2sunny Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 this is easy. quit the PTA. no one says you HAVE to be involved. step away at the benefit for your marriage. change all the emails that are social only to go only to an email account that your husband can read - he reads them - it doesn't involve you. he can tell you of a social gathering that you need to be aware of. get a new job. if you don't - that is also your actions showing that a job is more important than your marriage. i can't understand why your husband isn't giving you tighter boundaries to repair the marriage... like, quitting the job and PTA asap or else! have your H talk to his W and tell the truth. that will also shut down the MM and all the lies he expects YOU to cover for him. do not cover! by doing this - you continue to live the lie over and over... for the MM benefit again.
Fallen Angel Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 BEG, I am usually of the mindset that it is not the OW/OMs place to tell the BS. But in this case, THEIR repeated harrassment and HIS continued efforts to get you to lie for him disgust me to the point that I feel you should tell her! He is not only trying to get YOU to lie, but knowing that you and your husband are now UNITED again as a team in this it seems he also expects your husband to lie! I think you and your husband should sit down and jointly compose a letter to the BW. You should make it as emotionless as possible. Facts only! You can also choose to include copies of correspondence between yourself and fMM. I would DEFINATELY include any recent requests from him asking your assitance in continuing the lies to her. I would put it in hard copy, and have it sent to her via registered mail that ONLY SHE can sign for. (return receipt perhaps? check at your local postoffice for options) I would also include a letter explaining that ANY further communication from either she or he will be considered harrassment and that your husband and yourself are willing to seek legal action against them if it continues. (ie restraining orders, criminal charges...) And be prepared to do just that! I am sure the thought that their neighbors will learn of his indiscretions by an arrest for harrassment may have the desired effects. (make sure you let them know you are willing to take it that far if need be) Good luck, hun. I know this has been so hard on you, I am glad to see you are getting angry instead of wallowing in your pain. It is a healthy step forward. (((HUGS)))
Fallen Angel Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 this is easy. quit the PTA. no one says you HAVE to be involved. step away at the benefit for your marriage. change all the emails that are social only to go only to an email account that your husband can read - he reads them - it doesn't involve you. he can tell you of a social gathering that you need to be aware of. get a new job. if you don't - that is also your actions showing that a job is more important than your marriage. i can't understand why your husband isn't giving you tighter boundaries to repair the marriage... like, quitting the job and PTA asap or else! have your H talk to his W and tell the truth. that will also shut down the MM and all the lies he expects YOU to cover for him. do not cover! by doing this - you continue to live the lie over and over... for the MM benefit again. in this economy that is often easier said than done. I think she has stated that she is seeking employment elsewhere, but i have friends with Masters Degrees who are taking jobs as customer service reps for Time Warner Cable, because jobs are just not available in their feilds (and Time Warner is not even accepting applications for these positions unless you have a four year degree or better!!! To answer phones for God's sake!!!) I say she should keep her job until she has an equivalent job to go in to. She shouldn't put her family at finacial risk, it is already on shaky ground without finacial struggles to contend with.
ladydesigner Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I was not an evil wife or an evil person BEFORE my H's infidelity. But you know, sometimes I feel I am now. Ditto:laugh: I am definitely more evil after my H's affair than before.
skylarblue Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Originally Posted by 2sunny this is easy... B*LLSH*T!! Why the f*ck should you accommodate and turn your life upside-down for an assh*le that clearly doesn’t give a sh*t about anything he’s doing to your life. He’s causing all this havoc in your life and you’re just going to lie down and say okay for however long until whenever. F*ck that!! quit the PTA. no one says you HAVE to be involved. step away at the benefit for your marriage. How about staying involved for the benefit of your kids. How about staying involved because you want to. How about staying involved because no assh*le’s W’s presence is going to intimidate you and your activities. change all the emails that are social only to go only to an email account that your husband can read - he reads them - it doesn't involve you. he can tell you of a social gathering that you need to be aware of. I believe you said you’ve changed personal email accounts. As far as contacting you on work related stuff, then why is he calling you. Tell you at work or thru work related email or voicemail. As you said “keep it professional”. And if he chooses to not keep it professional tell HR. get a new job. if you don't - that is also your actions showing that a job is more important than your marriage. No, that is your action showing this my job; this is how I pay my bills and take care of my family; this is where I’m employed and have been employed and will continue to be employed if I wish. And if he has a problem with the two of you working together, he can quit. Now if you want to find a new job then go for it, but not because of this pr*ck. i can't understand why your husband isn't giving you tighter boundaries to repair the marriage... like, quitting the job and PTA asap or else! What!! I can’t believe your H isn’t confronting the guy and telling him if you contact my W about the A one more time I’ll snap you in half. have your H talk to his W and tell the truth. that will also shut down No, you shut it down. You tell this jerk you’re done and not playing his f*ckin’ game anymore. It stops or you’ll tell his W everything. And then if he doesn’t, you tell her. the MM and all the lies he expects YOU to cover for him. do not cover! by doing this - you continue to live the lie over and over... for the MM benefit again. 2sunny…You say this, but then you advise her to change her life like she should hide from this guy. Sorry. I’m not the type of person to look the other way especially when I think I’m being screwed over. It’s the last thing someone would want to do. The first out-of-line b*llsh*t that he pulled, it would have been made clear there wouldn’t be another. And if he had the balls to continue to try to save his ass at my expense, all hell would break loose. I’d just let the chips fall where they may.
