Girlfriend and I were about to move in together and she backed out

[ZoomAround]

This is my first time visiting the love shack forums. Anyhow here is the story, I'll try to keep it short!

 

Back in July of this year I met the girl who is now girlfriend. We have been boyfriend/girlfriend now since then and things have been going very very well. She recently got out of college in May and moved in with her parents temporarily until she figured out where she was going to work in our city and then get a place in that location.

 

Anyhow, about four weeks ago we talked about how wonderful it would be that instead of her getting a place by herself, that we would just get a really nice place together. I am in the computer field and make a decent amount of money, herself is in the medical field and makes a lot of money, more money than myself by a large margin. I live in a decent apartment right now only two miles from my work and like I said she is living with her parents, but her work is 60 miles away from there.

 

We decided to look at houses in a location that had everything that we wanted food and shopping wise, yet was also closer to her work and not too far from mine. The location we picked changed her commute from 60 miles to work to 25 miles to work. The location would change my commute from 2 miles to work to 29 miles to work.

 

We pretty much decided that we wouldn't move in together until February of next year, because that's when my lease ran out and she wanted to stay at her parents through the holidays. But the first weekend we went house hunting in the area of town we picked, we found the perfect house and the builder was desperate to get rid of it and we got an amazing deal. We put in an offer and it got accepted.

 

Being that I have owned a house in the past, I did not qualify for the $8k tax credit that the government is currently doing, so the whole house was put in her name. We were still going to go half and half on the mortgage and bills though.

 

Well we put in the offer and it got accepted about three weeks ago and ever since then we have been doing nothing but planning out our house and what furniture we are going to get, what colors we would paint the walls etc etc etc. I also put in my 60 day notice at my apartment complex and was planning on breaking my lease early.

 

Well this is the bad part. This past weekend we spent the whole weekend looking at furniture again, but then Sunday morning, about 10 minutes before we were suppose to meet her mom for lunch she told me that she thought it was too early for us to live together and how she wants to be boyfriend/girlfriend for at least a year and also be engaged before living together.

 

This hit me like a ton of brick being that I have been doing nothing but planning to move into the place for the past three weeks, and even told my parents, all my friend, and co-workers about the place we were getting together.

 

She still plans on moving in the place by herself, and she can easily afford the mortgage and to pay for all the furniture and stuff herself. She does not think its a big deal that we don't live there together yet. But to me it is a very big deal.

 

It hurt me pretty bad when she told me this information yesterday, and I even sold some of my furniture in my apartment already. This morning I plan on calling my apartment complex office and canceling my 60-day notice.

 

I guess the biggest problems I have with all this is first off, I am going to have a very hard time even going to that house and visiting her being that it was suppose to be "our" house together. Also she will be a little further away from me when she moves there. She keeps telling me I can come stay there, and she will come stay with me, that she just doesn't want to do a permanent move in until we have been together longer and an engagement happens.

 

This is the other thing, since we have been BF/GF, every weekend she would stay at my apartment, and during the week I visit her at her parents house almost every night. So we normally see each other at least 5 times a week. She told me that she is not used to all the attention being that other guys she has been with were pretty mean to her, and that she thinks us seeing each other 5-6 times a week will be a bad thing for our relationship. She also wants me to do more "guy things" which isn't easy for me because I didn't grow up in our city and I don't have many guy friends here, and the ones I do have are married or have serious GFs and never want to do anything. But her on the other hand, she grew up here and has plenty of friends.

 

When I asked her why in the heck she didn't decide for us not to live together earlier, like BEFORE we even looked at houses together. She just said we were both in our "new relationship high" and she wanted to at the time and also wanted to make me happy and thought I wanted to as well. But now she said that the "high" is over and we need to do things right.

 

I haven't done anything to change her mind about us living together, and we haven't gotten into any arguments.

 

Sorry, I know this is a super long post, but for those who were kind enough to read it. What do you think?

[mushmush]

Thank her for her honesty.. It probably was not easy at all for her to tell you this..

 

She is right, moving in together is a huge step and buying a house/appartment is a major 20 year commitment.. If you have lived with someone and it has not worked out, you will understand what a **** storm this can be.

 

You have been going out for what? 3-4 months.. Why rush into things ass over tits?

 

Continue seeing each other and if in say 6 months or so things are still going great then move in togther.

 

She is not rejecting you in any way shape or form..

 

Not moving in togther at this stage of the relationship is the right thing to do.

[Lucky_One]

I think she's pretty smart. If she can afford this house on her own, then living apart makes a whole lot more sense than moving in. You barely know each other - I don't care HOW much time you have spent with each other - it is still a new R.

