soheartbroken Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Hi all. Not sure if any of you remember me (have a new avatar). I think the last time I posted my own thread was awhile back. I quit LS for awhile because I was becoming pretty depressed. I've started lurking again. Recap: 5 year relationship, was left around 3 months ago. NC since August 19th. Had to defer my school year because I simply couldn't concentrate, and I knew I would take it REALLY hard. Moved home (26 years old). I'm just over 3 months now and things are pretty bad. In fact, I think things are getting worse or at least are at their worst. I wasn't depressed the first couple months, just had major anxiety and was traumatized (deer in the headlights, shock). Around 3 months I started hitting some serious depression. Maybe for 2-3 days it would be really bad. Serious feelings of hopelessness, that I would never get my life back on track. Not suicidal but if I had to keep going like this... It's absolute torture. Like I'm being repeatedly stabbed. Not enough to die from, but enough that if it continued this way I would bleed to death...hope this makes sense. Yes, I'm in therapy. I go quite often. I got a part-time job (from law school to minimum wage, yay!), and every penny goes to therapy. My mom is also supportive. I don't talk to my friends much about it anymore, just kind of tell them where I'm at. I can't listen to music or go out to the bar or anything. I can be around family but I find it really hard to be around friends because I can't really be myself. I play sports a couple times a week. My situation is obviously unique. I really blew it with a great person. I had anxiety issues which made me controlling. She was kind and gentle and nurturing and I'm really struggling with guilt and regret. Of course, I'm kind of mad at the way she ended things...but still, it was mostly my fault. It feels like I will pine for her forever. I'm a very sensitive person with a good heart, become very attached to people, but on the outside I can be a big douche bag. I really don't think anyone will compare to her. Anyway, I'm not looking for advice, just support and hopefully some of you have been where I'm at at 3 months...maybe there are other sensitive people out there (I also have an abandonment wound from my childhood that complicates things)? I can't imagine the day where I wake up and she's NOT the first thing on my mind. I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel right now. I'm resigned to the fact that this is going to take a long, long time - if ever - to recover from. Is there hope for me? Thanks for reading. I know it's long.
Thebob Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Your only 26 mate, you got your whole life ahead of you, 10 years from now you'll find a great person and be like, " wow was I actually like this?". And by that time you will have found another wonderful person. Like i said I broke it off with my girl when absolutely everything was perfect until she went LDR and it got to hard. I think she didn't want to lose me as a friend/mate due to her previous LDR that fell apart and she didn't want to have that again so she wanted to end it before it got really started with me. I hope she calls me when she comes back cause I do still care for her. She comes back for 4 months in the summer, but I understand if she doesn't call. And I will always have a place for her in my heart for the years to come because she was a great Gal. I'm on 1.5 months NC and I am getting so much better, but I still think about her all the time. I noticed what helps me a lot when I start thinking about her a lot is thinking of things that kinda wierded me out. Like the first time we were intimate and I lost my v-card or some of the faces she made, or the letter she wrote me when we went LDR that caused me to break all ties off with her. STAY strong brutha, it'll get easier and you'll find someone else. Need anymore support LS welcomes you. Thebob
Author soheartbroken Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 Thanks for the response, TheBob. Judging by the lack of responses...is my situation really that bad?
JL911 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 No your situation is really not that bad and somewhat similar to mine, I too am 26...But you do however still have your ex held very high in your mind and that needs to go away, and it will go away at your own pace....after 5 years she ended things because you have anxiety...This was known to her and was known to her for a very long time...So I call BS on that....If she blamed you for everything and herself for nothing or very little, even more BS. If you are 3 months in and nothing has faded at all and things are getting worse, I think I can safely say that you and her do talk from time to time? If so that needs to stop ASAP and you need to get the connection addiction out of your system... Communication is key to having things last. If it was a 5 year relationship it just means the 2 of you both got involved at a very young age of 21 where well, you are kinda suppose to be stupid and mess up...The fact that you were controlling simply means she may have put you into uncomfortable positions where you felt the need to speak your mind...Then again it might just be an issue you have and need to work on and seek some professional help with...Its ok to go get help, I did...I just needed a place to vent frustration and therapy did help with that, and allowed me to see that at the time. It allowed me to get out the feelings in private that I did not want to show to those close to me...It helped... I met my ex when she was 19, I was 22...go figure...It didnt last....I however have since met a wonderful girl who I like a lot, and things have been going rather well between the two of us. It is a much more mature relationship since we both have been very open with our wants and needs from day one. Read my guide to change man, you really need to see some things and come to your own realizations about the people who hurt you. I am not saying you are to blame or they are to blame, but the fact of the matter is, its over, and you need to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel and this person is not the root to your happiness. There is no one particular person out there for you, that is all hallmark and hollywood talk, there are many...There are plenty of great wonderful people out there capable of loving you for who you are. Just the process of finding them can be rather disappointing and heartbreaking. I really think you should seek out some form therapy and go and talk to a person who is not going to judge you. This person is going to be very biased and listen to you without interupting. You may even want to see about seeing a psych to see about diagnosing your anxiety... Im pulling for you man.....I know it hurts, I've been there, but ya gota tough it out and ride out the storm...