fooled once Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 I am confused..... Since the NC email, has HE contacted you regarding the Affair? Since the NC email, has SHE contacted you regarding the Affair? If he has contacted you regarding the affair, what did he want? If she has contacted you regarding the affair, what did she want? IF the only affair communication has been the NC email -- then why is there all this talk of continuing to lie for him? Sorry BEG, but I see you still obsessing about it all. Your H knows ALL of it. His wife doesn't. And you want her to because it will slap him in the face. This is revenge because you don't feel he is hurting enough. IMHO - if you/your H haven't spilled all by now, then your chance to do so is gone. To continue to all the fall out of the affair to effect your daily lives is ridiculous. To continue to discuss if she knows enough, if he is telling her the full truth, if he is hurting enough, blah blah blah -- the affair is taking over your life. IF I was truly DONE with someone, I wouldn't want them anywhere near me. Like the PTA, like at work, etc. Drop out of the PTA FOR NOW - you can always do it again later. HEAL YOUR MARRIAGE first and foremost. FOCUS ON YOUR marriage, not their marriage. My thoughts on telling -- you didn't want her to know when you were doing her husband, to tell her now your truth is hypocritical, IMHO. Leave it alone. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go **hug**
Fallen Angel Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 I am confused..... Since the NC email, has HE contacted you regarding the Affair? Since the NC email, has SHE contacted you regarding the Affair? If he has contacted you regarding the affair, what did he want? If she has contacted you regarding the affair, what did she want? IF the only affair communication has been the NC email -- then why is there all this talk of continuing to lie for him? Sorry BEG, but I see you still obsessing about it all. Your H knows ALL of it. His wife doesn't. And you want her to because it will slap him in the face. This is revenge because you don't feel he is hurting enough. IMHO - if you/your H haven't spilled all by now, then your chance to do so is gone. To continue to all the fall out of the affair to effect your daily lives is ridiculous. To continue to discuss if she knows enough, if he is telling her the full truth, if he is hurting enough, blah blah blah -- the affair is taking over your life. IF I was truly DONE with someone, I wouldn't want them anywhere near me. Like the PTA, like at work, etc. Drop out of the PTA FOR NOW - you can always do it again later. HEAL YOUR MARRIAGE first and foremost. FOCUS ON YOUR marriage, not their marriage. My thoughts on telling -- you didn't want her to know when you were doing her husband, to tell her now your truth is hypocritical, IMHO. Leave it alone. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go **hug** The way i read it, her fMM and his BW have continued to text, email, call AFTER they sent the NC letter. If I read it correctly, the fMM is still lying to his W and is emailing her so that if there is contact between BEG and the BW she will know his lies, and be able to back up his story. That is what I got out of reading the entire thread, but I could be wrong.
moaningmyrtle Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 The way i read it, her fMM and his BW have continued to text, email, call AFTER they sent the NC letter. If I read it correctly, the fMM is still lying to his W and is emailing her so that if there is contact between BEG and the BW she will know his lies, and be able to back up his story. That is what I got out of reading the entire thread, but I could be wrong. It's not clear to me either. Sorry BEG not to know, but was the NC letter sent by you (and/or your H) or by him (and/or his W)? Has either the MM or his W continually contacted you after they have sent the NC letter or is it after you have sent it. If it's him who has been contacting you to get you to lie for him then it's not really fair of you to claim that is W is coaching him or that she is breaching NC. Likely she doesn't even know. Maybe they are both contacting you separately in the belief that the other isn't also contacting you - it's really hard to tell and makes it difficult to advise. If you (and your H) haven't sent a NC letter yourselves then I recommend you do so immediately. You can hardly go to the police arguing "harassment" if you haven't actually told either the MM or his W not to contact you. That is only fair. I acknowledge I don't know the full facts and it seems a few other Loveshackers don't either, so please tread carefully in taking any advice if it's possible that the advice givers don't know all the facts.
