j11181 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 My fiance and I got in a fight this weekend....to sum up the fight. He was going out with HIS friends and wanted me to go with him. MY friends were going to be in the same area and I wanted to go see them...and then thought I could just meet up with my fiance later(FYI - we both work A LOT and rarely go out and see our friends). He was mad at me because he doesn't like going out without me...he thought I should just go with him instead of going to see my friends. ANYHOW...I ended up going ahead and meeting up with my friends...then met up with my fiance at the end of the night and everything was fine. Although...keep in mind he was STILL mad at me when I went to go meet up with my friends. SOOOO...the next morning I looked at his phone and found text messages to this girl that he used to hook up with(have sex) right before he and I got together. Now I know he doesn't like this girl because I KNOW that she really liked him and if he wanted her he could have had her(I know this from other things I have found). So he sent her a text first asking what she was doing. She responds and he tells her where he is. She responds with saying he should have told her and she would have come there to meet him. Then she proceeds to invite him over(this is around 1am) to hang out with her and her roomie(who he is actually friends with as well....its a legit friendship). His response is ...will you still be awake in a while? Her response is YESSSS. His response is I am not sure I should with my attraction for you. Her response is If you are so attracted to me then why did you pass me up for someone else. He ignores the question and goes on again about how he isn't sure if its a good idea becasue they have SOOO much chemistry and he is SOOO attracted to her. THEN(I know this because of the times of the texting) I meet up with him. We go to a bar and he texts her(while with me) and says I am leaving are you still awake? She says yes and he never responds again. She texts him several more times and once even the next night...asking what happened to him. Do I ignore all this ....or Do I make a run for it...as in get the hell out of this relationship?????
Bejita463 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Well, it looks like he was thinking about it, but it also looks like he ended up doing the right thing in the end. That he even considered it is the problem though. See if he brings it up to you on his own, or if you have to ask. How long have you been seeing this guy? If this is a short relationship, I'd probably just bounce if I were you. I'd only consider it worth the effort if enough time/emotion had been invested to make me want to put up with someone who talks to their old lays when they are upset with me.
Lucky_One Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Sounds like he ONLY did the right thing because you met up with him. He still had the groundwork laid for a late night hook-up if things at the bar had gone south with you. I'd definitely confront.
Bejita463 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 He still had the groundwork laid for a late night hook-up if things at the bar had gone south with you. True, but he didn't do anything the next night either, by the sounds of it. Was anything preventing him from it that night as well, or was it all him? For that matter, was there a reply or return call for that "what happened" text?
laRubiaBonita Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 How long have you been seeing this guy? If this is a short relationship, I'd probably just bounce if I were you. I'd only consider it worth the effort if enough time/emotion had been invested to make me want to put up with someone who talks to their old lays when they are upset with me. it's her fiance.... how can she 'just bounce'?
Jersey Shortie Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Sounds like he ONLY did the right thing because you met up with him. He still had the groundwork laid for a late night hook-up if things at the bar had gone south with you. I'd definitely confront. I agree. But I would also break up with this guy. He is untrustworthy. If you stay with him, despite his behavior, he is going to think he can do it again.
Bejita463 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 it's her fiance.... how can she 'just bounce'? I guess I missed that part. Then it isn't a short relationship, eh? Thanks for the correction though.
Author j11181 Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 We live together actually. And Yes we ARE engaged. He never did respond to her when she asked what happened to him. I did sum up all of the texting. Together there were 35 text msg that went back and forth between them. Since we live together....I don't think he was serious about going over there....but does it really matter...the OTHER girl thought he was. AND since we live together I think that he just gets really insecure and every time we get in a fight he NEEDS to know if he COULD get with another girl if NEEDED. This is my analysis of his behavior....what do you guys think?
Bejita463 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 AND since we live together I think that he just gets really insecure and every time we get in a fight he NEEDS to know if he COULD get with another girl if NEEDED. This is my analysis of his behavior....what do you guys think? I think that kind of thinking has no place in any mature relationship. 35 texts? I was trying to play devil's advocate to a degree, but that's really concerning. Really concerning.