Author soheartbroken Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 Thanks so much JL911. I am in therapy, a couple times a week. And we are not in contact at all (for two months, and I've even moved cities). I think it just took this long for things to really hit me. The anxiety has gone down (certainly not all gone), but depression has gone up. The controlling thing is an issue that I need to work on for sure. Just seems pointless now that I can't have her back. Yes, I was young. She is 31 though. But thank you for taking the time to post. I'm glad your own situation has improved.
NopeNah Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 3 months isn't THAT long after 5yrs. Give it time and go back to school as soon as you can. It'll help take your mind off this and open up a new world of friends/people to meet..by that I mean new girls of course.
adamt Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 (edited) What happened to you is not unique at all. You need to realise that. You got dumped. most on here have been dumped. The finer details might be slightly different but we are all in the same boat that we got dumped because the dumper does not want us anymore. In my case my ex's mother was terminally ill and passed away a couple of weeks before she dumped me., I also thought my situation was unique but it wasnt. if the dumper is happy in the relationship then you get through the difficult times. I broke up back in may and was in bits for 3 months;. Now, i think i may have met someone who is more suited. It is early days but we shall see. I am 38 so being 26 there is plenty of time. If you want to move on then you truely have to want to move on. You have to want to let go and realise it is over for good. If you are in contact then cut all contact. if you have no self control then delete mobile number, remove from social networks. Then get yourself busy as possible so you have no time to think about the ex. your self confidence has taken a huge hit and you need to rebuiold yourself from scratch. forget about needing to be in a relationship and focus on yourself and being selfish. join a gym or do physical exercise. this will help you eat better and sleep and get into shape, eat really healthy, take up hobbies. get out more with friends and visit old friends. just learn to do things you enjoy. slowly you will begin to feel better. read books before going to bed, this will help you sleep better and stop you thinking about the ex last thing at night. DOn't underestimate how hard it is to focus on yourself and move on but if you want to move on then you have to have the determination to see it through. Only you can fix yourself. Dont put your life on hold for no one., i rebuilt myself and out of nowhere I got approached by lovely girl. I think people can sense when you are a happy and fun person to be with. You become interesting to talk to. I get more attention now. no one wants to be with a person feeling sorry for themselves. You need to realise there is no such thing as "they are the one". I've been in NC with my ex since we split up, she knew how i felt and so there was nothing more for me to say. I can't make her want to go out with me. Good luck and don't give up. you will move in if you really want to and work on yourself. At the moment you think that person is more important than yourself. Still the centre of your life. Once you realise you are the centre of your own life you can start to move on Edited October 26, 2009 by adamt
Author soheartbroken Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 Thanks AdamT. We are complete NC for two months (as much her decision as my own). Not even in the same city anymore. I wrote that my situation was unique because I didn't want others to think they will necessarily be where I'm at after 3 months. I obviously have intense feelings. I know everyone goes through what I'm going through to a certain degree, I just think that all the guilt and regret on my part, combined with my emotional makeup, makes things a little more intense for me. That and the shame of leaving school for awhile.
JaggedRoad Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Thanks AdamT. We are complete NC for two months (as much her decision as my own). Not even in the same city anymore. I wrote that my situation was unique because I didn't want others to think they will necessarily be where I'm at after 3 months. I obviously have intense feelings. I know everyone goes through what I'm going through to a certain degree, I just think that all the guilt and regret on my part, combined with my emotional makeup, makes things a little more intense for me. That and the shame of leaving school for awhile. I know how you feel. I left school after the fall '08 Semester and I won't be going back until late January when the Spring semester starts. I'm working at the moment, but there is a lot of shame for not being in school. I have 3 semesters left until I graduate, so there is something that I can look forward to. Hang on tight, you'll be ok.
RoMeIx Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 I really don't feel like your situation is unique at all and can definately relate to what you are going through. I just turned 27, and was with my ex for nearly six years. I also suffer from anxiety, but my ex knew about that from the beginning. We broke up about 2 months ago, and at first I blamed myself for everything. In reality, it was her who was at the root of the majority of the problems, but for some reason when the relationship ended, I made the mistake of putting her up on a pedestal that she doesn't deserve to be on. I always think of the good times, but almost never think of her bad side. The reality is that they are likely not coming back, and no matter how badly we beat ourselves up over it, there is nothing we can do about it. I am also a very sensitive person, and like you mentioned in you post, I wake up thinking of her every morning. We need to stop. We are only hurting ourselves. It is literally like torturing ourselves. It is very important to be as active as possible. I know it is hard to be around friends, becuase you really just want to be alone to be sad. But that is the point, be with friends so you are not alone ebing sad. Force yourself to get out. Even if you can distract yourself for a few minutes, then at least you had a few minutes relief. Being physically active has helped me a bit, even though I have to force myself to go to the gym. You say you are looking for support, well I am giving you all the support I can. I honestly feel for you and can relate to how you are feeling. We will get through this.
