mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 so the last couple of posts on that thread focused on the MM. his lies. the delusions involved in the affair and how it relates to all involved parties. as i begin to recover from my affair it comes with the realization that this man certainly was not who or what i believed him to be. his actions after dday certainly proved that. the lies came out, the true feelings came out, and now in a futile attempt to save whats left of his marriage hes continuing to lie to her, and send emails to me and "prove" his love for her at my expense. certainly painful on this end. i think he could have chosen a better route at ending things. could have clearly said goodbye to me a different way, not used my pain to further his relationship etc. so with this he continues to lie to her. she doesnt know the truth. things would probably be much harder on him if she did. hes covering his own a**. my husband knows everything. every last detail. its hard for us to make are way through things but easier in a way because i have nothing to hide. my thoughts now are that i should tell her. i should tell her the complete truth and that he continues to lie to her. why? because he wronged me, hurt me, used me to try to fix his marriage. he betrayed me and hes a terrible person. i think she should know the truth for multiple reasons. would she be writing emails and making him send them to me if she knew they were based on lies? shouldnt she know what type of person shes really dealing with? would it be a way for me to somehow "come clean" to her and acknowledge that i dont want this game of manipulation to continue? my husband is with me on this. as he sees the pain im going through. suffers the "unfairness" that we are struggling to resolve through some serious affair betrayal while theyre MC is based on brief version of the affair that makes it seem as a mistake that happened only momentarily? and would it possibly make me feel a bit better on how he treated me? i continue to cover for someone who has thrown me under the bus. he could care less about marriage, my heart or my life. maybe he should get a dose of his own medicine. any thoughts???
whichwayisup Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Let it go...The MM and his wife sent YOU a NC letter. It's over. His wife knows of the affair and it's not your business to get involved now. THEY are trying to fix things, now it's time for you to JUST focus on your H and fixing your own marriage. You have to accept YOUR role in all this and stop wanting to make the MM suffer. Own your part, and hopefully together you and your H can work through everything else. Leave MM and his wife alone. Sorry to be harsh, but I honestly think you are spending too much time thinking of MM.
Lucky_One Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Bottom line. You would like to repair your marriage. MM would like to repair his marriage. You are working on YOUR marriage in the way that YOU feel you should, by being honest. He is working on HIS marriage in the way that HE feels he should, by trying his best to reassure his wife that his feelings for you were negligible. YOU want to put YOUR feelings about how a marriage should best be repaired onto HIS marriage. Mind your own affairs (pardon the pun) at this point. Stay out of his marriage, stay out of what he is telling his wife for whatever reasons he is telling her. Now - if he is still bringing you into his marriage by continuing to email you or to allow his wife to email you, after the initial NC letters - then I would nip that in the bud promptly, by asking a lawyer to write them a letter forbidding any sort of contact with you (postal service, electronic, in person, etc.) Bottom line - you and your H are putting emotion and effort into an area that has nothing to do with your own healing. Every minute that you discuss MM and how he is lying to his wife (or whatever you are saying about him) is a minute that you aren't paying attention to your first priority.
NoIDidn't Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I think that your betrayed H should speak to his betrayed W if anyone should do any talking. You say that your H knows all the details, then let him tell her. He would do it in a way that is likely not nearly as humiliating as she would perceive it from you. I know its hard to feel like you are the scapegoat for him and his marriage. The truth is, that's the way that affairs are structured. Someone loses and someone loses BIGTIME. Why did you say this was a continuation of the "evil W" thread? Do you think his W is being evil in this? I can see how that conclusion can be reached if you did, but you really have no idea of how she got to this point. This could be a subsequent affair that she's had to deal with and she determined that the *next* OW was going to handled differently. I know that doesn't sound good or respectful for her, but if that's the way she wants to live her life and conduct the recovery of her marriage - I can't hold it against her. So far, she's done nothing personal to you. She's not following you around, or staking out your home. So if this is what she feels she needs to do (try to control her H's every move), I'd ignore it. You have enough on your own plate.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 thats sort of the deal here. we have never contact them. not once. havent thought about it. we attempt to move on, then get a text or an email or a phone call. then it brings it up, ruins our good days, brings us both down. then an email to me alerting me of what new lie hes told her in case she might contact and ask about it. its like ENOUGH ALREADY. stop the crap. youre being scum. dont ask my husband and I to keep up with your BS. i feel like hes just a selfish coward. she has all of these continued questions and keeps bringing it up because it doesnt make sense to her. DUH! its all a lie. thats why it doesnt make sense. part of me wants to be like, you know what? heres the story. the truth. do what you want with it and leave us alone. and let him get what he deserves. he did it, he should own up to it instead of causing more heartache in my marriage.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 no. shes certainly not an Evil wife. the last couple of posts on that threads talk about delusions and how the man makes the OW feel like the most important while telling the BW he only wants her etc. its about seeing someone for who they really are. and like i mentioned i think his actions are exposing him BIG TIME. its over and done. he should stop lying and manipulating and playing the sides against each other. everyone else is exposed and hurt while he continues to try and save himself.