Author j11181 Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 "AND since we live together I think that he just gets really insecure and every time we get in a fight he NEEDS to know if he COULD get with another girl if NEEDED. This is my analysis of his behavior....what do you guys think?" What I meant was...AND since we live together I don't think he would really go over to this girls house and not come home.....but I think he just gets really insecure and every time we get in a fight he NEEDS to know if he COULD get with another girl if NEEDED. This is my analysis of his behavior....what do you guys think?"
Lucky_One Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Is this the same Ex that is good friends with fiance's grandmother, and who always has pics on Grandma's FB? If so, then now you know why the Ex is still emotionally attached to your fiance, and why she is still staying in touch with Grandma. Your fiance wants her there, and is giving her just enough to keep her engaged.
Hop_prophet Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Sounds like its only a matter of time to me. This is borderline cheating IMO. You did absolutely nothing wrong and he had no right to get upset at all. You even offered to meet up with him later. His reaction is ridiculous and way out of proportion for the situation. It is a HUGE red flag. The worst thing is that he talked about having great chemistry and attraction to the woman. Those are not the kind of thoughts someone should be having before getting married. This extends way beyond wanting to keep in contact with an ex. He is not over her. RUN!
Author j11181 Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 Is this the same Ex that is good friends with fiance's grandmother, and who always has pics on Grandma's FB? If so, then now you know why the Ex is still emotionally attached to your fiance, and why she is still staying in touch with Grandma. Your fiance wants her there, and is giving her just enough to keep her engaged. NOPE! This is another girl. This one he never even called his girlfriend....their relationship consisted of meeting up at the bars and having sex...he never even took her on a date. The EX the one you are referring to was his old girlfriend of 4 years.
Lucky_One Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Wow - 2 exes who are still after him. And he is still attracted to at least one of them? I wouldn't marry him any time soon; I think there is a LOT of talking that needs to take place here.
Jersey Shortie Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 What I meant was...AND since we live together I don't think he would really go over to this girls house and not come home.....but I think he just gets really insecure and every time we get in a fight he NEEDS to know if he COULD get with another girl if NEEDED. This is my analysis of his behavior....what do you guys think?" Look, it's clear you aren't going to break up with your guy over this. I think you know that things are right here but you want someont to tell you he's a good guy. His insecurity isn't justification to disrespect YOU and your relationship. Whether he was going to that girls hosue or not, his interaction with her was completely disrepectful. How would he feel if the tables where flipped on him and it was you texting another man? I doubt he would be so understanding.
Author j11181 Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 Look, it's clear you aren't going to break up with your guy over this. I think you know that things are right here but you want someont to tell you he's a good guy. His insecurity isn't justification to disrespect YOU and your relationship. Whether he was going to that girls hosue or not, his interaction with her was completely disrepectful. How would he feel if the tables where flipped on him and it was you texting another man? I doubt he would be so understanding. It's not clear that I am going to break up with this guy. It's actually very unclear. I am not trying to justify what he did with the posting that you commented on BUT I am trying to understand WHY he did it. I think at this point the WHY is becoming less and less important though. What's more important is that he DID it. I am SURE that he would feel hurt if I did the same thing to him, but I am also SURE he wouldn't leave me for it. That's just the way he is...but I am not like that. I know that I CAN walk away from this relationship...just trying to figure out if I SHOULD. AND of course living with him and being engaged to him makes things a bit more complicated as well. I am feeling regret right now. Regret for moving in with him and regret for getting engaged. Ouch...my heart hurts.
kiss_andmakeup Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Definitely confront him and don't let him tell you that you are just being insecure...it seems pretty likely to me that the only reason he didn't hook up with the chick is because you decided to meet up with him. And his basis for this was, of all things, you wanted to hang out with your friends instead of him. Do you really want to be with someone like that?
dreamergrl Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 I'm concerned with the fact that he was even thinking about it. A guy who wants to marry a girl is not considering hooking up with another girl that he has chemistry with. IMO - a guy who wants to marry a girl does not have chemistry with someone else at all. Also, there is no reason for him to be mad that you want to go out with your friends. It is only healthy to want to spend time with your friends.
boldjack Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 OP, maybe this time, he didn't do anything, but how about the next time? What happens when you are married and have a fight, will he do this again? Maybe the next time he will act on his desires. You should definitely begin to distance yourself from him. I did the same type of thing, with my first wife. Bottom line is he has shown you that he is still thinking about other women and the possibilitites of a hook-up.
