onewillburn Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 All this time on my hands since losing my job has been terrible. I feel much worse than I did after the initial break up. I must have been in denial, and plus I kept myself really busy with work. I have an interview on Friday that's pretty much guaranteed seasonal work. At least that will tide me over until I find something more permanent. But I'm kind of nervous about what's going on with me mentally. Last night I kind of had what I think was a minor anxiety attack. I just couldn't get to sleep. My brain kept feeding me images of her and of how much I've failed in life and consistently fail. I couldn't look in the mirror without being disgusted. I was shaking and my blood pressure was really high. I eventually just ended up staying up late watching a movie and then did an ab workout (lol). But I feel kind of messed up these days. I'll go from perfectly fine to absolutely insane and on the verge of madness internally. Normal every day things will go on around me and they'll feel like gigantic issues that I can't tolerate. I think part of it is that towards the end of my relationship with my ex, we were both very competitive with each other. She always tried to one up me and I could tell she was jealous that I was good at the things I'm good at. I saw her I guess ten days ago and she's just totally got her **** together. Going to school, moved out on her own (with financial aid money), seems to be much more content. Here I am unemployed, financial aid rejected me so I'm looking for other options as far as school is concerned, I was set to move out next month, but I can't since I lost my job. I just feel like such a failure. Even my fitness goals are off. I wanted to be at 10-12% body fat by next month, but I've plateaued around 15-16% for the last month and a half and now it seems like it's going to take forever to get there. I'm definitely working harder towards that than anything else, only because it's one of the few things I have in life right now. Just going to the gym, getting that endorphin high. Seeing the results, etc. I've been doubling my efforts but since last week I've noticed I'm less careful about my diet (very important in additon to working out when it comes to cutting body fat), which in my eyes is just a downward spiral waiting to happen. I busted out a new notebook today and am keeping track of calories/macronutrients so I can hit my goal. Another big issue right now is loneliness. I know I'd have a much easier time getting through this if I had friends. I don't really have many and have been embarassed to call the few that I do hang out with because I don't have money to spend right now (we tend to go out a lot) and a lot of times I don't feel right mentally. I had made friends over the summer, but the summer just feels like this empty blur that I barely remember and don't really want to go back to. Plus, my confidence sinks and soars at dramatic rates randomly. I feel so ugly these days. I try not to care about that stuff, but like I said it feels like I'm losing it. I feel like I can't function socially sometimes and that I'll just embarass myself completely. On the positive side, I'm looking into taking acting classes this winter and have a big year ahead of me next year. I talked to a friend of mine that travels all of the time and we're looking into going all around the country for about a month or so the month after I turn 21, which is going to be crazy (he has all kinds of hotel hookups, etc.) and obviously should really get my spirits up. But luck hasn't been on my side, so I'm not counting on that working out. Not trying to sound negative, just trying to keep my expectations low. I don't like whining. I don't like feeling the way I do over a girl. It's like I can't control it, though. I don't want her back, I just want to forget her. I want her out of my mind because at this point it just feels like a parasite up in there rotting all of my thoughts. I don't even really think it's about her or the relationship so much as it is feeling I've failed in so many ways. I have a lot of expectations of myself and people expected a lot of me and now I'm in a position I never thought I'd be in: I'm lonely, not in school, jobless, and extremely lacking in confidence. And, yeah, I've considered counseling but I don't think I could handle one or two hours a week. I'd rather just pour it all out to a buddy over a few beers, but I can't drink beer right now (gotta get that body fat percentage down) and don't have any friends that I would trust to talk to. And, really, I don't want to talk about this girl. I just want to move on. I feel a huge emptiness and worthlessness sometimes. It makes me realize how maybe I was codependent. The feelings I've been feeling, especially the really crazy ones, have forced me to get to REALLY know myself. To counsel myself in my head as if I were somebody else. To push myself mentally to areas I've never been to before. I just feel lost. I want to feel numb, but I feel lost. I'll feel totally fine and then it'll hit me that I have no life to reference to. No conversations today, didn't go out anywhere, no plans have worked out. I keep getting this stabbing feeling in my gut that I'm never going to move out and I'm just going to become this loser. I feel like I'm in survival mode 90% of the time since I lost my job. Just doing what I need to do without thinking about it or anything else. Sorry that this is long. I don't feel bad for myself, though I realize this post may sound self-pitying. I'm just really confused about a lot of things. I don't feel like I know who I am right now. I don't have much keeping me grounded if you know what I mean. I need to man up more and stop caring about things like that. But it's like there are two people living inside me sometimes. One who doesn't give a ****, and the other who does. I don't know. Just gonna ride this week out and hope that the new job starts soon after the interview.
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