leasha_ice Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 (edited) I been married for 15 months. Before I got married I started messing with another man. He is married as well. My husband and I run in the same circles as this guy and his wife. When we decided to mess around we both agreed that it was only for fun and that it will never become serious. Well it did and I got scared and called things off. I got married deciding that this whole ordeal was in the past. 8 months ago the OM moved into my area and has been pursuing me since. I finally agreed to the affair. The crazy thing is that its more than just sex and we both verbally expressed that we loved each other. We both agree that we we have martial obligations and don't want to hurt our spouses. My husband is a great guy but we have different veiws about life. Even before I decided to start up the affair again we were not working out. In the back of my mind I kind of feel like I married my husband because the OM was already married and we had no future so why wait on the sidelines to be see where are fling will go. But the OM and I click on so many levels. I think of the OM constantly and he understands how I feel without me saying a word unlike my husband with him I have to literally draw a map of my feelings. My question is does the Om really love me and if so what should I do about my marriage and my feelings for this married man. Edited October 26, 2009 by leasha_ice
2sunny Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 divorce your husband. he deserves to be married to someone that considers his feelings as a top priority - not the OMM. the OMM? don't see him... he's married. learn how to be happy on your own, without the validation of a man - or the feeling that you need a man to be happy.
NowhereToHide Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I been married for 15 months. Before I got married I started messing with another man. He is married as well. My husband and I run in the same circles as this guy and his wife. When we decided to mess around we both agreed that it was only for fun and that it will never become serious. Well it did and I got scared and called things off. I got married deciding that this whole ordeal was in the past. 8 months ago the OM moved into my area and has been pursuing me since. I finally agreed to the affair. The crazy thing is that its more than just sex and we both verbally expressed that we loved each other. We both agree that we we have martial obligations and don't want to hurt our spouses. My husband is a great guy but we have different veiws about life. Even before I decided to start up the affair again we were not working out. In the back of my mind I kind of feel like I married my husband because the OM was already married and we had no future so why wait on the sidelines to be see where are fling will go. But the OM and I click on so many levels. I think of the OM constantly and he understands how I feel without me saying a word unlike my husband with him I have to literally draw a map of my feelings. My question is does the Om really love me and if so what should I do about my marriage and my feelings for this married man. You have two questions you need to have answered... the first one being -- are you in your marriage for the right reason? You don't get to have it both ways... you don't "get" to stay in your marriage "just in case" your MM decides to stay in his. They are two separate issues. #1. Do you love your husband? Can you commit to him for the REST OF YOUR LIFE? #2. IF you decide to leave your husband because you don't see it working (outside of your feelings for your MM), then you can start to wonder if you have a future AFTER you are divorced. You need to make a decision, and I suggest you do it before kids enter into the picture. Take it from me... it becomes much more complicated after that. Set your H free if you can't commit to him 100%.
tami-chan Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Whoah ...Cheating too soon, too much(not that later and less will make it better ) but...girlfriend, we can't even help you find any kind of rationalization with this one ( not that we ever do but:p...) ....divorce your husband, you do not love the poor sap. And the OM...truly, do you want to be his second choice? It will get messy.
bentnotbroken Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Leave your H alone. Give him his freedom so he has a chance of being with someone mature enough to be married.
mark982 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 you truely can't hope for this affair to work out,what future can it hold,other than sex? all he's using you for is a cheap piece.
Fallen Angel Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I am normally of the opinion that people should try every tactic possible to save their marriages. But in this case I agree with the other responses. Divorce your husband, and move on. Regardless of the choice you make about your affair, you owe it to your husband to give him the chance of finding someone who REALLY LOVES him. It will be hugely unfair for you to hold onto him, and allow him to think he is loved when you only married him because you didn't want to be alone. What a wasted life you and he will both have to look back on if you maintain this charade for another 10 or 20 years!!! Do it now while you are both young and have so much life ahead.