 

She may also feel that she wants to live on her own for a while, learn how to manage her own money, make her own decisions, budget and plan for large expenses, eat tuna straight out of the can for dinner after a long day at work without having to worry about anyone else saying it stinks. I think that is IMPERATIVE for anyone, but especially for a woman. Many women get into a trap of moving from her father's home to her husband's home, and never learning how to take care of themselves. Then a divorce happens, and she may find herself floundering around in a quagmire of financial stuff that she has never had to deal with.

 

Smart girl, here, and one who is capable of making hard decisions that could impact you both in a very positive way for the future.

[boogieboy]

She makes it sound like youre smothering her...sounds like you need to back off a little, maybe only see her when she asks to see you, let her initiate all the contact and such.

[ZoomAround]

Thank you everyone for all of the feedback. It has made me feel better.

 

There have been times when the relationship did feel rushed and I was not 100% sure if we should move in together this soon. I guess neither of us had the guts to say anything to the other person until she said it yesterday.

 

I do agree that she is a smart girl for making this decision. It was just a very big shock to me yesterday, and she didn't realize it was going to hurt me in the way it did.

 

About the smothering stuff, I do agree we spend a little too much time together. But one of the reasons I have initiated so much contact with her is because after work she will ask me if I am coming over etc, and the tone of her voice always sounds like she wants me to come over. Whenever I have said that I am just going to chill at my place that night and do some laundry etc, she always seems upset. So I guess I have just been confused.

[moman]

Zoom - go out and meet some friends NOW. Limit your week night visits to 1-2 nights per week, the remainder of the nights you are "busy". Sounds like this relationship is one-sided, her winning and you being the led around puppy.

 

It's also a good thing that you're not moving in together.

[BCCA]

As someone who has lived with someone and had it not work out, thank your lucky stars she pulled the plug. It hasnt even been 6 months, you honestly dont know each other well at all. Before intertwining your life, belongings and finance together with someone, take some time to make sure you know them, and that you both want to marry each other. While things do change, you would do yourself a huge favor to not rush into this stuff. Unraveling the mess post breakup is painful.

 

From what I read, your life involves hanging out with her or being alone, which is not good. She cannot be your only form or entertainment or your only company. She wants you to do 'guy stuff' because she wants a chance to miss you. She wants to know you can go out and have fun without her, and enjoy your life independently. Dude, find guy friends, find other stuff to do, see her less often.

[ZoomAround]

Zoom - go out and meet some friends NOW. Limit your week night visits to 1-2 nights per week, the remainder of the nights you are "busy". Sounds like this relationship is one-sided, her winning and you being the led around puppy.

 

It's also a good thing that you're not moving in together.

 

 

Well the city we live in is very large. It's not easy to just randomly make new guy friends. I have only lived here for about three years and have made friends here and I have plenty of them, but like I said most are married or have serious GFs, and when they do want to hang out, they want to do couple things.

 

I am not being the led around puppy, there are plenty of nights I just wanted to stay home and relax by myself, but when I hint that I am going to do that she seems upset. So I am just trying to be the nice guy.

 

But we are too close to see each other just 1-2 times a week, 3-4 is better number for us, versus the 6 days a week we see each other now.

 

 

 

As someone who has lived with someone and had it not work out, thank your lucky stars she pulled the plug. It hasnt even been 6 months, you honestly dont know each other well at all. Before intertwining your life, belongings and finance together with someone, take some time to make sure you know them, and that you both want to marry each other. While things do change, you would do yourself a huge favor to not rush into this stuff. Unraveling the mess post breakup is painful.

 

From what I read, your life involves hanging out with her or being alone, which is not good. She cannot be your only form or entertainment or your only company. She wants you to do 'guy stuff' because she wants a chance to miss you. She wants to know you can go out and have fun without her, and enjoy your life independently. Dude, find guy friends, find other stuff to do, see her less often.

 

I agree, we don't know each other well enough now to be moving in together so quickly.

 

My life involves more than just hanging out with her or being alone. I do things with my guy friends when the opportunity arises. If I were in my hometown I would have the opportunity to do things with the guys daily, and like I said a few times, all the guys I know are married or have serious GFs and never want to get out and do guy things often, but when they do, I jump on that chance. I think its easier for girls to make new friends out of no where then guys. I mean crap, if I started talking to some random guys I play basketball with at my gym you can easily get accused of being gay if your like "So what are you doing later man?". You just go play some ball and leave, no one tries to find friends there. Playing basketball at the gym and going to work isn't the only two places I interact with other guys, but those are just some examples.

