's awesome.. woot!
Author Ruby Slippers Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 EVERY friend I have talked to, though, says don't be exclusive, date other guys! This includes my really smart friends who give great advice. Problem is, I see the point they're making. I'm NOT sure about this guy, so it doesn't really make sense to be exclusive with him. And I'm getting asked out a lot, and feel like I owe it to myself to see what some of these guys are about. I think it would have been smarter not to get physical with him at all until I was sure I wanted to move forward with him. We haven't gone THAT far, but it's clear that the physical stuff is what hazes up the thinking. I'm talking to my counselor today, thank goodness, so I will get her smart and incisive opinion on the matter. I'm learning!
Author Ruby Slippers Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 (edited) Talked to my counselor this afternoon. She agrees this guy has some questionable qualities regarding his career and issues around that, and thinks I would be wise to keep my options open and date other people. She recommended trying multi-dating, especially since I've never done it before, and seeing how I feel about it. So, now what I am considering is that next time I see current guy, I tell him that I like him, I want to keep seeing him, but I want to keep the option of seeing other people open. Since I told him before that I'm not seeing anyone else, it's only fair to be upfront about that. I know -- I'm waffling. This is totally new territory to me. Not so easy to know the best way to navigate. We'll see what happens. Edited October 29, 2009 by Ruby Slippers
Phateless Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Talked to my counselor this afternoon. She agrees this guy has some questionable qualities regarding his career and issues around that, and thinks I would be wise to keep my options open and date other people. She recommended trying multi-dating, especially since I've never done it before, and seeing how I feel about it. Next time I see current guy, I will tell him that I like him, I want to keep seeing him, but I want to keep the option of seeing other people open. Since I told him before that I'm not seeing anyone else, it's only fair to be upfront about that. We'll see what happens. Completely agree with this. Your whole idea with staying single is to break your patterns, correct? You do that by expanding your comfort zone. When I was going through what you're going through, I forced myself to do certain things that were out of my comfort zone for the sole purpose of expanding it. It really proved to be helpful. Keep your options open girlie, and hold out for something that feels amazing.
Peaceful Guy Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Talked to my counselor this afternoon. She agrees this guy has some questionable qualities regarding his career and issues around that, and thinks I would be wise to keep my options open and date other people. She recommended trying multi-dating, especially since I've never done it before, and seeing how I feel about it. So, now what I am considering is that next time I see current guy, I tell him that I like him, I want to keep seeing him, but I want to keep the option of seeing other people open. Since I told him before that I'm not seeing anyone else, it's only fair to be upfront about that. I know -- I'm waffling. This is totally new territory to me. Not so easy to know the best way to navigate. We'll see what happens. okay, this is starting to sound more reasonable.. but still, are you comfortable with this? i think that's partially where im coming from. people are like, give it a shot. but then, i don't think people are really considering the other guy in this situation(the one you were already dating), or your feelings for him. i don't know if you really have to try it out to see if this is for you. the whole reason you started thinking about multi-dating, or whatever the **** people are calling it, is because someone that was more physically attractive asked you out. that guy could be a total ****! with, by the way, perhaps more problems than the guy you're seeing right now. and maybe that's the answer.. you're not satisfied with you're current guy's looks or direction(or maybe you are?). if you're already unsure about it, i think you should stop seeing him altogether, not add more people to the roster. what happens when you keep seeing this guy, but also start dating others.. you maybe get more physical with both, all the while he's made it clear that he's there for you emotionally and physically, but you've gotten permission to "keep your options open".. you know, pretty soon your using this dude! i don't like how casually people are saying you should put yourself in this situation. morals aside, its asking for trouble. my good friend, over the past few years, has been dating THREE different girls at the same time. he's commited to none of them, nor are they commited to him. it's totally ****ing him up.. and its kind of like, "yeah dude, you're nailing three chicks at the same time, what did you think was gonna happen?" now he's all wrapped up in his thoughts all the time, constantly "managing" this crazy situation(whatever that means,from the outside, it doesn't make any sense). its hard to feel sympathy though. he should have both had more respect for himself and the other people involved. more guys might not be good for you. what do you think?? and i want to reiterate this.. because i really did catch this vibe off you (right or wrong..). its not okay to see other people when you're already in a relationship. i mean of course, committed, and assuming you don't have some sort of "agreement" or whatever. look, whatever you do, i think you need to either give guy 1 a shot or end it, because he's made it clear that his mind is made up. consider how you would feel if the situation was reversed.
