rose333 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 16 months now, and lately we've been talking about marriage. We're not planning on getting married soon or anything; we've just been having those pre-engagement conversations like "how did your family deal with finances" and such. We both have the same values, though we have many different interests. We've never had a real fight. We've had a small amount of problems, but we managed to work through those without fighting. We're both very laid back, and we communicate very well with each other. I love him. I feel like he is my other half. All of my friends love him, and all of his family, especially his mother, loves me. The problem? My family doesn't completely approve. They don't hate him; they just think I can do better. You see, he's 26 and doesn't have a professional job. He has a degree, but with things the way they are he's only been able to land a job as an assistant manager at a restaurant. He's very hard working and responsible. My parents are divorced, and their remarriages are less than ideal. They think they're in a realistic, wonderful relationship, but I see it from the outside. There's no consideration for how the other feels. All of them are very selfish in their relationships and are constantly telling me how their husband/wife needs to do A, B, and C. They are rarely happy in their relationships. A good day is a day where there's no fighting. I haven't seen them be actually happy with each other for more than a few hours in a row. It's quite sad. Anyway, my parents' relationships are far from ideal. I know I have a closer relationship with my boyfriend. I think our relationship has more respect than theirs does. My question is how do I explain to my parents that my boyfriend and I have such a wonderful relationship, and they should be happy for me, when they've never experienced what I have with my boyfriend?
Bejita463 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 We've never had a real fight. Really? ...really? I'm not saying relationships should have fighting. Honestly, most relationship fights are stupid, but... not once? My question is how do I explain to my parents that my boyfriend and I have such a wonderful relationship, and they should be happy for me, when they've never experienced what I have with my boyfriend? Like so: "I don't care if you approve or not, this is my life. Not yours." A better course of action would be not trying to explain anything at all. It is your life, and you don't have to explain anything to anyone when it involves your personal relationships (provided they are legal). They should respect your decision whether they agree with it or not.
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Rose, are you an adult? If so, who the hell cares what they think? You don't need their "approval" to get married. If they want to be stubborn and pig-headed about it, then that's their loss. I married my XH with zero support from my mom. In fact, she didn't speak to me for at least a year after we got married. Oh, well. You can't MAKE somebody approve of what you're doing - that's up to them. Just live your life. Invite them to be a part of it just so they know they're welcome (because you love them), but don't be afraid to ask them to leave if they are making you unhappy with their judgments.
Leia Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I am going with Soul_CO. A couple of weeks ago, my parents wanted me to marry their long time friends' son . A kid I knew from way back but my uncle spoke some senses into them. As for me, I spoke to them and told them there is no way I am going to marry anyone they want me to coz I have my own dreams of marrying MY man. It's not easy. I understand how you are feeling right now but this is your life. If let's say, it doesn't work out in the future ... well, that'd be a lesson you learned on your own, right? Parents should let their kids make mistakes, sometimes. I'm pretty darn sure my parents, even yours made a few in the past (I know mine did ) so tell that to them.
Author rose333 Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 Thanks. And really, not once. We've often wondered if there was something wrong with our relationship because we don't fight, but we don't avoid conflict or anything. If we have a problem, we talk it out. The trick is that we both hand conflicts the same way: we wait. We wait until we can sort through in our minds what exactly we were upset about. Was it the situation or truly something the other person did or said that upset us. Then we role play a confrontation conversation in our head over and over again until we come up with the best way to bring up the problem. Then, when we are both calm and in a private setting, we bring up the problem and talk through it. Works every time so far.
filipinafriends Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 all parents are looking for the good of their son and daughter
Lucky_One Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I would sit down and talk with my parents, calmly and directly. I wouldn't be too comfortable being too blunt or abrasive, because I value my relationship with my family very highly, and I DO like their approval and I DO want them to be a full part of my life. I think that all close relationships in my life are there for a purpose, and am not into cutting one off without much mutual discussion. Anyway, I would certainly talk with my folks about my R with my BF, but I would not draw comparisons between their R's and my own. They apparently are very happy with their dynamic, and even though you think their dynamic is wrong and unhealthy, they believe that their marriages are "realistic and wonderful" - so it works for them. And THAT'S what is important. Relationships have to work for the people in them, not for the people watching them.
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