Author Vampire Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 She called. She said she'd been doing an outreach shift and couldn't answer her phone. The long and short of it, is that we are never getting back together and she's not in love with me. It feels so wrong to hear that after 10 years, almost alien. I know I have to get on with my life, but the thought of another holding her, kissing her, absolutely cripples me. I know what I have to do but it's having the strength to do it. I am dreading Christmas and New Year so badly, especially as we got engaged last new years eve and I'll be alone this year. I hope the impact of this conversation doesn't hit me in the morning. Delayed reaction etc
Author Vampire Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 3 days later and I haven't called or texted her back. Been tempted to, but nothing. Now as stupid as it sounds, part of me is still holding out that she'll change her mind before she moves those 300 miles away. I hope that something clicks and she says "I can't go". I know it's completely unrealistic and it's not going to happen, but it's natural. I finally get to see my son tomorrow for the first time since August 13th and the day I moved all my stuff out. While he's not my biological son, I've raised him as my own flesh and blood and she used to say "To all intents and purposes, he's yours". Were that the case, she wouldn't take him 300 miles away from me. He told me on the phone that he found out about the move by chance and that she wasn't going to tell him until 2 weeks before the move. That is wrong on so many levels. I am scared to death of the day they go. It'll be like going through the pain all over again. It feels like there is a big clock over me, ticking away a countdown and there isn't a thing in the world I can do to stop it.
shineonu Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 (edited) 3 days later and I haven't called or texted her back. Been tempted to, but nothing. Now as stupid as it sounds, part of me is still holding out that she'll change her mind before she moves those 300 miles away. I hope that something clicks and she says "I can't go". I know it's completely unrealistic and it's not going to happen, but it's natural. I finally get to see my son tomorrow for the first time since August 13th and the day I moved all my stuff out. While he's not my biological son, I've raised him as my own flesh and blood and she used to say "To all intents and purposes, he's yours". Were that the case, she wouldn't take him 300 miles away from me. He told me on the phone that he found out about the move by chance and that she wasn't going to tell him until 2 weeks before the move. That is wrong on so many levels. I am scared to death of the day they go. It'll be like going through the pain all over again. It feels like there is a big clock over me, ticking away a countdown and there isn't a thing in the world I can do to stop it. does she want you as a father to her son? Edited October 31, 2009 by shineonu
Author Vampire Posted October 31, 2009 Author Posted October 31, 2009 does she want you as a father to her son? Well I've been his father for 10 years but I guess father in name only. It's all that "To all intents and purposes" bull**** which upsets me. If that were the case, she wouldn't pull this on me and my boy by suprise. If he were my own flesh and blood, I'd at least have a leg to stand on. It's no longer about us, but her and her need to be around the very family that did sweet F.A for her and more or less disowned her.
BiGMERF Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 wow Vamp, we have very similar stories. not exact but similar none the less. I am in a bad state right now, the wound is still fresh. IN fact i just left this morning and this is my first night away from home. I can appreciate everything you are saying , right down to the suicidal thoughts. Since to me it just seems a lot easier to just end it and not deal with all the pain. Why live if If Im already dead inside
Author Vampire Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 I'm totally with you pal. I never did get to see my boy this weekend as his mother decided he had chores to do around the house, plus when I spoke to him on the phone eventually, he didn't seem that bothered about the idea. He's taken with the idea of moving as he's only hearing the benefits from his mother. If she did the right thing and allow me to be part of that conversation, I very much doubt he'd want to pick a side so easily. I want to keep my family together. My boy said the same thing when I last saw him in August. My ex however has her own agenda. I hope you have better luck with your boys. The way you feel right now will sting for quite some time. It's been 3 days short of 4 months since it happened for me. I'm still not sleeping or eating properly and when I wake up, it hits me all over again that I've lost the best thing in my life. I almost quit college, but I need something to focus on. I'm scared ****less of facing Christmas and New Year alone. New Year will hurt doubly as we got engaged last New Year. I really wish I could offer words of advice, but everyday is a struggle at the moment and I know it's only a matter of time before they move 300 miles away and the pain will hit all over again. Just try to hang in there and don't bottle your emotions up. Let it out. Talk hard!
BiGMERF Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 im so alone, its hard not to be bottled up. all i can get out is a sentence before someone says, yu will be alright, just hang in there . time will heal all.. such bull
Author Vampire Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 I guess in theory time will dull the pain. It's just getting to that point in the future that I can't visualise. I'm dreading the day I find out she's with someone else and I don't think it'll take her that long to be honest. Seeing her online status change to "In A Relationship" will sting. People say "Don't look then" - I wish it were that easy.