[bean1]

Uh, this isn't just moving in together after 4 months of dating... it's splitting a mortgage?? No, that's insane.

 

Zoom, I moved in with my (now) husband after 3 months of dating and things have been just fine. However, I certainly didn't add myself to any mortgage or financial obligation other than handing him some rent money in the beginning.

 

To purchase a home with someone you have only known for a few months, let alone someone you are dating, is just a recipe for financial disaster. Not to mention the whole "milk is free so why buy the cow" thing that a lot of women are afraid of.

[kiss_andmakeup]

You've only been dating for 4 months, so I think this was a wise choice. And at first I didn't realize but it looks like you were contemplating going in on a mortgage together? I agree with the above poster, that's nuts. You don't even know if your living styles are compatible yet.

 

I waited over a year to move in with my boyfriend, into his apartment, and I was still thinking it was a little soon. I wouldn't even have considered being contractually bound to a dwelling with him so early in the game.

 

Back off a little. Give her some space. Let the relationship happen. Why the rush?

[SecretlySad]

Thank her for her honesty.. It probably was not easy at all for her to tell you this..

 

She is right, moving in together is a huge step and buying a house/appartment is a major 20 year commitment.. If you have lived with someone and it has not worked out, you will understand what a **** storm this can be.

 

You have been going out for what? 3-4 months.. Why rush into things ass over tits?

 

Continue seeing each other and if in say 6 months or so things are still going great then move in togther.

 

She is not rejecting you in any way shape or form..

 

Not moving in togther at this stage of the relationship is the right thing to do.

 

I agree.

 

I wish I had never moved in with my boyfriend, I need my own space, but I didn't have the guts to back out on him and now I am miserable.

[TheLoneSock]

This is my first time visiting the love shack forums. Anyhow here is the story, I'll try to keep it short!

 

Back in July of this year I met the girl who is now girlfriend. We have been boyfriend/girlfriend now since then and things have been going very very well. She recently got out of college in May and moved in with her parents temporarily until she figured out where she was going to work in our city and then get a place in that location.

 

Anyhow, about four weeks ago we talked about how wonderful it would be that instead of her getting a place by herself, that we would just get a really nice place together. I am in the computer field and make a decent amount of money, herself is in the medical field and makes a lot of money, more money than myself by a large margin. I live in a decent apartment right now only two miles from my work and like I said she is living with her parents, but her work is 60 miles away from there.

 

We decided to look at houses in a location that had everything that we wanted food and shopping wise, yet was also closer to her work and not too far from mine. The location we picked changed her commute from 60 miles to work to 25 miles to work. The location would change my commute from 2 miles to work to 29 miles to work.

 

We pretty much decided that we wouldn't move in together until February of next year, because that's when my lease ran out and she wanted to stay at her parents through the holidays. But the first weekend we went house hunting in the area of town we picked, we found the perfect house and the builder was desperate to get rid of it and we got an amazing deal. We put in an offer and it got accepted.

 

Being that I have owned a house in the past, I did not qualify for the $8k tax credit that the government is currently doing, so the whole house was put in her name. We were still going to go half and half on the mortgage and bills though.

 

So you were going to be helping her pay off a house you had no stake or title in? Not a smart move. Wether you love her or not. I could understand helping her out if you were going to be living there, but %50 of everything is drastic.

 

Well we put in the offer and it got accepted about three weeks ago and ever since then we have been doing nothing but planning out our house and what furniture we are going to get, what colors we would paint the walls etc etc etc. I also put in my 60 day notice at my apartment complex and was planning on breaking my lease early.

 

Well this is the bad part. This past weekend we spent the whole weekend looking at furniture again, but then Sunday morning, about 10 minutes before we were suppose to meet her mom for lunch she told me that she thought it was too early for us to live together and how she wants to be boyfriend/girlfriend for at least a year and also be engaged before living together.

 

She is thinking clearly. You have not been together long enough. I applaud her for keeping her eye on the ball.

 

This hit me like a ton of brick being that I have been doing nothing but planning to move into the place for the past three weeks, and even told my parents, all my friend, and co-workers about the place we were getting together.

 

I know it can be hard and even embarassing to have something like this fall through after telling everyone the news, but don't take it too hard. I'm CERTAIN that many of the people you told will agree it is a good idea to wait, and will commend you and your g/f for waiting.

