seychelles Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 My ex and I were exclusive and in love and we had been dating for three years. We recently broke up in August. He wants to experience other girls, have sexual relations with them, the whole nine yards. We are both young and he is tired of being in a committed relationship because he feels life has more to offer him and he wants to take all the opportunities before settling down. He says he still has feelings for me and sees himself marrying me after this charade (chasing after girls for sex) a few years down the road. He says when he's ready to settle down, I'm the girl. So what should I do? Do what he does -- try other guys and be single for a while -- and then later on marry him? This would put us on equal standing because we would have had already experienced other people. Or, let him go experience and say goodbye and never look back? I put this second option because I am still in love with him and I am very hurt that he wants to have sex with other girls after we had been through so much together. We started out as a committed couple (we were engaged) and he wants to demote it to nothing, and then later on get married? If I felt the same way he feels (wanting to experience other guys) then this would not be a big deal and we would compromise. So what I want to ask is, what are the statistics? How often does the significant other, who is led astray, come back to the ex in the end to settle down? Would there be any hope? Is this one of those truths where once he's gone, he's gone? I know I wouldn't put my life on hold for him, and as I worked it out in my head, we would only come back to each other if I thought on the same level as he. Right now I'm not thinking on that level. I just want it to be just US, no other girls.
Soloboy Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Dang, im on the same level as you. We split in July, and She's already with another guy her brother hooked her up with that 27 and she's 20. He lives in Laos, and She lives here in ATL GA. Im 24, and She broke it off with me when she got back. So I got played. and Now Im wondering if theres a Second chance also. She says she still loves me and misses me and our Moments together. I lived with her for 2 years in her Familys house with her Brother and Mom. I just didnt know why Her brother would hook her up with his friend in Laos knowing that me and her had something so special together. IM clueless also. please check out my post when I write it later today. Hope you will realize that Im kinda in the same situation. But Im the guy. She's the girl and very beautiful model and all about Looks. Im just average. Just keep your head up and dont wait for it. Let them realize that what he's lost. I have hope and Im waiting for her, because I dont want to give up a 3 year relationship and start all over from square one. We were fine. I just got too comfortable and got too spoiled being with her and wanted more. I complained and started being controlling. Which was my fault and I live in regrets for the past 2 1/2 months.
Trimmer Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 To the OP: How old are you guys? First of all, your feeling that there is something weird about this is real and understandable - it sounds weird to me, too. I don't go for the "I want to play the field, and then I'll come back..." line. He could really mean it (which makes him a scuz-ball, sorry...) or he may just be using that as a line to break up with you "softly", which gets him out the door, thinking he hasn't caused you as much pain (because he's left you with hope) but figuring that eventually you'll move on on your own. In fact, he's probably just making your pain worse - or at least dragging it out and mixing a heavy dose of confusion in there with it. Anyway, it's hard to say what's in his head - you probably have a better chance of figuring that out than we do from limited information. But either way, he sounds pretty immature. You don't deserve to be cut loose, but still be expected to come to an emotional halt, to sit and wait and hope and wonder. If he's going to do this, I suggest you work on accepting that the relationship as you know it is over forever, and begin to live your life for yourself, which eventually (maybe not right away) will include seeing other people. Don't put on an emotional chastity belt for him, as I believe you would stunt your own development as a strong, whole individual by doing this. Again, you can't really know if he truly intends to return to you or, if he does feel that way now, you don't know if he might still change his mind later as he develops and changes into a different person as a result of spreading his wings (and his DNA, apparently...) and "playing the field." Do you want to halt your growth and emotional development, on the hope that some time later (what will it be: months? a year? years?) he will roll the dice and return to you, IF the number comes up the right way? Now, there's always the possibility that you two will meet later and decide to be together again, but I don't think you should plan your life around that, and I don't think you should let it affect your ability to go out and live your life to its fullest, starting tomorrow and every day after. Don't live a muted version of an exciting life, like "he" is waiting on the other side of something.... "He" is just another guy out there who you may meet and hit it off with someday, or you may not. But know this: if that time comes, you will be a different person, and so will he. And it may well be that as you continue to develop and grow emotionally, you will begin to see this episode with a different perspective. You may find it disrespectful, or just inexplicable, or who knows what. In the fullness of time, you may discover that you would not be able to trust him if he did "come back." So although it may sound scary now, I hope for you that you will find that you can look back on this with a little more thoughful perspective than you are able to use now (understandably) and that you see his "bolting" with the clearer eyes that time will help develop. Go live your life - and don't be afraid of living it without him. You've got lots to do on your own, lots of other people to meet, lots of living and growing and discovering to be done.
Author seychelles Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 thanks for your advice. i'm 22 and he's 23 by the way.
ecm Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I've been there. I was with my first serious boyfriend for 6 years on and off (from 17 to 23). We took breaks. We both did our thing. Its HARD to deal with, but even when oneof the girls he hung out with was like MODEL HOT, he came back. We lasted 6 years, but he always came back during that time. If it's meant to be, the other people won't matter Good luck.