Author j11181 Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 So I had bottled up this whole situation with my fiance ...trying to figure out how exactly I should handle all of it. He then (three days after the texting the OTHER girl incident happened) told me his EX called and they talked for a while. We have had issues with this girl too, and well I was upset that he had even picked up her phone call. So ...I let it all out and told him I was mad and upset ...and that I knew about the texts to the OTHER girl from the other night and how he was going to hook up with her if things had gone south with me. I talked to him for a while and basically said that I have had it(we had another incident with yet another girl a while back as well - no physical cheating, but you get it) and that we were done. I left and went to stay with a friend. He did the usual begging and pleading for forgiveness. Saying he really wants to change this time. He called and text msg the hell out of me. Then today I finally talked to him and he went and saw a counselor yesterday. He told me what he told the counselor and without showing him ....I was actually shocked because he admitted to having a problem with his insecurities and needing to know other women want him in order to feel better. The counselor would like to have me come for the third visit. WHAT SHOULD I DO???? One half of me thinks...okay perhaps he really is coming around....the other half thinks I should still get out.
stace79 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 So I had bottled up this whole situation with my fiance ...trying to figure out how exactly I should handle all of it. He then (three days after the texting the OTHER girl incident happened) told me his EX called and they talked for a while. We have had issues with this girl too, and well I was upset that he had even picked up her phone call. So ...I let it all out and told him I was mad and upset ...and that I knew about the texts to the OTHER girl from the other night and how he was going to hook up with her if things had gone south with me. I talked to him for a while and basically said that I have had it(we had another incident with yet another girl a while back as well - no physical cheating, but you get it) and that we were done. I left and went to stay with a friend. He did the usual begging and pleading for forgiveness. Saying he really wants to change this time. He called and text msg the hell out of me. Then today I finally talked to him and he went and saw a counselor yesterday. He told me what he told the counselor and without showing him ....I was actually shocked because he admitted to having a problem with his insecurities and needing to know other women want him in order to feel better. The counselor would like to have me come for the third visit. WHAT SHOULD I DO???? One half of me thinks...okay perhaps he really is coming around....the other half thinks I should still get out. Personally, I would just stay out of it. I have been through the wringer dealing with a fiance who still talks with an ex who obviously has no respect for my R. It just isn't worth it, to me. IF you decided to go to the counseling session, I would still temporarily call off the engagement. There's no way in hell I'd marry a guy who thought it was acceptable to text other girls he's attracted to whenever he got mad at me.
dreamergrl Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 So I had bottled up this whole situation with my fiance ...trying to figure out how exactly I should handle all of it. He then (three days after the texting the OTHER girl incident happened) told me his EX called and they talked for a while. We have had issues with this girl too, and well I was upset that he had even picked up her phone call. So ...I let it all out and told him I was mad and upset ...and that I knew about the texts to the OTHER girl from the other night and how he was going to hook up with her if things had gone south with me. I talked to him for a while and basically said that I have had it(we had another incident with yet another girl a while back as well - no physical cheating, but you get it) and that we were done. I left and went to stay with a friend. He did the usual begging and pleading for forgiveness. Saying he really wants to change this time. He called and text msg the hell out of me. Then today I finally talked to him and he went and saw a counselor yesterday. He told me what he told the counselor and without showing him ....I was actually shocked because he admitted to having a problem with his insecurities and needing to know other women want him in order to feel better. The counselor would like to have me come for the third visit. WHAT SHOULD I DO???? One half of me thinks...okay perhaps he really is coming around....the other half thinks I should still get out. I'd hold off the engagement. I'd go to counseling. I wouldn't rush back to him until changes are made. After changes are made, I'd continue with the counseling. I'd be waiting to see the changes are more permanent and not just a temporary ploy to get you back.