whichwayisup Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Again, WHO cares what is going on over there? Why haven't YOU blocked MM from your email? Move on, and forget about MM and his wife, focus on your own healing. How MM handles his life/marriage and how much his wife may or may not know shouldn't concern you..BUT, if ANYONE is to talk to anyone, I am in the mindset that your H should speak to his wife ALONE..Without you or MM present or involved.
Lucky_One Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 thats sort of the deal here. we have never contact them. not once. havent thought about it. we attempt to move on, then get a text or an email or a phone call. then it brings it up, ruins our good days, brings us both down. then an email to me alerting me of what new lie hes told her in case she might contact and ask about it. its like ENOUGH ALREADY. stop the crap. youre being scum. dont ask my husband and I to keep up with your BS. I believe that you need to contact a lawyer. This is NOT the first affair that he/she has dealt with. Ask him/her to draft a letter of NC, with promises of police action of Restraining Orders if they violate this first request, along with promises that they will be sued for your legal fees. And then be done with it.
whichwayisup Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 he should stop lying and manipulating and playing the sides against each other Doesn't matter. Don't let ego rule here. What matters ONLY is you and your H. You have no say, control on how MM handles it.
Snowflower Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 no. shes certainly not an Evil wife. the last couple of posts on that threads talk about delusions and how the man makes the OW feel like the most important while telling the BW he only wants her etc. its about seeing someone for who they really are. and like i mentioned i think his actions are exposing him BIG TIME. its over and done. he should stop lying and manipulating and playing the sides against each other. everyone else is exposed and hurt while he continues to try and save himself. MBEG, you're getting excellent advice on this thread from the posters here. Please, for your sake and for that of your H, do NOT invest any more of your emotional energy into what your fMM is doing (or not doing) in his marriage. It's none of your business...unless they are still contacting you beyond the NC letter/email? Unless they are continuing to contact you, don't worry about their marriage.
1Angel Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I am very sorry you're hurting. Two wrongs don't make a right. What if he decides to take action to get back at you getting back at him? Around and around it goes until everyone suffers more in the end. Each minute you spend plotting to make him pay due to how he has wronged you, he wins! The very best revenge is living a happy life. Focus on rebuilding your marriage and YOU win!
whichwayisup Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2446533&postcount=1 I can tell you are far from over the pain of losing MM. Re-read this thread, your very first post less than 2 weeks ago. Hate to say it, but how much is this really about him? Seems you are just plain hurt and need to work through more letting go of MM and all that happened between you two.
2sure Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Like you said, you have a variety of reasons for wanting to tell his wife the truth. Some of those reasons are no doubt based on defense of yourself, youre human. But regardless of those reasons, the wife should be told in this particular case for COMPASSION. I'll tell you why. She has decided to try to save her marriage. It is evident that they re in MC and blindly following the typical steps and rules. She is grasping at this because first, nothing makes sense anymore. She cant trust her H and he has her convinced she cant trust her own instincts. This is her LIFE, not just her marriage. She is making decisions, taking action, forming beliefs, trying to regain her sanity, etc.....but she continues to be fed lies. Give her a break. Tell her. It will hurt her, it will not benefit you...but in this case, its compassion.
