HeidiB125 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 to still love someone but just can't live with what they did? That seems to be my ongoing struggle. I do love my husband but my mind just cannot process and work through his affair with a coworker. I have times where I think I can do it but the affair is a constant struggle that I feel like I'm more keeping at bay rather than getting past. Can a person just be wired in such a way that they just can not get over something like this...no matter what positives there are now?
Spark1111 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Yes, of course. I believe it is harder and takes more courage to stay and try to reconcile, to recreate a new relationship, then to walk away from this pain and divorce. I do not mean to minimize divorce. That is painful too, but for different reasons. At least your ego and self-respect remain intact. You can always say you dumped the Bazztrd because he cheated on you. The hardest work, IMHO, is to reconcile loving some one who easily lied and betrayed your trust to fulfill their own selfish need to "be happy." Are you still going to IC? MC? It's two years since DDay, and I need to go back to MC.
Katerina Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Yes, of course. I believe it is harder and takes more courage to stay and try to reconcile, to recreate a new relationship, then to walk away from this pain and divorce. I do not mean to minimize divorce. That is painful too, but for different reasons. At least your ego and self-respect remain intact. You can always say you dumped the Bazztrd because he cheated on you. The hardest work, IMHO, is to reconcile loving some one who easily lied and betrayed your trust to fulfill their own selfish need to "be happy." Are you still going to IC? MC? It's two years since DDay, and I need to go back to MC. I agree with every word. Same situation here.
Malenfant Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 some people can forgive, others cant. you're not alone. many, many people cant get over it.
ADF Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 What both you and your husband need to understand is that forgiveness is a gift. You don't owe it to someone to forgive them. There is nothing inherently noble or mature or adult about forgiving someone who has treated you badly. In fact, it can be a bad idea. What does forgiving your husband tell him? It tells him he can get away with anything. He can have an affair and get away with it. How smart is that? If you are determined to save your marriage, you ought to seek counseling. But don't make this about your "duty" to forgive him. You are under no such obligation.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 What both you and your husband need to understand is that forgiveness is a gift. You don't owe it to someone to forgive them. There is nothing inherently noble or mature or adult about forgiving someone who has treated you badly. In fact, it can be a bad idea. What does forgiving your husband tell him? It tells him he can get away with anything. He can have an affair and get away with it. How smart is that? If you are determined to save your marriage, you ought to seek counseling. But don't make this about your "duty" to forgive him. You are under no such obligation. Very well said. Though I would add that I don't think forgiveness is given, I think it's earned. And that's based on both the strength of the R beforehand and the efforts of both parties post D-Day. Lots of hard work and certainly not unusual to get discouraged along the way. Keep posting ... Mr. Lucky
tami-chan Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Hi maddiesue! tough times, huh?....sorry..you know what. It IS possible to love someone but not want to live with them anymore. I love my husband,but he was(is?) a serial cheater and I have filed for divorced already. But I expect to continue to love him and care about him, but I do not have to tolerate his shenanigans anymore. ADF, how are you? So what's your story(why won't you tell us your story, are you afraid)? anyway, I like what you said about forgiveness. I totally agree. But I am not a Christian. Are you a Christian? What do you think would Jesus do?
bentnotbroken Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 What both you and your husband need to understand is that forgiveness is a gift. You don't owe it to someone to forgive them. There is nothing inherently noble or mature or adult about forgiving someone who has treated you badly. In fact, it can be a bad idea. What does forgiving your husband tell him? It tells him he can get away with anything. He can have an affair and get away with it. How smart is that? If you are determined to save your marriage, you ought to seek counseling. But don't make this about your "duty" to forgive him. You are under no such obligation. This is the only thing that I can agree with in this post. Forgiveness is indeed a gift....it is a gift you give yourself. It allows you to put your energy into the things you can change, and his affair isn't one of those things. The energy you put into that isn't going to yield the healing you seek. But by forgiving him, you give yourself permission to move on and live your life...with or without him. I chose without. I removed myself from the source of my pain. If you have a sore tooth, you get it repaired or remove it. But you don't have to keep revisiting the pain. If you do neither, you know how we poke our tongue in a sore tooth, to make sure it still hurts....that's what you are doing now. Stop it for your own sanity. I don't know your religious beliefs, but mine does require that I forgive, because I have been forgiven too many times to count for the offences that I have committed against others. Give it some thought, go within yourself to find the answer that is best for you. Forgiving him doesn't condone his behavior, ignore his behavior or tell him to do it again. That's a moral choice that he makes on his own(just like when he did it before) without your input, opinion or guidance. Don't claim his actions, they are his alone.