Space Ritual Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 So I had bottled up this whole situation with my fiance ...trying to figure out how exactly I should handle all of it. He then (three days after the texting the OTHER girl incident happened) told me his EX called and they talked for a while. We have had issues with this girl too, and well I was upset that he had even picked up her phone call. So ...I let it all out and told him I was mad and upset ...and that I knew about the texts to the OTHER girl from the other night and how he was going to hook up with her if things had gone south with me. I talked to him for a while and basically said that I have had it(we had another incident with yet another girl a while back as well - no physical cheating, but you get it) and that we were done. I left and went to stay with a friend. He did the usual begging and pleading for forgiveness. Saying he really wants to change this time. He called and text msg the hell out of me. Then today I finally talked to him and he went and saw a counselor yesterday. He told me what he told the counselor and without showing him ....I was actually shocked because he admitted to having a problem with his insecurities and needing to know other women want him in order to feel better. The counselor would like to have me come for the third visit. WHAT SHOULD I DO???? One half of me thinks...okay perhaps he really is coming around....the other half thinks I should still get out. Young Lady, I have been reading through these threads over the past week or two and decided when I saw yours to finally register and put a thought or two in. Being that he has had a "revelation" and simply sought counseling and come to the conclusion that he indeed needs to know that other women want him in order for him to feel good about himself, I submit to you that any thought of marriage, or continuing this relationship at all should be seriously reconsidered. He is exhibiting signs of someone who will lie in wait for you to have your guard down and then "WHAM"....you find yourself with a cheater. Think about it...what happens if this is discovered a couple of years , a mortgage, and a child or two down the road.... The member who posted that the the only reason he didn't hook up over the weekend was because you showed up is SPOT ON. Remaining in any type of contact with exes or even previous hookups once someone is engaged is a lynchpin of deceitful behavior. He has basically given you a roadmap to disaster should you walk down the aisle with this guy. No epiphany through a counselor will bring him back from his admission to you. If he feels a need to know other women want him, then you can rest assured that your relationship and marriage will be rife with infidelity on his part. The reason he does not want you to be out with him at bars is because a fiance in eyesight cramps the style of somebody who is trying to get laid. This man WILL CHEAT ON YOU...NO IFS, ANDS, OR BUTS ABOUT IT! My best guess is that he already has. Spare yourself a boatload of drama and heartache and don't believe for a second that his appointments with a Strip Mall Relationship Counselor is going to solve his problems. The hopeful half of you thinks that this can be saved and a fruitful life together can be achieved. The correct half of you knows that will never be the case. Get out now, or I fear you will be back here posting in a year lamenting the fact that you didn't listen the first time around. This guy has 90 miles of bad road written all over him. I suggest you take a different road and leave him behind.
ADF Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 (edited) My fiance and I got in a fight this weekend....to sum up the fight. He was going out with HIS friends and wanted me to go with him. MY friends were going to be in the same area and I wanted to go see them...and then thought I could just meet up with my fiance later(FYI - we both work A LOT and rarely go out and see our friends). He was mad at me because he doesn't like going out without me...he thought I should just go with him instead of going to see my friends. ANYHOW...I ended up going ahead and meeting up with my friends...then met up with my fiance at the end of the night and everything was fine. Although...keep in mind he was STILL mad at me when I went to go meet up with my friends. SOOOO...the next morning I looked at his phone and found text messages to this girl that he used to hook up with(have sex) right before he and I got together. Now I know he doesn't like this girl because I KNOW that she really liked him and if he wanted her he could have had her(I know this from other things I have found). So he sent her a text first asking what she was doing. She responds and he tells her where he is. She responds with saying he should have told her and she would have come there to meet him. Then she proceeds to invite him over(this is around 1am) to hang out with her and her roomie(who he is actually friends with as well....its a legit friendship). His response is ...will you still be awake in a while? Her response is YESSSS. His response is I am not sure I should with my attraction for you. Her response is If you are so attracted to me then why did you pass me up for someone else. He ignores the question and goes on again about how he isn't sure if its a good idea becasue they have SOOO much chemistry and he is SOOO attracted to her. THEN(I know this because of the times of the texting) I meet up with him. We go to a bar and he texts her(while with me) and says I am leaving are you still awake? She says yes and he never responds again. She texts him several more times and once even the next night...asking what happened to him. Do I ignore all this ....or Do I make a run for it...as in get the hell out of this relationship????? Wow. What a mess. You guys have fights over who's friends to go out with, despite the fact you're going to end up in the same place. Your boyfriend thinks nothing of flirting with an old flame right afterwards (mark my words: if they're not doing it right now, they will be soon). And you think nothing about violating your BF's/ privacy and snooping through his text messages. Not only should you guys break up, neither of you should date anyone until you both grow up a little. Neither of you seems to have any trust in the other nor any respect for other's people's boundries. Edited October 30, 2009 by ADF
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