whichwayisup Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Yup, I'm with everyone else..Get divorced. You aren't ready to be in a loving, committed marriage with your husband.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I been married for 15 months. Before I got married I started messing with another man. then why the hell did you get married? He is married as well. My husband and I run in the same circles as this guy and his wife. When we decided to mess around we both agreed that it was only for fun and that it will never become serious. Well it did and I got scared and called things off. I got married deciding that this whole ordeal was in the past. 8 months ago the OM moved into my area and has been pursuing me since. I finally agreed to the affair. The crazy thing is that its more than just sex and we both verbally expressed that we loved each other. We both agree that we we have martial obligations and don't want to hurt our spouses. no, you both don't want the fallout of what you have done. You don't want to hurt your spouses? then get a divorce. I'm assuming you haven't been married long and no kids? If so, then get an annullment. Your husband deserves better. He deserves to move on with his life before any more of his precious time on this earth is wasted, and needs to be able to find someone that will be true to him. But the OM and I click on so many levels. I think of the OM constantly and he understands how I feel without me saying a word unlike my husband with him I have to literally draw a map of my feelings. My question is does the Om really love me and if so what should I do about my marriage and my feelings for this married man. As far as whether the OM loves you.....who cares? What you should do about your marriage is tantamount here and you should get a divorce. Then worry about whether the OM loves you.....because in asking us whether the OM loves you, I think you are simply looking for the answer that you want to make sure the OM will be there if you divorce your husband, and if you want to keep your husband as the backburner in case you and the OM don't work out. That isn't your husband's problem. he deserves happiness, and that won't be achieved by being with someone that isn't true to him. you may be able to snow him into thinking everything is ok, but he will never have true happiness that way. So quit being selfish and do him a favor....get an annullment so he can move on with his life.
Author leasha_ice Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 I want to thank everyone for responding. As I look at what I posted I do look like a selfish bitch. It is not fair to my husband that I'm having an affair. When my husband gets home tonigt I'm talk to him about what happen with the OM. If leaves me than I can only blame myself. Hopefully I can get my **** together.
Bryanp Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I wish you luck. You are doing the right thing.
65tr6 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 When my husband gets home tonigt I'm talk to him about what happen with the OM. leasha, good luck....I dont agree that your first step should be to divorce your husband but instead to let him know what happened with OM. You are doing the right thing. I know it is not that easy. Remember to stay calm and don't shift the blame on to your husband while talking. It will be the most painful one hour of your life. Can you tell us how it went ? (it wont be pretty, i can guarantee you that).
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 You have got to be kidding me?? YOU chose the affair, YOU are unhappy with your husband! Now YOU are going to let him choose???? Its YOUR problem, has nothing to with your husband, YOU chose this for him yet you are to big of a coward to stand up for YOUR feelings and walk away??? That is manipulative as hell. Put your big girl panties on and make your own decision and STOP playing around with other peoples lives.
Fallen Angel Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 You have got to be kidding me?? YOU chose the affair, YOU are unhappy with your husband! Now YOU are going to let him choose???? Its YOUR problem, has nothing to with your husband, YOU chose this for him yet you are to big of a coward to stand up for YOUR feelings and walk away??? That is manipulative as hell. Put your big girl panties on and make your own decision and STOP playing around with other peoples lives. I agree from the tone of that post I have a feeling this will somehow all turn out to be hubby's fault, and so will it be the HUSBAND's fault when he leaves, all the mutual friends and family will be told "HE left ME".. Original poster!!! I beg of you, do NOT twist this to make yourself into the poor helpless victim of "insert whatever you will use to tell your husband he is lacking here" ... when you tell your husband. OWN your fault. NONE of this is your husbands fault, NONE OF IT!!! Admit that YOU made a mistake. Do not try to blame ANYONE else for your weakness.
seibert253 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Your cheating with this guy, prior to getting married, now your still cheating. Wow, this is so sad. Tell your husband what you've been doing and let him go. He deserves better.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 I want to thank everyone for responding. As I look at what I posted I do look like a selfish bitch. It is not fair to my husband that I'm having an affair. When my husband gets home tonigt I'm talk to him about what happen with the OM. If leaves me than I can only blame myself. Hopefully I can get my **** together. If he leaves... that might be a good thing for you!
Dexter Morgan Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 If he leaves... that might be a good thing for you! and might be a good thing for her if her husband leaves too.
Author leasha_ice Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 I never said that I was going to put the blame on my husband nor play the victim. After telling my husband he was vivid and I can't be mad for his reaction. He is staying with his bro for awhile until he can figure out what he wants to do.
bentnotbroken Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Good for him. At least you respected him enough to tell him and give him a choice in his own life.
Guitarjeff Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 At least you told him the truth. When you lie to someone, you rob them of the ability to make decisions in their own life based on reality. reality is just another word for TRUTH. Think about this, think about you going to work every day, dreaming of kids and a future family, yet someone is forcing you to live a lie and you don't even know it. It's a horrible thing to do to someone. The cheating is bad on it's own, but it's the fact that your husband was forced to live a lie while you were doing it and he couldn't make decisions for his life by having the truth (reality) at his disposal to judge his decisoons by. Don't ever do that to another human being. Every human being deserves to know the truth about the situation they are in so that they can move their life in the right direction. When you apologize to him, make sure and tell him that this is a huge reason why you are so sorry. It will make you feel far better about yourself. You should only have to deal with the mistakes you have actually done. You entered in to a marriage that should have never been. there's a good woman out there for your husband that he is supposed to grow old with, love, and cherrish. Now you just have the guilt of betraying him, but he'll get over that and move on, but at least you are not currently deceiving him and robbing him of living in reality (truth) That was the first step. Now you can start to heal yourself too. Let him move on and find the person that will appreciate him and love him and that deserves him, same for you.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Good for him. At least you respected him enough to tell him and give him a choice in his own life. I agree, I can at least respect LI for that.