beyondsad Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 The ongoing struggle has become apart of my life. At a little over 1 yr since discovering his lying and cheating ways I still lay in bed at night and think can I do this??? My H is doing all he can in our R and we get along fine but it is just still there like a elephant in the room. I keep hoping that I will stop dwelling on his infidelity but it is there every day. I think about it , them together , conversations , sex everything and I just wish I could get amnesia. I don't think I can ever forgive him, I am still trying to come to terms with it. My kids even ask me why I am staying with him because they say I don't seem to love him anymore. It baffles me that he would even want to stay with me when I am so F--d up now. Before the A I was this happy carefree giving wife to him now I think not so much!! What a long strange trip its been!!
FreezorBurn Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 The ongoing struggle has become apart of my life. At a little over 1 yr since discovering his lying and cheating ways I still lay in bed at night and think can I do this??? My H is doing all he can in our R and we get along fine but it is just still there like a elephant in the room. I keep hoping that I will stop dwelling on his infidelity but it is there every day. I think about it , them together , conversations , sex everything.QUOTE] I have the same problem with my wife's Emotional Affair. I put her threw a lot and made her give me daily updates of where she is and who she is with. I am 90% sure it was only a Emotional Affair but the pain is just as bad as a PA. I am 6 months out and there is no end in sight for the pain. I heard it takes 2 years, but who knows over time the pain must be dulled??? I dought I will ever trust her like I used to. We are staying togather because of the children but our relationship has changed forever.
beyondsad Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 freezorburn- I am so sorry for your pain. The betrayal is like a mortal wound that won't heal. My H still swears his A was only EA but I know in my heart it was PA. Still whatever it was the pain and the shattering of two families has forever changed me. I am having such a hard time getting over it and he just doesn't seem to understand why. He apologizes and has devoted himself to me but it just isn't enough. I think in my heart I am here because of the kids but the kids have noticed my indifference to him. I wish at the one year mark I could tell you it gets better but it hasn't for me. I think because his A was someone in our town and everybody of course knows and our kids are the same age so I will never be able to erase her. My H keeps telling me that everything is going to be ok but so far I am far from ok. He teases me that I have become a crazy woman but I am still shocked WHY he wants to stay together when I am so miserable and so far I am not getting better. Nothing in our relationship is carefree, our conversations , sex nothing. It feels like almost that I am married to a stranger and I keep hoping my old H will appear and the old me. I miss me the most.
Snowflower Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 (edited) maddiesue and beyondsad, you both sound like you are in so much pain. Have you and your H gone to MC? Have you gone to IC? It might really help you to have someone to talk to about the immense pain you are feeling and to figure out a solution for the future (healing, acceptance, continuing your marriage, or divorce). Everyone heals at different speeds...and at only one year out you are probably in the right place in your healing process for YOU. You say that your husband is doing everything he can to help you heal but there is only so much he can do. If he is truly committed and trying to do everything he can to help you then some of the healing will have to come from within you..almost as a gift to yourself, if that makes sense. I'm NOT bashing you...I'm also at nearly a year past d-day and I know how it feels. But I realized a few months ago that I was SO NOT going to allow what my H did rule my emotions or my life indefinitely. He did what he did, that's all on him while I didn't do anything 'wrong,' at least in the sense of betraying someone who I pledged to be honest with. beyondsad, your husband did what he did...it is all on him. YOU didn't do it, he did...let him own what he did and you live your life. Be the best person you can possibly be-be a great mom to your kids, a supportive friend to your friends, and be a good person to your H...even though he probably doesn't deserve it. You will feel better about yourself if you can rise above the mess he made. But, if your H is sticking by you even though you are in misery most of the time, do you think that says something about his commitment to you? Edited October 27, 2009 by Snowflower
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