Jaspe_Loco Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I look back over my 16 year marriage with so much regret and resentment. I know that I'm not perfect, but I tried so hard for so many years. I put up with constantly looking for other men's attention, her vanity, cheating and abusive behavior when I basically got table scraps. I'd go months without sex, but she apparently didn't. I pretty much gave up any sort of life, hobbies, friends... everything because she was so jealous and possessive, yet I was never to question her actions. I finally had enough and was going to divorce her 10 years ago. She begged me to stay.... she'd do anything to prove to me that she loved me and that she was truly sorry for the way she treated me. She claimed that she accepted Jesus as her Savior and that things would be different, and they were for a while ( a short while). 18 months later, she gave birth to a beautiful daughter. Immediately, she was back to her old self again. I was fortunate to have a job that only required me to work about 8 days a month. I was able to stay home with our daughter until she went to Pre-K. During this time, my marriage spiraled to the depths of hell. My wife didn't care about be a mother ( or a wife), but she paraded our daughter around because of her beauty, getting us thousands of dollars in debt and putting us both through hell. Oh, and she was running around again. I wanted to leave so bad but she knew my weakness... our daughter. She threatened to take her from me and never let me see her. I'm so close with my DD that I couldn't stand the thought so I toughed it out a while longer. One day, I finally had enough and asked for a divorce. I had kept a journal of her behavior for years and hoped that if she decided to try to take my DD from me, she'd lose. The divorce was ugly. I was awarded full custody of our DD and had a restraining order against my wife. Of course I heard the same excuses, but I was the happiest I've been in years. Over the next six months, W earned the right to share visitation and genuinely seemed to change. She was about to go bankrupt so I let her move back in. I was an idiot, but I felt if that she could at least be a good mother, that I'd stick things out. Things did change a lot especially in terms of motherhood, but it was pretty bad for a while. I had to make a couple of threats to keep a somewhat peaceful home, but... I'm just rambling on at this point. About a month ago, I told her that I didn't love her and I didn't want to be with her anymore.... that she repulses me and that if she kisses me or touches me, it turns my stomach. You would think that would be enough to make her leave, yet she's still there. She wanted counseling and my lawyer, who is also my friend, advised me to go for a few sessions if for no other reason than to at least look as though I was trying. The counseling is making things worse. I am re-visting things that I buried deep inside and the resentment and rage is building to a point that I feel if I don't leave soon, I'll explode. Please know thought, that I would never do anything violent. I'm just in a funk today and can't get past it.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Are you still divorced or did you remarry? You sound terminally unhappy. Since you have full custody of your child, why not just move on and let your (ex?) W deal with her own issues? Mr. Lucky
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 (edited) Are you still divorced or did you remarry? You sound terminally unhappy. Since you have full custody of your child, why not just move on and let your (ex?) W deal with her own issues? Mr. Lucky I wasn't very clear in my OP. I edited the last few paragraphs. Over the next six months, W earned the right to share visitation and genuinely seemed to change. She was about to go bankrupt so I let her move back in. A few weeks later the divorce was discharged. I was an idiot, but I felt if that she could at least be a good mother, that I'd stick things out. Things did change a lot especially in terms of motherhood, but our relationship has been horrible for the most part. Basically, we cycled through a few threats to leave, and a few more "Salvation" experiences. About a month ago, I told her that I didn't love her and I didn't want to be with her anymore.... that she repulses me and that if she kisses me or touches me, it turns my stomach. You would think that would be enough to make her leave, yet she's still there. She wanted counseling and my lawyer, who is also my friend, advised me to go for a few sessions if for no other reason than to at least look as though I was trying. The counseling is making things worse. I am re-visting things that I buried deep inside and the resentment and rage is building to a point that I feel if I don't leave soon, I'll explode. Please know thought, that I would never do anything violent. I'm just in a funk today and can't get past it. I feel like a total coward for not manning up doing what I know should be done. Edited October 26, 2009 by Jaspe_Loco
Mr. Lucky Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I'm just in a funk today and can't get past it. I feel like a total coward for not manning up doing what I know should be done. I don't see the value in beating yourself up over the past. Woulda, coulda, shoulda...we've all been there. Why not move forward with the changes you regret not making 10 years ago? File for divorce, work out the custody issues and move on with your life. No time like the present ... Mr. Lucky
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 I've already started the process, but it take a few weeks to get things together. Tonight, things just got to me and I told her very bluntly that when I look at her the only thing I see is 16 months of hell. I told her that she needs to make arrangements to leave (the house and mortgage is in my name) and yet she is still here. She's going to force me to have her removed like last time. I guess if that's what she wants, so be it.
