leap83 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 So, I met a guy. He's wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. We've just talked and hung out for a bit. Going on another date this upcoming Friday. But WHY does my ex keep popping into my head?! It's annoying me. I like the new guy. I like him a lot actually. Yet I feel guilty. I'm experiencing a whole block in what I should say/shouldn't say. It's quite terrifying. And no, he doesn't know anything about my past. I didn't want to bring it up and I have no idea how to. It crossed my mind to tell him that if this was to work, we would have to slow it down a notch but then I believe this is unfair towards him. My ex and I talked about a week and a bit ago. He wants me to read this book that he kept mentioning will help me. So, I'm in the process of reading it and it IS helping me a lot actually. Objectively looking at it, it is a great book. However, I can't stop thinking about our convo or him and it's bugging me - even though I started to view him more of as a friend and started to believe that everything will work out just fine. I have no idea how to tell the new guy about slowing down things. It's eating me up so much that I can't even seem to have some fun. I have never done something like this and I feel selfish.
Odyssey Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Leap, you're clearly not over your ex. Be direct and just tell the new guy you want to take things slow. It's as simple as that. No big deal. I wouldn't mention about the past unless he brings it up, and then don't go into great detail about it. Leave the past behind you...It's not fair on the guy. p.s. How come you're still in touch with your ex?
Author leap83 Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 I'm still talking with him because he's an amazing individual and I want to keep him in my life as a friend. We both strongly believe we could make the friendship work and are both willing to go that way. I'm not over him but I'm better than I was before. Like I said, I view him as a friend now but the feelings are still there. I don't think they will ever be completely gone and the same applies to him. It's just that right now, we can't make it work and I need to move on. So I should just tell the new guy to take things slowly? What if he asks why? I really don't want to bring in the past because I've done it before with my ex (the reason why our relationship crashed - we both brought in past). I don't want to make the same mistake with this guy. I really enjoy his company and he, so far, seems like a guy who would be willing to be patient. But I also believe it is not fair towards him.
Ronni_W Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Leap, It's tough to stay friends with an ex, especially if one still has residual feelings for them. But it can be done ("where there's a will there's a way", right?) -- so I do wish you a happy outcome, about that. So I should just tell the new guy to take things slowly? What if he asks why? Yes, you do have the authority and self-responsibility to ask for what you need - in this case, for things to slow down. And it is 'functional' to be able to express your genuine needs and desires. The important thing would be to just keep him 'in the loop' of where you are emotionally, and to remember to make proper/quality time for him...where he is your primary focus (when you're with him or speaking with him, I mean.) You don't have to go into details about your past -- you can just tell him the truth about your present: you are pursuing some personal growth and development, and you will need time and space for self-reflection, processing, integrating, etc. If he suggests that he can "help" you with that, just say to effect of, "Thanks but I've heard that can put a lot of pressure on both people, and I don't want to do that to us. The best way you can support me is through your understanding and patience, and to let me know if you're ever feeling ignored or taken for granted by me." And if/when he does let you know that he is feeling kinda ignored, to just appreciate his openness and honesty...and make a bit more time for him. When I was in a similar situation as you, the above proved effective for me and my new relationship. It's a bit of a challenge because you are trying to balance meeting your own needs, and doing personal/inner work, and trying to make the new relationship work for both you and the new guy...you must be prepared to sometimes sacrifice in one area to attend to the other. But... It can be done -- "where there's a will there's a way", right? Best of luck.
Author leap83 Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 Thanks for that Ronni. I get what you're saying. It is just a difficult situation right now. I have no idea whether to be open with this guy about my ex as well. How do you bring that up into a convo? "Well... This guy and I used to date a couple of months ago. It didn't work out. He's an incredible individual though and I'd like to keep him in my life as a friend. So we're working on building a friendship." That sounds weird and I'm worried he might run for the hills, since many men don't agree with staying friends with the ex. If someone asked me to pick between the two, I wouldn't know which one to pick. And no, I wouldn't pick this new guy over my ex or my ex over this new guy. I want them both in my life - that is too much to ask I know. I can't help but feel guilty about the situation when it comes to the new guy. I haven't told my ex anything about the new guy (he has no idea I'm dating and I don't even want to go there) and I don't plan on telling him (probably a bad choice but the best thing right now). I'm not planning on being buddies with my ex. But I do plan to stay "friendly" with him. It's just... I'm worried that this is called "baggage" and it will ultimately ruin something that could potentially be good. Yet I don't want to get rid of it because I care about him and it's very rare to meet someone like him (someone who has such chemistry with you and who understands every little aspect of you). Frustrating. And guilt is biting me in the ass.
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