lovelylass Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Hi everyone Please bear with me as this is going to be a bit of a long one! 5 months ago I moved away to England from Scotland to join my fiance who had relocated with his work. We had been together for more than 5 years and we were both so happy together with our new lives. However, all this changed at the end of August. We'd been home visiting family and friends for a weekend, I was out with a friend and bumped into a guy I'd known through my previous job for years. We chatted for ages, there was definitely an attraction there and he walked me home at the end of the night. We shared a drunken kiss, I asked for his phone number and that's where it all started to go horribly wrong. He has been married with 2 children for 8 years, although for the last 5 years he has been unhappy in his marriage. He previously left the marital home but went back for the sake of his children, which he accepts was the wrong decision to make but he did it because he thought it was the right thing to do. From that night in August both of us kept in touch via text for a week before we moved onto phone calls and for the next month we were constantly texting every day and on the phone to each other for hours at a time. I accept that it was the wrong thing to do to get involved and it sounds like such a cliche but I just couldn't stop myself. After that month, I confessed all to my fiance, he told his wife and then he moved out. I returned to Scotland for a week, supposedly to consider what I wanted from life but already my decision had been made that I wanted to move home to pursue a relationship with this new man. He told me that he wasn't leaving his wife for me, that he was going to do it anyway, was fed up being unhappy and that he'd really had his head turned by me and that a relationship with me would be a huge added bonus. I had to weigh up in my mind what would be my biggest regret in life, whether it would be moving up to Scotland to pursue the relationship, it all going wrong and then me realising that I'd made a huge mistake by leaving, or if I stayed in England I would have always wondered what if. I have to say that we have the most amazing connection and have both admitted that we've never fallen for someone so quickly or felt this way about anyone. He told me that if I chose to stay in England then he would lay his cards on the table and do everything to fight for me to move home as he wanted and loved me so much. In the week that I spent home in Scotland supposedly making my decision, my decision had already been made that I wanted to pursue the new relationship and we spent a week together before I went down to break the news to my fiance. He took things rather well I have to say, didn't really say much to fight for me as he knows I'm the kind of person who is very strong minded and once my mind is made up about something that's it. He is now in the process of buying me out of the house and is being very amicable about the whole thing, far too nice for what I feel I deserve. So I've been home for a few weeks now and the first couple of weeks were great until I went to see my new man last night. We saw each other last Sunday and then spent a bit of time together on Friday but he hadn't been keeping in touch via text so much in that week but I put it down to him being ill and having a lot going on financially and trying to sort out access to his children. He asked me to go round last night as he was too ill to make it out to the shops so I went round with some food essentials then took his dog out for a walk as he hadn't been well enough to make it out that day. Then when I returned I opened the door to his flat and he mouthed at me to be quiet as he was on the phone but it was too late, I'd already said my hellos and his wife who was on the phone to him heard my voice and hung up. She'd been on the phone as she is really struggling handling the kids, aged 4 and 2 who are missing their dad terribly. He dropped the bombshell when he said that his head is messed up and he needs a few days to figure out what he wants from life and he's worried about what he'll tell the kids in 10 years time what he did to them by leaving them. He said he was so sorry he hadn't been able to tell me how he was feeling over the last week as he knows I've given up so much to be with him. He said he's finding it so hard as he is missing his kids so much. I asked him if he wanted to move back to his wife, he said no, it was beyond that and that he's still planning on moving into another flat in December no matter what. I've never ever forced him to make a decision to be with me instead of his children and made sure he knew that I knew what I was taking on when I got involved with him. He knows that I would never force that on him and that his children will always come first and that I am happy to fit in around them. I told him that I would give him the space he needs to come to a decision, that if he chooses to keep me in his life that I will always be there to support him and that it won't be long until he's in the other flat and able to have the kids overnight and see them alot more which will make him feel better, give the kids more of a routine and make things easier for his wife too. His wife doesn't want the kids staying over at his current flat as it is just a stop gap till he moves into the bigger one and she doesn't want the kids being too confused. So now I'm at a point where I just don't know what way my life is going to turn and I can see devastation occuring for me. I phoned one of my closest friends last night who assures me that I've said all the right things and I just have to take things one day at a time. I'm waiting on a phone call today to find out when I'll be starting a new job, either tomorrow or Wednesday but I have no idea how I'll be able to concentrate. As I left last night he was about to phone his wife back to finish the conversation he was having re the kids, he said he would text me last night (for whatever reason I'm not sure) but he didn't and he said he would text me tomorrow (Tuesday). I said I wouldn't expect him to have made a decision by then and he said he didn't either but I guess by saying that he means he doesn't want contact with me today. Part of me thinks that as much as I'm going through emotional turmoil just now it might just be for a few days and then he'll realise what he could be giving up if he chooses not to pursue things with me. However, another part of me is preparing myself for the worst and thinking that if I accept he's about to dump me then it won't be so bad when it actually happens. Now I feel like how my ex-fiance must have felt when I returned to Scotland and I feel absolutely gutted. I have laid all my cards on the table and told the new man that I would be gutted if he didn't want me in his life but that I don't want him to feel any pressure to stay with me based on the distance that I've travelled to be with him. I told him that I feel the same way he did when it was me making the big life changing decision and that I want to be with him. The thing is, he says it's not me that's the issue, that his head's just so messed up as he's missing his kids so much. That being the case I don't know why he's pushing me away. If anyone can offer any words of wisdom to me in my sad sorry state I would be so grateful, although I do accept that I have got involved with a married man and don't feel deserving of much sympathy at the moment. Please help.