65tr6 Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 At least you told him the truth. When you lie to someone, you rob them of the ability to make decisions in their own life based on reality. reality is just another word for TRUTH. Think about this, think about you going to work every day, dreaming of kids and a future family, yet someone is forcing you to live a lie and you don't even know it. It's a horrible thing to do to someone. The cheating is bad on it's own, but it's the fact that your husband was forced to live a lie while you were doing it and he couldn't make decisions for his life by having the truth (reality) at his disposal to judge his decisoons by. Don't ever do that to another human being. Every human being deserves to know the truth about the situation they are in so that they can move their life in the right direction. When you apologize to him, make sure and tell him that this is a huge reason why you are so sorry. guitarjeff, your post above is classic. One of the best I have read here at LS or any place. However, I dont know if I want to say if she entered into marriage that she should have never been. No one is perfect. Yes some of the mistakes are egregious but that does not mean, you cannot learn from it, or move on. I agree with you that the most important thing for OP is to tell the truth..not asking divorce or trying to work on the marriage but speaking the truth first. Looks like she did. There is no reason why the OP could not learn from this and change for the better.
Guitarjeff Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 True, but cheating 15 months in to the marriage? I would still say that's not a real love, which to me means a phony marriage that should have never happened. The two things just don't mesh, "I am in love and I got married", "I cheated on my love after 15 months". I just can't reconcile the two. guitarjeff, your post above is classic. One of the best I have read here at LS or any place. However, I dont know if I want to say if she entered into marriage that she should have never been. No one is perfect. Yes some of the mistakes are egregious but that does not mean, you cannot learn from it, or move on. I agree with you that the most important thing for OP is to tell the truth..not asking divorce or trying to work on the marriage but speaking the truth first. Looks like she did. There is no reason why the OP could not learn from this and change for the better.
seibert253 Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 At least you told him the truth. When you lie to someone, you rob them of the ability to make decisions in their own life based on reality. reality is just another word for TRUTH. Think about this, think about you going to work every day, dreaming of kids and a future family, yet someone is forcing you to live a lie and you don't even know it. It's a horrible thing to do to someone. The cheating is bad on it's own, but it's the fact that your husband was forced to live a lie while you were doing it and he couldn't make decisions for his life by having the truth (reality) at his disposal to judge his decisoons by. Don't ever do that to another human being. Every human being deserves to know the truth about the situation they are in so that they can move their life in the right direction. When you apologize to him, make sure and tell him that this is a huge reason why you are so sorry. It will make you feel far better about yourself. You should only have to deal with the mistakes you have actually done. You entered in to a marriage that should have never been. there's a good woman out there for your husband that he is supposed to grow old with, love, and cherrish. Now you just have the guilt of betraying him, but he'll get over that and move on, but at least you are not currently deceiving him and robbing him of living in reality (truth) That was the first step. Now you can start to heal yourself too. Let him move on and find the person that will appreciate him and love him and that deserves him, same for you. Someone should make this a sticky. One of the best responses I've read in a long time.
65tr6 Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 (edited) True, but cheating 15 months in to the marriage? . ok, now we started to disagree. lol. No, this is a good point that I dont necessarily agree with. betrayal/cheating is betrayal/cheating. Whether it happens 15 months into a marriage or 12 years later. What is worse ? 1) A couple gets married... Not much history, potentially no kids, no home, not much history, and one of the them cheats "early" in the marriage 2) A couple gets marrried, build and live a dream, buy a home together, have kids together, share and build history, plan and start to build their future, and then one of them cheats.... I believe the second scenario is more painful to get over because you question everything you have done together in life. And that can drive you nuts. I have trouble reconciling this scenario more than the first one. That is me. Dont get me wrong, the chances are very slim that one would stray in the early years of marriage. I agree. However, does that make the OP any more of a "bad person" than any other individual who betrayed ?. In either case, early or later, it is a terrible choice to make in a marriage. If anything the OP, hopefully, learnt a valuable lesson (possibly at the expense of her marriage and the devastation caused to her husband). Marriage is a committment...whether the vows are broken 15 months into or 12 years later, the result is the same. Edited October 30, 2009 by 65tr6
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