Lovelybird Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 (edited) sorry you are going through this difficult time. but you had many very very bad choices. have you wonder why you had these bad choices? anyway we all are learning through life. to get her out probably is good for both of your mental health. Edited October 27, 2009 by Lovelybird
delajoonal Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 I wasn't very clear in my OP. I edited the last few paragraphs. Over the next six months, W earned the right to share visitation and genuinely seemed to change. She was about to go bankrupt so I let her move back in. A few weeks later the divorce was discharged. I was an idiot, but I felt if that she could at least be a good mother, that I'd stick things out. Things did change a lot especially in terms of motherhood, but our relationship has been horrible for the most part. Basically, we cycled through a few threats to leave, and a few more "Salvation" experiences. About a month ago, I told her that I didn't love her and I didn't want to be with her anymore.... that she repulses me and that if she kisses me or touches me, it turns my stomach. You would think that would be enough to make her leave, yet she's still there. She wanted counseling and my lawyer, who is also my friend, advised me to go for a few sessions if for no other reason than to at least look as though I was trying. The counseling is making things worse. I am re-visting things that I buried deep inside and the resentment and rage is building to a point that I feel if I don't leave soon, I'll explode. Please know thought, that I would never do anything violent. I'm just in a funk today and can't get past it. I feel like a total coward for not manning up doing what I know should be done. I am sorry, i have been reading your posts and threads and usually when i read something i don't like i just keep it to myself.. BUT...hearing you say that your W of 16 years and gave you a daughter, that this woman makes u sick and repulses you and you SAID these words to her..i can't STOP CRYING for the pain you have cause this woman??? WHY? why do you have to be so effing cruel??? because SHE/W is in your way of your EA that you want to start a new life with? this is disgusting!!!!! i have NEVER posted something so derogatory..BUT my heart is aching for your W and those words you said to her...you should be ashamed of yourself! you can't even imagine the damage you are doing to someone's soul...you mean piece of crap!:mad::sick: and NOT do anything violent...wtf do you think those words are????? words are MORE damaging then a punch in the face....words can NEVER go away, forever imbedded in our hearts, our souls, our minds...bruises vanish...words do not! and it doesn't sound to me like you have tried to make anything work with your W...you just want to get rid of her and out of your house so you can start your life with your so called EA... well, good luck pal! i only Pray NO ONE says to you, "you repulse me now get out!" ya...how would that feel????????????? azzhole!
Lovelybird Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 because SHE/W is in your way of your EA that you want to start a new life with? I thought he said his wife cheated on him, abused him, flirted with other men, and got them into debt?
Fallen Angel Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 I am sorry, i have been reading your posts and threads and usually when i read something i don't like i just keep it to myself.. BUT...hearing you say that your W of 16 years and gave you a daughter, that this woman makes u sick and repulses you and you SAID these words to her..i can't STOP CRYING for the pain you have cause this woman??? WHY? why do you have to be so effing cruel??? because SHE/W is in your way of your EA that you want to start a new life with? this is disgusting!!!!! i have NEVER posted something so derogatory..BUT my heart is aching for your W and those words you said to her...you should be ashamed of yourself! you can't even imagine the damage you are doing to someone's soul...you mean piece of crap!:mad::sick: and NOT do anything violent...wtf do you think those words are????? words are MORE damaging then a punch in the face....words can NEVER go away, forever imbedded in our hearts, our souls, our minds...bruises vanish...words do not! and it doesn't sound to me like you have tried to make anything work with your W...you just want to get rid of her and out of your house so you can start your life with your so called EA... well, good luck pal! i only Pray NO ONE says to you, "you repulse me now get out!" ya...how would that feel????????????? azzhole! DELA, HUN??? I know that seeing him say that triggered something in you. I get that, but go back and RE-READ his original post. There is much more to it than wanting to be with his EA partner. I still don't think what he said was okay, but I know I called my xH some horrible things when I finally left and to my mind he deserved every one of them for his abusive treatment and serial cheating on me. Hell, I made up cusswords to describe him and called him things that would make a bus load of drunken Marines blush. Was it right? NO. Two wrongs never make a right, but, sometimes we say things without the compassionate part of our brains ever getting a chance to process it. We just blurt out raw emotions in the midst of long standing pain and suffering. So, I am sorry that you were so affected by this particular comment, but I don't think that your reaction to it was fair. (And you KNOW that I adore you, so not picking on ya, just lovingly trying to point it out to ya hun!) (((HUGS DELA))) If ya ever just need a hug, ask.. we all have bad days, and we understand.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 I thought he said his wife cheated on him, abused him, flirted with other men, and got them into debt? eww, eww, eww....look at his posts. He's been in an affair himself for three years!!!!
lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 And in another post, he says he FILED three years ago. Hm.
tami-chan Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 *hugs*delajoonal*hugs*....oh dear...this is a very difficult thread to read for you. But, Jaspe is allowed to express his frustrations too, you know? He has to be as honest as possible with what went down in his marriage so he can get honest feedback too, you know? Please, do not own the things he has said to his wife..his wife is totally different from you.... Jaspe, time to bust the move....get her out of there before it gets any worse. Good luck!
delajoonal Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 (edited) fallen... ahh...you are so sweet...and right...thank you for being my friend.. ONLY you the most sensitive and kind LSer i know, can point this out to me and make me see i made a mistake in being so harsh... BUT i still think those words are awful for anyone to hear... ok, crying again...the problem, is well, YOU Fallen KNOW why...right? it's just too close to home...and i am afraid those words cannot be taken back... as well as i believe he said he was in an affair for 3 years as well...correct? Fallen and tami chan...i wish i could HUG you BOTH !!! for knowing me and understanding and being so kind about my crazy words... even tho i feel they are just, i am going to apologize, simply for upsetting my friends and well, because i am NOT that kind of person... im hurting so much from my H's own EA those cruddy letters set me off and then to see him (OP) calling his wife repulsive...it made me cry so hard...and again, here i sit crying. Edited October 27, 2009 by delajoonal add
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 (edited) BUT...hearing you say that your W of 16 years and gave you a daughter, that this woman makes u sick and repulses you and you SAID these words to her..i can't STOP CRYING for the pain you have cause this woman??? WHY? 13 of those years I was less than human to her. I was faithful while she repeatedly cheated on me, took every interest, friend, hobby, etc. away from me, and was violent. When I filed for divorce 3 years ago, I had almost 75 pages entered in my journal and the judge granted me (a man) full custody of our 6 year old daughter. That should tell you about what we went through. because SHE/W is in your way of your EA that you want to start a new life with? I started the process of divorce long before my EA. i have NEVER posted something so derogatory..BUT my heart is aching for your W and those words you said to her...you should be ashamed of yourself! you can't even imagine the damage you are doing to someone's soul...you mean piece of crap!:mad::sick: Yeah, I can, because I was dragged through hell for the first 13 years of our marriage. She took advantage of my commitment to God and marriage to do whatever the hell she wanted to do only to claim "Salvation" and that satan made her do it when I had enough. Yes, she gave me a beautiful daughter that I love with all my heart, but she also did every thing she could to take her away from me when I got tired of her infidelity and violent and abusive behavior. She took all of those years from me and I'll never get them back. Sorry, but that makes me feel a bit resentful. words are MORE damaging then a punch in the face....words can NEVER go away, forever imbedded in our hearts, our souls, our minds...bruises vanish...words do not! Well, I guess I can lie to her, tell her that I love her and want to spend the rest of our lives together only to drop the D bomb on her a month from now.... or I can tell her how I really feel and hope she leaves on her on. and it doesn't sound to me like you have tried to make anything work with your W...you just want to get rid of her and out of your house so you can start your life with your so called EA... Again, you haven't read all of my posts. I've tried harder than anyone could have been expected to try. Her dad, a pastor no less, has told me on numerous occasions that he couldn't have dealt with the things I've dealt with. My EA has nothing to do with my wife. If my EA left me this moment, I'd still leave my wife. You know what, going back to the divorce. I had full custody of my daughter and still gave my wife $600 a month, on my own volition, to help her financially. I gave her almost all of our furniture and even offered to let her stay in the house while I paid the house payment until she could refinance the mortgage. All of this because she racked up nearly 20K in credit card bills that I paid off!!! Don't tell me that I'm effing cruel! Edited October 27, 2009 by Jaspe_Loco
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 sorry you are going through this difficult time. but you had many very very bad choices. have you wonder why you had these bad choices? anyway we all are learning through life. to get her out probably is good for both of your mental health. I have made bad decisions. I think it's probably a result of letting bitterness and resentment get hold of my life. I mean, I'm responsible for my own actions, but I think the sooner I get out of this situaltion, the better off I'll be.