PhoenixRise Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 The way i read it, her fMM and his BW have continued to text, email, call AFTER they sent the NC letter. If I read it correctly, the fMM is still lying to his W and is emailing her so that if there is contact between BEG and the BW she will know his lies, and be able to back up his story. That is what I got out of reading the entire thread, but I could be wrong. The way I read it, She received a NC letter from the MM that she believes was dictated by the BW. If she stated that the BW has contacted her other than the NC letter that actually came from MM but she believes the wife dictated, then I missed it. As I understand it, MM has continued contact to keep her in the loop regarding the lies he is telling his wife so that if the wife calls or contacts OP then OP will know what lie to back up for him. If the wife is harassing her, I haven't seen her post about it.
whichwayisup Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 The way i read it, her fMM and his BW have continued to text, email, call AFTER they sent the NC letter. If I read it correctly, the fMM is still lying to his W and is emailing her so that if there is contact between BEG and the BW she will know his lies, and be able to back up his story. That is what I got out of reading the entire thread, but I could be wrong. No, they were in NC and then the exMM and his wife send the official NC letter. There's a thread about it, I posted the link in an earlier reply. The NC has stuck, it seems that she is just upset that NC was "officially" stated, that the MM and his wife were the ones who intiated it first. She has NO clue what the MM has told his wife, I think she's speculating abit and assuming as well. Anyway, as far as I've understood it, there has been NC, no emails, no talks excluding the recent NC offical letter by MM and his wife.
whichwayisup Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 (edited) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t206751/ Here's the other thread. My mistake: MM called today. with her there. discussion about some logistics and the email yesterday. i had some questions for him but completely forgot them when i heard his voice. and this did exactly what i thought it might. it sent me into a tailspin. havent heard his voice since nc. he was kind, but firm. this was the first time we've talked since we weren't a team anymore. its a different world when you know things arent "our" secrets anymore and we're no longer going through this together. he asked questions about me and H and i avoided it. not his info to know. Apparently MM did call her after the NC letter was sent. Edited October 27, 2009 by whichwayisup
Fallen Angel Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 thats sort of the deal here. we have never contact them. not once. havent thought about it. we attempt to move on, then get a text or an email or a phone call. then it brings it up, ruins our good days, brings us both down. then an email to me alerting me of what new lie hes told her in case she might contact and ask about it. its like ENOUGH ALREADY. stop the crap. youre being scum. dont ask my husband and I to keep up with your BS. i feel like hes just a selfish coward. she has all of these continued questions and keeps bringing it up because it doesnt make sense to her. DUH! its all a lie. thats why it doesnt make sense. part of me wants to be like, you know what? heres the story. the truth. do what you want with it and leave us alone. and let him get what he deserves. he did it, he should own up to it instead of causing more heartache in my marriage. This post is what leads me to the conclusions I came to... from THIS post I believe there has been post-NC letter contact coming from fMM and BW.
PhoenixRise Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 This post is what leads me to the conclusions I came to... from THIS post I believe there has been post-NC letter contact coming from fMM and BW. You may be right. I took it to mean that OP thinks none of it is making sense to the BW because MM keeps lieing to her so she keeps asking him questions so he continues to build on his lies so HE keeps OP in the loop regarding the lies he is telling his wife. MM wants OP to know the stories he is telling In Case there is contact between OP and BW. I don't think the wife even knows there is any contact at all. I could have read this wrong though. Perhaps the OP will clarify.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 ok sorry. been out for a bit. let me clarify. initial email. says we're moving on together, going to mc and told me the story he told her (which was far from the truth). next day a phone call with her there but only he spoke. next day another email, talking about details (still not the truth). and then a conversation with him. saying he wanted to fill me in on the story in case it came up. and also told me at this time that she was there for all of the emails & phone call. didnt say she wrote them but that she was there. never has it been said nc, just implied, but one email said the a was over. i have told my H, showed him the emails etc every time. and every time it brings up more pain / anger and discussions of things we're trying to forget or at least work through. and every time H says F* him/her, shes bringing this up, asking more questions but doesnt even know the real story.