NoIDidn't Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 MBEG I feel for you. Have you considered creating a filter that automatically deletes emails from them? Or just blocking them via your ISP? I think the lawyer idea is great. Its the dumbest thing to me to send an NC letter, and then commence to breaking NC repeatedly. NC goes both ways, its not just to the other persons. The MM's side is supposed to be in NC as well. I definitely like the lawyer idea. And of course, my own idea of having the betrayeds have a sit down. Since there has already been a d-day, its not like this is new to them. She will get the picture that your H doesn't want to keep reliving this because of her questions and if it comes down to a lawyer, she will likely start calling him on his lies. She wants the truth. He's not giving it to her. But I do not believe that its your job to give her the truth. This is the one time where it should be acceptable to say that you aren't the one married to her. Because, good grief, this is going to make your head explode. I hope you have a better day soon.
bentnotbroken Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I always believe the BS deserves to know, no matter the motive. If you and your H think it is right for you...go for it. She should have all the facts.
NowhereToHide Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 so the last couple of posts on that thread focused on the MM. his lies. the delusions involved in the affair and how it relates to all involved parties. as i begin to recover from my affair it comes with the realization that this man certainly was not who or what i believed him to be. his actions after dday certainly proved that. the lies came out, the true feelings came out, and now in a futile attempt to save whats left of his marriage hes continuing to lie to her, and send emails to me and "prove" his love for her at my expense. certainly painful on this end. i think he could have chosen a better route at ending things. could have clearly said goodbye to me a different way, not used my pain to further his relationship etc. so with this he continues to lie to her. she doesnt know the truth. things would probably be much harder on him if she did. hes covering his own a**. my husband knows everything. every last detail. its hard for us to make are way through things but easier in a way because i have nothing to hide. my thoughts now are that i should tell her. i should tell her the complete truth and that he continues to lie to her. why? because he wronged me, hurt me, used me to try to fix his marriage. he betrayed me and hes a terrible person. i think she should know the truth for multiple reasons. would she be writing emails and making him send them to me if she knew they were based on lies? shouldnt she know what type of person shes really dealing with? would it be a way for me to somehow "come clean" to her and acknowledge that i dont want this game of manipulation to continue? my husband is with me on this. as he sees the pain im going through. suffers the "unfairness" that we are struggling to resolve through some serious affair betrayal while theyre MC is based on brief version of the affair that makes it seem as a mistake that happened only momentarily? and would it possibly make me feel a bit better on how he treated me? i continue to cover for someone who has thrown me under the bus. he could care less about marriage, my heart or my life. maybe he should get a dose of his own medicine. any thoughts??? Oh, BEG...this is such a hard one for me to answer. I know our situations are so similar (except for your H knowing everything). There is a big part of me that would LOVE to cause my xAP pain -- and him having to face his W with his indiscretions would be the ultimate pain for him. But I know that's my anger talking. I'm hoping someday my anger for him (and yours for your xMM) somehow gets to the point of indifference. But I know how much you want to hurt him --- I KNOW that feeling. I think my gut says to let it go. Put all of this behind you.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 i agree. i think she deserves to know all of the facts. but its not my place to tell her. so what heres what ive decided. i will in no way, shape or form break NC. but if they/he/she chooses to contact me again then i'm letting it all fly.
Lucky_One Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 So you are going to block his email and his telephone numbers?
Spark1111 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Yes, I should, and I didn't, because he very cowardly, would not give them to me, so ashamed was he of his own behavior. He had to minimize the affair --to me, to himself-- because HE could not deal with his OWN behavior. This can make a person crazy....knowing he is minimizing, knowing I know he is minimizing....it makes your head spin. I contacted her in an effort to get...what?...closure...information?...truth?...Kept it kind and friendly. She never returned my phone call. It changed my opinion of her. Who was she protecting? Herself? Him? The guy who threw her under the bus??? So after all was said and done, no one seemed to STILL give a damn about my feelings when I had made every effort to be considerate of their's. That hurt. I loved him and was willing to forgive him, but don't I have a right to know what the hell I am suppose to forgive? The complete depth and scope of it all???? I was looking for someone, ANYONE, to tell me to what extent I had been betrayed.I already knew we'd all lived the lie, in one form or another. I wanted to hear her side, her perspective. I want and still seek closure. I disagree with the majority of posters here. Someone should tell that woman the truth, IMHO.