 

She still plans on moving in the place by herself, and she can easily afford the mortgage and to pay for all the furniture and stuff herself. She does not think its a big deal that we don't live there together yet. But to me it is a very big deal.

 

It hurt me pretty bad when she told me this information yesterday, and I even sold some of my furniture in my apartment already. This morning I plan on calling my apartment complex office and canceling my 60-day notice.

 

I know it is a big deal to you because you had emotional feelings tied into it, imagining and planning ahead. But you need to look at this differently. She's right, it's not a big deal. Canceling your lease before it was up was not a good idea either, so fulfilling it now is also a plus to this situation.

 

I guess the biggest problems I have with all this is first off, I am going to have a very hard time even going to that house and visiting her being that it was suppose to be "our" house together. Also she will be a little further away from me when she moves there. She keeps telling me I can come stay there, and she will come stay with me, that she just doesn't want to do a permanent move in until we have been together longer and an engagement happens.

 

This is the other thing, since we have been BF/GF, every weekend she would stay at my apartment, and during the week I visit her at her parents house almost every night. So we normally see each other at least 5 times a week. She told me that she is not used to all the attention being that other guys she has been with were pretty mean to her, and that she thinks us seeing each other 5-6 times a week will be a bad thing for our relationship. She also wants me to do more "guy things" which isn't easy for me because I didn't grow up in our city and I don't have many guy friends here, and the ones I do have are married or have serious GFs and never want to do anything. But her on the other hand, she grew up here and has plenty of friends.

 

When I asked her why in the heck she didn't decide for us not to live together earlier, like BEFORE we even looked at houses together. She just said we were both in our "new relationship high" and she wanted to at the time and also wanted to make me happy and thought I wanted to as well. But now she said that the "high" is over and we need to do things right.

 

She is thinking very responsibly. Do not look at these reconsiderations as a bad thing, or a step back or a demotion of any kind in the relationship. This shows that she is in it for the long haul and wants to do it right with you. You already see each other 5 times a week and spend the night together 2-3 times a week. That is a lot of attention. You don't need any more than that- you might want it, but you don't need it. She wants you to get out and do more guy things because it's what's best for YOU. It's also attractive to girls when a guy has his OWN life. She is sending you a clear message here: get out more, and stop worrying about being next to me 24/7. She is also recognizing that the honeymoon stage of the relationship is still in full swing- and as such it isn't a good idea to lay out any permanent and long term plans during it, because everything is still rosey. She is thinking responsibly, and clearly wants to make it work the right way.

 

Don't take all this as a sign that she's growing farther away from you, and don't take it personally. She is making all the right moves for both of you, wether you like them or not. She would not be doing these things if she did not foresee a long term future with you. Rest easy and slow down.

 

I haven't done anything to change her mind about us living together, and we haven't gotten into any arguments.

 

And don't try to change her mind, don't pressure her. She's right. And when she's ready for something further, she'll let you know. In the meantime, fulfill your lease, get out more and make new guy friends, enjoy the time you spend together (which is a significant amount), don't pressure her, and take life as it comes. You're in a good situation.

 

Sorry, I know this is a super long post, but for those who were kind enough to read it. What do you think?

 

My responses in bold, I hope they helped. I have lived with girlfriends in the past as well- it has it's ups and downs- but it can be detrimental to your relationship if you are not ready for it or if it is forced upon you. Take it from me, you are exactly where you should be right now.

[ZoomAround]

Thanks again for all of the comments from the recent posters. It has helped me get my mind back on track.

[Art_Critic]

Everyone had given great advice.. I do think your GF does have her head on straight..

 

Something to think about though.. it kinda sounds like it was a duo thing till she found out that she couldn't get the 8k government handout..

If she was really into you as a team than that 8k wouldn't have changed the deal..

 

Then when she realized it was her name.. her home.. her money.. she then started to think about things.. maybe even discussed this with her Mom.. you were then out...

 

It sounds like your relationship isn't built on a stable firm foundation and is only in it's infancy..

 

Hope it all works out.. but if I were you I would think about your future a bit differently and maybe not include her so fast..

[aerogurl87]

Why rush into things ass over tits?

 

Haha classic!

 

Anyway, yeah I agree with your girlfriend. After dating for 3-4 months I wouldn't move in with anyone either, let alone buy a house with them. Also I agree with her that I wouldn't move in with a boyfriend unless an engagement had happened or was imminent (meaning he would propose to me within a month of us living together). I mean if you can move in together (which is a big step in itself) then why can't you put a ring on her finger? Not saying you wouldn't marry her eventually, but for women this question comes up usually when a guy asks his woman to move in with him.