Author soheartbroken Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 Thanks Jagged. I still have two more years to go to finish my law degree. I don't think I will be able to go back in January. I think it will be a decision about September 2010 (God, I hope in one year I will be able to go back). I need all my mental faculties to succeed. I'm not on meds yet but I might need them in order to get back to school.
Author soheartbroken Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 Thanks RoMeIx. I appreciate your reply.
Phedre Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 It sounds like maybe you have just had so much going on with the guilt of pausing in school (note, pausing, not quitting), moving home, getting a crappy job just to pay for therapy... with so much going on that you had to straighten out your brain sure felt some pain, but there was enough other stuff needing to be worked out to keep it gaurded some. And now you are settled in to a bit of a routine and your brain can actually start slapping you in the face with the hurt it has been shoring up until you were ready to handle it, because you are ready to handle it. If she couldn't handle your axiety issues, then she really isn't the person you thought she was. And she certainly was not the person for you. There ARE people out there they not only don't mind our 'issues' but can be good balances to them, such as my dating a guy who balances our my abating but still there depression and anxiety with his damn unwavering optimism and consistency. May your ex was like that for you for a time, but the point is she decided to stop being that for you - which makes this HER fault, not yours. You didn't change your behavior, she did. How mean of her to basically string you along for five years acting and saying she could handle your anxiety and then she decides that, oopps, just kidding. Bad chick man. Not saying she sucks at being a person.. wait, yeah I guess I am. My point, maybe you are feeling so ****ty right now becuase it has been like a delayed onset... you are feelings things from day 1 that you didn't really feel then.. so it is all coming on you at once. But it is coming all at once becuase your brain know you can take it and survive it.. other wise it would keep you in shock or denial to protect you. So trust your brain even if you don't trust yourself... you WILL get through this. And there will be somone new on the other side who is just waiting for you to deal with the bull**** your ex left for you to deal with. Take heart, take a breath, take care. I will get a bit less tough, it will get easier, it will get easy, and it will get done.
JaggedRoad Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Thanks Jagged. I still have two more years to go to finish my law degree. I don't think I will be able to go back in January. I think it will be a decision about September 2010 (God, I hope in one year I will be able to go back). I need all my mental faculties to succeed. I'm not on meds yet but I might need them in order to get back to school. I forgot that you were in Law School. If that's the case, then there's no rush for you to finish the remaining two years. At least you're no longer a 1L It's good that you're making yourself a priority right now. Maybe you'll realize that law school isn't your thing, and that's perfectly fine too. There's a professor--at my school--who sat on rocks for 8 years before he realized that teaching was what he really wanted to do.
Author soheartbroken Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 Phedre: You are so bang on about why I'm taking it so hard after 3 months. There is so much to process, and my body/brain just wouldn't let me feel it all for quite some time. And now that I'm settled, I'm starting to really feel the loss. There is still a lot to process though. And you're absolutely right that the first couple months were all about the shame of deferring school, and having to move home with my family, and start working for bad pay, getting into therapy etc. Now it's the guilt and missing her. About my anxiety: it manifested itself as anger and impatience and trying to control things. Not very cool. Very childish. That's where the regret and guilt is coming from - more the lashing out than simply having anxiety issues (in fact, I didn't even know that my behaviour was coming from anxiety until I started therapy. Just thought I had anger issues). And she put up with me for a long time...but I'm a good person at heart. I know it. I just didn't show it all the time. Anyway, thanks for your words of encouragement Phedre. I hope things get easier with time, distance, therapy, and absolute NC. 3 months is not that long in the grand scheme of things I suppose. It's more that I can't see things being any different at 6 months or a year. And every day feels like an eternity (I'm sure some of you can relate to this).
Author soheartbroken Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 Jagged: Maybe law school isn't perfect for me, but it's all I have to look to in my future right now. I'm not in a good position to start "finding my dreams" right now. The degree would be good, even if I don't practice. I just need something concrete that I can get back into...I think. Man, I don't know. Basically I just want the pain to stop so that every decision doesn't revolve around the extremely low emotions that I experience. Also, my law school is back in the city where my ex is, which complicates things (should I try to transfer schools?, would that be running away?, etc.). Anyway, I'm trying not to think too much about the school thing right now. It's enough of a struggle just to make it through the day, nevermind the pressures of career-talk. My main concern is healing. Thanks for the support.
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