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 fallen... ahh...you are so sweet...and right...thank you for being my friend.. ONLY you the most sensitive and kind LSer i know, can point this out to me and make me see i made a mistake in being so harsh... BUT i still think those words are awful for anyone to hear... ok, crying again...the problem, is well, YOU Fallen KNOW why...right? it's just too close to home...and i am afraid those words cannot be taken back... as well as i believe he said he was in an affair for 3 years as well...correct? Fallen and tami chan...i wish i could HUG you BOTH !!! for knowing me and understanding and being so kind about my crazy words... even tho i feel they are just, i am going to apologize, simply for upsetting my friends and well, because i am NOT that kind of person... im hurting so much from my H's own EA those cruddy letters set me off and then to see him (OP) calling his wife repulsive...it made me cry so hard...and again, here i sit crying. I did not take in account how my words may have hurt others that are in similar situations. I don't regret saying those words to my wife, but I do regret that I hurt someone else while sharing my story. I sincerely apologize.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 I am sorry, i have been reading your posts and threads and usually when i read something i don't like i just keep it to myself.. BUT...hearing you say that your W of 16 years and gave you a daughter, that this woman makes u sick and repulses you and you SAID these words to her..i can't STOP CRYING for the pain you have cause this woman??? WHY? oh, so because they have a daughter together, he can't express how he feels to her? This woman cheated on him time and time again. NOTHING he said to her was in any way as bad as what she DID to him. The pain he caused this woman? The woman that cheated and wanted non-stop attention from men? I think what he said to her was actually VERY watered down. He could have said MUCH worse. And the words he said to her were justified and appropriate. you can't even imagine the damage you are doing to someone's soul...you mean piece of crap!:mad::sick: ya and for all those years she was just doing wonders for his soul way before he said anything like that to her:rolleyes: and it doesn't sound to me like you have tried to make anything work with your W...you just want to get rid of her and out of your house so you can start your life with your so called EA... gee, wonder if the roles were reversed and this were a woman telling her story, that it would come out different. I see you don't really care about the main problem, the serial cheater in this situation, needing to bear the brundt of "making it work" here:o i only Pray NO ONE says to you, "you repulse me now get out!" well, as long as he doesn't become a cheater like his wife, those words wouldn't be appropriately directed at him. ya...how would that feel????????????? how do you think he feels about the 13 years of cheating BEFORE he uttered those words? dont want to talk about that do you?
GorillaTheater Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Dex, if you know anything about Dela, you'd know that she was seriously triggered by the OP. So I'm suggesting that you back off. As for Jaspe, his biggest screw-up was taking the wife back.
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 well, as long as he doesn't become a cheater like his wife, those words wouldn't be appropriately directed at him I am involved with a MW and have been mostly since I filed for divorce 3 years ago, so I can't claim any moral high ground where cheating is involved. Dela was apparently hurt very badly because someone told her undeservingly what I told my wife. Her reaction is understandable.
65tr6 Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 (edited) OP, there is some confusion around your post. Can you please set this straight for us..... You had a bad marriage and also your wife cheated on you, is that a true statement or not ? You take the blame for your share of bad marriage ? Yes ? Was your wife ever remorseful for cheating on you ? While I don't agree with you on how you handled it....Filing for divorce and then taking her back without lessons learnt from the horric experience....I don't blame you because you went through hell. There are no clear cut instructions on "how to recover a marriage affected by infidelity". I am not justifying what you said to your wife in the heat of moment, (which could be just after dday, one year or even 10 years after dday) but it does not change the fact that she cheated on you, does it ? (and worse if she is not remorseful for what she did) You started your affair AFTER you filed for divorce, is that a true statement or not ? Are you holding any other information back that might be relevant to your post ? Edited October 27, 2009 by 65tr6