Peaceful Guy Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 I'm NOT sure about this guy, so it doesn't really make sense to be exclusive with him. yeah, it could make sense. a lot of people aren't sure about eachother at first, and then spend the rest of their lives together. when you have a relationship you're taking a chance on somebody. you're giving them time out of you're life. i think you're kind of flirting with the idea of being really really selfish, by putting yourself before others. it's really not cool, okay?
Author Ruby Slippers Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 but then, i don't think people are really considering the other guy in this situation(the one you were already dating), or your feelings for him. While I do care about his feelings, it's not my job to take care of him -- it's his job to take of him, and my job to take care of me. That means I do what's best for me, be completely honest, and if it's not cool with him, he is free to stop seeing me. The unfortunate truth is that if I saw real long-term potential with him at this point, I wouldn't be considering dating other people. BUT I have only known him for a month, so my impression of him is limited. Nothing I've learned about him so far has been a complete deal-breaker, but I am having my doubts that he is a good match for long term. The only way to move forward is to get to know him more. the whole reason you started thinking about multi-dating, or whatever the **** people are calling it, is because someone that was more physically attractive asked you out. It really doesn't have much to do with that. Yes, the dude who asked me out the other day was exceptionally attractive, but I've been getting a lot of attention from men now that I've put myself back out there. None of those guys made me feel suspicious, though, because they were attractive but not attractive outside the normal range. On Date #2 with current guy, he was getting caught up in the sports on TV in the bar where we went at the end of the night, and honestly, I was bored. I mean, we're on our second date, and he's already ignoring me in favor of the TV? Not a great sign. This cute guy at the next table over noticed that I was sitting there looking unexcited, and kept making eyes and smiling at me. The fact is that if current guy had been talking to me, engaging me, flirting and having fun like I would hope a guy would on Date #2, the other guy would not have caught my attention. That guy was sitting there with two of his BUDDIES, and they were laughing and talking the whole time, only occasionally glancing at the TV. My guy was sitting there with me, dolled up and ready for fun on a Friday night, watching sports on TV. LAME. I cut him some slack because it was quite late and he'd been up since 5:00 am, but it still made a not-great impression. and maybe that's the answer.. you're not satisfied with you're current guy's looks or direction(or maybe you are?). if you're already unsure about it, i think you should stop seeing him altogether, not add more people to the roster. Nothing to do with looks. He's very cute, and I'm not hung up on looks, anyway. I only started this thread because the dude in question was so far beyond just cute that he really stood out, and I wondered about his motives. It's definitely uncertainty about whether this guy has a fulfilling life on his own, or he's got no ambition and is settling for a less-than-great situation because he doesn't have the drive to change it. what happens when you keep seeing this guy, but also start dating others.. you maybe get more physical with both, all the while he's made it clear that he's there for you emotionally and physically, but you've gotten permission to "keep your options open".. you know, pretty soon your using this dude! He is also free to date others, and he can be as there for me or not as he wants. As for physical activity, I have only begun to think about that. I'm super paranoid about STDs, so I lean toward the conservative on this. It will be hard to resist getting physical, since I love sex, but I can be strong for the greater good. my good friend, over the past few years, has been dating THREE different girls at the same time. No way do I plan to let this go on indefinitely. If I had my way, I'd meet a good match right away. But this is not fairytale land. Ideally, I will meet the guy I want to get serious with within a few months, and then I will become exclusive with him. and i want to reiterate this.. because i really did catch this vibe off you (right or wrong..). its not okay to see other people when you're already in a relationship. i mean of course, committed, and assuming you don't have some sort of "agreement" or whatever. I totally agree, and I have never cheated and never will. But we're not in a relationship. At this point, I am not convinced that he is relationship material. I'm not convinced he's not, either. I need more information to make that decision. If I decide resolutely that he's not, I am sure I will stop seeing him. look, whatever you do, i think you need to either give guy 1 a shot or end it, because he's made it clear that his mind is made up. consider how you would feel if the situation was reversed. Maybe you're right. If the situation were reversed, and he told me he wanted to see other people, I would probably realize that he wasn't "that into me" and stop seeing him. Maybe that is what he will do. If so, that's probably for the best.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 yeah, it could make sense. a lot of people aren't sure about eachother at first, and then spend the rest of their lives together. when you have a relationship you're taking a chance on somebody. you're giving them time out of you're life. i think you're kind of flirting with the idea of being really really selfish, by putting yourself before others. it's really not cool, okay? I have taken chances on unsuitable men my whole adult life, and now here I am, 33 and single with a string of failed relationships behind me --relationships in which guys who really weren't happy in their own lives were sponging off my happiness and success to try to lift themselves up, just dragging me down in the process. I hear it over and over again: "You make me so happy", "You make me want to be a better man", blah blah freaking blah. This time I want a man who's got his act together from the get-go, like I do. It's about freaking time I get a little selfish and expect that I get back what I give for a change.