Trimmer Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 thanks for your advice. i'm 22 and he's 23 by the way. Hey, you're welcome. You seem like you're reasonably well grounded - I would just hate to see you sitting around waiting for someone that either isn't going to come back, or that you may eventually decide is not worthy of you. And I'm trying to be pretty neutral here, but you can probably read between the lines what my thoughts are. Nonetheless, you know him - I just hope you will be able to see him clearly, maybe not now, but as time goes on... I've been there. I was with my first serious boyfriend for 6 years on and off (from 17 to 23). We took breaks. We both did our thing. Its HARD to deal with, but even when oneof the girls he hung out with was like MODEL HOT, he came back. We lasted 6 years, but he always came back during that time. If it's meant to be, the other people won't matter I'm interested in your experience - are you still together, i.e. did he turn out to be worth it in the long run? Did you feel like he was worth it at the time, and did that change somewhere along the way? If it eventually ended, was it more his decision or yours, or did it just sort of peter out? Do you see that time with a different (older? more experienced?) perspective now than you had when you were in the middle of it?
ecm Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 I'm interested in your experience - are you still together, i.e. did he turn out to be worth it in the long run? Did you feel like he was worth it at the time, and did that change somewhere along the way? If it eventually ended, was it more his decision or yours, or did it just sort of peter out? Do you see that time with a different (older? more experienced?) perspective now than you had when you were in the middle of it? we broke up when I was 23, but we were together for 6 years on and off. Started out strong, but honestly, once we started taking "breaks" it was a chase. He wanted me when I didn't want him, then it was the other way around. I think breaks can be helpful, especially when you've only been with each other. I think if he and I were meant to be the breaks wouldn't have mattered in the end. He always came back, though. It just wasn't meant to be. He is married to my friend now. I wouldn't have been happy with him forever, even though sometimes I wonder.... So, my advice would be to be smart and be careful EVEN IF YOU AGREE to take breaks to not hurt each other's feelings., ya know? Don't try to make each other jealous...if you need space take it, but be nice.
sheithappens Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 ecm, how long where your breaks? just wondering cos me and my ex have been on and off for 5 years and right now im on 2 months of nc
ecm Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 With that ex? Wow, that was years ago, but i'd say sometimes a week, sometimes a few days, sometimes a few weeks, etc. With my current ex (who I've been NC for 6 weeks.... sometimes a little over a month, one time 2 years.... but now we're NC again- so don't use me as a reference b/c I'm a dip-sh*t and have made every mistake imaginable as far as taking people back)
ADF Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 No, they don't. If your ex has said, flat out, that he wanted to break up with you so he could have sex with other women, he's through with you. He's not coming back to you, ever. Well, maybe as a temporary booty-call, but that's it. You must have such low self-esteem.
Bullydog1982 Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 (edited) Seychelles, Do yourself the biggest favor in the world – NO CONTACT (there are some great guides out there, Caliguys helped me to no end). You say in your original post that you’re trying to make the decision to let him go or not. I’ve got news for you, he’s already made that decision and he told you exactly what he plans on doing “I want to Frack other women and see you later = WHAT YOU HAVE (physically, mentally and emotionally) DOESN’T INTEREST ME ENOUGH TO STAY EXCLUSIVE ANYMORE – BUT IF IT DOESN’T WORK OUT THEN COOL, YOU’RE STILL AROUND.” Have some self esteem and some self worth. His feelings are not as strong as yours. Maybe they were, but they’re not now. Do you want to be with someone who no longer reciprocates those feelings? Do you want to be a “back burner” and wait around? The sooner you can go NC and drop him from your life the better off you will be. The sooner you can start focusing on you, the better off you will be. I know you say you love this man, but if he loved you he would not do this. He may say he loves you, but his actions dictate otherwise (if he’s already started along his chosen path). Don’t tolerate this behavior from him or anyone else. I can guarantee if you let him do it once, he’ll do it again because you let him do it do it the first time. GO NO CONTACT AND MOVE ON. I’m not trying to be mean, just playing devil’s advocate and give you the sharp kick in the butt you need right now. Go forward, be true to yourself, love yourself and be happy with life. -Bullydog1982 Edited October 27, 2009 by Bullydog1982
threebyfate Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 seychelles, one rule I've learned in life, in the past few years is if someone needs a break in a relationship, consider it either the end, or the beginning of the end. People don't break if they're happy and committed in/to a relationship. They work through their issues as a couple. It's time to move on.
Vampire Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 seychellesif someone needs a break in a relationship, consider it either the end, or the beginning of the end. People don't break if they're happy and committed in/to a relationship. They work through their issues as a couple. As much as it pains me to do so, I have to agree with this. My ex-fiance and I took a 2 week break a little over a year ago, and although we got back together, the invisible writing was on the wall and it became clear 2 days ago. 10 years gone.
ecm Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Everyone's relationship is different. I will say this: anyone who suggests NC is 100% right to suggest it. In previous breakups, I wasn't ever strong enough to follow through with the NC. (even previous breakups with my most recent"ex" who I was CERTAIN was "the one" ) So, NC is DEFINITELY the way to go... especially if you hope to get back together some time.
adamt Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Going back to the title of the thread..no you don't wait for each other. As a male, if i was into someone i would not take a break and go and see if the grass is greener and risk losing the other person to someone else. Do not wait for someone because you will regret putting yourlife on hold for someone when you look back. Especially at a young age. there will be other fish in the sea and probably someone who treats you a lot better. A break is just the cowards way to break up with someone. if you want to be with someone you do not want to be away from them out of choice
Bullydog1982 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 "A break is just the cowards way to break up with someone. if you want to be with someone you do not want to be away from them out of choice" Right on point Adamt.
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