justwantlove Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I know im not ready to date yet. Emotionally im not over my ex yet and i would be bringing in a lot of baggage. I feel like i have some stabilizing to do in my life before i go out an look for someone. I have this friend ive been hanging out with. When i first got hired he had a little thing for me. I didn't reciprocate that and we just remained distant friends after i got with my ex. I have never casually slept around with anyone and i am adiment that i wont be that kinda girl. I have this need to be as clean/innocent as i can for the man im gonna marry later on and i cant do that if i sleep with a handfull of people. He knows exactly where i stand ice been completely honest with him, and he's never crossed my boundaries or anything.Over the last couple months weve hung out a few times. He doesn't trust women at all, his ex wife has him thinking all women are whores. We've never kissed or messed around, but i know he's still into me. He never makes it uncomfortable for me and he's being a good friend when i need one. The other night i was hanging out drinking with some friends and my ex came in. We didnt really talk, i set up no contact and have been sticking too it. My ex being there and me being drunk kinda set me back. So i drunk call and ask him to come hold me, he comes over and we just fall asleep together. He didnt put his hands were they shouldn't have been or try to get fresh in any way. If felt good that he was cool enough to be there for what i needed and not be expecting or demanding. I don't really know what my questions is. Is it unfair to him to be in the position he's in? Its not like he doesn't see other girls. Could this just be a back door way for him to try to get me? If it ever came down to that i know he would be willing to be exclusive.
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I think you played on his emotions for you by drunk-dialing him, if you want my honest opinion. He appears willing to wait in the wings while you get your **** together - hoping you'll give him first shot when the time comes for you to be "ready." I wouldn't do anything similar to the drunk-dial thing again if I were you...I do think that was unfair to him. By emotionally supporting you in such a way, he's probably hoping it would boost his odds.
TheLoneSock Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Yeah I agree. Cut the games. Being drunk isn't an excuse to use your emotional bond with him for comfort.
Author justwantlove Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 I didnt use being drunk as an excuse, it was just my present state. If i had been sober and that upset i wouldv still called him. Im not trying to play games im being completly open and honest with him. He "see's" girls right now its not like im holding him back from anything. I'm just another part of his life He dpesnt want to jump right into a real relationship at this point anyways.
TheLoneSock Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I didnt use being drunk as an excuse, it was just my present state. If i had been sober and that upset i wouldv still called him. Im not trying to play games im being completly open and honest with him. He "see's" girls right now its not like im holding him back from anything. I'm just another part of his life He dpesnt want to jump right into a real relationship at this point anyways. Well then, you seem to have it all figured out. What do you need our opinion for?
Bejita463 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I didnt use being drunk as an excuse, it was just my present state. I am not entirely certain I see what you have done there, but I am amused at the way you've worded this.
Author justwantlove Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 Im sorry i guess i just got defensive about it seeming like im playing games with him and that part about using drunkeness as an excuse. I do care about your opinions though.
TheLoneSock Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Im sorry i guess i just got defensive about it seeming like im playing games with him and that part about using drunkeness as an excuse. I do care about your opinions though. That's because you may not be intentionally playing games, but you are none the less playing games. It's called confusion and indecision- known by guys everywhere as: mixed messages. Stop sending them, intentional or not. It will spurn you later on when he has shed his emotional bond with you- he will look back and see you as manipulative, and won't want you in any part of his life.
Author justwantlove Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 I am not entirely certain I see what you have done there, but I am amused at the way you've worded this. I think i was trying to give detail when i said that i was drunk, not make an excuse for calling him. I didnt need one, i had reason. It just happened to be that the state i was in when i called him was a drunken one. Does that make since or am i using my weird logic again:D
Author justwantlove Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 (edited) That's because you may not be intentionally playing games, but you are none the less playing games. It's called confusion and indecision- known by guys everywhere as: mixed messages. Stop sending them, intentional or not. It will spurn you later on when he has shed his emotional bond with you- he will look back and see you as manipulative, and won't want you in any part of his life. Thank you very much. I needed to hear that Edited October 26, 2009 by justwantlove
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 That's because you may not be intentionally playing games, but you are none the less playing games. It's called confusion and indecision- known by guys everywhere as: mixed messages. Stop sending them, intentional or not. It will spurn you later on when he has shed his emotional bond with you- he will look back and see you as manipulative, and won't want you in any part of his life. This made me think. Next thing you know, we'll see a post from some guy: Do you think she really likes me? There's this girl that just broke up with her boyfriend. While she SAYS she's not ready to date, she talks to me ALL the time about what a jerk her ex was. I know she says she's not ready, and I'm not waiting around for her - I continue to date. But the other night her ex apparently upset her a great deal and she got drunk. I was the first person she called to come comfort her. I went over there. We didn't have sex, just fell asleep together. I really like this girl, so was respectful of her boundaries. But it was just such a sweet moment. I am really digging her. Do you think that she really does like me, but is just afraid because of her recent break-up? How long do you think it will take for her to move on from her ex and see what a great guy I am? OP - I wasn't saying you were trying to intentionally hurt the guy, either. You were hurting, so you called a "friend." However - I can say that you definitely are aware of the fact that he has feelings and you did play on them that night. Next time you're hurting like that, call a different friend. One that doesn't carry a torch for you.
mushmush Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 (edited) This made me think. Next thing you know, we'll see a post from some guy: Do you think she really likes me? There's this girl that just broke up with her boyfriend. While she SAYS she's not ready to date, she talks to me ALL the time about what a jerk her ex was. I know she says she's not ready, and I'm not waiting around for her - I continue to date. But the other night her ex apparently upset her a great deal and she got drunk. I was the first person she called to come comfort her. I went over there. We didn't have sex, just fell asleep together. I really like this girl, so was respectful of her boundaries. But it was just such a sweet moment. I am really digging her. Do you think that she really does like me, but is just afraid because of her recent break-up? How long do you think it will take for her to move on from her ex and see what a great guy I am? OP - I wasn't saying you were trying to intentionally hurt the guy, either. You were hurting, so you called a "friend." However - I can say that you definitely are aware of the fact that he has feelings and you did play on them that night. Next time you're hurting like that, call a different friend. One that doesn't carry a torch for you. lol SoulS. I have to agree 100% with what everyone else has written here. I am pretty much the guy in a very similar situation as you are in. Went out on a few dates with a girl i'd known for a few years. I had dated alot of girls over the last 6 months and this girl in my eyes stood head and shoulders above the rest. It came out that she was only recently single and not prepared for anything more. Both adored each other but just really bad timing. Now due to the situation i'm in at the moment, I can say this with 100% clarity: Out of respect for you, this guy has given you the time and space to sort your situation out. Show this guy the same respect. What TheLoneSock and SoulSeach has written is spot on the money and is why I still have so much respect for this girl.. I get the odd mixed signal, but she has shown me so much respect and restraint by not using me for emotional support or seeing me before she is ready (even though she knows i would be there for her) and i'm really grateful for that. Even though I care for her, I dont want to hear about the ex.. We keep in contact which is fine as I like to hear how she is doing. For now as much as I want to see this girl I would always want more than she is ready to give. If I did see her (no matter how cool and collected I looked) it would put me on an emotional rollercoaster and have me asking "is she just stringing me along?" It would probably also confuse her and have her asking "Am I being unfair to him?" Your post has given me a huge insite on the female perspective, why i'm getting the odd mixed signal from this girl and is what I was looking for when i joined this site. So a thankyou is in order I hope I was able to say a few things that will help you with your relationship with this guy as well. Sorry if this doesnt exactly fit your situation, but I hope it give's you another perspective. Edited October 26, 2009 by mushmush spelling
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