PhoenixRise Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 ok sorry. been out for a bit. let me clarify. initial email. says we're moving on together, going to mc and told me the story he told her (which was far from the truth). next day a phone call with her there but only he spoke. next day another email, talking about details (still not the truth). and then a conversation with him. saying he wanted to fill me in on the story in case it came up. and also told me at this time that she was there for all of the emails & phone call. didnt say she wrote them but that she was there. never has it been said nc, just implied, but one email said the a was over. i have told my H, showed him the emails etc every time. and every time it brings up more pain / anger and discussions of things we're trying to forget or at least work through. and every time H says F* him/her, shes bringing this up, asking more questions but doesnt even know the real story. They why don't you and your H take the initiative and send MM a NC letter. Tell him YOU are moving on and working on your marriage and that you want no further contact with him under any circumstances. Also tell him you will talk to his wife if she or he contacts you again. I think you should be proactive instead of sitting back and waiting for his next text.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 we could. we've thought about it, but that in a way is sort of continuing the contact which i guess in their mind is only ok if theyre the ones initiating it. ridiculous. anyway, like i said earlier. im keeping my my mouth shut because i dont want to look like i'm trying to contact in any way. after all, a NC letter is still a form of contact.
PhoenixRise Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 we could. we've thought about it, but that in a way is sort of continuing the contact which i guess in their mind is only ok if theyre the ones initiating it. ridiculous. anyway, like i said earlier. im keeping my my mouth shut because i dont want to look like i'm trying to contact in any way. after all, a NC letter is still a form of contact. Browneyedgirl You will do what you think is right for your life.... But there is a difference in taking control of your life and your recovery and continuing contact. You say MM's texts, emails, etc are hurting you and harming your marital recovery. I say take the initiative and do what you can to put a definitive stop to it. NC letter from you to him along with the promise that you will blow him out of the water with his wife will stop the contact. If it doesn't then follow through, tell the wife and THAT WILL stop the contact. IMO you can't focus fully on recovery and moving forward with your H is MM is still a factor in your life and marriage. Do what you need to to get rid of him. You can either be proactive or reactive Good Luck.
MizzBlue72 Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 I know as OW we have a tendency to feel bad, especially if we have chosen in our lives to either leave the marriage and the MM stays, or if we choose to keep our marriage and provide full disclosure. Life isn't fair. I know that you feel like the BS NEEDS to know - but don't do it. Steer clear. Stay the high road with your husband in tow. The MM needs to deal with this - and yeah, it may not feel right that he does not discolse it, etc. -- but the A is over. Let karma kick in. If you haven't - block emails, change phone numbers, etc. Do all of it - and DON'T respond to anything they send!!! This will just keep things going. Good luck.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 You know what? Both SHE and the MM have created an enemy as well as they have created this situation for the spouses they chose. She states that she resents that its no longer them in this together. What is this? Honor amongst thieves? Now her husband has someone to hate besides her. She's coming out like a champ, only she doesn't realise it because she is so caight up in the victim role. Honey, you chose it, he's playing in perfectly, so thank your lucky stars and get on convincing your H that you're worth this trouble.
NoIDidn't Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 MBEG I wonder why you don't just forward the email he sent you with his lies back to his W's email account. I mean, he's telling you to collude with him in his lie and if its clear to you that that's what he's doing, it will be clear to her as well. I get the feeling that this man actually believes his lies. Reading what you write about him now, I wonder what you ever saw in him (no offense intended in that). Has your H seen this email with him asking you to repeat his lie? If so, is he open to getting it to the BW and possibly talking with her about it? If not, why not?
moaningmyrtle Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 MBEG I wonder why you don't just forward the email he sent you with his lies back to his W's email account. I mean, he's telling you to collude with him in his lie and if its clear to you that that's what he's doing, it will be clear to her as well. I get the feeling that this man actually believes his lies. Reading what you write about him now, I wonder what you ever saw in him (no offense intended in that). Has your H seen this email with him asking you to repeat his lie? If so, is he open to getting it to the BW and possibly talking with her about it? If not, why not? I'm just wondering, because you keep saying either that the W has contacted you or "they" have contacted you. Has the W actually phoned, texted, e-mailed, carrier pigeoned you (or any other form of contact) herself at all? If she has, then it probably means she realises her H is lying to her and it almost certainly means that she would really appreciate the truth from you; so you are probably justified in informing her that her H has also contacted you asking you to lie for him; and also telling her whatever it is she want to know. I'm not saying you have to but merely that in my view (as a BW myself) it would be totally appropriate.
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