HeavenOrHell Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I know how it feels Vampire, my ex left me in July after 18 years, cos I neglected him the last couple of years. People say I'm coping but I don't think I am, I am in bits and wish I frequently wish I could end my pain. It is like a nightmare which seems to have no end, I guess we have to hold onto the hope that it will end and we will turn the corner. You're not alone in how you feel, I have read many posts on here from people who feel the same when their partner leaves them. Please don't give up.
harmfulsweetz Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 You have to stop doing this for her, do it for you. The degree is for you, not her. Make this about you and your son. I know everyone says the same thing, but it honestly will get better. It'll be hard, tough, times when you want to rip out your head, but in the end, you'll look back on these times, this thread and think 'how was I ever there?' But you have to allow the grieving process, cut her off for a bit, do some things for you. You can't make someone love you. All the best x
BiGMERF Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 I guess in theory time will dull the pain. It's just getting to that point in the future that I can't visualise. I'm dreading the day I find out she's with someone else and I don't think it'll take her that long to be honest. Seeing her online status change to "In A Relationship" will sting. People say "Don't look then" - I wish it were that easy. i hear ya on that one buddy. i am considering dropping her as a friend on facebook, just so i can avoid that.
Author Vampire Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 Thanks for that folks. I appreciate the comments. Regarding the degree and the course I'm doing - it's exactly the same one I helped her do, so unfortunately, I'll have a reminder for the next 4 years and if or when I qualify, I'll be working in the same field. That's whay I find it hard to follow it through. Today was my first day back after the week break and everyone was asking me what was wrong and why I looked so sad and how my eyes were glazed. I guess no matter how hard we try to cover it up and wear a mask, sometimes, it's not enough. There's one graduation that I am looking forward to and that's when we; those that are sharing these feelings at this moment in time, finally move on. We'll be the class of 2010 and I hope we'll look back at our collective threads and breathe a sigh of relief that we finally made it through our hell in one piece.
Author Vampire Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 Feels like I'm keeping a journal here, but 5 days NC and today it hurt a little more than the last few days. I haven't cried for a few days and I'm listening to new music that is automatically linked to this moment in time. This is what I've listened to non-stop today. This one song by Stabbing Westward. I spent ages in class just writing SW on the inside of a notebook. Coincidentally, they are also the initials of my ex and the initials of the degree I plan to take. So What, I guess.
babs81 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 (edited) First of all, dont be depressed or lonely. Remember always that some people don't even get a chance at life. Remember my daughter, she only got to live for 27 days so just think of all the trouble your mother prob had just to give you a life. Don't take your life cos of a relationship breaking down. There is always someone in a worse position to you. ALWAYS. I appreciate the fact you have shared your story with me. Thank you. I do understand what you mean that loneliness can eat away at you but at the same time the sad reality is the onus is on us to do something about it. Get out of the house - surround yourself with people, take up new hobbies. You need a distraction to make this less painful on you. Why don't we look at the positives of your predicament here...you got distinctions!!!!! you are great at studies. Don't drop out just cos you hit a rough patch...so what if you moved back in with your mum..been there myself...I know how that feels...BUT you will find your way again. Life is never easy - its about survival...so the best thing you can do is rebuild your life now. Its not like you were given a choice and don't be miserable or hard on yourself. You took on her family and were an honourable man and anyone would love you for that... take care..hope that helps.. Babs.. Edited November 30, 2009 by babs81
Author Vampire Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 Thanks for that Babs. Much appreciated. I feel an update of sorts is due. On the 29th of November, it was exactly 5 months since the initial incident. On the 28th of November it was exactly 1 month of NC. This week I am focusing on a series of exams, assignments and a talk I'll be giving at my old school. I've filled my days with as much as possible, yet she manages to creep through the racks and invade my thoughts at the worst of times. I don't cry as much anymore and when I do, it takes me by suprise. The other day I had to fight to stop it as I needed to focus on an assignment. I don't know what she's doing and I haven't had any contact from the son I raised; every time I suggest meeting, something comes up or his mother needs him to do something. I'm preparing myself for when they move and it's all over. I doubt I'll be prepared for when another guy takes my place, but it's only natural. I'm trying to, and I know this will sound corny, find out who I am after a decade of being her support and pillar. The one thought that comes back to me, is at least I didn't use anybody in the process. Christmas, however, with my 2/3 weeks off college, will be a bitch and I'm not looking forward to it one little bit. New Years eve is when we got engaged so I just want to get 2009 over and done with.
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