Devil Inside Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 As is the case with most of these issues...there is no one right answer. I can see reason for either telling her or not telling her. I think that what is especially confusing is that he keeps emailing you to keep up the lie that he is spinning. I hear you not wanting to be a part of this madness...and it is especially selfish of him because each time he contacts you it is reopening the wounds that you and your husband are trying to heal. If I were in the same situation I think I would send an email stating that you and your husband want him to stop contacting you no matter the reason. You will be informing your husband of any and all communication. You will also no longer help him lie to his wife,and while you may not go out of your way to tell her what happened if he continues to disresepct your wishes for NC then you will call her and tell her what he has been doing. Good luck.
anne1707 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Again BEG I have been where you are and considered letting the woman he started seeing about how he continued to try and flirt with me, play with my feelings and text me whilst he was seeing her and this was after the A had ended. I suspect the poor woman still does not know about me and he and I work together on a daily basis Yet I decided that if I said anything, it would only be to hurt and cause pain because of where I was at that stage and that ultimately nothing would be gained except hurting an innocent party. The more you can focus attention instead on your marriage, the more chance you have of repairing and saving your marriage. The longer you think of contacting the ex-MM or his wife, the more time you take away from your H. Although I do have to say that my H does take a certain pleasure in thinking of appropriate forms of revenge on the ex-OM once I get a job elsewhere
PhoenixRise Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I think in most cases OW who question whether or not they should tell the BS the whole truth are advised not to because telling usually does not benefit the OW. In this case this is not true. The OP in this case is trying to rebuild HER marriage to her BS and they keep having wounds reopened by the contact from FMM. FMM is trying to make OP a co-conspirator in his wife's continued gaslighting. He expects her to cover up for lies he is telling his wife NOW..after the affair is over and after OP has come clean to her own husband. I think your H should have a conversation with FMM's wife. I think your H should give her all the proof of her H's lies, especially the fact that he is still in contact with you and expecting you to lie to BS if BS ever makes contact to seek out the truth. It will serve the purpose of making sure FMM leaves you alone so you can work on your marriage in relative peace... AND It will stop the unconscionable gaslighting that is going on with the BW.
Samantha0905 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Bottom line. You would like to repair your marriage. MM would like to repair his marriage. You are working on YOUR marriage in the way that YOU feel you should, by being honest. He is working on HIS marriage in the way that HE feels he should, by trying his best to reassure his wife that his feelings for you were negligible. YOU want to put YOUR feelings about how a marriage should best be repaired onto HIS marriage. Mind your own affairs (pardon the pun) at this point. Stay out of his marriage, stay out of what he is telling his wife for whatever reasons he is telling her. Now - if he is still bringing you into his marriage by continuing to email you or to allow his wife to email you, after the initial NC letters - then I would nip that in the bud promptly, by asking a lawyer to write them a letter forbidding any sort of contact with you (postal service, electronic, in person, etc.) Bottom line - you and your H are putting emotion and effort into an area that has nothing to do with your own healing. Every minute that you discuss MM and how he is lying to his wife (or whatever you are saying about him) is a minute that you aren't paying attention to your first priority. I agree with this response, except for the attorney part. That's just more drama and fuel added to the situation. If the two of you are working on your marriage, move on. How hard is it to block an email? I'm sure the two of you can figure out a way to have absolutely no contact with this other couple. Stop worrying about what they are doing. If you really want to move on with your marriage, you really need to drop this and focus on just the two of you. Screw them. Stop talking to them!! No contact means no contact at all. I don't understand all this concern you have for her well being, given it wasn't a top concern (obviously) when the two of you were having an affair. You will only cause more strife in their relationship if you or your husband contacts this woman. Focusing your attention on them will also do nothing to benefit your relationship. Leave her alone. Leave them alone. Move forward in your own relationship.
2sure Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I just wanted to note, regarding the whole evil wife thing... I was not an evil wife or an evil person BEFORE my H's infidelity. But you know, sometimes I feel I am now.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 just a quick reponse as to the question regarding the blocking emails etc. our professional/social lives lead us to HAVE to keep these open. we have deleted the personal email accounts that we used to contact each other during the affair. he emails me things from work several times a week (not me personally but the group). i have to respond to him and there are times that he will call me for work related issues that i cannot avoid (although at the moment ive been successful at dodging them). our kids attend the same school as well as extracurricular activities. she & i are both very active in the PTA and so this is another area where there would have to be contact (again not personal emails, but emails sent to a group or list of participants). so its not that easy in our case. i see him at work, have to talk to him and keep it professional. at the moment, leaving is not a possibility for either of us, although i am looking for a new job.
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