Author lovelylass Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 Can anyone help or give me their thoughts please? All the unknown is driving me mad. If I knew I was going to be dumped I would have no choice but to accept the situation and handle it but I can't bear this
Ariadne Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 (edited) Hi, Hugs to you, and what a fantastic story also. Well, it seems like the fantasy sometimes can be more perfect than the reality. And it sounds like your bf now needs space. I know you tell him that he is free to make a decision, but see if you are not hiding resentment. Don't see it as you may have given up some things in England, it sounds like you really didn't love your ex and what happened opened your eyes. Hopefully your bf will feel more settled with the bigger apt closer to the children, that will take some time, but a few months till Dec or next year is really nothing in the big picture. And hopefully you will be more distracted with the new job and this will give the situation you are living some breathing space. Good luck with it all, and hope you are happy to be back home in Scotland, so gorgeous!!! Edited October 26, 2009 by Ariadne
Ariadne Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Oh, And: Think I'm about to be dumped - urgent needed I think that there is a 60% chance that he'll go back with the wife now. If she is not so bad with him, being not so sure of the situation with you and with the children, he may go back. Try and be a spectator of that situation and let things take their course, maybe he just needs to clear his mind, or maybe with the new apartment he'll be ok with the divorce. His decision is more difficult because it affects three more people.
Author lovelylass Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 Thanks for your advice. He assured me before I moved home that he was leaving his wife for himself as he's been in an unhappy marriage for such a long time. He told me on Sunday that he won't go back as it's beyond that now. All I can do now is play the waiting game. I'm trying to stay positive, knowing that I've said all I can say but this is eating me up
TheLoneSock Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Is your situation so complicated you couldn't fit it into 2, maybe 3 paragraphs? That was a lot of typing without saying much. That's why you've only had 1 person respond with real advice.
Author lovelylass Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 I'm sorry, I'm new to this and thought it was best to give as much info as I could
TheLoneSock Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 I'm sorry, I'm new to this and thought it was best to give as much info as I could Don't be sorry, I was just telling you for future reference. Lengthy, drawn out posts like that usually deter responses and cut the amount of advice you'll get down to a small size. I will respond I just can't finish all that and interpret it atm, finishing up a paper.
Nuala83 Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 (edited) Hi everyone Please bear with me as this is going to be a bit of a long one! 5 months ago I moved away to England from Scotland to join my fiance who had relocated with his work. We had been together for more than 5 years and we were both so happy together with our new lives. However, all this changed at the end of August. We'd been home visiting family and friends for a weekend, I was out with a friend and bumped into a guy I'd known through my previous job for years. We chatted for ages, there was definitely an attraction there and he walked me home at the end of the night. We shared a drunken kiss, I asked for his phone number and that's where it all started to go horribly wrong. For the next month we were constantly texting every day and on the phone to each other for hours at a time. I accept that it was the wrong thing to do to get involved and it sounds like such a cliche but I just couldn't stop myself. After that month, I confessed all to my fiance, he told his wife and then he moved out. I have to say that we have the most amazing connection and have both admitted that we've never fallen for someone so quickly or felt this way about anyone. He told me that if I chose to stay in England then he would lay his cards on the table and do everything to fight for me to move home as he wanted and loved me so much. So I've been home for a few weeks now and the first couple of weeks were great until I went to see my new man last night. We saw each other last Sunday and then spent a bit of time together on Friday but he hadn't been keeping in touch via text so much in that week but I put it down to him being ill and having a lot going on financially and trying to sort out access to his children. He asked me to go round last night as he was too ill to make it out to the shops so I went round with some food essentials then took his dog out for a walk as he hadn't been well enough to make it out that day. I phoned one of my closest friends last night who assures me that I've said all the right things and I just have to take things one day at a time. Part of me thinks that as much as I'm going through emotional turmoil just now it might just be for a few days and then he'll realise what he could be giving up if he chooses not to pursue things with me. However, another part of me is preparing myself for the worst and thinking that if I accept he's about to dump me then it won't be so bad when it actually happens. Now I feel like how my ex-fiance must have felt when I returned to Scotland and I feel absolutely gutted. I do accept that I have got involved with a married man and don't feel deserving of much sympathy at the moment. Please help. The thing that strikes me the most about this thread is that you've only been 'seeing' this guy since the end of August. Are you serious? Yeah you might have known him for years but you've only been together for less than 2 months. That's f*** all! I'm not surprised he's not contacting you cos he'd be an absolute fool to jump straight from a marriage of 8 years to a relationship with someone he's been 'seeing' for a few weeks, no matter how unhappy his marriage was. Whatsmore you didn't seem to hesitant in pursuing something with this guy whilst you were engaged to someone else so being with you would be taking a HUGE gamble (as would you being with him). Honestly I think you're caught up in a fantasy. Just because you've never felt this way before doesn't mean it'll last and I worry that a year or so down the line when the relationship becomes ordinary and not exciting, you both might look back on what you gave up and think, was it really worth it? 2 months??? That's absolutely nothing. Sorry if my response is harsh but I think most people would find someone who gets involved with a married man dispicable. Edited October 27, 2009 by Nuala83
Author lovelylass Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 Thanks for your honesty. I came here looking for advice and I am grateful for your comments. Being honest previously I would have frowned upon anyone getting involved with a married person, I always had such high standards but I have to take responsibilty for every decision I've made knowing fine well it could all go wrong. I don't expect people to be sympathetic to my situation at all, I'm just needing a bit of emotional support just now. The last reply does make a lot of sense and it is something I have to prepare for. Thanks for taking the time to reply
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