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 You had a bad marriage and also your wife cheated on you, is that a true statement or not ? Yes. She had one affair in 1996, 2 in 1999, 1 in 2005... that I know of. Infidelity wasn't the biggest problem though. She was verbally and physically abusive, selfish, obsessive, she would withhold sex for months at a time... really I could go on and on. You take the blame for your share of bad marriage ? Yes ? I certainly can't claim that I was perfect in my marriage, but I can't name any instance where I was deserving of any of the above mentioned treatment. I think the biggest problem was that I let my Christian believe convince me that I had to be committed to my wife no matter what. And unfortunately, I let biblical counselors brow me into maintaining belief. In other words, I was a coward. Maybe if i had been a man to start with, things would have been different. Was your wife ever remorseful for cheating on you ? My wife only confessed one of the 1999 affairs because she thought a friend was about to rat on her. She claimed to be remorseful and that she was committed to serving God from that point forward and wanted me to stay. The problem was that she only admitted to the affair that she thought I suspected. Unfortunately for her, I did suspect that affair at all. She only admitted the second 1999 affair when there was no way to get out of it. This has been the reoccurring theme of our marriage. She majorly screw up, I threaten to leave or leave, she claims "Salvation" and may even be OK for a little while, then we begin again. You started your affair AFTER you filed for divorce, is that a true statement or not ? Yes. I began the paperwork in July 2006. She had threatened violence so I had to get an emergency order. That emergency order was not served until Oct. 27th, 2006. My relationship with the MW began in early Oct. I was working on this two months before I met her. You started your affair AFTER you filed for divorce, is that a true statement or not ? I think I've covered everything in this post and other posts on this site. Things between MW are quite serious now, but we did take a nearly year-long break and only got back together last January. But as I said before, she has had no impact on my relationship with my wife. If MW left me today, I'd still feel as about my W as I do now. I would even say that having MW in my life has probably tempered some of the anger towards my W, especially in the last few months.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Dex, if you know anything about Dela, you'd know that she was seriously triggered by the OP. So I'm suggesting that you back off. uh, what she said to him was HIGHLY inappropriate and calling someone an "azzhole" and jerk when HE is the one that has been s##t on his entire life by her. I'm not the one that needed to back off. She is. I didn't say anything out of line. She did.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 I am involved with a MW and have been mostly since I filed for divorce 3 years ago, so I can't claim any moral high ground where cheating is involved. nope, you sure can't. so how does that make you feel that you are a party to another woman doing the same thing to her husband as your wife did to you? Or are you going to say her husband deserves it? Dela was apparently hurt very badly because someone told her undeservingly what I told my wife. Her reaction is understandable. her reaction would be understandable IF your wife didn't deserve those words and if your wife wasn't a serial cheater for all those years which you made VERY apparent in your post. A reaction that of which she gave should have been the reaction if your wife wasn't a mental abuser and cheater all these years. If that was the case, yes, her reaction would be understandable.....most definitely.
Lovelybird Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I think the biggest problem was that I let my Christian believe convince me that I had to be committed to my wife no matter what. And unfortunately, I let biblical counselors brow me into maintaining belief. In other words, I was a coward. Maybe if i had been a man to start with, things would have been different. Hi Jaspe, the words here caught my eyes. Very interesting points you brought up. My intention of last post wasn't to want you to stay in beating yourself up, I meant you owe your part of responsibility and learn, so you can do better in the future. Actually being a overly nice guy isn't the fault of your Christian belief, but a result of lack of knowledge about what God truly wants from us. Please hear me out. I just read something in an amazing book, it helped me look things more clearly and helped me to grow in some areas. Our belief never told us to being a person with no backbone, actually the Bible told us to "confront" the brother who wronged you out of love, and speak truth. Suppose your wife wronged you by overspending, did you take action to set limits on her spending. When she bankrupt, you just paid for her irresponsibility by taking her back. Ok, pay for your wife's irresponsibility isn't really love as the Bible talks about, because it enabled her more irresponsibility. There is a law in Bible "what you sow what you reap", if you take that consequences of her irresponsibility away from her, she just doesn't learn anything from her irresponsibility. So in the beginning of your marriage, you didn't set up limits or boundaries to improve the situation. why you didn't? maybe you wanted her to depend on you? or something else such as fear of being criticized as "bad" guy, or fear of losing her. This book talked about "pull the plank out of your own eyes then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye", it means that "the ground is level before the foot of cross", whenever a person step over the boundaries, another has the responsibilty to confront, has the responsibility to change self. Confrontation and set boundaries may be painful, but bring good results in the end, like God discipline us, good training may suffer a while, but in the end it is life-giving. It seems that for now your wife is the thorn in your thigh, to get rid of her can get rid of the headache. well, probably it is, but when you meet a new person, you still will face those boundaries problems, still have to face how to interact with another imperfect human. Our issues in our lives really in the end is about our OWN character growth in God. Well, this author is a Christian councelor as well, some councelors are really good, some aren't.
Recommended Posts