honeypear Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 No not at all. There is a difference between CONFICENCE and ARROGANCE. Confidence is not directly related to looks. Being a jerk is not directly related to looks. They are mutually exclusive to each other. I'm confident. Am I Brad Pitt? Hell no. Do I have the world's greatest body? Nope. Am I the tallest guy? Nope. Most successful? Nope. But, I know who I am and I love who I am. I am confident because I know what kind of person I am. I know WHO I am. But standing next to a tall, super attractive guy many women might just walk past me. But if they talk to me. Oh if they talk to me, I can (and have) driven them wild Some of the most confident men I know would be considered ugly by most people yet they manage to get and keep very attractive women. I've seen this first hand my friend. I also have unattractive JERKY friends who get women, but never keep them for more than a week or two. Why do you not live in Canada?? I love reading your responses.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 He called tonight to finalize our plans for tomorrow, and I told him what I said above (I like you, want to keep seeing you, but want to leave the option of seeing others open), and he seemed OK with it. He's coming over tomorrow with gourmet dinner ingredients, a funny movie, and massage oil with which to give me a rubdown. Obviously, I'm not doing too bad here.
Peaceful Guy Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 well, you really do sound like a smart, reasonable person. im sorry if my posts came off as harsh, or judgmental (yuck).. that said, there's still just one little thing that doesn't sit right.. It's about freaking time I get a little selfish and expect that I get back what I give for a change. be careful with that. otherwise, everything sounds logical.. and by the way, thanks for responding to my thoughts.. i think i learned a good bit. the reason that quote above still doesn't sit quite right is that ive heard similar stuff from people that go on to treat others poorly(myself included!). its soooo hard to really get people through text, and every point i brought up you really had a reasonable response to. i guess my fear is that you turn into a brat, and pretty soon some poor guy is posting about how he met a great girl but she won't settle for less than perfect! hey, have fun and best of luck!!!
Stockalone Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 He called tonight to finalize our plans for tomorrow, and I told him what I said above (I like you, want to keep seeing you, but want to leave the option of seeing others open), and he seemed OK with it. He's coming over tomorrow with gourmet dinner ingredients, a funny movie, and massage oil with which to give me a rubdown. Obviously, I'm not doing too bad here. I am impressed that you told him, I believe that most women (or men for that matter) aren't that open about multi-dating. He has made his choice now and if he ends up disappointed, he has no one to blame but himself. Personally, I think it's insane to keep dating someone who doesn't make you a priority, but it's his life.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 (edited) Well, he stepped up his game in a major way this weekend. He made very clear to me that he doesn't like that I'm opening up the option of dating other people, but he wants things to work with me, so he will deal with the situation he has been given. He also told me a lot more about himself and his family history. Long story short, his father is a very high-profile, successful, and celebrated man who has achieved some major victories for the betterment of the little guy in his career and been recognized in big ways for them (I verified all this with Google). According to the guy I'm seeing, his father has spent most of his life holding his children to absurd standards of success. And he suggested that maybe he had sabotaged his own former successful career because he was afraid he couldn't live up to his father's reputation, and maybe that is why he has gotten stuck in his current job and situation that is really not challenging him or making use of his intelligence and talent. I have known from our first conversation that this guy is brilliant. That is the biggest turn-on for me. He invited me to Thanksgiving dinner in the 'burbs, which his parents will be attending from out of state, but he did it in a completely no-pressure way, and said he won't be saddened if I decline. He seems to be making it very clear that he's into me and he's determined not to fumble on this. He treated me like an absolute princess this weekend, and his strong attraction for me on every level is obvious. It's a lot all at once. I have excitement, fears, and questions swirling in my mind. But after the weekend we had, I haven't even thought about the guy from last weekend, or had any desire to see anyone else. This may be a case of respecting a boundary, then watching it disappear. Edited November 1, 2009 by Ruby Slippers
Author Ruby Slippers Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 (edited) i guess my fear is that you turn into a brat, and pretty soon some poor guy is posting about how he met a great girl but she won't settle for less than perfect! I doubt that will happen. In fact, every time I have praised and thanked him for doing something wonderful for me, he has made a comment about how it might be hard for him to keep raising the bar, and maybe someday he will let me down. I asked him why he was so hard on himself. The thing is, I am just like that. My dad was the same way as his. Nothing was ever good enough. I hold myself to ridiculously high standards, so I understand the struggle. If nothing else, I think he and I have something to learn from each other. Edited November 1, 2009 by Ruby Slippers
Isolde Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 (edited) RS, I've noticed that you have a tendency of meeting guys that aren't happy with their jobs. Since career is important to you, be careful. At the same time, who's to say that everyone's career needs to be the center of their lives? IMO it's not necessary to equate yourself with your career, though it's obviously bad to not connect with your work at all. Does your guy have plans for achieving a better balance in the future, between liking his work and still having time for his hobbies and friends? This is what should matter, that he has drive to achieve what he wants. I like the field that I'm planning to go into, and I'm sure I'll work some long hours, but I purposely avoided paths that would have me working 60+ hours on a weekly basis. That's not how I want to live my life, and if it means that I receive a lesser salary, so be it. Edited November 1, 2009 by Isolde
Author Ruby Slippers Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 RS, I've noticed that you have a tendency of meeting guys that aren't happy with their jobs. Since career is important to you, be careful. At the same time, who's to say that everyone's career needs to be the center of their lives? IMO it's not necessary to equate yourself with your career, though it's obviously bad to not connect with your work at all. Does your guy have plans for achieving a better balance in the future, between liking his work and still having time for his hobbies and friends? This is what should matter, that he has drive to achieve what he wants. I appreciate your feedback, sweetie. It's not career per se that's important to me, but living a life that has meaning to you, following your bliss (as Joseph Campbell discusses). I don't care what a man does for a living, as long as he is doing it for good reasons and is fulfilled doing it. My concern with this guy was that because he complained a lot about his job and seemed overqualified for it, it seemed he was settling and trying to rationalize away his dissatisfaction with elaborate logical arguments. He wasn't fooling me, though. I could tell he was unhappy. I use past tense because he definitely seems to have a fire lit under his butt now. This is great for him, but yes, I want to be VERY wary right now. This is my pattern. I meet a guy who is stuck in some way, he gets a fire lit under his butt, and then he leaps on the horse and starts racing forward in his life to... what? Prove something? Win my heart? Exercise his ego? I don't know. Am I settling for men who are "stuck" and need to be "saved" because I think it's the best I can do, because I think I can't get a man who is happy and fulfilled with his life already, because the best I think I can do is a "fixer-upper"? Or is a man being inspired by the love of his woman to better his life natural and good? Where is the line? Am I just scared of being hurt again because my commitment-phobe ex stomped on my heart, or am I being smart and sensible? I'm torn between: 1) pulling back because he seems to be another guy who wants me to be the inspiration that shakes him out of his rut, and 2) accepting that no one is perfect and we are all works in progress. So far, his presence in my life is only adding good experiences and feelings, not bad ones. I am carefully monitoring the situation as it progresses to make sure that stays true. The best I can do right now is continue to get to know him, and proceed with caution.
Isolde Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 RS, you remind me a bit of my sister in terms of the kinds of men you attract. As you outlined this is both good and bad. I'm wondering if the cause of this is 1) you yourself, tend to get buoyed up by these guys' enthusiasm towards you, and therefore, get swept away; and 2) you find men who are completely, ridiculously happy with their lives, a trifle cocky? But by all means, enjoy hanging out with current guy, as he sounds laid back and openminded. The fact that you've already forgotten about the hottie that inspired this post, says something, I think.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted November 1, 2009 Author Posted November 1, 2009 Excellent points and questions, Isolde. Smart cookie. As you outlined this is both good and bad. I'm wondering if the cause of this is 1) you yourself, tend to get buoyed up by these guys' enthusiasm towards you, and therefore, get swept away; I cannot deny that it's hard to resist being treated like a queen by a wonderful man. I am trying to take my ego out of the equation and evaluate the reality, not the dreamy swoopy sappy feelings, which are as beautiful yet inconstant as the shifting clouds. and 2) you find men who are completely, ridiculously happy with their lives, a trifle cocky? I grew up in near poverty with an alcoholic mother and, at the very least, an emotionally abusive father, and have fought very hard to bust through the barriers that fact has presented my entire life. I have ALWAYS rooted for the underdog. My friends tend to be the foreigners, outsiders, and derelicts of the world. Those people have always felt so much more real to me than the people who are walking the narrow path of "success", which might not always be the most honest one. I think that people who have had to work to overcome things in life appreciate the good things they do have once they attain them, and that means a lot to me. I cannot stand the attitude of entitlement, complacency, and lack of awareness that so many people born into relative ease and privilege seem to have. But by all means, enjoy hanging out with current guy, as he sounds laid back and openminded. The fact that you've already forgotten about the hottie that inspired this post, says something, I think. I am enjoying it. I think it's somewhat a battle of the minds, which is very intriguing. He's highly intelligent, and he actually challenges me in this domain, which is unusual -- and a major turn-on. I think we are both already learning a LOT about ourselves and life, and that's really what it's all about.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 I just called him!!! (Last weekend, I ended things with the other guy, as I did not see real potential with him.) The conversation was pretty good. Not sure about the following facts, though: 1. I left him a message, and he called me back five minutes later, and said, "I just got out of the shower." Great visual, I must admit, but seems a little sexy for very first phone call. Raised a yellow flag for me on player alert. hehe What do y'all think? I mean, it's a plausible explanation for why he didn't answer, and something I myself would say. But I did wonder. 2. He asked if I wanted to get together TODAY. I'm chilling at home today after a very busy work week and social weekend, so I said I was thinking later in the week. We tentatively set a date for Thursday after work. Seemed kind of aggressive to ask me out for the very same day I called, you know? What do you think? OK, now I am going to stop analyzing the call and start deciding what to wear. I have never been on a date with such a gorgeous man in my life, so this is gonna be fun.
2sunny Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 wait - now i'm confused... which one did you stop seeing? and which one called back for a date? what was the reason you stopped dating the one it's over with? what are the plans for your next date?
tami-chan Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 lol..2sunny.. anyway, OP...whoever you are dating, if he is HOT, make sure he knows you are HOTTER...lol
Author Ruby Slippers Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 wait - now i'm confused... which one did you stop seeing? and which one called back for a date? what was the reason you stopped dating the one it's over with? I stopped seeing the supersmart guy who seemed very into me but seems kinda stuck in life and unhappy with his job. He had very low passion and love for life -- wanted me to be his sparkler. I'm tired of that role. What happens when honeymoon ends and he is blah again? I called the supercute guy because I did not give him my number -- instead, I got his. what are the plans for your next date? We are going to meet for coffee on Thursday evening. He started texting me, too, after our call, and added me on myspace. Lord, the man is fine. Seemed to be actually trying to get to know me over texting. Very sweet, positive, funny, good attitude. I think this is gonna be fun.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted November 15, 2009 Author Posted November 15, 2009 anyway, OP...whoever you are dating, if he is HOT, make sure he knows you are HOTTER...lol OK, I will try that. He is def. hotter, though. I mean, freakin' gorgeous. And his wardrobe is sexier and more stylish than mine. lol Maybe he can help me spruce up my threads and start looking even sexier.
cognac Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 "Women don't care about looks" I think the reason women themselves think they don't care about looks is because they attribute so many positive qualities to men that are superficially very good looking. So when that "Supercute hot guy" says "gimme yer number" and leaves, women will write "oh HE WAS SUCH A CONFIDENT SWEET GENTLEMEN!!". You better hope that great guy you left for the first pretty boy who talks to you is ready to take you back, because this "magazine model" guy is going to hump and dump you.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 "Women don't care about looks" I think the reason women themselves think they don't care about looks is because they attribute so many positive qualities to men that are superficially very good looking. So when that "Supercute hot guy" says "gimme yer number" and leaves, women will write "oh HE WAS SUCH A CONFIDENT SWEET GENTLEMEN!!". You better hope that great guy you left for the first pretty boy who talks to you is ready to take you back, because this "magazine model" guy is going to hump and dump you. Woah, bitter much? Jeez, man, I say this with true compassion: you seriously need some therapy. If you'd given more than a cursory glance to the thread to skim over the words and phrases that are hot buttons to you, you'd have absorbed that my whole reason for starting it was to question and get opinions on the intentions of an exceptionally physically attractive man, about whom I assumed the worst. His good looks gave him not an advantage, but a disadvantage. You'd also have gathered that me breaking things off with the last guy had nothing to do with his looks. You have an extremely negative view of the world, women, and relationships. You need to get that poison out of your mind or it will just keep eating away at you.
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